I forgave him for cheating, but he can't forgive himself. What should I do so he stops pushing me away?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend cheated on me 6 months ago, it was a random one-night stand and he was very drunk. I forgave him for it, as hard as it was, because I do see him as an amazing guy and I want him in my future. I started to trust him again and I have no doubt that he is ever going to betray me like this again.

The problem is that recently he's been bringing his cheating up every time we have an argument, he says that he ruined our relationship, that it's hopeless, and we should just both move on and have a fresh start with someone new.

What should I do to make him stop pushing me away? I know that he has a lot of other stress going on in his life that makes him feel like a loser, and he's just revisiting the cheating as a way to confirm his low self-esteem, but I don't want him to think that our relationship is doomed. We really are a strong couple, and whatever happened - I have moved on from it. Why can't he?

[madhatters4]

it's plain hard. that's really all there is to say. it's hard for someone to forgive the other person and it's hard for the other person to forgive themselves or truly believe that their partner is able to forgive them

I've been in two relationships where a gf cheated and in both cases it was literally in possible to save the relationship. either I was unable to truly forgive and forget OR they were unable to shed the guilt of hurting me.

I think you just have to be consistent in your position that you forgive him and remind him that you are moving on and need him to move on as well.

[ILoveLadies]

He may feel that this is the biggest mistake is his life. From the sounds of it, he is unintentionally sabotaging every chance of success on other areas because he didn't feel he deserves to succeed.. then when you don't reject him as a fragile, he feels even worse.

If your love is sincere, don't give up on him. He'll eventually get it through his head that you love him more than life itself.. But it may take a while to break the pattern of self sabotage, things like that can vbecome a habit for a person who feels this guilty.

[Asker]

Yeah, I think you're right. He has a history of self-sabotage and I can see that he is doing the same right now. He also got some bad news about a job yesterday, so just decided to throw everything away - including the job - well… and me. I really hope that giving him space is the best thing that I can do right now. I'll contact him again at the end of next week if he won't call me before that, and hope for the best. It just hurt when he said that he doesn't want to waste his time on something that is doomed if he can just have a fresh start with someone else. It's as if he wants me to pay for his mistake even more than I already have and just thinks that I am replaceable :( But I know that I'm not, and I know that somewhere inside him he knows it too - he just has to dig it up, soon.

[Anonymous]

Hey there, I am experiencing the same situation right now. And I want to know, what happened? Are you still with him? I feel you because I care and love him so much but he cannot accept his action and puts guilt on himself. He rejects me because it is the easiest way to not think about me anymore. Please share me your story. Thanks

[Anonymous]

You can't really do anything. But ask him if that's really what he wants. He needs time to accept what he has done and time to heal. Just sit back and let him do what he needs to do, because your relationship won't work with one person living in the past.

[Prettygurl12]

Leave him. He will have gotten what he feels he deserves, your subconscious will also be justified. It obviously upsets him. He can't stop thinking about it. And people who can't stop thinking about things wind up doing them.

[Vesuvius87]

Do you value yourself so little? What he's saying is right. It is hopeless and he ruined it all. Cheaters are losers.

[Asker]

It's not that simple, really. I love him dearly, he's my best friend. I know him well enough to know that he's never going to do it again and in a way I'm happy it happened now than years down the line. But that's because I thought we worked through it...

[Vesuvius87]

But he doesn't love you in the same way you do. I'm sure you wouldn't even dream of being in the arms of another guy because sex is so special to you, it's meant to be only with the man you love and are in a relationship with. He took away that special moment away from you and he doesn't feel the exact same way since he already screwed with a random woman. It means he has no self-control, which is a bad trait in either gender.

[Vesuvius87]

Sorry but if I were in a relationship, I wouldn't even want another girl making out him. I would want him to have the same sexual values as me, as sex being so special... not something you just give away, esp easily give it up to while being in a relationship. ewww

[amphet11]

He probably would never have forgiven you if you where the one that cheated and would have broken up with you immediately, this why he can't understand why you have forgiven him, or he believes you still haven't forgiven him. I know i would think you where going to cheat on me for revenge, and i would think the relationship could never be completely good again.

[Asker]

He has indeed verbalised that - that I just want to make sure he feels secure in the relationship and all is good and he's hopefully for the future, just to take it all away in an act of revenge. To me this is insane - nothing's further from my mind, I really do love him, I'm not a vengeful person. And it can be good again, he just doesn't give it a chance - we've had a bad month fighting 3 times about some stupid, ridiculous stuff, and instead of writing this off as a 'bad' month, and learn from everything we discussed, he just wants to call it quits. To me it is so bizarre, because only 4 weeks ago he wrote me a Christmas card saying that he hopes it is the last one we will ever spend apart (we spent it with our families separately)… and only 4 weeks later BOOM.

[amphet11]

If he cheated on you 6 months ago and he was fine 4 weeks ago, then there are probably other problems too.

[Asker]

Yeah, we had a fight at the beginning of this month because we were supposed to go to a party where his ex girlfriend would be and I didn't really feel like going. And that escalated completely, even though I was at the stage of going despite my reservations, I was all dressed up etc. And this fight has re-emerged twice more in the past weeks, because her picture came up on FB and I pulled a face - and he immediately went off on me that I don't trust him etc. And then yesterday he just gave me a speech about how the cheating ruined everything and this relationship will never be good again. To me it just looks like he feels bad about other things going on in his life and he's picking fights, and 4 weeks later he's taking back everything he promised just so recently.

[amphet11]

I don't really know what to say, maybe the relationship is unsalvageable to him, his problem though, but it will obviously be yours too. I would act the same i think, i am paranoid and my mind is messed up from drug abuse, he is probably over thinking things, but sometimes it can't be helped,

[GingerBiscuits]

I think he very much enjoyed dicking the other person up & is playing at pushing you away so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it.
Let him have what he wants, if he comes back say thanks but no thanks

[Virulent]

In a world where the optimal self and the real self do not agree there's no way to reconcile. He must find that he is "that man".

[Asker]

Is there any way where I can help him to find that? I was thinking about giving him some space for now, maybe a week, and then writing him a letter about how I trust him, how I think we are great together… how I don't want to lose him and how I want a future with him. I really want to help him heal the way I have healed, because this relationship is worth it.

[Virulent]

"Is there any way where I can help him to find that?"

No.

[Anonymous]

What a manipulative asshole.

[Asker]

Haha that thought has crossed my mind too, but please elaborate :)

[Opinion Owner]

Most likely he want out and this is his 'noble' way of doing it. You honestly don't deserve this, eventually he'll see the good he had and screwed up. It's not your job to make him see that.