What should you do if a guy has you as a backup option?

[Anonymous]

This guy has me as his backup option. I know this because he used to talk to me everyday and suddenly stopped. He does not want to lose me, but will not commit

[MrOracle]

I'd guess that you've known for a long time that he didn't want to commit, right? But you thought you would get him to change his mind. The lesson here is: you CANNOT change a man's mind, and if you think you can, you'll only waste a lot of time and energy trying, only to fail.

If you want a committed relationship with a man, you must START by choosing a man who ALREADY wants a committed relationship with a woman. Whether YOU are that woman might take a bit of time for him to figure out, but it shouldn't take too long; if he's not sure after 6 months or so, the answer is probably "no." But if you choose a man who doesn't already want a committed relationship (which describes the vast majority of the most attractive men, by the way), then you LOSE from Day 1, because you will NOT change his mind. And that means you are just wasting your time staying with him, as your youth (which is your most valuable resource to a man) is ticking away.

You can live your life any way you choose, but your decisions are going to have consequences that YOU will have to live with. Poor choices can be very costly, and there's no "reset button" in life. If you make short-term decisions, that almost always comes at the expense of long-term happiness, and vice versa. A guy who is going to be the best man to be with over your remaining decades is almost never going to be the guy that is the hottest guy or the most exciting guy in the beginning.

You also have the issue of your biological clock. Women's value to men as a relationship partner are highly dependent on her youth - you may not like hearing that, but it's the truth - youth is tied to many things men desire in women, such as fertility, cooperation, and inexperience (men want to share new experiences with their woman, which they can't do if she's already done everything before she met him). This means that the quality of the best men that are available to you for a committed relationship is the highest when you are young, and decreases considerably as you get older - as does the raw number of men, but that's less of a concern. This doesn't mean that you won't be able to get a committed relationship when you are older, it simply means that it won't be with a guy on the level of the guys you could attract when you were younger.

These are the things that should be forward in your mind when you consider your relationships. If you make choices that make you the happiest in the short-term, you are almost always going to be making big sacrifices in the long-term, and just the same, to get the best long-term results, you usually have to give up some things in the short term. No one really gets to "have it all."

[Heolurt]

Honestly you are probably seeing something that isn't there, maybe he just wants you as a friend, what you described says fuck all about him putting you as a second option, what it could mean is you're a friend and he found a girlfriend in someone else but he just wants to keep you as a friend.

[Holly1987]

Trust me I been there and it's not right it destroyed you I am not even the same person because of it and trying understand what's wrong with u when you just find it's the other person problems because he can't be true to you or himself move on be with someone is about a great relationship with love and understanding please do that and be happy I waste 8 and half years because I thought he loved me and I was trying to be understanding and not push it and being with someone this long 8 years and they still don't know it's not right he has hurt me so badly with my feelings and myself a waste I can't get back all he wants to play games I am not a kid anymore so f the game crap I hope this helps I wish u luck and love and happiness xoxo

[DizzyDesii]

We all have our backups so i can't even hate 🤷‍♀️ But if we’re official then there should not intentionally be backups. Of course there's always that person who liked you and is waiting for you to become single again tho.

[DizzyDesii]

Im not seeing any proof above that he has you as a backup. you're in your head. But if you know that he has commitment issues in general then liking him is likely a waste of time

[magiusX26]

eliminate yourself as being an option. plain and simple. make that (part of) the chouce for him (or her) by removing yourself from that pool of possibilities. make it clear that you are walking away from them for that (and any other applicable) reason/s. then move on with life. and keep in mind to never have anyone as an option like that either as gender dont matter, having a person as an option is an ugly look on anybody and quite a toxic trait to have.

[DermalPunch]

"having a person as an option is an ugly look on anybody and quite a toxic trait to have."

Hear ye Hear ye

[DermalPunch]

Why are you asking this question? Dump. Block if needed to cut the attatchment. He will chase and try to make you think he needs younso bad but really henis jist selfish and immaturem You will waste so much time entertaining his nonsense.

[DermalPunch]

Also, when his primary ditches him you won't become primary. You will become placeholder and he will be on the lookout for his next primary. In short he doesn't want you like you want him. Find someone who does.

[Adam1978]

Find another guy. Because there is no leverage for you, unless he loses his priority 🎯 and he has to go for the backup. And you can't be involved in that process that leads to that. You will only lose too.

[mattclark242]

fine another guy and keep this guy as a back up option. also ask his if your his back up up. then tell him he your back up and see how he feels.

I don't know JK it be best to move on and not wait for someone who keep you waiting.

[jshm2]

If you are happy to be his side pussy, then what's the issue? If not, why the fuck are you not in there fighting your corner?

[Asker]

How do I fight my corner? lol

[LovingJo]

"Choose me, or lose me"!! 💯❤️

"Never make someone a priority, when they only make you an option"!! 💯❤️

[FreyaRed]

Make him to your backup option and let him know.
Honestly, if someone lets you know you're the backup you aren't even that.

[loveslongnails]

If you have any self-respect, self-esteem or common sense, you dump him in a nanosecond. Knowing that he's the type who would keep any girl as a backup should be enough to make you not even want to be his priority.

[bones_20]

Move on, obviously. Never allow yourself to be someone’s second option.

[melanieeeB]

Not be an option at all lol Why allow someone to treat you that way? Just leave and end it.

[EmmaMary]

No guy would ever have me as his "backup option"... Period.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Have you ever seen the show You?

If you have, you know what to do 😐

[Nikki1989]

You shouldn't be a back-up option for any man.

[TacosRAwesome]

Either accept you'll always be second best or remove yourself from the situation.

[Ben487]

I think that means you need to find someone else.

[Jamie05rhs]

You need to get aggressive and go WIN your man! Stop sitting on the sidelines. You are not a victim.

[LovingJo]

Why does she need to keep fighting for someone who clearly shows no commitment towards her?

[Jamie05rhs]

@LovingJo Why should he show commitment to her if she isn't his girlfriend? If she wants him, she better get him!

[NostalgiaSenpi]

Drop him and get someone that puts you on the front burner.

[Sasha0426]

Say bye-bye 👋 You don’t have time for that kind of nonsense.

[Hardworkingguy]

Probably break up with him completely and try to find someone who values you...

[gag36627]

And you can't lose him either. The problem here is you, not him