Is it a bad thing if a guy asks you to pay for your own meal for a date?

Question

Am I overthinking? My mom is very old school and she always told me that if a guy asks me out, he should pay. However, I’m 50/50 on this. Anyway, this guy asked me if I’d be ok paying for my meal. Is that a bad thing?  - met this guy on an online dating site, and he messaged first  - after messaging for about 2 days, he asked for my number  -we’ve been texting every day for a week  - he’s starting to call me sunshine. (Ex: “good morning sunshine :)” )  - says he’s more on the shy side  - always responds when I text him  - doesn’t really initiate conversations  - said he was interested in me and wants to get to know me better  - asked me on a date/meet up  - we’re both looking for a relationship

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

If your okay with it, you decide with that. I'm old school too. If he asks, he pays. Since you want out on a date with him. YOU be the judge. I would suggest disgusting about where you going to go, who's going to pay, and how much does it initially cost if you're going to a place that requires money. These days a lot of people are extremely selfish. In my opinion if a person has to make you pay equaling either they don't have enough money to pay for both of your meals, or he's trying to see if you're a gold digger. And if he has to do that then he's doing those tests that a lot of guys want to blame women for, and you at that point should just pay your meal and don't have a second date. You also have a second date if you're not getting the information you need to move on with dating. If he wants to get to know you better than he needs to get to know you better online first and make sure you both are compatible with for you even think about having a first date.

AlienParasite · Accepted Answer

In my case it's not even necessary to ask that. The moment we ask for the bill the moment I would put my wallet on the table or get my debit card. The other way, he should convince me in case he doesn't want me to pay.

However as I'm in a society in which the normal thing is to always be responsible of your stuff and never expect to other do something for you, therefore I believe that I would feel a bit weird if someone ask me to do what I find obvious, and that would at least create a small awkward moment.

Freiburger · Accepted Answer

If you ask someone out, you should pay. Find somewhere within your budget range and bring them there. If they're polite, they'll offer to go Dutch. But don't expect it.

This applies if you're male or female. Now if you mutually agree a date later on, then you should pay proportionally what you can. If one of you is a doctor and the other is a student, then obviously the doctor should pay more regardless of gender. It's the gesture that counts.

It isn't that hard - your idea, you pay (maybe I chip in a bit). Our idea, we both pay what we can. Fair?

coachTanthony · Accepted Answer

I keep going back to this video because I am lazy and don't feel like typing it out. Show this to your mom by the way.

AynonOMouse · Answer

I can afford it and I would still want her to pay for herself. That is because I would only be interested in a serious exclusive relationship and I would want someone that intends to contribute as well, including contributing to our potential future family and home. I think more long term. And I don't want someone that just thinks of men as an ATM.
Then after the first date I would expect to take turns of who pays. If she is the type to think it is a favor to pay for her own self then she is obviously sexist and should be avoided for any relationships.

lumos · Answer

I don't think it's a bad thing, as long as he asks respectfully (and in my opinion, "is it ok if you pay for your own meal?" is respectful enough). Personally, I'd let my date know that I'm paying for my own food before we even sit down.

I don't think a guy would ask something like that for the hell of it, he probably can't really afford spending too much money on things right now for whatever reason. It's an awkward question to ask in any situation, whether it's a date or even just between friends, so there must be a good reason for it.

MrNameless · Answer

Uhh.. I think if he invited you, he should pay. But not because you are a woman. It sucks that men get screwed either way. If they don't they will be seen as cheap and might not get a second date. In a perfect world we'd split on the first date without even having to ask and have an awkward conversation. But I'd sort of treat this like an investment, like a family member too. If I invite them, I'll pay for them.. and then we would take turns paying for the next lunches/dinner. That's how I was raised. Also, I just don't want to get into that awkward conversation and lose out on a potential partner.

PinkMichae · Answer

It's only bad for him because if he invites me on a date he plans then brings up money, that is so unromantic and I would not plan to see him again. I wouldn't invite someone out and do that to them. I plan the dates I can afford. If I can't afford dinner for both of us then I take him for drinks or on a picnic. But when i plan a date i do it to make him feel special. To show him he's not just any guy to me. It would be no different then inviting someone to dinner at your house then telling them they have to cook half of it. oh and pay for half the ingredients. Lol! Takes the romance out of things. It also gives me a glimpse of how they will be down the line if living together or married they will not give in the time of need. For instance if I got laid off from work and couldn't pay my half he would leave me instead of help me like I will help him when the roles are reversed. I want to know my date has the ability to give and not treat our date like a buisness transaction.

dmgstarfleet · Answer

First, I laud you for thinking this way. Many women have an "entitlement" attitude and NEVER pay for themselves, much less pick up the occasional check. That said he SHOULD pay for the first date at least and probably the first 3 or 4. After that, if a relationship should be budding then it needs to be discussed. I dated one woman for a year and a half-she was filthy rich, had expensive tastes but NEVER picked up a check because she was "old fashioned" (Didn't stop her from deciding which restaurants she wanted me to take her) . I finally broke up with her because I simply could not afford her.

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

No. Its that he doesn't want to invest a lot of resources into you at this point in time (women can and do exploit this "old fashion" attitude and expect to be pampered by the guy even when they have very little interest in an actual relationship). If you believe women are equal, if you believe in equal rights then by extension you need to believe in equal responsibilities and that means paying your own way. Let me put it this way, if you expect him to pay is it fair of him to expect you to cook for him? Is it fair of him to expect you to have sex with him? If not then you need to step up and pay your share. So no, I don't think this is an issue of any kind, he probably is taking things slowly and he doesn't want to get taken for a sucker and exploited (intentionally or otherwise) and that he is just taking things slowly.

MotionlessStorm · Answer

I guess it's a personal thing. I always OFFER to pay for my meal when I'm on a date, because I never want that to be held against me or for someone to feel obligated to pay for my meal. I'm old fashioned though and find it attractive when a man won't let me pay. I'm never offended if the guy says "oh yeah sure" to my offer, but I would be a little turned off if they straight up told me I was paying for my meal, especially if THEY asked me out. It just seems tacky to me. If I initiated the date I would offer to pay for both meals. I've only dated men who quite literally will not let me pay for anything because they too are old fashioned and would feel gross letting me pay.

Izumiblu · Answer

It depends on his motive. You aren’t a mind reader I think so you can only roll with it.

There is nothing inherently wrong with splitting half and half. There is also nothing inherently wrong with following a set of rules that you are comfortable with that differs from that so long as your intent isn’t to use or take advantage of that. The people that overly focus on the “fairness” of splitting cost on a single dinner date are reducing a date to the cost of a plate of pasta a drink.

In other words don’t sweat it for now.

omeglemissy69 · Answer

I pay for my own I think that fair
You don't know what the other persons financial situation might be and I might just be different, I'm independent and buy what I need in life not depending on others. For me it's strange that people expect to have someone pay for them.
When I did date back in the days by boyfriend and I wouldn't go 50 50 exactly. We would go out, he paid for one thing, I paid for another, he got dinner when I got cinema tickets, there was always a balance.
When i don't know someone I'm an adult and paying for my own shit. I find it strange and suspicious when someone is pushing too hard to change that

HitGirl_007 · Answer

I don’t think it’s bad at all but I think it may be awkward him having to come out and ask.

I don’t think in this day and age it should be up the the guy to pay for the girl on dates that is so old fashioned. And what if he really likes her and wants to see her but just doesn’t ya e the money? What he misses out that’s not fair to either party.

Girls come on get some balls be independent and pay your way, heck why not pay for him, why doesn’t he deserve to be treated and shown you really like him and want him and to spoil him?

We are both as equally into each other so fair should be fair. And make it as easy as possible and don’t make him ask you to pay for your own just expect that you will pay your own way unless when you get your wallet out to pay for yourself he insists that you don’t and he’d like to pay for you.

Pretty simple I say!!

90sGrunge · Answer

I get that all equal thing, a girl should offer to pay, but isn't he the one inviting? If i'm the one who invites whoever, i'll be the one to pay, that's how i see it. If he wants a relationship and calls you sunshine already, says he's on the shy side, yet didn't hesitate to ask if you're willing to pay something fishy here.

RussianNestingDoll · Answer

I’m old school because of my age maybe? I think it’s only polite to pay if you’re the one who invited them. Otherwise there could be embarrassment as maybe the invitee has to turn the inviter down because they can’t afford it at the time. Not everyone gets paid the same day or has the same exact expenses even if they are from the same area.

Dreagon · Answer

It's not a bad thing. Especially for a first date I do think it's reasonable that both pay for their own meal or you just split the bill 50/50 because that might be the only date you have and if the man has to pay everything things get expensive. He might not have that much money to spend or something like that.

Lauren-green · Answer

No that's not a bad thing. This is a stereotype from back in the day when women couldn't get jobs and didn't have their own money. Women earn their own money now and can easily afford to pay for their own meal.

Someguynamedbob · Answer

The thing is men take many women out on first dates that go nowhere so if we pay for every fucking first date we are spending a lot of money for no reason, while tons of women get free meals for no reason, not very fair is it? I'll gladly pay for the 2 and 3rd date because there is more potential it will go somwhere but a 1st date is 50/50 split the God damn bill

MecheD · Answer

It’s not bad... it’s just new to your mom. This day in age men and women have almost literally met half way in the dating realm. It’s just tbh another precaution for anything potential most men don’t want to be used as a (sugar daddy) for a woman to use whenever she is hungry or needs anything.

runningbare00 · Answer

I grew up believing in chivalry and being a gentleman. I pay for my date. I open the door, move the seat out for her, but times have changed. Gentlemen have died out, because "Ladies" no longer exist.
If a guy wishes to pay for your meal, then great, but it shouldn't be a deal breaker

teamvic · Answer

If the dude asks to take you on a date then he should pay, if y'all are already dating then it's fine if the girl pays every once and a while

Maybe he just didn't want to be used for a free meal

Cause some girls do that, go on a date with someone just for the free food and then dip

But i would've played for both If i was him

Anonymous · Answer

I don’t think it does him any favours doing that. I mean the girl should just offer anyway and he can let her if that’s the case. But if she didn’t offer and there wasn’t really a connection or he’s low on money at the moment then yeah that’s perfectly okay but it’s unlikely they’ll ever see each other again.

Your mom shouldn’t be setting you up to expect guys to pay, she should be encouraging you to offer splitting. But from my own personal experience (and that’s literally all it is so isn’t totally reliable) guys that I’ve really felt a good vibe with always paid and declined my offer to split.

Anonymous · Answer

We can't keep double standards if we want real equality. I don't see why a guy should pay for both, especially on a first date. I think it says a lot about a girl if she doesn't even offer to pay her half.

Is it a bad thing if a guy asks you to pay for your own meal for a date?

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