Are nice guys basically leftovers?

[Anonymous]

What I mean by this is do nice guys have to wait for a girl to want to go out for them after the girl has dated a few jerks and basically ended up disappointed or heartbroken. I know nice guys have few choices, but I don't like being second choice. I ask this because my best friend whose a lot like me got a girlfriend, and she says that until now she would of never dated a guy like him. To me it sounds like she's saying he wasn't good enough for her until she had enough jerks.

[justhat1chick]

they are not leftovers just left unnoticed =/

for me I don't think I am good enough for a nice guy. =[

In my opinion I think that "nice guys" are

1. far less proactive in getting girls. like fishing you have to put bait on your hook.

2. take a friendly approach to girls they are interested in rather than a more (idk a word) wow?

approach, that will get your foot in the door and have her notice u

3. some become very attached and show it they make EVERYTHING about the girl and forget how to think for themselves. =[

4. they stand back and watch what is happening rather than get involved

some when they do get involved they take a friend approach

5. this is kinda shallow but you can only see so much and some guys are just good at blending in thus not really noticed just over looked

6. high school is stupid don't think of high school when you think of relationships

[sonic241928]

Great points, summed up pretty nicely.

[Asker]

What's wrong with just thinking about the girl, I mean in my perspective if I just thought about myself while dating or pursuing someone I'd end up being one of those assholes who are self centered and treat women like dirt. and I'm sure women would rather be treated nicely.

[justhat1chick]

It becomes overwhelming

she may feel you are addicted to her

nice for a while then it becomes repeatitive and less meaningful

girls like when guys take control they like to be led.

guys like that seem self concious

makes guys look desperate

its not black or white. there is a middle ground where it is about you and the girl you are pursuing.

if you always want to be thinking of the girl first before anything then you will get girls who will walk all over you and use u.

be passive-aggressive

[sonic241928]

You can be considerate towards the girl you're dating and STILL be a confident, fun, attractive guy. You can like her and think she's really cool without putting her on a pedestal or giving up your power.

[Asker]

I understand what your saying, but it just seems kind of bad that girls like to be led around. It sounds like they want to be dominated and controlled and stuff like that. That just doesn't sound right. Does that mean that a girl would rather be with an abusive jerk who controls her than a nice guy who adores her and does anything for her. That sounds screwed up

[justhat1chick]

Well that is what happens...

middle ground

[freakyzeaky]

I suppose it becomes difficult for introverts and shy good guys because for them there often needs to be some interest given from the woman as well. These kind of guys aren't the best chasers, but once the ice is broken, and they warm up to you, they can be just as secure, safe, strong, and leading as the more outgoing guys. It is a challenge because most women expect the man to prove himself to her, to approach, lead, dominate, pay for dates, and so forth, right from the beginning. It is refeshing to find more liberated women who are willing to sometimes meet somewhere in the middle, be a little feisty, assertive, flirty, and so interest in the guy too.

No doubt it makes guys like me feel second rate, like "leftovers" because we were never shown interest, but then again, I am currently working to be more attractive and confident, and hopefully I can meet a sweet, quirky, and kinky woman who desires and appreciates me for me.

[Kate45]

I think this whole nice guy mentality thing is bullsh*t! Girls aren't mind readers, if a guy doesn't say he likes her, how would she know. Girls don't go out with guys because they think they are jerks. They believe guys are nice, they only reveal themselves as jerks when it doesn't work out. The "nice guys" are the ones that it works with.

[pmcollectorboy]

If girls aren't mind readers, why do you require us guys to be?

[freakyzeaky]

@pmcollectorboy Why not show some interest in the guy? It doesn't mean you have to ask him out on a date. It could just mean be a bit friendly and create a warm environment for it to happen organically. I know as a shy guy, who is kind hearted, but not the most outgoing and charismatic, if a woman were to give me some signs that she was attracted to me, then I would have no problem asking her out on a date. Maybe a bit of rapport, light flirting, longer eye contact, smiles, etc. are all that is needed. Other times that guy might feel the same, so if you do this, and he doesn't escalate with you, then you might have to either move on or ask him yourself.

Most nice guys aren't so much nice, as they are shy and due to this they are polite by default. They want to put their best most agreeable face forward so that they are likable, but likable doesn't make you seem attractive or attracted.

Personally I am not interested in a much older woman or a single mother, so I have ignored some.

[freakyzeaky]

NOT @pccollectorboy...@Kate45

[freakyzeaky]

*might NOT feel the same

[Vaticka]

um short answer no, most of the guys I have had approach me and I dated turned out to be assholes so its just simple statistics the nice guys don't put themselves out there as much the current guy I am dating is nice

[sonic241928]

No, nice guys don't have to wait. They simply have to push themselves to get out there with friends or in new social situations, get experience and practice asking girls out, REFUSE to get hung up on just ONE girl, and practice being fun, confident and uninhibited.

[sonic241928]

I'll put another spin on it. Girls have standards, so why shouldn't guys have standards as well? A guy, no matter how nice she is, should refuse to waste his time chasing a girl if she isn't returning his interest, so that he can meet OTHER girls who can prove they DESERVE him much more. A nice guy who doesn't have time to waste on girls who don't want him, is a nice guy who'll find a girlfriend much faster.

[Asker]

But maybe it's because he knows that one girl is perfect, or the girl just looks at the guy and thinks he's a loser without even gettting to know him. I don't know if that's how it goes, I was just playing devil's advocate

[justhat1chick]

No girl is perfect and if you believe that then you will be severely disappointed females are human we makes mistakes and pms and have issues to

[sonic241928]

Lol good point, girls come with both mistakes and pms. NO girl is perfect...I'd say you don't even know if a girl is your soulmate for at least, say 10 dates. The point is, it takes a long time to get to know someone, so thinking they're perfect at first sight is terribly premature. Also, if a girl thinks the guy is a loser and WON'T give him a chance...well, why should he waste his time with her?

[freakyzeaky]

That is why I believe most "nice guys" are really just shy guys that have grown comfortable with this woman and have a scarcity mentality that leads to oneitis and unrequited love. This isn't particularly a crush because crushing, to me at least, is when a person loves the fantasy of a person they have built up in their head. A person like this shy guy with unrequited love might be friends with the girl, so he knows who she is and knows why he desires her, but is too shy to act on it. Maybe he is afraid she will reject him and then he will no chance, but in reality, he never had a chance at all because she simply isn't attractive to her.

The truth is, most shy guys could become attractive to some of their female friends if he made some changes, but honestly, if you make some changes you should do them for yourself (quit smoking, get fit, better career, leave the nest, get a car, grow confidence, more social/flirt, etc.)

[freakyzeaky]

*he isn't attractive to her

[Anonymous]

yeah pretty much, most nice guys are not good enough until the woman's looks start going or they have a baby to support, or want a baby. This is the perfect time for you to play these girls tho, make them think you will marry them but just f*** them and dump them

[tex151]

Why would you want a chick like that, and why would you think those are the only chicks you can get?

[Opinion Owner]

Just to f*** them

[Asker]

Because when girls are young, a lot of them (and especially immature ones) like confident guys, and usually the most confident guys are self inflated a-holes who get girls all the time. Making other guys feel like sh*t, but once the girls had enough of jerks, she goes for the safe alternative. Trust me, I know a girl who basically used to go through jerky guys really fast, now she's engaged to a guy who is nice, but she like's the fact he's "safe and reliable" even if he isn't what she wanted

[Opinion Owner]

I hope that guy break's it off and marries a nice girl, bitches never change their colour, any chance she get she will be screwing around his back with a jerk, like I said, f*** em and dump them, that's the only thing they are good for

[freakyzeaky]

"Safe and reliable even though she didn't want him" is probably going to lead to resentment on her part down the road. Women who get used to easy and fast love with charming and exciting guys get bored so quickly with marriage. Statistics show that women tend to get bored of sex with one partner after about a year. Think about that! She is bored of you after a year. Now she is with you because she cares about you, but is secretly fantasizing about screwing around again because those were her glory days when everything was so novel and fun. Forget the fact that they might be married with kids, have responsibilities, love each other... all that consumes her now is her resentment and unhappiness.

Women need to understand, this is a scary prospect for a man. He doesn't want his heart smashed by a disloyal woman or having half of his hard earned life taken away. Women want to be safe and secure, but what about men?

Why can't women hold some responsibility for keeping things hot?

[Anonymous]

yes they are, in the sense of "nice guy" being their best friend and all that. You gotta be a good guy and all that, but you have to be interesting and sexual or you'll find yourself in the friend zone very quickly