Is this considered tough love or a jerk?

[Anonymous]

I started something with a guy.. I said something really mean to him

i asked him why he even responds to me.

he said bc he feels bad for me and proceeded to say that he thinks I’m angry, lonely and insecure.

he then said that the reason he didn’t sleep with me is so I wouldn’t catch feelings and be hurt if a relationship didn’t come from it

is a jerk?

[BullShark]

To be very honest, you kind of walked into this yourself. You asked him why he's talking to you. He told you why he's talking to you. No bullsh*t. He seems like a pretty straightforward person to me and you should be thanking him he isn't playing with your feelings and being upfront about it.

[Asker]

But who talks to someone bc they feel bad but ok

[BullShark]

For many reasons, really. They either catch you wanting to talk to them, or they feel like you're lonely and you need someone to talk to. Would you rather he didn't talk to you at all?

[Asker]

He doesn’t so.. o well

He said I’m cool and he “cares about me even if I don’t see it” but o well

[BullShark]

So what's the problem here lmao? He says he cares about you even though you asked him a pretty stupid question that was waiting to blow up in your face. I'm not sure I see your angle here? What's the problem?

[Asker]

I never asked him !! Lol

He’s a firefighter so I got upset and told him that I was glad his job is dangerous bc it raises the likelihood of something happening to him

He said he wouldn’t hold that against me bc I don’t know his life or what he’s going through

I told him I was enough

He said I can believe whatever I choose to conjure up

I asked him why he even responds to me

He said he feels bad and thinks I’m lonely angry and insecure

[BullShark]

What did you mean by when you said "you were enough"? Were you implying he leave his job and just come live with you? If that's the case then no wonder the guy's pissed.

Sure his job may sound dangerous and it most likely is, but being a firefighter is a really honorable job as well, and he probably loves being one if he is one. Think about some other guy who you may know and he tells you to leave what you love doing and be with him and that "he's enough". I'm sure you'd be just as upset, if not more, thinking to yourself "who tf does he think he is to be dictating my life?"

As for that last bit, well, ask yourself. Do YOU feel like you're loney, angry and insecure?

[Asker]

We stopped talking a week ago. I have some issues to work on and he didn’t want to sleep with me bc he felt I was vulnerable.. but he says he cares

I had said something rude and he ended up telling me the truth about myself. He said he thinks I’m lonely angry and insecure.. and I am. Im not ready for a relationship

But we had initially agreed on friends with benefits but I ended up wanting a relationship and he doesn’t so he said he didn’t want to hurt me in case it didn’t happen
He felt I was too vulnerable and didn’t want to sleep with me

[BullShark]

Then that's his decision to make should he choose not to be intimate with you. He probably knew from the beginning that you'd end up falling for him and wanting a relationship out of it, and as he said he doesn't want one, he's decided he doesn't want to sleep with you either because it may invoke those feelings.

My final piece of advice to you would be to respect his decisions, forget about him for now and try to move on and work on yourself. Hang out with friends, pick up a new hobby, get a job, maybe learn a new skill and just try bettering yourself as a person, so that you not only feel less angry and insecure about yourself, but instead feel proud of your accomplishments so that later on in life when someone else shows up, you're ready and more stronger than ever.

And I know it's easier said that done, but from a guy who was cheated on after a five year long relationship, it's been three years since I've been single now, and there's really nothing like it. I feel ten times better than how I was before and I feel like I have matured and grown as a person, both mentally and physically, so now that I'm open for a relationship, if and when the chance does arrive, I'll be able to face it

[Asker]

Yeah I agree totally. Thank you for that advice

I just really like him a lot.

[Summeroflove]

You’re the one who said something mean to him…… Lol. You’re the jerk and probably attract other jerks.

[spartan55]

No, he is not. Stop already.

[Asker]

Was it tough love?

[spartan55]

Why does it matter?

[Asker]

I’m seriously curious to know why that was necessary to say esp. when he has no intention of staying

It was to hurt me. It wasn’t “concern” like he says

[spartan55]

What was necessary to say?

[Asker]

That I’m angry lonely and insecure

[spartan55]

Is he wrong?

[Asker]

No he’s not

[spartan55]

Okay, so what's the issue then?

[Asker]

I’m asking if that was said out of concern, tough love or him being mean

[spartan55]

I think it was just a statement of fact.

[Asker]

Not out of love?

[spartan55]

You can't be in love with someone you've never met.

[Asker]

Not in love but love

[Asker]

They are different

[spartan55]

Explain how

[Asker]

Everyone knows the difference

[spartan55]

Why don't you explain it to me?

[Asker]

Love is care
In love is romantic

[spartan55]

Platonic love, like sibling love. Okay, so what is your point?

[Guy13]

Nice guy to me 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Asker]

Even to call me angry lonely and insecure

[Guy13]

Yes. Most people would slept with you snd then used other expletives to complement insecure etc.