He won’t drop the argument and keeps making me feel bad. Should I accept its over?

[JJm1234]

I’ve been seeing this guy for just over 6 months. I’m 28 and he’s 50. We’ve had a few disagreements here and there but aside from that everything has been going well. One thing I’ve noticed though is the lack of intimacy with him and sometimes it can be frustrating. Especially when he tells me he wants us to have more sex and tells me that it will get better like he has done for the past few months. We’d not had sex for 3 weeks and he said we would have some on Friday night just gone. Friday came and he made a comment to me about how we’ve ‘not had any action’. It upset me because he does this a lot and makes me feel like it’s my fault. So I got defensive and told him I didn’t like it when he says that and I wish we were more intimate together. He said that he likes to cook for me and wants us to watch films with the two nights we have together. So I told him it seemed wrong for him to prioritise movies over intimacy especially when we do only get two nights a week together. He got really annoyed by this, like it was such a big deal for him to be intimate with me. I told him that just taking 30 minutes out for us to have intimacy together would be nice. He then said ‘well maybe you should come over every two weeks’. I found this confusing because why would he want to spend less time together in order for us to be more intimate? I kept apologising to him over the next couple of days (with no apology from him) because he said he can’t see us moving on from it. On Monday morning he told me that it was okay and that maybe he does prioritise food and tv above intimacy and that he loved me. Tuesday night he brought the argument up again and I told him we was supposed to be moving on from it. He said ‘good luck with that’. I told him I didn’t want us to split up and that I didn’t mean what I said with malicious intent but he was having none of it. I can’t understand why he’s turned on me again after admitting he might have got his priorities wrong.

[HollyK21]

It’s quite possible that at his age his sex drive has gone down, and rather than address it he’d prefer gaslighting and putting the blame on you. Now you feel guilty for making a simple request and apologizing up and down, so he can walk away from the relationship feeling faultless. To which I’d say stop apologizing — you aren’t wrong for wanting to be intimate with your man. There’s nothing to pay for or feel bad about, so you shouldn’t carry on as if you’ve cheated or done something awful in your relationship. He sounds like a man-child, and if that’s the way he handles situations then you are much better off without him. Adjusting your standards and boundaries to accommodate his poor behavior is NOT the move.

[JJm1234]

I’ve been more than understanding with the age difference. But when he barely touches me or kisses me, I start to take it personally. He tells me he wants more time and intimacy with me, but his words don’t match his actions. I can’t believe he’s making me feel bad for wanting more of it with him.

[HollyK21]

And you have the right to feel that way. Especially when you only get two nights a week together, of course you want to make the most of that time. You’re supposed to be able to get intimacy in your relationship— that’s a perk of being in one. When you don’t receive that it’s frustrating and hurtful, which he doesn’t seem to get. I feel like you’re at a crossroads in a relationship where you need to take some time alone to make big decisions. I can’t advise talking to him because it sounds like you’ve already done that more than once. It doesn’t even sound like he makes an effort to try and do things differently, which isn’t ok. So now it’s a matter of accepting that this is who he is as a person, and deciding if it can be enough for you, or if you want to end that situation and wait for a guy who’s more on your page.

[JJm1234]

What’s hurt me as well is that for the past day and a half we’ve been talking like everything is normal. He told me he loved me and he wants us to have more intimacy together. And then tonight he’s brought the argument back up out of nowhere and has made me feel like crap. I told him I didn’t think it was a bad thing me wanting more intimacy with him, but all he sees is me being ungrateful because he cooks for me over the weekend. I’ve told him many times I’m grateful for him cooking for me, even before this argument. I just don’t know why he won’t let it go.

[HollyK21]

I think at this point you need to place actions over over words, because there’s only so many times he should be allowed (yes allowed, because that falls in line with what you’ll accept) to declare the desire for more intimacy only to follow it up with these same actions. Same as he should not be allowed to make you feel like crap because of HIS shortcomings. One thing in relationships I’ve learned is that when a guy is projecting blame onto you, it’s to deflect from him own wrongdoings. I hate to even suggest this, but I do wonder if another woman is in the picture here. Not only because he keeps trying to blame you for lack of intimacy, but he is not initiating or even seems interested in doing so once you’re together. Then you only see eachother twice a week, so what’s happening in the other 5 days? Is this a weekend arrangement?

[Nads111]

Either date someone younger or stick it through if you really want him.

[JJm1234]

His age really doesn’t bother me and I’ve been more than patient with him regarding the lack of sex. He’s even told me before that I’m patient about it. But when he tells me he wants more intimacy with me and his words don’t match his actions, I can’t help but take it personally. Sometimes I feel like he’s telling me what I want to hear. I just can’t believe he’s happy putting tv above intimacy.

[Nads111]

It's not just the age but also his sex drive. He is getting older not younger so he won't be able to meet your needs in the long term too, it will most likely just get worse as time goes by. Just something to ponder about.

[JJm1234]

I understand that. But I wish he would just be open and honest about it and not shame me for wanting more intimacy with him. I told him I don’t mean just sex, I mean other forms of intimacy too. Like kissing and cuddling.

[OlderAndWiser]

Why is it that you want to remain with this guy?