How to approach boyfriend about his lack of sexual intimacy?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have only been seeing other for about 3 months. It started out feeling very passionate and physical as well as both of us staring this feeling of a strong emotional connection.

Early on I told him I have a higher sex drive and it's something I need in a relationship. That was met with him stating he is the same way. The sometime in the past month or so he's only touched me if it's hugging or cuddling. Even when I kiss him it feels different and he pulls back before I can even attempt to deepen the kiss. I flirt with him and compliment him often enough but I'm lucky if i even get called beautiful let alone hot something else to let me know he desires he.

He (unprovoked) talks about our future together all the time, but it's starting to feel like he isn't even attracted to me. I get hit on by strangers all the time but my own boyfriend can't even tell me I look nice.

How do I bring this up without sounding insecure or accusatory?

[PrettyPriya]

You just need to sit down and be honest about your wants and needs. You also need to be respectful of his wants and needs and frequency of those needs. There is always a compromise out there.

I think what happened is that "honeymoon" period has passed for him and not for you. It is not unusual for that to happen for two people at different times. You are still in that lovey stage where it is all still so exciting and he is past that.

You may also just naturally have a higher sex drive. Again, you need to communicate this to him and bring it up not as a problem but something you want to work on. Be ready to compromise and come to a reasonable solution.

Intimacy is part of a healthy relationship, but you both need to come together on how often and understand that no two people are the same. Best of luck to you and your boyfriend. I hope it works out.

[Asker]

I appreciate the thorough answer. My problem is I have been very upfront and honest about where my needs and wants are. How do you begin to compromise with someone who says theirs is the same as yours? The actions don't match the words. I have a way of being very blunt and I don't want that to cause him to feel defensive or shit the conversation down.

[PrettyPriya]

You are welcome and I get what you are saying. Essentially, he isn't being honest with himself or he is just saying that to appease you. I think that is where you do need to be blunt. You can say something similar to:

"Okay, I know we have talked about this before and I don't want to keep bringing it up but something has to be sorted out with our intimate life. I know you say you have the same drive that I do but it definitely doesn't show.

Let's be honest so we can find some common ground. Don't be afraid to admit you don't have the same sex drive as I do. It is okay. We are two different people and that is expected to be different. I won't be mad. If anything, it will help us become closer because I will have a better understanding."

Etc etc.

[BarryLiverstone]

This sounds unusual. Is this the first time a guy has reacted that way for you?

[Asker]

Yes it is

[BarryLiverstone]

Oh then you must be baffled., and like you said you know you are attractive as others hit on you. Any idea if he’s cheating or if there is a big stress in his life rn?

[Guy13]

Tell him you are not happy. He can’t guess that?

[Guy13]

He might be feeling some tension now.. and not understand it.. and think he’s just imaging it and he moves on. Yes, I am talking from experience. How you present it is related to individual. In my case straightforward worked and bulb 💡 came on.

I do not know in your case…

[Asker]

I'm not sure where me being unhappy was stated? I'm happy and we get along great. The lack of sex is the only issue and isn't a topic I know how to bring up without being too blunt. Straightforward is good however it's hard to just randomly start that conversation.

[Guy13]

Lack of sexual intimacy is often interpreted as unhappiness or unfulfilled. This is what your boyfriend will assume. In fact, it might be the first thing out his mouth.
You seem together and smart so I’m sure you will handle it well. What about, let’s talk…sit him down. Is sex important to you?…. it’s important to me…. Once you say that don’t apologize, don’t bring up anything else, all he is going to hear is sex-finish that one ☝️ topic. There is no way to soften this blow to pride.

[Asker]

That is a fair point and one I did not think of.

[Guy13]

Honestly, I am so not worried about you nor do I doubt your heart for him. “It’s something we walk through together…you know we’re not the only ones, right.” That’s honest so may be good.

[In_Trance]

Straight up face to face

[Asker]

Not everyone appreciates that type of approach

[In_Trance]

Sure, others like missed signals that are unclear which leads to overthinking and inaccurate assumptions

Have fun with that

[Asker]

An unhelpful comment is an unnecessary one when someone is simply asking for advice. I know my boyfriend well enough to know that a "straight up" conversation isn't the best approach. If you actually read the post I clearly state that I have been upfront with my needs so no, there are no missed signals or being unclear.

[In_Trance]

I gave you advice. You just don't like it. Even if you did like it, it's not helful unless you act on it

[Iron_Man]

Go get married