Am I to blame for being stalked?

[Anonymous]

So this guy's a distant friend of family and all this started because I had glanced over at him from across the room when I was 16 (he was 20 then). Ever since he'd kinda stare for a couple of seconds when he saw me and I began taking interest in him and reciprocated.

However, at one point it developed into him intensely watching me for a whole minute straight without letting go, so recognising his fixation was becoming unhealthy, I dropped it. But although I only see him occasionally, this continued for 7 years! He'd watch me as I eat, drink, or sometimes hide behind something and watch me as I walk. What's worse is that I can't directly yell out to him while he does this as he always watches me from afar.

Once I was just trying to have my coffee when I again noticed him staring from afar. I ignored this but he continued staring as I drank it, as I got up from my seat, turned the corner and walked over to the bin. I legit just wanted to be left alone, so I tried hiding behind something for a few seconds to avoid him, but even when I stepped out, he was still there watching me. I felt sick to my stomach and I couldn't help but break down. I just want to be at peace at these events, what should I do? It's been 7 years! Am I in some way responsible? Why's this happening to me?

[TommyMountainFigure]

Before I answer I have a point to make you may not have considered.
You said it started because you looked back at him. Well how do you know that he wouldn't have continued staring had you NOT of looked back?

Ok now to my answer. Next time you see him staring at you in a public place casually walk up to hi and ask him why for 7 years he's been stalking you. Do it loudly in front of everyone. I guarantee it will stop once he knows you aren't scared to confront him!

[Asker]

Hey, thanks for the answer. No, it started because I was the one who initiated it by glancing over at him from across the room (I was 16 and he was 20 at the time). That's what started everything.
It later continued from there because he ever since he began glancing over at me (i. e flirting to convey interest), and I'd reciprocate.
So I was under the impression that it was only continuing because I'd reciprocated it. Now I stopped when I realised it was becoming an unhealthy fixation, but I can't help but blame myself for it. But yes, what you said was a fair point, I never thought of it like that.

He always stares from a distance which is why I can't yell out to him.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Is there a possibility he likes you but is scared to approach you because he knows it's creepy?

[Asker]

He comes from an extremely orthodox family, so he can only choose from someone his parents introduce which is the reason he isn't approaching. But in either case this is more like obsession than love, it's too fixated and him watching me from afar for this length of time is strange. What do you think?

[TommyMountainFigure]

I agree it is certainly an obsession, and I am starting to get a picture here. Right then. Next time you catch him looking at you... Shake your head 'no' see how that goes.

[Asker]

Thank you, I will try and do that next time. Also if you don't mind me asking, just before the last incident (the coffee incident I described) he was hiding behind a door and watching me so I began laughing at him- I did that because I usually feel powerless when he watches me from afar, so I thought laughing/mocking him would restore that power. This may have aggravated it, but do you think that was stupid of me? I just want to show him that I'm not stronger than that.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Laughing at him is a form mocking and if he is besotted with you, then yes it will likely annoy him. Being forceful and gesturing no leaves him no option but to know he is wrong. From that point on he knows he COULD be in trouble for doing this, bearing in mind he knows you have a family member that knows him too.

[Asker]

Sure, thank you. I think I should in some way strongly convey to him that I don't approve of it. As you said shaking my head would do the trick, thank you for the suggestion 🙂

[TommyMountainFigure]

You're very welcome. I would of suggested you go to the police about it, but I really don't think they would do anything unless things escalated.

[Asker]

I'm pretty sure I would need to somehow convey to him that I don't like it before going to the police anyway. Then again, I'm pretty sure shaking my head would be enough and he won't continue this after that.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Fingers crossed..

[Honesttguy]

His mentally ill, stay safe get pepper spray those guys are type thst rape, be very fuking carefull

[Asker]

No this is just obsession, he always watches me from afar when he sees me at events. In a way I feel bad for him, which is why I don't know if I am to blame for this

[Honesttguy]

Cus u looked come on. Maybe next is because u breathe.
Its his own mental problem

[Asker]

Not only because I initiated the whole thing by glancing over at him, but also because I reciprocated for a while until he began getting alittle too obsessed on this. Which is why I don't know if it's my fault too :'(

[Honesttguy]

Girl i dont know if you realize how stupid this sounds to me, i glanced at him? What u think u some superhero with powers to just glance at people and hypnotize them, come on.
His a fuking pshyco obviosly have some issues, there are bunch or fuked up weirdos out there, when i was younger i had to stop guy from raping a girl, his a fuking pshyco and there are plenty more of them out there, its not because she glanced at him and followed his lead that she had to be forced to sleep with him, its cus his fuked up and had no self control

[Asker]

I understand where you're coming from, but the only thing he does is stand at a distance and stares (or watches rather) at my face. He only sees me occasionally but in 7 years, if he was a psycho as you say, then he wouldn't have stopped with just staring from afar and this stalkerish business right?

He isn't trying to harm me in anyway. Does this change your opinion?

[Asker]

@honesttguy I'm not in anyway justifying his fixation/ obsessive behaviour ofcourse stalking someone like this is wrong, I'm just saying he isn't trying to harm me in anyway

[Honesttguy]

Its that energy of lack control that makes him stare, if i were u i wouldn't want to find myself alone with him in close proximity. Keep distance dont get too close to him. As a guy i know what feelings come up when guy looks at girl and to keep staring for years, to do that its fixation can't let go of you and that is predatory, you dont know what feelings rush through guys body if his in same room alone with girl he wants, he can lose control of himself, just like he demostrates lack of self control for years. You will not physically stop him. Stay safe and dont be naive pls its naive girls that end up in bad scenarios.

[Asker]

Even if he only stares at my face from afar? I understand where you're coming from, but he also comes from a very orthodox family so they can only date from someone their parents introduce.
Although I understand you're trying to look out for me, and warn me, I'm just wondering if anything changes when I mention this?

[Honesttguy]

Well if his programmed differently from childhood then yes that changes things, then he might have self control after all.

[Asker]

Also, one last question if you don't mind me asking. I just found out that his 'alliance is arranged' with this other girl, but the problem is that he still uses some indirect mechanism (coding or something) to make sure that even the public posts/pics he uploads of her (which are visible to the public) are hidden from me.

Firstly I don't know why he's can't just get himself to block me instead of going through all this trouble. But more importantly, though this might seem like nothing on the surface, what'd really concerning is that there is absolutely no feature on fb which anyone to hide public posts from someone who is not in your friend list. So he used an indirect mechanism (perhaps coding) to deny my access to those posts.

Based on this, do u think he might be tampering with my fb profile? Should I be worried?

[Honesttguy]

I dont think his able to do coding, he eould have to access facebooks code, through hacking or if he works there. Im not sure on what his doing on facebook

[Asker]

Yeah, that's the thing that concerns me, the 'how'. All I know is that he's used an indirect mechanism of some sort to do this because fb does not have this feature at all.

Do you think it's likely that he tampered with my fb profile? Should I be worried?

He's an IT guy by the way

[Honesttguy]

U can always delete facebook

[slatyb]

Why are you around him at all? You are an adult and don’t have to tolerate his company.

[Asker]

I attend leisure activities like any normal person and he just happens to go to those same events. This is where this happens, he always watches me from a distance