Is it friend zone dialect when guy says to a girl ” you’re a very nice person and you have a good heart”?

[Anonymous]

I don't know it sounds like a petty compliment.

[DaveJord]

Honestly, it all depends on context and the circumstances.

I would love to meet a very nice , kind person with a good heart. I would not consider it a petty, in the least. I would find a person like to have a very attractive personality. But you have a piont if you do not think it was a sencere compliment then yeah, it might just be a nice way to put you off.

So again it all comes back to the circumstances and context of the conversation.

[Asker]

He said this to me while saying our life goals are different and for that reason we shouldn’t continue to date…

[DaveJord]

Yeah, not a compliment then he is just being nice and it seems disingenuous... but I still would not say petty. I think he could of have seriously meant it as a compliment, but if you are not comfortable then it is what it is.

[Asker]

What do you think about his reason for breaking it off?

[DaveJord]

No idea... he wants something else that is all. Gain I hate to render a better opinion have no intimate details or context or knowledge base about your relationship with this person.

[Asker]

Something else in what sense?

[DaveJord]

So lets say he only wanted sex. He might of honestly realized you're a very sweet, nice and good person, with a kind heart. In that case he just doesn't want to hurt you. Honestly, he knows his intentions are not good and he does want to hurt you. He does want to crush that kindliness or turn you into a bitter or resentful woman.

He doesn't want to take advantage of you in that way. But he does want to date you either.

Or he just isn't attracted to you in any way, and therefore he is just trying to let you down easy.

[Asker]

Or he noticed we really want different things in life?

[DaveJord]

exactly... point is don't stress over it, he screwed himself and you deserve better than a loser like this.

[LiamJHayden]

If I tell a girl that I am definitely attracted to her because those are two huge requirements for me, but I can see how that could be taken as you think.

[Asker]

But to majority of guys how would they think in your opinion?

[DermalPunch]

You have a good heart is a common line. He is trying to get in your pants and fast.

[Asker]

He said this to me after our first date. He said our life goals are different and for that reason we shouldn’t continue to date…

[DermalPunch]

I can tell by the way you worded the question that English isn't your first language. I'm not in North America anymore and since casual sex is still very taboo in more conservative societies men use these types of lines to seem loke they have decent intentions. They don't.

[DermalPunch]

Oh you didn't explain you were breaking up in your question. Please be more clear next time. Yes, he is letting you down easy. He isn’t into you. Forget a out being with him romantically. He doesn't want to be involved.

[Asker]

So you think it was just an excuse?

[DermalPunch]

Excuse for what? He said he doesn't see you having a relationship and said you had a good heart. Be happy you seem to have been involved with a decent guy who did say what you wanted to hear, sleep with you then ghost you. Or worse srrung you along so he could sleep with you or get attention from you when he is feeling lonely. That's how most people operate these days.

It's time to focus in yourself and your dreams now. ✨️ 💝

[DermalPunch]

*didn't say

[Asker]

He’s muslim so it’s not we would’ve had sex before marriage. Also I meant excuse for not finding me attractive

[DermalPunch]

I know this exact thing. I'm Muslim in a Muslim country too. Very common thing guys say" you have a good heart". They say that to get sex. These days most Muslim guys are not chaste and will try to get sexual things out of girls. He is being good. He found something someone else. Know, if he comes back it's probably for attention. If he isn't going to your Dad or having his mom approve you he jist wants some fun.

[DermalPunch]

Being good because he is breaking it off nicely.

[Asker]

So you think he just wanted sex?

[Asker]

I think he was looking for something serious

[DermalPunch]

Not with you.

[DermalPunch]

You need to move on. Don't contact him. You will look needy and desperate and he will never see you as a serious option. If you keep your distance, Mai tain dignified silence and be cordial and polite if you see him perhaps he will change his mind. I would put your attention elsewhere.

[Asker]

During the date we were talking about what we wanted in the future. I told him like after 10 years I would’ve wanted to move with him and possibly if we have kids then with our kids to another country…
I also talked about how I would like to get better job in the future and study more. did I make the impression that I don’t want to have kids in the near future? I think he wanted kids soon and said he wants big family

[spartan55]

He could not compliment you at all, would you like that better?

[HollyK21]

Yeah, I’d say that sounds like friendly dialect.

[Asker]

So it’s not a good thing?

[HollyK21]

Being told you’re nice and have a good heart is definitely a good thing in general, it’s a nice thing to say. Do you mean if it’s a sign he likes you?

[Asker]

Yeah

[HollyK21]

I wouldn’t say this is a good example, just because it’s a very generic comment that even I’ve paid people in the past. If there has been anything more substantial then it’s better you refer to those instances.

[Asker]

He also said that it was ”very” nice to talk to me and get to know me

[HollyK21]

Oh yes, I noticed that in your title, you mentioned the “very”. Of course I wasn’t there, I’m not sure how he said it or what transpired between you two prior. So if I can only just based off these phrases then it sounds friendly, I’ve used it in the past and also received it.

Then again, I’m not big on reading into male behavior unless I’ve got a very distinct reason to do so. I don't know about you but in my past, when I believed I’d gotten indication that a man was interested and I wasn’t, I’d address him about it and politely establish that we are just friends. As a response from those men I’d usually be met with something hostile and defensive, which I guess is a result of embarrassment or ego.

Anyway, I don’t assume anymore. I need very blatant signs, like flirting, catching him staring a lot or clinging to my side if he’s in a group I’m hanging out with. I need lots of compliments, substantial attention and basically behavior that couldn’t suggest anything other than interest before I assume anything.
So could you take this compliment as a sign? Absolutely, if that’s what you choose to do. But I don’t think it’s enough.

[HollyK21]

Apologies, my responses can be long winded😂 I just want to be as informative as possible.

[Asker]

He said this to me while saying our life goals are different and for that reason we shouldn’t continue to date…

[HollyK21]

Oh you were dating! I think that’s a very important piece of context that you may want to consider updating this question with, totally fine if you don’t☺️. Having that in mind then sure, I could see how you’d perceive it as some sort of consolation prize, but can you do, you know? Whatever way he closes it out, it’s still the end.

[HollyK21]

“*what* can you do”

[Asker]

What do you think of his reason for breaking it off?

[HollyK21]

You said he told you that your goals are different right? That’s a reason to me.

[HollyK21]

Apologies I misread lol you said what do I think “of” his reason. Honestly I don’t think much of it, only because it happens. I’ve grown apart from guys I was dating, because as humans we change. Someone that I liked even early as a few months ago, it doesn’t mean I will still find them interesting or be attracted to them in present time.

[Asker]

He said that after the first date..

[HollyK21]

How long were you dating for? Did you like each other a lot? Or feel blind-sided by him ending things?

[HollyK21]

Also I want to be clear, by dating I mean your interactions leading up to the first real “date”, and/or if you still kept in contact after that date or if he just ended things after

[Asker]

We were chatting daily for 2 months before we met. Then we met one time. During the date we discussed about our life plans. After the date he told he our plans don’t align…

[Asker]

We haven’t talked after he said he does’t think we should continue to date. I have removed him from my instagram..

[HollyK21]

Gotcha, then you’re probably feeling kind of caught off guard. You go from talking daily for 2 months, to not having the same life plans. I’m sure it’s making you feel a bit bothered, like wondering what changed or what did you do wrong during the date.

It’s easy to dwell on that, especially if there aren’t other distractions, like an interesting man entering the picture, not having much success since that guy, etc etc. I could be all wrong as well.

I think at this time you should keep things in perspective. I mean you could waste another few days, weeks, months, dwelling and picking apart how things ended, replaying the date over and over in your mind. But it’s just not a productive use of time you could spend doing something better. As I said before, all of his logic behind ending isn’t relevant anymore, doesn’t matter, he’s gone. It has nothing to do with you or your looks, personality, none of that, so don’t burden yourself with insecurities and overthinking. He could’ve met someone else, or connected better with another woman. All you could (and should) do is wish him well and move on. Yes it was 2 months, but that isn’t very long. Definitely not long enough to continue trying to decipher this situation.

[Asker]

Are you saying his reason was just an excuse?

[HollyK21]

Not saying that at all. Do you agree with anything else I’ve said?

[HollyK21]

If you’re having trouble understanding anything then feel free to ask for clarification, I’m happy to provide it.

[Asker]

Yeah and I do agree with you. It just hurts because up until that point things were going very well. Also his compliments saying that I have a good heart kust hurt more because still he didn’h want me. When I asked him what plans didn’t alignz he said ” just in general they don’t align” he didn’t even want to elaborate

[HollyK21]

I’m sorry hun. I know you’re hurting but trust me, a breakdown from him on why you two don’t align was not the “closure” you needed. It would have done nothing but either make you feel worse, or make you want to become whatever you feel aligns with what he wants. You wanted an opportunity to “fix” something that never broke, because it never even got started. Get it?

What you want (and what you should be looking for) is a man who accepts and aligns with the woman you are now, and who you are becoming. Because whoever that woman is will be perfect for the right man, you know?

I know it’s hard to see the bigger picture when you’re grieving what you think is a loss, so you probably won’t believe me when I say he’s not the last man things will go very well with. But he’s not! It’s ok if he doesn’t want you, the right guy will.

[Asker]

When he didn’t tell me it seems like he was lying..

[HollyK21]

It’s possible, I won’t say it’s not. But ask yourself: if it was a lie then what will that do for you? Will you feel better or worse? Will it matter or will it not? If it matters, then why?

[HollyK21]

If the reason it matters is some version of “well because I liked they guy. There was a lot of potential and I’m really upset he didn’t like me enough or wasn’t as interested. I don’t want to look for a guy again, I want to be done dating and move on to the next thing”, then that is your issue. Not the guy, but the bigger picture. If I’m wrong about this then I apologize.

[Asker]

It’s hurts my self esteem a lot if the real reason was because he wasn’t physically attracted to me

[HollyK21]

That’s a valid feeling. If you already struggle with insecurity then something like this can easily trample over it. This is why now at this time I’d really encourage you to work on building yourself back up. Because why does this man that you only knew for 2 months (that’s 8 weeks!), get to destroy 30-35 years of self-confidence?

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely had my flukes with dating in the past, but one thing I would never do is try to find love when I wasn’t feeling good about myself. If you’re insecure, maybe struggle with some depression, then why give a man any opportunity to come in and make it worse? Shake this off and become even just a bit more confident within yourself. That way if something doesn’t work out again, you can shake it off and move on.

You won’t take his “we are just on different paths”, and turn it into “you aren’t a physically attractive woman”. In fact once you’re better, you won’t care so much if he finds you physically attractive. You want the man to connect with your mind, your personality, your goals, and the physical is just a perk. Yes while important, it’s not everything.

[Asker]

That’s easier done than said

[Asker]

I mean easier said than done

[HollyK21]

You’re 100% correct, it takes time and commitment. I’m 31 now and I still work on this, I don't know if it’s something you ever stop. But you have to start pouring positivity into yourself. I think you’ll feel much happier if something like this happens again that even if it bugs you a bit, it doesn’t hurt you so much or chips away at your self-esteem. A friend once told me self love is the most important love you “need”, any other love is just a “want”.

[Asker]

I don't know if it’s possible for him to come around and reach out to me… I’m kinda hoping for that

[HollyK21]

Maybe he will, or won’t. What will you do in the mean time? Does anything I suggest resonate for you?

[HollyK21]

I’d like to know you’re at least relatively receptive of what I say, because the last thing I will suggest is to sit around, wallow and wait. I will always encourage someone to uplift themselves and do better.

[Simslover92]

It could be yes.