Is there really such thing as tough love or is it just an excuse to be callous?

[Anonymous]

Or its an excuse to be callous

[Anonymous]

Here is when it’s tough love:

• It’s said privately and never in front of other people.
• It’s delivered after careful consideration.
• It’s hard for the person to deliver it. They get absolutely no enjoyment out of it.
• The person delivering the tough luck tries their best to emphasize with the other person.
• The person delivering recommends meaningful actions to improve the bad behavior. Just telling someone they are doing wrong with no way to improve is no different than an insult.

If the above criteria aren’t meant it’s not tough love. At best it’s being inconsiderate and callous. At worst it’s just an excuse to bully people.

I had to give someone tough love about 2 months ago. It was a lady who was a lifelong compulsive gambler and she was trying manipulate me into giving her handouts.

She asked me to put her up in a motel (which I already did 5 times in the past). However this time I have come to recovery from gambling myself and I was more street wise about what’s going through her mind. She had a job and money is fungible. She thought she could rely on me (and other) as safety net when she ran out of money from gambling.

So this time I wrote her a very carefully written message saying that until she joins a 12 step program then I refuse to enable her. I told her addiction has made her into a liar and manipulator while saying the real her was likely an honest person. However addictions will bring out the worst in people.

After that I had to block her number (I told her why). She likely had to sleep in her car that night (she’s my moms age too) but if she didn’t quit gambling by joining a GA program things would go bad to worse for her. I told her that as well. I closed with saying “I love you Tracy but you have to get help or this will eventually take your life. Only YOU can make that decision to get that help.”

So all the above hit the criteria of “tough love”. It was a private conversation. I carefully contemplated what I was going to say. I told her the hard truth while recommending meaningful action (I. e. joining gamblers anonymous). I took absolutely zero enjoyment telling her all that. Also being a recovering compulsive gambler myself I know exactly how she feels so I could emphasize with her.

Tough love is still love. That’s the difference.

[Asker]

wow was that a family member or a friend? what made gambling so appealing to you? after all u certainly lost huge amounts of money

[Opinion Owner]

It’s a long story. Painfully lesson. But what’s most important is I owned up to it, got help and quit.

[Opinion Owner]

The lady I do this to is an acquaintance. She’s been manipulating and mooching off people for years to feed her habit.

Most people would label her a pos but I don’t think she is one. I know how addictions can warp people’s minds to do things they would never do otherwise. Most compulsive gamblers are otherwise decent people when they aren’t “in action”.

But I won’t enable her either. And she just doesn’t want to quit and unfortunately needs a rock bottom. I had to hit a rock bottom to finally quit and I did. It was pure agony but it taught me a hard lesson I needed.

It would be a different story if she got clean and needed assistance while she was legitimately trying to get her act together. There is a difference between a hand up vs. a hand out.

[ManOnFire]

It definitely can be that way sometimes, particularly if you're confiding in someone for help. Sometimes asking for advice opens a door for a person to be cold and callous towards you and your situation, especially if they already have somewhat of a negative disposition towards you. They will try to tell you their point of view but disguised as "tough love."

Sometimes telling someone the truth really can be tough and seem callous, but more often than not it doesn't have to be put across so brutally.

[nastyb]

if you think tough love is just an excuse to be callous, i can tell you've always had it easy in life.

[thatshydork]

There’s a fine line between tough love and being mean or callous.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

Tough love is really just not taking the path of least resistance as a parent, being willing to force your child to do the right thing even if it's a hard thing for them to do, and a hard thing for you to make them do it. It was the norm in the past, and it's WAY to uncommon today, especially among mothers.

Sorry, but yes... especially among mothers. Women really, really strugle with this, and it's why a child needs both a mother and a father. The lack of that condition is the biggest problem behind why children are so weak, screwed up and out of control today, and why society is so fucked up.

[handsomelad70]

Society is f***ed up because being dull-normal rather than brainy is considered the norm for kids today.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

I think sometimes people use it as an excuse to be callous but there is genuine tough love. Sometimes if we truly love someone, we have to tell them harsh things they might not want to hear.

[GuyAnswersGirls123]

Ideally we adapt the tone we use based on the individual's temperament. Some people respond better to tougher treatment, some softer. I actually tend to respond better to tougher coaches that demand discipline and point out my weaknesses to me directly. It makes me feel more proud to earn their respect.

[SotiCoto]

Tough love is just when the fake smiles are removed. Some folks are more sharp-edged than they pretend to be, and if they let it show, it generally means they're comfortable enough to be honest.

[BoopBoopBeep]

It doesn't seem kind to coddle people so they become unable to deal with the inevitable conflict that life brings.

[bobby_bush_eater]

It absolutely exists. Sometimes you can't get through to someone unless you are harsh to make them really understand something

[Squatting_Slav]

Yeah I believe there is, mostly the intent is to help improve someone indirectly

[Anonymous]

I think it depends how it's relayed. There is such a thing as tact. Unfortunately bluntness is the ONLY thing some people understand.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Nah it actually exists

[laly520]

it does exist but they make it worse with drama

[Danny_dan92]

I think so yeah.

[lildkman1010]

I think there is

[DreamLife7]

He doesn't like u

[noohair]

Enabling is worse.