Why does guy friend act all toward me then say don't like me?

[Thinkpad1]

Hi a guy I work with who has a girlfriend, and me a boyfriend, I have grown close too.

We speak every day on teams at work, and he likes me to go gym and spa with him alone.

In the gym he randomly got naked and said moment of weakness but is attracted to me. He likes to flirt tease a lot with me, also nice and tells me everything , as he a closed book, really opened up. But why now has he said no feelings for you, I am getting too much, but not changed and still stares at me, rings me wants to talk constant. I did go to loan him lot money too. i feel hurt as a friend?

Updates

1 y

Sorry to add on a couple years back we did do stuff I feel very bad about it, and his girlfriend saw messages, so he had to stop contact from me, but still insists meet at gym and spa, why is so bothered, and money it's 45k as a loan. I was wary doing but I offered him he not put pressure or anything, starting own business up. But it's Bern a hassle to do and I feel he not always grateful, I don't get him does he like me more than friends to act like this, constant messaging too,

[Socialbee28]

For one, both of you are sexually attracted to each other. You know it and he knows it. The tease, the game, the chase. He loves it & I sense you're enjoying him too. Undressing himself in the gym... what did you do when he was like that?

Now, as you don't seem to have developed an emotional connection, this is why he stays with his girlfriend. It's easier for a guy to let go of you as there isn't much "loss"... i. e. emotionally.

I can think of similar examples. Sometimes, a relationship can develop but usually not with the one having the affair. A guy can fool around with many, decide who he wants to be in relationship with & who he wants to marry at some point, if ever. Men however won't play around & make their intentions known early as they know what they want. You can ask this guy what he wants & I bet something a long the lines of "just going with the flow... having fun" will come from his lips.

What do you want with your boyfriend & what is missing in your relationship?

[Thinkpad1]

Hi thanks for reply. It's weird as we talk about anything, he never use too, he opens up to me on loads, but he does always say what he done on weekends, what he brought his girlfriend for birthday, where they went, and asks do I like ideas. The gym situation took me by surprise I laughed, but said no can't. Maybe why he said mistake, why would a guy friend do this? Then say now feelings for girl he knows I hate, but barely speaks with her.
I love my boyfriend very much, but feel at times that he does not make effort, I guess with stuff.

[Thinkpad1]

Sorry do you think he does like ne or using me for money and also why take risk again behind gfs back, seeing me in private at the gym.

[Socialbee28]

I don't quite understand why you gave him $45 K. One golden rule in life is to not loan money to friends and esp a guy who you may be interested in. He could ask several other people besides you - to me, he has no shame & knows he can get away with it.
Have you and this guy ever kissed or had sex?
Also, have you ever been on a public date?
If no to the above or yes to the 1st question & no to the 2nd, this guy is holding onto you as he can & it's an ego boost. He'd say he loves his girlfriend or someone else. He seems to have never told you he likes you or wants you.

[Socialbee28]

As for you & your relationship, why stay with him if you don't respect him? You would respect him and not complain about his behaviour or fool around with this guy at work, if you truly loved him.

[Socialbee28]

I gather that he will nit give you back the $45K and thinking of sexual ways for you to forget about it.

[Thinkpad1]

I haven't gave him 45k yet, was going too lend as a loan but not now, but we been friends ages, he even said dont care bout money, and not had sex nearly did few years back and kissed. I just want to understand what going on in his head as good friends

[Thinkpad1]

I love my other half so much but feel drawn to this guy and see him 3 times a week in office so it's difficult to avoid

[Socialbee28]

It's sexual attraction & he's using what he can to get the $45K. As you said, sometimes he seems ungrateful. That's his true colours. You may have kissed a few years ago, but he didn't choose to make you his girlfriend. Take the hint. A genuine friend would be consistent & a guy interested in you, would 1. Leave you & your relationship respectfully 2. Not be seeking $45K from you 3. Have made you his girlfriend. 4. Not fool around while in another relationship.

[Socialbee28]

This guy is getting an ego boost from this. Be careful

[Socialbee28]

You also need to sort this out with your boyfriend. You are using him & no matter how many times you say you love him but drawn to this other guy, the more I know you are using YOUR boyfriend & keeping him around until this other guy "hopefully" tells you he wants you. You're into this other guy and keeping your boyfriend around as a back up. Be honest.

[Thinkpad1]

What u mean ego boost?

[Thinkpad1]

So he fancies me? You are so right it just hurts to think this as good friends.

[Socialbee28]

Ego boost means for selfish gain, to build up his own self esteem at the expense of another. It has nothing to do with making you feel better, but rather all about him.
Fancy has many shades. You want me to say he fancies you, but quite frankly, his motives are not pure. He kissed you a few years ago therefore, he felt there were attractive qualities/was an attractive quality about you to him. We however can see that although the attractive qualities are noticed, it does not mean he finds you desirable for relationship. That is a BIG clue. Also, if he was serious about you, he'd at least leave this current girlfriend and build a relationship with you. Right now, he's crossing the line for sexual favours because you are letting him. You are in fact dropping your boundaries. He doesn't care about your relationship or about you. If he did he'd show respect now.

He has you around his finger as he knows he can get an ego boost (compliment to him alone) from getting you turned on & teasing. It's powerful to get a woman with more money than he has, desiring him. He wouldn't be able to live up to your standards (financially) but sex is his next best bet.

[Socialbee28]

Men who wonder what you earn, or at least see that you look wealthy, can feel insecure as they're earning less. Men see finances en par with women and beauty. There will be the anomalies, but generally, we as women value beauty highly as that means we're attractive to a man who can take care of us & our children/provide for us.
If a man can't live up to you financially, they'll either fight internally about it, aim to be there and higher, or accept it. Those who struggle with it, can resort to winning you over sexually, it boosts their esteem. As sex is a lot more than sex to men - those who are constantly seeking sex with various women despite being in relationship, are attempting to fill in an emptiness and possibly another insecurity. Too much of anything is too much. Aim for balance in all things, it will keep you well in life.

[Socialbee28]

When a woman has sex/does not refrain from sex from a man in a healthy situation, it is a compliment to him. It shows him that he is worthy of your love & respect. Seeking sex from another man, shows that you disrespect (your boyfriend) & don't esteem him highly. Men tend towards being loyal. That's why you won't see them being the first to divorce in many cases or leaving relationships.

[Thinkpad1]

That makes sense as always talks about himself, he does ask about me but more his stuff and saying how big he us all the time to me, sexual remarks a lot, I can see now more clearly, as a friend he says what he wants me to hear, then if I do or say something that he dont like, he gets funny. Regarding my partner, we had few ussues with ivf etc so I guess turned to friend for support, he goes I'll give u specimen. As I said my partner struggling, I feel bad what I done to my partner and know I need to think more bout him, he is a good man. This other guy knows he good looking, but y he wants fir me to gym so much I find strange.

[Socialbee28]

He brings you to the gym as you go, Thinkpad.

[Socialbee28]

Yes, he will talk about himself as it's about him. You fair very little in this.

[Thinkpad1]

No I go but he always asking u gonna be there same day he is

[Thinkpad1]

So in reality I mean little as a friend, just easy for sex with money, and nice to look at

[Socialbee28]

You can avoid that day and time. Up to you & your relationship.

[Socialbee28]

If you told him off, he'd move on and shut you off. You are a "friends with benefit" friend. He probably has other girls he flirts with too. If he'll do this with one woman, he'd do it with others.

[Thinkpad1]

Thanks for being so honest with me, I feel even worse to my partner now too, this friend asvi thought he was, is basically a user, yes probably finds me a laugh nice person and finds me attractive, why he wants sex, but that's it. Plus my money. My partner does not deserve to be other guy, yes we had issues and I need to concentrate on these now. Only thing the other guy sits behind me on office, I'll just ignore

[Socialbee28]

You have to not ignore guy at work, but have a serious talk. I'd suggest you speak to your partner first re what has been happening. Let him decide if he wants to remain involved. Out of respect. Re guy at work, if your partner is willing to remain & forgive, I'd suggest you meet this guy with your partner and tell him straight to back off.

[Socialbee28]

If you do it alone, you won't have sufficient reinforcement and strength saying it as I can see, each time you write, you quote the things you want to believe he thinks about you " laugh, nice person, finds you attractive." You have to let go if you're serious. Whether this other guy finds you attractive or not, it shouldn't matter if your partner was important to you. Have a rethink about your relationship.

[easyBrezzybaby96]

sounds to me like he is just using you. and 45000? jesus christ can i ask what he needed the money for? and has he tried to pay it back? and have you ever flirted with him or took your clothes off in front of him? and how does you boyfriend feel about all this

[Thinkpad1]

I never loaned him just thinking, but he said rather not now, as I said are you using me, no I haven't took my clothes off, just when we go spa bikini etc. My partner knows we go gym togeather and is fine about it. I just trying to understand as a friend his behaviour

[spartan55]

@Thinkpad1
Your partner knows you go to the gym with him. Bet you left out the 'seeing him naked' incident, you are seriously gross and your boyfriend deserves better. Why do you need to 'understand' this guy so bad? Why is he SO important to you? Sounds he gives you nothing. He is using you, and it seems to be obvious to everyone but you.

[Guy13]

This is complicated and not all mentioned points are clear…especially money 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Thinkpad1]

Sorry to add on a couple years back we did do stuff I feel very bad about it, and his girlfriend saw messages, so he had to stop contact from me, but still insists meet at gym and spa, why is so bothered, and money it's 45k as a loan. I was wary doing but I offered him he not put pressure or anything, starting own business up. But it's Bern a hassle to do and I feel he not always grateful, I don't get him does he like me more than friends to act like this, constant messaging too,

[spartan55]

Your boyfriend will be glad to help you through this. Just no shame at all...

[Socialbee28]

😂hehe, you're funny.

[spartan55]

I'm sure OP would think it was funny if her boyfriend were pulling this shit.

[Socialbee28]

Lol... they're learning the hard way:)

[spartan55]

Indeed

[spartan55]

@Thinkpad1
So you wouldn't care if your boyfriend took out a startup loan to some female 'friend' he liked? Wow, you are something.

[Thinkpad1]

If course I would why I haven't lent it as I thought about it and can't do it.

[Socialbee28]

Good

[spartan55]

Smart choice.

[Jack0ff779]

You loaned him money god you're dumb you ain't ever seeing that money back

[In_Trance]

Talk to your boyfriend about it