Is it overstepping or cheating?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend works with a girl who usually talk about work etc and I've never in the few years together thought he would cheat. He's fantastic and a living boyfriend who does so much for me.

Recently I had a feeling something was strange. I ended up beside him noticed a "wink" face on a message and I looked while he went away. His coworker asked if he had been checking out her while walking up the stairs and he replied.

No right answer to that.

She kept asking subtle hints to answer and eventually he answered saying he may have looked once or twice 😉

She then mentioned she would keep an eye on him and the conversation went back to normal day work related things.

When I mentioned to him about wanting to look at his phone I noticed the messages were deleted. I asked him why and what was said. I gave four chances to tell me the truth and he never did.

He's been acting his normal self being loving and caring and actually even more. He was upset the other day and kept hugging me.

I don't know whether I should leave it alone or am I over reacting in some way!

I genuinely don't believe he would physically cheat but should I be worried?

Updates

1 y

Should I tell him I looked at his phone and I know he's lying?

Updates

1 y

Found him looking at her insta at 5 in the morning.

[lightbulb27]

Here's a tip... don't trust women! It isn't him necessarily, these women will play games, they learned them young and they love to play them and will be glad to pull him away, trash your relationship, and "win the big prize". Anyone can slip up in an instant, even if not intentional.

Screwing around with her on the phone anything outside of work is wrong. This is a boyfriend, not husband to boot. It's too much banter for work, he needs to back away from her, she's too friendly... end of story.

There's lots of social constructs to protect marriages, that seemingly look terrible to us westerners... covering women head to toe (Muslim), hiding women (Jewish), cutting of hair (Chinese), rings... it's all to be clear about whose available and who is not. These days, we have it worse than ever with women all over the workplace... the last 50 years or so, dressed as they are... and always new eye candy. It's just really bad.

You can't fault a guy for looking, that's normal. But the other part has to go and he needs to protect your feelings and respect his own limited strength to deal with these other women... all of whom... are "B$tches".

[lightbulb27]

remember guys evolved from knuckle dragging cavemen, and so did women. Kindly, consideratly put a stop to it. maybe it's your first relationship challenge.

[Asker]

It seems to be

[lightbulb27]

p. s. people will lie, or withhld the truth and that feels awful and isn't so unlike an earthquake to a building. When you understand the person and their malfunction better, it creates some control. He's being pulled in by someone else. Guys don't see these things so clearly, women manipulate, coerce. They will do it right under your nose too.
Now if he's saying to this girl that he doesn't have a girlfriend, that's another matter, but I don't sense that. I just assume he's gotten too chummy and baited by her feminine manipulation. A cake in front of a child! Some women feel better stealing another woman's guy than finding a single one, the nature of corruption.
So she needs cut off and emotionally pushed back. He needs to learn, but may be hard. Being nice to you is irrelevant, cutting out the risk is.
Might take a counselor or guys with experience to talk to him to get him to see it.

We corrupted our environment by having men and women work so closely in high volumes. This is reality and has to be managed... since humans have not evolved at all in 20,000 years.

You approach to it has to be good else it's a fight.
Good luck!
Take it from a married guy, B%iches... are trouble, but can be dealt with!
And to boot... it's Valentines:) Great timing...

[DaveJord]

No I do not think you are overreacting; you probably cannot trust him. Honestly it seems as though this workplace friend of his, is compromised your sense of trust and endangering your intimate bound with your boyfriend.

He may not of cheated on you sexually, but he endangered your emotional bond and relationship. If he is taking steps to hide his interaction with workplace freinds from yo is violating your sense of trust.

[Asker]

Exactly! I found his history he looked at her old insta photos at 5am in the morning. I don't know what to do. I am talking to him later

[ettajeezy]

This would make me extremely worried. There is definitely some sexual tension between them if not worse. The fact that he deleted the texts suggests it is worse. I would definitely call this an emotional affair. You need to address this right away and reprimand him harshly for this if you even stay together, also insist on going onto his icloud to look at what he deleted if he wants to stay together. There is no reason he should be acting like this and honestly, I would not be able to trust him after this at all. Let this go and the next text messages you find will be about a lot more going on than looks exchanged... be prepared to lose him

[Asker]

Yeah we are going to have a tough conversation today. Found out he had looked at loads of her old photos on Instagram recently at 5am in the morning

[melanieeeB]

I assume that he constantly flirts with her at work tho but maybe not cheating in like having sex... but I'm not sure... I don't think that you're overreacting and I would probably already made a big scene lol

[melanieeeB]

And him deleting the messages is really suspicious! If he isn't cheating, then he would have nothing to hide... so why is he deleting the messages? What else do they do?

[Asker]

Not sure, they never hang out. We live together and they haven't hung out from we met. Except for a staff do once a year.
I believe he deleted because he had a feeling I would look after I said that I want your phone

[melanieeeB]

Well I would say have a conversation about it and ask him?

[Asker]

Yes I definitely did try. Things have went back to normal. I wish he would be honest and tell me why he felt like he needed to flirt and lie to me. I get people want to flirt sometimes as an ego boost but it's outright disrespect

[melanieeeB]

I hope it will stay good and he might have really just gotten an ego boost out of this with no intention for more 🙏🏼

[Asker]

I pray that'swhat it was! He's never made me question anything before

[melanieeeB]

That's actually good!🙏🏼

[ettajeezy]

the fact that he won't come clean and tell you whats going on is making this way way worse

[Asker]

@ettajeezy 100%. He also looked at her old insta photos at 5 in the morning. I don't know how to bring it up today! I'm heartbroken to hear his response

[Makeushiver]

It sounds like she may be interested a lot more than he is. I can tell you from experience that if she is attractive and persistent, he would need to be saint or eunuch to not give in. I When I was in uni, a had a very beautiful girl who I think was notching her bedpost. She dropped -plenty of hints and eventually undressed and hopped into bed even though I had my back turned to her she reached between my thighs - I sleep nude and grabbed my cock. The body does not understand monogamy and we had sex all night

[Bklynbadboy12]

He's not cheating but he's definitely flirting with her cause how did she get his number and secondly there way to comfortable talkin to each other and lastly she asked him if he was checking her out cause she was checking him out. She wants him and he's attracted to her

[Asker]

He has all his co-workers numbers. Thank you for your response. She's married with kids. I would feel bad for her husband if that's the case too.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Listen none of that matter I know this is hard for you and my heart goes out to. Just keep your eyes open

[Asker]

Thank you! I don't know where to go from here but I will have another conversation & hopefully I can get him to open up about it. Doubtful he he would tell me now after two weeks

[Bklynbadboy12]

You're doing the right thing I think communication is key open up the lines of communication and maybe he'll be honest and open with you about the situation keep me posted on what happens with you two I'd really like to know

[Asker]

He said he looked at her photos to see if he fancied her to understand why he flirted and he told me finally that he did that. He's begging me to stay but I don't know. I guess I'm just upset at the minute

[Bklynbadboy12]

Take your time don't my any knee jerk decisions

[Guy13]

Guys have to balance attention too. We also like it although it is stressful coming from the workplace. Do not let your gut accuse someone of lying or mistrust and him feel it. That's the equivalent of sending him running into her arms. You ought to be able to frankly and GENTLY communicate.

[Asker]

I did try to communicate but he wouldn't admit to flirting.

[Asker]

What if I communicate it and he doesn't tell me the truth?

[MoodyJazz]

If my boyfriend did that I would make to clear that I don’t condone that kind of flirty behaviour. Tell him that you’ve seen their conversation and take a little distance from him. If he leaves you for her then what was what she was gonna do anyways. Hopefully he doesn’t do that again.

[MoodyJazz]

Make it clear*

[Asker]

Thank you! So helpful!

[Asker]

That's very true! I have made clear today

[MoodyJazz]

Aww Imm glad I could help sis :)

[JustinTheGreat]

Yeah deleting the messages is a bad sign. He’s definitely up to something sis.
And the fact there was one day where he was randomly hugging you and seemed upset was probably cause he was feeling guilty about something

[Asker]

Yes exactly what I thought

[JustinTheGreat]

Looking at her Instagram? He’s into her 😭

[Asker]

He said he wanted to know if he fancied her to understand why he would flirt with someone else and he said he doesn't at all. He said sorry and begged me to stay but I don't know where to go from here

[villainfantasy]

Should you be worried 😫 ?

Well. You are worried. Aren't you.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him how much it effects it. Tell him that you love him and you don't want this in your relationship.

[Asker]

I have had a conversation yesterday regarding how I felt about it. He tried to reassure me that there is no one else he's interested in and he plans on marrying me.
Nice as it sounds, It does take away that he won't tell me the truth.
However we are going to talk today and see if we can get past it.
I hope so he's a good person to anyone ge knows.

[villainfantasy]

Tell him the truth.

[Asker]

I did

[John_Doesnt]

Jealous much? Your relationship won't last long if you can't handle something that simple. Your "nice guy" might move on to someone who gives him more freedom.

[Asker]

Jealous? No. Felt disrespected that he lied yes.

[virtual_girl]

If you make sure his stomach is full and his balls are emptied before he leaves the house each day he will not cheat on you.

[LiamJHayden]

If the trust is gone I move on. You have to decide what you want to do.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

If you have the gut feeling he is cheating, he probably is.

[Asker]

My gut tells me he's flirting but not cheating physically. It's hard to know I guess

[boggboss]

I would be willing to bet he flirts with her a lot

[Asker]

I've never seen any messages of flirting just the one time. So I'm not sure

[boggboss]

Lol he has other messages deleted and u think thags for nothing

[Asker]

No just that message the once. He's never deleted any message from her. As normally they talk about work or her kids

[Asker]

This one time after I had asked to look at his phone he had deleted it way before I asked to see it

[Iron_Man]

I don’t know if you can trust him

[Asker]

I don't know either

[In_Trance]

Either way, move on

[Anonymous]

Confront him

[Asker]

I did. He still didn't tell me what I already know. If he can lie about something like that then he could lie about anything

[Opinion Owner]

Yes. If he isn’t willing and open to making it right and building the trust back, then it’s not worth it. You’ve done all you can do.

[Asker]

Yes. Just blown into full argument now and I'm sitting wondering what to do. He says he doesn't like her

[Opinion Owner]

Asking him if he likes her is not the moral. It’s about that he was beginning that way behind your back, in a way he should be giving himself to you instead. Does he want to rebuild the trust? Or does he sit with his behaviour in a knot and that’s his new personality moving forward.

[Asker]

He just denies everything. Denies liking her or anything