Was this rude of me?

[Anonymous]

I asked my coworker (Mia) out and during our first date, I started talking about marriage, her puppies and how I'd love to meet her family.

Long story short, at the end of the 2nd date, I told Mia that I was interested in another girl and was going to pursue her now. Mia was very upset at this and asked why I hadn't told her about the other girl before and why I misled her. She walked off and hasn't spoken to me after this, we're both 26 and it's really awkward at work.

[Anonymous]

Oh. My. God... first off, most of the time that kind of talk comes off creepy early on and scares women off, so the fact that it didn't with her meant that she REALLY liked you. You got her hopes up so high then smashed them to pieces..

[Asker]

I was speaking of marriage in general not necessarily with her. But when I started talking about meeting her family and asked if she could invite me to a family dinner, she was backing off and said she didn't quite know if she liked me that much yet. Would you still say it's bad?

[Opinion Owner]

I'd still say that you lead her on a bit. It's not like you should be strung up from your toes, but it's not exactly nice either lol

[Asker]

She was really upset, when she herself told me that she wasn't sure if she'd consider me as marriage potential yet. So why does she have to be upset? It kinda looked like she was on the verge of tearing up.

[Opinion Owner]

Oof... I think the fundamental problem here is that you dont understand what the natural progression of an intimate relationship looks like... if you're on a second date you shouldn't be considering marriage potential anyway, you barely know them. Personally, I like to live with the person for a couple years before even considering marriage. That doesn't mean she wasn't curious to find out for herself if you were a good pair... That's what dating is for

She's upset because she liked you and the messages you were giving off were one of someone who's looking for a serious commitment. By talking and acting the way you were, you were giving off BIG signs that you wanted to move fast into something serious with her

[Opinion Owner]

And just because she wasn't ready for a commitment doesn't mean she wasn't getting her hope's up

[Asker]

Ok, but I'm only in for a serious relationship. I wanted to be clear that I am looking for that and I"m not here to mess around. She seemed really indecisive because she'd kinda flirt and then when I asked to meet her family, she'd say she wasn't too sure of it yet. I know most people wouldn't immediately know when meeting someone, but I just felt that she was being reluctant.

Wouldn't you want someone who has abit more clarity than that? Her indecisiveness, saying that she felt it was all abit too much for her at this point, and then going on the verge of tears as soon as I tell her I'm interested in someone else is just weird. She can't expect me to hang in there when she's indecisive herself, isn't that selfish of her?

[Opinion Owner]

NO !!! Absolutely not. It's not selfish of her at all to expect you two get to know each other before things get serious... that's not indecision, that's called "taking things one step at a time". You shouldn't be talking about meeting anyone's parents until you're in an actual committed relationship. Just because you want one and those are your intentions doesn't mean that you can skip all the steps in between. That's why she seemed reluctant. She barely knows you... You're skipping ahead to step 20 when you should be on step 5. (Not literal steps, just an analogy) You can't just expect someone to jump into something serious that fast. My current girlfriend and I dated (with no relationship label) for 2 months before I asked her to be my girlfriend. The both of us also had gone on other dates with other people before we had started really falling for one another. What you want from her is a commitment straight out of the gate and the typical person isn't going to just give that away. That's ludicrous. You would build that over time together. Please tell me you understand

[Opinion Owner]

You can make your intentions clear that you want something serious, but you can't just expect that to happen right away

[Asker]

I get that most people do not fall in love on the first date and it is something that usually takes time to develop.

But in our culture things are alittle different, I wanted to be clear with what I was expecting and if there was no chance that it was going to work in marriage eventually, then there's no point. It's not like I asked her to marry me immediately, I told her it was something in a few years down the road. I just wanted her to think of me as a potential for marriage. She didn't even tell me if I had potential, that's the problem. That's why I call her indecisive. She said "I don't know if this can work out, but do you want to see where it goes?" Like who gives that response?

Everything was unsure for her. She was like "I'm unsure if I see you as potential to get married to, I'm unsure if I like you that far." She obviously likes me, so why can't she just say what she is thinking?

For example, she started talking about her puppies a lot, so I asked "why don't you invite me over to a dinner with your family so I can meet your puppies?" Is this wrong of me?

[Opinion Owner]

Here's the thing... you never really know if it's going to work out. You two could be together for a year, move in together, then find out that you can't stand her anymore. My parents were together for 10 years, but that didn't keep them together. I understand that things may be different for your culture, but what she's saying sounds like a typical woman to me. She's telling you exactly how she feels, but it seems you're not understing.

Let's see if I can translate this into man speech~

"I dont know if this can work out, but do you want to see where it goes?"
(I can't see the future, so I dont know if you have potential to be my husband. Would you like to get to know each other and find out?)

"I'm unsure if I see you as a potential to get married to, I'm unsure if I like you that far"
(Why would I want to marry someone I barely even know?)

The puppy thing, eh. I dont think it's wrong to want to see puppies. Maybe if you said "I love puppies! I would love to meet them some day!", but asking to be invited over to meet her family and puppies could come off a little forward... especially of she's already trying to also quell the commitment talk lol

[Asker]

Sorry if I didn't make this clear, she told me that it was extremely rare that people know see someone and know immediately that they want to marry them. But usually people try to get to know the other person for some time before deciding.

The whole puppy thing, I get it but she seemed very fond of her puppies, so I asked if she could invite me to a family dinner. How else could I meet her puppies lol?

I also told her I was moving to a different state in a few months, and I later told her "it would be great if you could move somewhere close, we can meet up often that way. Don't you think it'll be fun?"

To which she started going "what? dude what are you on about?". She told me she wasn't sure of moving, and that the answer was most likely no but said she'd keep it in the back of her mind. Do you think it was wrong to say that to her? And suggest for her to move somewhere close so we could meet up? I just wanted to let her know everything.

[Opinion Owner]

I honestly can't tell if you're joking at this point lol

[Asker]

Why? I'm seriously not getting it. I legit said this, again it's not immediately, I said I'm only moving in a few months.

I wanted her to consider the move, coz or else there is no chance for this to work for in a serious relationship.
I'm not someone who is willing to lead someone on and then tell them later, I wanted her to know of it so she knows what to do about it. It's not like I was pressuring her, I just suggested it'll be cool if she could consider moving closer so we could meet up.

Does she seem like a normal person to you? Or does she seem abit off?

Spending too much time trying to "figure if things will work" will mean that you miss out on getting to know other potentials. I didn't want this girl holding me up from meeting others. Does that make sense?

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly, I think it's you who's a bit off, buddy (x

Seems like you should wait to meet someone in the area that you're moving to

[Asker]

Maybe we're just from different cultures, so people aren't understanding my perspective. I'm not judging you for your take on things, so I don't think you should judge me either.

She told me it is extremely rare for people to immediately know they want to marry someone the second they see them. She said it was possible but extremely rare. She also said it usually takes time and that she needs to take a few months to know if she wants to go serious with this.

It really sounded like she wanted to date casually and then find out if there is potential. This is not my cup of tea.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes. It is exactly that. Not so much "and then find" she wanted to date casually as a process of finding that potential

I'm curious, how does this normally work in your culture?

[Asker]

Hi, thanks for asking. So we usually practise something called an arranged marriage in our culture. So the respective families arrange a potential partner, then if both the man and the woman agree, they proceed with the alliance. So the conversation between the man and woman is generally with marriage in mind, there's generally no concept of casual dating. I don't think people would understand casual dating either. Premarital sex is really frowned upon for both men and women. Tbh I know that for some people even having an ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend would be frowned upon, and in some orthodox families, even taking interest in someone without the respective families arranging it first would be frowned upon- to them, they kind of treat it as if if one is raised 'right', then their romantic/sexual feelings are non-existent until a potential partner is introduced by their families to be considered as a marriage prospect. I know people like that personally. I would really like to know your thoughts on this.

Back in the day the two individuals were only asked consent based on the exchange of photos. It then evolved to exchanging videos, to now usually having them meet/date for as long as they'd like before they decide on marriage.

Tbh if everything is consensual between the two individuals, then I have no problem with it. So it really doesn't matter at what point they reach the decision to get married, if it is consensual then it is all good.

Hope it makes sense :)

[Opinion Owner]

Wow. I get what you're saying. Personally, I'm a pretty complicated person. I dont get along with many people. I dont think I'd be capable of figuring something like that out so quickly

[spartan55]

Dude, you have no clue how to date.