Boyfriend not replying to my message after I texted him that my beauty pageant went wrong?

[Anonymous]

Hi,
So I had my beauty pageant yesterday night which did not go well. Before it started he called me and messaged me saying good luck.
Right when it finished I went back to hotel and saw his message:
How did it go, it is over?
I replied:
It is over. It did not go well...
This was at 23:00 right after competition.
I then proceeded crying in my room and saw that he read my text immediately but did not reply or call.

Today is already the next day and it is 21:09 and it is Saturday.

No message or calls.

This is not the first time something like this happens. Like all is great we are talking and then something goes wrong he disappears.

Together for 7 years.

It kind off starts getting to me. And usually after something like that he would say: I thought you will call.

What do you guys think? He knows I never did pageants. It is something completely out of my comfort zone. I'm usually a book worm.

[btbc92]

The problem is no proper communication. At the same time. Your message didn't incate you wanted further interaction so he probably took that as you wanting to be alone. If he was talking to you more, and you just admitted you cried avoyt it, that ia stressful especially for men who aren't emotionally forward. The reality is both of you need to learn how to effevtively communicate. If you desore for him to share input, to comfort you etc you beed to tell him this verbally and tell him how yoi desire to be comforted. Men are nlt mind readers. Sadly, some men may not care. But I rather not assume. It is best to ask and inquire with him. If he doesn't shum your communication the it is you who refuses to communicate. Not him.

[btbc92]

If he assumes your going to call that says something about your relationship. Neither of you are communicating... for 7 years. Both of you have to stop assuming.

[Asker]

I already told him this a couple times. That when things get bad it is like he pushes me away. I understood it at first. But thing is he KNOWS how important it was for me. He messaged DAILY and tried to call. and once I said that something went wrong he went mute. I am almost sure that if I won he would have called today. Please don't assume that neither of us is communicating because I said it to him multiple times. And that's why it is frustrating now.

[Asker]

If a person keeps calling/texting when everything is perfect and then backs down once things get bad it is not ok anyway. Men are wired that way. No matter how many times you ask them: please please respond to my tex because when you don't it makes me feel rubbish. At least respond when things get bad. And please don't disappear when things get bad." If they don't care they don't care... the above sentences were by me in one of many scenarios when I tried to communicate... already lost 7 years trying to communicate..

[btbc92]

Asker. BIG ISSUE HERE. Your already ACCUSING HIM. That is not communication. That is accusations and assumptions. You cannot communicate how you feel if you already have a judgment about a person. No it's not that men are wired that way. You put yourself in that position. You yourself is not straight. You rest your entire confidence and self esteem on a person who cannot give you the same thing that you're looking for. You've been with him for seven years and you sing you lost 7 years trying to communicate. Now the problem is that you don't know how to effectively communicate. Cuz I can take out my intro to communication textbook and I can list all the things you're doing wrong.

[btbc92]

You have insecurities. And when you're in a relationship, you cannot have that going up. These insecurities are yours it's not for him to deal with. Either your own insecurities. If your insecurities is that bad my suggestion for you is a police seek a professional therapist, counselor, and if there's no need for further evaluation then they may recommend that you see a psychotherapist. I already explained this if I haven't already in my first comments. He doesn't want to deal with the negativity. You already said this. Everything you're saying I already know what it is. You're not communicating effectively and I stand by what I have to say.

[btbc92]

Neither you nor him is healthy as people. Him being a man has nothing to do with his choices. That has everything to do with the male you picked. You picked a man that cannot give you the emotional attention and validation that you seek. You are not only being dishonest to yourself, you've been dishonest in general draw this entire relationship. Everything is saying points to a problem with neither of you are effectively communicating. Instead of communicating you're accusing. The moment you say You Make Me Feel, the conversation is no longer a conversation it is now an argument. You already excuse that he pushes you away. If he really pushed you away why would you be involved with a man that did that to you the first time? That's a red flag that's a red flag on your profile that says you have no boundaries no self-esteem no love for yourself, and you tolerate abuse and people taking advantage of you. That's a problem. If he's not actually pushing you away then it just says a lot will you make an assumption because of past and prior experiences. I know because I lived with it when I was in school. He doesn't know how to make you happy without you accusing him. Not every man can handle that just like some women can't handle that. As emotionally sensitive and empathetic I am, there are times I can't even handle that. And I'm emphatic, highly sensitive and an abuse victim who grew up. with such arguments. You have a lot of unrealistic expectations about relationships that obviously he cannot meet. He tries and then you upset when he doesn't try enough. That's says something, that you're not satisfied with self. And you're only putting blame on him so that way you don't have to put the blame on yourself.

[btbc92]

If beauty pageants are causing a negative impact in your life you should not be doing beauty pageants anymore. Because it's clear you cannot handle this in a healthy Manner and is also affecting your relationship. If you choose to stay with it, and you choose to not be in this relationship, and you still have problems afterwards, then it has to do with you and not the relationship. He cannot fix you nor can he fix your problems. You have to be the one to make a conscious decision how you going to have it fixed. Remember that you are in a relationship. But he is not your counselor.

[Asker]

'you have insecurities" . News flash - everyone has insecurities. But no, in no way I am transferring them onto him. Waiting for your partner to check on you after a stressful situation is normal.
Saying "You make me feel" is wrong. Seriously?
How else do you communicate?

If I read this when I was 19 I would have believed you but now a lot of stuff written there is so toxic.

It is true, I chose a partner who perhaps is emotionally incompatible.

You are saying that people should communicate and then you proceed to accusing me about telling him how I feel.
I didn't even bother readding the rest of your comments after that.

That is VERY toxic and THATS what I was told since I was a teen.

That it is my fault and that I blame him for everything... I don't.
The only thing you are right about is that we are incompatible.

Dear God z please don't give advices like tolhat to teens because of people like you I stayed in a highly abusive relationship thinking that I am to blame for everything and I can NEVER talk about how I feel.

Please, thank you

[Asker]

Just an FYI - the verb accusing does not really fit here. You accuse someone of wrongdoing l. Meaning that there has to be an ACT a person is caused of.

Your sentence does not even make sense.

I am not accusing him of anything.

[btbc92]

This is where the ignorance come in. You want to talk about the news flash all I'm getting if anything's you trying to Blind my eyes and I'm already trying to keep my brain sane with people like you trying to stress me out to death.

The moment you get involved with a person. Take notes since you're claiming yourself to be working. Take notes. The moment you get involved with a person you're already sadly doing the very things you claim that you say you're not doing!

Is it not any more clear to you. You say at 19 you would have believed me but no you already toxic! It's called taking personal responsibility. Everybody has a Insecurities yes but at least I take personal responsibility Missy! I've been told it's my fault all my life too, but here's the difference. I know the difference. And I know what I'm wrong and if I'm wrong I apologize. I got for forgiveness and I move on.

You want to know how you communicate will let me go to my introduction to communication textbooks that I thank God I got an A on and find out.

[btbc92]

Page 71, chapter 4 of 10 communication Third Edition on listening.

Without spamming you with so many I'm just going to give you key notes you can even learn for yourself.

Genuine, long-term learning requires knowledge, skills, and motivation. Here we Briefly summarize how that applies to listening:

Knowledge - What to do: unless you understand the principles, importance, and functions of human listening, you may not even know you need to listen.

Skills- How to do it: even if you know you need to listen, you may not have the skill to do it effectively.

Motivation- want to do it: knowing you need to listen and knowing how to listen are not enough. Unless you want to listen, listening will not be coming natural lifelong practice.

Several listening researchers have applied these three confidence these two college students and people working in organizational settings. Research on student listening competencies by Lynn Cooper and Ray Buchanan demonstrate the importance of knowledge, skills, and motivation. They include that effective listeners are:

1. Open or willing to listen
2. Able to read nonverbal cues
3. Able to understand verbal cues
4. Able to respond appropriately
5. Able to remember relevant details

[btbc92]

And another issue I pointed out which is exactly what Deborah Tannen says in her book "You just don't understand: women and men in conversation" maybe instead of arguing with me you need to save up some of that money and invest in that book. Explains it simply enough because it talks about gender and the difference between men and women that actually communicate differently. Men and women make the same complaint about listening. It says right here in my book, some women complain that their male partners and colleagues don't listen to them. She observed that men sometimes make the same complaint about women. She explains that the accusation " you're not listening" often means " you don't understand what I said" or " I'm not getting the response I want." I may have my own toxicity to myself. And I am going through them and God has helped me heal from them. But one thing I can say, if I'm telling you that you need to learn the very things I had to learn, and you refuse to listen because you have disruptive listening going on, that's a you problem. They have nothing to do with me. I effectively listen to everything that you had said. But it is you who chose to disregard what was said to you.

[btbc92]

Three competencies*

[btbc92]

So before you want to talk about how I'm accusing you, being toxic and judging you. I say pay attention to what's been what is being said to you. Because this entire you was not was listen. Any normal person would have just gave up a long time ago. A person who loves, listens. A person who doesn't care doesn't give a damn.

[Anonymous]

some times things happen and we literally don't have any idea how to respond in a way that it makes other person less sad

[Asker]

Wouldn't you at least... Try?

[Opinion Owner]

maybe, but this is a thing he has to think about and if he thinks saying nothing is better then who am I to judge?

[Asker]

No, I don't want to judge anyone. Sorry if I came across that way.

Well, if you were in my place would you be ok with your girlfriend going mute on you?

[Opinion Owner]

well, you're right
I would expect her to at least say "I'm sorry, maybe next time"
but it's not necessary
also keep that in mind the thing you want him to talk about it is something guys don't know much about it so don't expect much from him

[Anonymous]

Drama...