Did my date seem like a toxic guy?

[Anonymous]

He got kicked out of his Uber for cussing the driver out, then biked all the way to our date, he was annoyed at the waiter for getting his drink wrong and made him correct it because it tasted terrible, kept talking shit about the wait staff, we had drinks after and he told me about revenge sex he had once and how most of his relationships were casual, he drinks often and told me he does drugs, kept confessing that he’s actually a really nice guy and is just a sarcastic asshole a lot, he’s leaving our job (we work together) and told me he can give me his projects (which stresses me out), told a guy at a table near us to shut the fuck up for talking so loud, and told me he thought I was a narcissist at first.
Am I overthinking or does he seem a little unhinged?

Updates

+1 y

Also he told me he “usually dates models”

[MikeInHawaii]

Do you not know the answer to your question, or are you seeking validation for what you already know?

I call it the Muhammad Ali Rule. He said he would watch how people treated the waiter and figured that’s how they would treat him if he wasn’t in his position. Another variation is however someone treats the wait staff on your first date is how he or she will treat you in six months.

I’m sometimes amazed at how perceptive dogs can be. I’m suspicious of anyone a dog, especially a normally friendly one, doesn’t like. I’m equally amazed at how much difficulty women seem to have spotting an obvious ass hole right in front of them.

[Asker]

I’m gonna cut him off. I just won’t respond to his texts.
I was really scared of him and cutting it off because he seems malicious.

[Shamalien]

You’re joking right? I mean respect for ditching the uber and biking, that shows resilience, but being rude to waiters? That’s not right

[Asker]

Yeah I was embarrassed and then uncomfortable talking to him so when the waiter came over I unintentionally didn’t make eye contact with the waiter when I ordered something. But I wasn’t trying to be rude, and I’m shy. He goes “I love how you didn’t look at the guy at all in the eyes. I’m proud of you. America rushes everyone to eat fast” then kept proclaiming he’s such a nice guy and stuff.

[AmandaYVR]

Yeah, he's toxic. Don't bother with him.

[Asker]

I don't know what to do. I feel like I’m attracted to toxic men with issues. I’m not like that at all, I’m quiet and sweet.

[AmandaYVR]

You should definitely think deeply about why that might be.
Do you think you don't deserve to be treated well? Do you see them as having strength that you don't, and that they will be a protector of you? (That doesn't work. Toxic people will turn on everyone eventually.)

[Asker]

I’m definitely turned on by his lack of care and non challant. Probably because I can’t be that way and also I love the confidence that comes with it

[AmandaYVR]

Yeah, I think at the root of most girl’s comments about this, the draw is that the guy has strength and confidence. The stronger he is, the less you have to be.

Same thing goes for in the bedroom. You can remove guilt from taking ownership of your own wants, by having him take control, satisfying his wants.

But remember, guys like this look out for themselves first. They are always the priority. Not you.

As far as your Update, re: models. That’s your insecurity talking. You’re competing with the idea of girls you think are better than you. Or you want to be in the same league as all of them. Don’t do that. Don’t compete. Focus on yourself, don’t compare. Comapring is an endless loop of measuring yourself… and often coming up short; or trying to win.

[Asker]

Thanks for all of this. That’s so true in my case.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to continue seeing him but he hasn’t solidified any upcoming plans yet since his family is coming to town.
But anyway should I just ghost him or explain to him? Just walk away?

[AmandaYVR]

You’re welcome.

“I’m gonna cut him off. I just won’t respond to his texts.
I was really scared of him and cutting it off because he seems malicious.”

Guys like this should not be chased. It just feeds into their bad behaviour. It affirms their methods.
I’m not sure that you will have the strength to not go to him, but ghosting him, not responding, is not good in the long run. This is a learning opportunity, about assertiveness. If you’ve truly decided he is toxic (I think he is and support that conclusion) then you should be straight with him. He’s a grown man, he can handle it. You don’t have to use the word ‘toxic’ but can say a softer version of what you are thinking, your concerns you have observed. He may not like it, but who cares. Or, he may very much respect you for actually calling him out on it.

But ghosting is avoidant, and it won’t help you, or him, to grow as people. Make a clean break.

[Asker]

Sounds good. But by the way I am not chasing him. He initiates like almost every single conversation. And asked me out. I never had to chase or take initiative. Maybe follow up on some things but that’s it. Probably another reason I liked him a lot. Because he pursued me and I didn’t have to. I could sit back more.

[MikeInHawaii]

I once had a woman, on the third date, ask why I never yell at her. Women who are attracted to chest-thumping, strutting ass holes need to form a support group called “Future Battered Wives of America.”

[AmandaYVR]

Yes, it does feel nice to be pursued when you like the person too. But remember, players pursue. They play a numbers game.
Other guys may or may not. Just depends on their experiences, and what their take is on the current dating zeitgeist out there. Many good guys have been shamed into submission, or have fallen victim to groupthink and fearmongering which tells them "Dude, you could go to jail if she takes offence." So the guys who are bold, and approach and chase skew the numbers.
He may like you. Not trying to say he doesn't. But being wanted is not enough. Being wanted by the wrong type of guy is just a waste of time, and could have lingering ill effects on the way you think about men and dating.

@MikeInHawaii That woman is really messed up. I don't understand these women.
Was she commenting on how other guys have treated her, as opposed to her wanting to be treated that way? Still, why is anyone yelling at anyone, in those early first dates. Couples fight. I hear them on the street often. But they know each other well. They're not on their best behaviour anymore.

[MikeInHawaii]

We remained friends and I think, strangely got closer, when I yelled at her. My words were more harsh than loud.

She was thirty, gorgeous, and should have had no trouble finding men. She went out with a coworker and asked if it was a mistake since he was 47, married, and had six kids. (Plus had an entry level job, so probably couldn’t support his family, even without a side squeeze. I asked her, “Are you such a dumb slut you have to ask me if this relationship is a bad idea?”

[AmandaYVR]

@MikeInHawaii You don't have the right to criticize her character when you treated her like that. That's called being abusive and taking advantage of someone. She's messed up, but you're worse because you toyed with her intentionally.

[MikeInHawaii]

Huh?

[AmandaYVR]

@MikeInHawaii This topic is about toxic men, and in your standalone comment you say "I’m equally amazed at how much difficulty women seem to have spotting an obvious ass hole right in front of them."

You can criticize women for falling for assholes, but you can't also, at the same time, be an asshole, calling them to their faces, "dumb slut" etc etc. Pick one or the other. This is called talking out of both sides of your mouth.

[MikeInHawaii]

Would you think twice about criticizing my character if I knowingly went out with a married woman with six kids?

[AmandaYVR]

@MikeInHawaii I would think less of you but I wouldn't call you the equivalent to your face. And I definitely would not sit across from you, like a friend, touting life advice, and then use that type of language.
I might occasionally sound harsh if what I read from the other person is selfish, boastful, narcissistic, etc., but if they're genuinely troubled and asking for help or insight as to what they should do, or why they do the things they do, I wouldn't tear them down.

[WhitneySnow]

He sounds toxic

[Anonmehahaha]

Run away

[Asker]

How bad does he sound?