Why does my boyfriend always play the victim?

[Anonymous]

Everytime things go well, my boyfriend does something stupid to screw it up. He never apologizes for his behavior, and always turns things around on me. He says I'm "verbally abusive" when I express my hurt and disappointment. He always makes me feel like I've made mistakes, when it's he who has been rude and inconsiderate towards my feelings and my needs. He's 46. He even starts the day so sweet, caring and attentive. Then when I need to talk, he'll lead me into thinking he will be there for me, then will run around with his best buddy, drink, and avoid it all together. Then when I text and or call and express my anger, he turns around and gets mad at me. How do you explain this behavior? A part of me says walk away, but the other part does care about him and wants to stay. I just can't understand why he gets like this. I need to add that he does drink, to a point of being stupid, especially when he's with that buddy. He has recently told me he wants to make this work and does care about me. So he leads me on, and it's not the first time. Why does he even want to be in relationship if he can't handle it? Do I try to talk to him, or throw in the towel?

[longjohndan]

Honestly, I can't tell from this if it's you or him. Your tone here sounds kind of needy so I'm picturing a guy dealing with a nagging woman. But really, I don't know that's true. Seems to me like you guys should try to work it out.

[Asker]

He told me he was going to have a beer with his buddy, that he wasn't going to stay long, then go home and call me so we can talk. He knew it was important that he be there for me. The pretty much blew me off. Not needy at all. It's all about being disrespected.

[longjohndan]

It could be a message, that he thinks you are being unreasonable about needing to have the talk in the first place. It takes a lot more than having one missed commitment to break up a relationship so it's the entire context that's important. The question you need to rethink is if he really has reason to think you are needy and nagging. Like I said, I don't know that you are, your tone suggests to me that you overly focused on your feelings that may be driven by insecurity to begin with. If that's not the case, then have another talk with him and if he doesn't understand what you are after then consider breaking up.

[Asker]

Thank you :)

[Asker]

... for answering politely, unlike some on here.

[meatballs21]

Have you considered the possibility that you're driving him to drinking? I'd love to hear his side of this.

[Whymen]

You should both confess to each other everything u done since u got together ask him if he cheated on you and u should tell him if you cheated on him trust me it works when ur open with each other

[Anonymous]

maybe try and see if he will go on a date with just the 2 of you? what exactly are you hurt about? what have you said that's "verbally abusive "?

[Asker]

Him always saying one thing then doing another. Giving me false hopes. Letting me down. I tell him how disrespectful that is to do that to me, and he makes it into me treating HIM badly.

[Opinion Owner]

it sounds like he can't own up to his actions and behavior, I'd try to make a just you and him day and go from there. . if he puts you on back burner several times I wouldn't waste my time. ... it's ok to hang with friends etc but you need to also balance a relationship too.

[Asker]

Thank you. You're only one who gets my point here.

[Opinion Owner]

your welcome maybe I just have a different outlook. I don't know but good luck. ..

[Asker]

You're not judgmental, just looking at the big picture. I appreciate it :)

[Opinion Owner]

your welcome and thank you for mhg