Why would girls lead guys on?

[sonic241928]

I KNOW guys do this to girls, just as well...just to get that out there...

BUT, why would a girl show all the classic signs of interest: smiling, flirting, going on dates, getting physically close--and then, all of a sudden, DUMP the guy, leaving him to feel like an idiot? It really damages a guy's self-esteem.

Girls, have you ever done this/have friends that do this? If so, please tell me why. Is the person just a "tease", and how do you recognize one? (Some of them are really innocent-looking.) Guys can answer too from experience. Thanks : )

She's not interested, but doesn't know how to let him down easy

She gets high on the attention and affection, but has no intention of commitment

She gets high on breaking guys' hearts/leaving them confused, to feel like she has power over them

It's been done to her in the past/her way to get revenge

Other, please explain

Updates

+1 y

Hey people, feel free to write something after voting. I really want to hear your original thoughts if you have anything to add to the choices I wrote. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

The problem with telling someone as SOON as you thin you may not like them , is some people are quick to judge & slow to learn... I personally have held out longer then I wanted to to make sure I wanted to make sure I gave us a chance because I have a tendency to loose interest really quick. had I known in advance that ultimately, I would not be interested then I would tell them as soon as I had doubts. It is for this reason I do not ask someone straight out how they feel. Things can change & people change & anyways I look at people as an experience, not as a means to an end {I.e Relationship per se, or whatever else you expect to get from them.}

In a perfect world we would know exactly how someone felt about us, as soon as we needed to. But in reality THEY do not always know, & the answer can really only be discerned by getting to know someone.

I am definitely apposed to playing with peoples minds for the purpose of personal amusement. If you are both willing participants that is fine. if you are just playing with them, it can be very dangerous as everyone has a different past and different reactions. What seems insignificant to on could be earth shattering to another.. id friends who near took there live over such things. I reserve my game playing for basketball & soccer. :)

Note : I think that When people grow accustomed to playing games with other people they lessen there chance of ever being able to trust other people. They hurt themselves as much as others if not more.

[jextaimex]

Well, the times that this has happened to me with guys its been because the guys I've been involved with kept sending mixed signals. I like shy, nice guys, but at the same time when I'm giving all the signs and I get nothing in return, I get exhausted and just lose interest completely. Of course, a few weeks later then it turns out that they have more interest and I have to let them down. Even guys that are outgoing and aren't normally shy are like that with me, and I just stop trying. I'm a nice girl and I'm classy, so they don't want to come off as sleazy, but guys sometimes go overboard with trying to hard to not be sleazy that they just don't know that its okay to make a move.

[MrNameless]

I think more girls need to be direct in their signals, instead of non-verbal cues that might not be picked up right away. This way you'll cause much less confusion on the guy's side.

[CrazynKinky]

Sometimes it just takes awhile to find out if they're not into you.

[sonic241928]

That's cool, just wish they were more up-front and honest about it, instead of coldly cutting the guy off.

[CrazynKinky]

I know it sucks but as much as it doesn't seem like it but people don't like hurting people. Even if they do it and it seems harsher. But have you ever had to tell someone your not interested in them and see how much it hurts them?

[sonic241928]

I'd much rather bear the discomfort of telling a girl that I don't see things working out between us, than coldly leading her to believe otherwise and damaging her self-esteem. MUCH rather.

[Hughman]

Yup, I can sympathise massively. Hell, I'd say this sort of event is what changed me. I could talk to girls no problem, get them to open up, get the number, get the first date.

Then nothing. *Poof* - right into thin air they'd go!

The girl that destroyed my old self is one of the hottest and sluttiest girls I know. She sleeps with any guys she dates. And yet I got nothing off her! Feck all. (I found out later I was one of 3 guys she was dating - she chose some burly army cadet in the end)

Why do they do it? Naivety is one thing - girls just don't realise the power they hold over most guys. Some like the ego boost they get out of it, knowing that they have sexual power.

The last reason I've found is the fickle nature of female sexuality. For guys, once he's attracted to a girl, she has to then show some pretty heinous attributes to kill that attraction (bad breath, totally unshaven, riddled with STIs etc)

For a girl, she can 'rationalise' just about anything. If the guy suddenly does something that 'shows his true colours' that she finds unappealing, then she can believe she always knew about it and was just testing. Typically this will be from 'beta' behaviour (ie the guy is a wuss and an arse-kisser) though the occasional girl will not actually find arseholes attractive (I've found them to be in a minority, and most are good Christian girls which don't interest me anyway)

[Hughman]

NB From these experiences I found I was too wussy after I made the move. I also thought I had to 'respect' the girl's feelings and virtue. Now I don't! I'll tease her, I'll be sexual, I'll be forward in approaching her personal space (distancing and touching her). Sure, this means I've made some more dramatic mistakes, but then it also gets me results. Min-maxing is better than being in a constant limbo.

[MrNameless]

I agree on your comment.. Seems like that's what girls want nowadays.

[_Gerald_]

If you don't have sex with them after the first date, dump them. The probability of you never having sex with her is extremely high if you guys didn't have sex or make out after the first date.

[Hughman]

I stick to 3rd date rule personally, or 5 for a prude (that one has never worked out, but damn, there are some hot religious prudes out there)

Tbf, all the girls I've had bar one I've sealed the deal from a 'random' encounter on the dancefloor (I know them from before hand, but we haven't dated).

[TexPlayboy]

it might help you if you realize that men and women usually want different things from a relationship. I am not saying that it is always the case, but generally this will be true.

We know what men want.. Sex. Women enjoy sex, but that is not what they "want". Women want attention and they trade sex to get it. It is usually what men offer to get sex. And this also explains why men move on after having sex. Which reinforces the women's actions; being more guarded for the next relationship.

If you are not the guy who is just after sex, then you are suffering for the sins of your brothers.

Good Luck,

James

[sonic241928]

Thanks James, this rings true. Of course I'd want sex, but surely most guys eventually want more than "just" sex...I wish it were easier to find a girl I could have a deeper emotional rapport with, a girl who really likes *me* and not just the attention I give her.

[TexPlayboy]

It will help if you understand that she NEEDS that attention, just as you need the boost to your ego. There is nothing wrong with meeting each other's needs, that is what a relationship is all about. Understanding that we think differently is the first step to a successful relationship. She will want you due to how you make her feel, as you will want her for how she makes you feel. Your feelings are more external, and hers are more internal.. or some variation of both. Good Luck. James

[bibliovore]

I've never done anything like that. I think it's incredibly cruel.

The only reasons I could think of would be: the girl wants to get herself into the dating world and get other guys to notice her, or maybe just to see if she can get a guy. Also maybe to show off to her friends.

I'm not really sure but those make sence to me.

[sonic241928]

I agree, just wish many girls were more mature and benevolent.

[Lee85]

I voted D, and since I'm the only person so far here's the run-down:

I have this friend and she's nice, intelligent, BEAUTIFUL, and a real great catch but has been used by past boyfriends. Well when we went to college (obviously a lot of clubbing, etc) she figured it was "her turn." Since all men saw her was was a nice piece of whatever you wanna call it, an arm trophy, or just a phase... she decided that all she had to see men as was a meal ticket, constant source of attention, and free drinks. So she plays the game until she finds a guy that can giver her those things better. It SOUNDS really harsh, and it is. But sometimes girls (especially those that dated too far up the age scale - older guys) learn to treat men how they have been treated by men in the past.

[sonic241928]

Thanks for your answer. It is sad to hear about your friend though, because she obviously has a skewed and limited perception of the world. It's somewhat forgivable--to an EXTENT--if it's the result of personal trauma, but hopefully she'll learn that all men aren't douchebags and two wrongs don't make a right.

[ifyouloveme__]

well, I'm a girl and I sometimes flirt with guys and lead them on, I know its mean, but we just like to have fun. & were you guys dating? maybe she just wanted to have some fun.

Well, if a girl really liked you then she wouldn't do that you.

Heres what to look out for:

She flirts with you for a whole day, then the next she doesn't even bother to say hi.

or she probably thinks you're just a rebound guy. A guy she can flirt with whenever, if you

don't mind then just have fun and flirt back but don't think of it too much.There's always gonna be

that one girl to flirt with who doesn't really mean anything to you.

Lol, but just move on & you deserve better :)

could you go and answer my questions? thanks! I hope this helped.

[worldpeace]

I've done this before, perhaps I am doing this right now. Its a difficult situation, where for me more than one nice guy comes a long at a time. Its not that I am not interested, I'm just trying to see who is right for me. If its a sudden ending, its because their is someone else I am more interested in. Sometimes you also realize that the guy you have been seeing is just not for you but you can tell that he has stronger feelings for you. Its hard to get up the courage to let him down or try to figure out a way to let him down easy.

[letsplayalovegame]

Depends on the girl- some like to mess with guys minds, and some have commitment issues/don't know what they want or are just like that.

It may even be the same reason guys do it- just for fun.

I've done it, but only with good intentions, I thought I could like the guy by giving him a chance, but I didn't. He ended up being clingy and possesive, we weren't even offical. We went on 1 date. I moved on very fast, he didn't. I have my heart set on someone at the moment, and he doesn't like it. He used to be friends with this person top, but not anymore.

[JPE22]

How can you say ''in good intentions''? Why go out with someone in the first place if you don't like them? I know I wouldn't date someone I don't like, it's either I like them or not. You shouldn't go on a date just ''To give him a chance''. And maybe the reason he wasn't able to move on as fast as you is because he isn't dating one of your friends. Of course I don't know the whole story, but it just doesn't seem right to date someone if you were never feeling them in the first place.

[letsplayalovegame]

I thought I could like him because he obviously liked me a lot and seemed like a great guy, I also didn't want to say no because I have a tendancy to shoot down guys I never gave thought to. I wanted to try something different, go out with somebody I normally wouldn't considering we had nothing in common, but I wanted to have an open-mind because I did believe he could grow on me, but I was wrong. But I understand what your comming from, believe me, I was lead on before too.

[greeneyedgal]

Yea, I knew some girls that did this. They were being a tease and living in the moment. They loved the attention and that was all. They had no interest in anything serious because they were playing the field. I didn't agree to it and thought it was in bad taste. Personally, I didn't and wouldn't do it to a guy because I have experienced it. I completely concur, it is very detrimental to your self esteem and it hurts.

[Anonymous]

maybe she didn't mean for that to happen..maybe she was scared to be with you/ like you a lot..i dated a guy for about two months and I started to develop strong feelings for him but after my last relationship I couldn't let myself feel the same for this guy as I did for my ex..so I let him go..i still like him but I don't believe its going to work out..

I flirt with guys I like and don't like..but I don't mean to lead or hurt anyone..but when I flirt with guys I llike I tend to get nervous..but if a guy that I flirt with and I didn't like him told me he liked me..i'd tell him that I only like him as a friend and I hope we can still be friends

[Haily07]

I went out with someone who I wasn't interested in. I don't really remember flirting with him or trying to get his attention (if I did, it was unintentional. I never had any interest in him). But when he did ask me out, I said yes. We went on a couple dates and made out a few times. I did it mainly because I had zero experience with boys, and I was just curious to see what it would be like to be courted. I also felt like it would be rude to say no. I thought it would be better to go out with him a few times to see if I changed my mind about liking him instead of saying no right from the start. I didn't change my mind; by the end of it all I liked him significantly less. I didn't feel bad about dumping him.

[sonic241928]

Did you at least tell him kindly that you didn't think it would work out?

[Reeses-pieces777]

I don't like leading guys on because that's mean and I would tell a guy if I was interested or not interested. It's pretty clear as day to me how people should or should not be treated.

some girls like the attention they get when they lead a guy on. some girls just are indecisive. and then there are girls like me who pretty say t point blank and make it cyrstal clear whether it's a go or not.

[play-wright-boy]

It's likely a cyclical thing. She started off in her younger days as sweet and sincere, then got jerked around by some guys. Now, seeing that there's no use being so nice in a such a world, she decides to behave as selfishly as everyone else out there. Why be nice to others if they're not going to be the same to you?

[rdabby]

why?

same reason guys do it! Ego Boost, to play the game on them, to feel better about herself, to be the one in control, to hurt people, to break hearts and to simply be a bitch!

believe it or not, some girls do that because they don't wanna get hurt! so they play the guy inorder not to be played or to give him a chance to hurt her so she hurts him first, its kinda like a revenge thingy.

maybe she lost intrest... as well you never know unless you ask her what's going on!

[sonic241928]

Does a sincere guy really deserve that? What if he's a good guy who just wants her to be his girlfriend so they can have fun TOGETHER, not have fun destroying each other? What's the point of tearing down another person, really? Can a person like that ever expect good things for themselves in life?

[rdabby]

I don't do this but people do, mostly guys in general do to feel better about themselves. because they re afraid of commitment and getting hurt I guess.. too sick and pathetic! I know

nobody desreves that indeed, some do expect good things and they get it because they don't have feelings. a person who f***s up someone heart is capable of doing anything!!

[kussmaulk]

Nice answer I think that is pretty true

[rdabby]

Thanks

[alessia93]

A girl may do that because she is naturally flirty.

Girl's also like the attention and flattery. We like to feel secure and liked and need to be touched sometimes...it kind of depends on the girl who may get bored and leave or lose interest after awhile.

[sonic241928]

OK, I understand. Guys can be like this too. But it's painful that SO many girls get bored SO easily, and don't even have the decency to tell the guy their feelings straight up.

[LaTuaCantante09]

I've unfortunately been guilty of showing interest in a guy and then dumping him. He was (and still is) a good friend of mine, so I thought I'd give him a chance, when he told me he wanted to be more than friends. We kissed a couple times and were really flirtatious, but I just didn't feel that spark I was hoping for. I didn't mean to lead him on or tease him; I was just confused about my feelings (or lack thereof) for him.

[sonic241928]

OK, that sounds reasonable, but you could have just straight-up told him that you were confused about your feelings. Guys appreciate that kind of honesty.

[LaTuaCantante09]

I did explain it to him... Unfortunately, it was in the chicken-sh*t form of a MySpace message. Yeah, I know. I was inexperienced and terrified of saying it to his face.

[bella0404]

Women are needy creatures. We need attention. We feel good about ourselves knowing we're wanted. Sometimes, we're so caught up on what we want/need we don't take that guys feelings into consideration. Shallow, I know. Girls run on emotions. We're emotional thinkers. Anything positive you provide to us emotionally, you've just become our next victim. Not all girls are like this, but a vast majority are.

[sonic241928]

A majority of girls do get boyfriends, so what kind of guy is able to pass the "shallow" test and make a girl feel like she better keep him around?

[bella0404]

His eyes for her. A lot of girls are very self concious. If a guy makes her realizes/proves that he only has eyes for her, she will def keep him around. Girls need security, thus searching for a guy who's going to make us feel confident, wanted, needed and attractive. As I stated before, girls run on emotions. We dwell, we're needy, we over analyze and disecet the smallest things. If you can pass the hardships and get a girl to trust you, you're golden.

[sonic241928]

I'm still a bit lost here...what if I'm a reasonably trustworthy guy? I wouldn't flirt with other girls in front of her, etc. Why would she flake out on me just when I think I'm getting somewhere with her, especially when I'm making her feel wanted, needed, and attractive? I can't read her mind to know what hoops I need to jump through. It's still not making sense to me.

[bella0404]

Well, let me try and help analyze your situation. Give me a little background info here...

How long have you known her? Where did you meet her? Was there any other guy in the picture that you know about (an ex she may have mentioned), age gap, is she laid back or a go getter? How many dates did you go on? To what extend did the physical interaction get to? etc.

[sonic241928]

Thanks for offering to help...well I don't want to get into exact personal details, but I'll just say I observe this behavior on the part of many girls, regardless of her past relationships. The guy isn't necessarily wimpy or needy, putting her on a pedestal, etc. He's just decent and he DOES treat her right, he thinks things are going well, and STILL she erases him from her life. I get that girls need special attention, but that doesn't seem sufficient to resolve the flakiness of most girls.

[toulouse]

What would it mean to provide something positively emotionally?

How does that differ from what would be positive for a guy?

[Standingpretty]

To feel attractive, that's basically the only other reason besides being nice or losing attraction that was once there. I only did it once, to make my ex jealous. I would say avoid girls who you know are just out of a relationship, they are not stable and they are TROUBLE. Hope this helps!

[martyfellow]

You don't know that a lot of girls just want guys to pay for the meals and the transportation and could not care less about them otherwise? This takes you by surprise? These girls are considered hip and smart especially by other girls in our society. Even some guys buy into this.

[Nijababe99]

well most girls do this to get back to a boy who ledt hem on or a boy who we thought liked us but was just taking it as a joke think about ti she proabbly does like yu and is testing yu 2 see if ur going to go fater her or she probably does not feel the same way and does not want to hurt yu or if she was mad when she heard it someone probably told her something about you-- think about it do you spend time with her if not she probably wants a full boyfrined who is there for her

[pineappleshortcare]

Going on dates is a way to get to know a guy. Sometimes we find something out that doesn't fit with what we're looking for. It happens with guys too. I've also went out with guys that I was fairly certain I wasn't into because we're taught to give guys a chance to grow on us ... after a handful of dates, you know if he will or won't.

[dontknowanymore]

I like attention. There, I've said it. I like it when A LOT of guys pursue me. But I can only fall in love with one guy at a time.

Even if 10 guys ask me out on dates, and I actually went out with every single one of them. There's only one guy I REALLY wanted to hear back from. There's only 1 guy I want to be with.

So. You're not that one guy. No big deal. Often time I'm not that 1 girl either. Lol!

[xheartblondex]

It's a difficult question you are asking sweetie. Girls are so difficult. I don't know how to tell people appart like that. I did that on accident in like the 3rd grade lol. I guess my answer is be honest with her and ask her if she likes you and if she doesn't well there are other mermaids under the sea. Be careful