So I like this guy.. well he’s actually my baby daddy.. we had a one night stand that resulted in our baby.. but we’ve kissed and hugged since but kinda just figuring out how to be coparents first before anything. He also isn’t a commitment type of guy or a guy that tells his feelings a lot. He’s told me he’s had feelings for me before and then he has told me he’s has sexual feelings for me.. I just tend to pressure and push a lot so he’s backed off a ton. There is this other girl that he’s known for years and he’s hooked up with her for years when they get drunk. I’m really trying to not be jealous or insecure about their relationship but why do you think he has messed around with her for years off and on and it’s never gone further than that with them?
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10 mo
Yeah I think if he is not pressured or pushed into making a decision right now then he will eventually want to try it out with me. We were talking when we first found out.. went on few dates.. but then I started hardcore pushing and being crazy. And it pushed him away.. we just started getting along again and it’s been almost a month
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“He’s not a commitment type of guy”, re-read that sentence, let it transfer in your mind so that you can release your romantic feelings for him. You literally know a relationship will not come from him, so why even put yourself through such torture? Unfortunately you have to deal with him for years to come, so make it easier on yourself rather than straddling the fence. Stop talking about romance with him or wondering who’s he’s hooking up with, don’t make it your business. At best he should be a friend and co-parent. And before you roll your eyes and think I don’t understand — I have two kids with a man I’m no longer with. It is hard getting over that area in your life but the longer you even fool with the idea of being together, and the more opportunities you give him to reject you, the harder it will be going forward.
Yeah I hear ya.. he’s been in relationships that have hurt him and they cheated. I know he def has trust issues. I’m hoping if I can gain his trust and develop a close friendship that I know it will lead to more. He just needs to know I’m not going to be stupid and push him. I do want the best life for our daughter regardless
I also just got out of a 9 year relationship with my ex before finding out I was pregnant. I was broken up with my ex at the time when I got pregnant.. and then I didn’t know who the dad was for about a year and so my ex raised her with me until I decided to do a paternity test. It’s only been about 7 months or so since my baby daddy found out she was his.
Sometimes the best life for your child isn’t the one that you believe is the solution. I think every woman wants a 2-parent household and usually being a single parent is more of a reluctant, forced move. You can’t turn a man into a good partner if that’s not what he wants, and I think at his age, he’s mature enough to have already made that decision. I’m mostly saying this because you probably have some romantic feelings but overall you want to be a family. Especially since he’s the dad and not your ex, do you think there’s some additional inclination to make it work after all this? by the way, Sorry to hear about how things played out with your ex, crazy to think you had no babies in these 9 years, then suddenly have one with just a one night stand. Interesting how these things happen.
Thank you. I think if I don’t push him or pressure him into making a commitment then he will give it a shot again because we went out on couple dates, and he does things with our daughter with me. I just started pushing a lot and chasing him and got a little crazy and it pushed him away. We just started getting along and it’s been almost a month now. He said he also wants me to focus on my life and get my life together before he would consider me because I’ve been up and down with emotions and shit from my ex of 9 years and then trying to latch onto him so quickly. Our daughter is almost 2. But like I said he just found out she was his about 7-8 months ago.
Well, I can’t tell you not to hold out on hope, you’re going to be dealing with this man a lot more going forward and it’s not easy switching lanes, this is all so new and you have a small child. I personally wasn’t ready to leave until our youngest was 5. This is your journey though and you have to do what feels right at this time. I’d mostly just advise that you make your choices with maturity and wisdom. Receive his words and actions properly, and don’t put yourself through the wringer, having so much hope that it prevents you from doing what needs to be done. There’s being a good dad, and being a good spouse, one needs to take priority over the other and you gotta be able to detach from him emotionally if the spouse part isn’t happening. I’d also say that whatever you do, do it for your own betterment and not because you think it’s the key to unlocking a relationship. It would suck to make the changes he says will make him wanna be with you then still give no relationship. He would just do it right now.
I know I need to make a lot of changes. I am really dependent on people to make me happy and he can see that. I need to focus on myself for awhile and my daughter and I truly believe that he will come around and see the more beautiful version of myself who loves herself and is doing all the right things. I’m just not there right now and I believe that’s why he’s not willing to commit.
Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but try not to let him “coming around” become such a focal point. It shouldn’t be a goal you set. If you want to be a more beautiful, healthier version of yourself then it has to be for you solely, not because you think it’s what will attract him. That is a quick way to not only become obsessive but to lose yourself in someone else. If you rely on others to make you happy, figure out how you can rid yourself of codependency. Therapy helps, if you aren’t already. There are books and endless sources online too.
Oh yeah I want to do it for my daughter and I. But doesn’t change my feelings for him. It’s just not the right time for us I know. I have lots of work to do on myself.
Thank you for all your advice! I truly appreciate it.
I know, you just gotta go through it lol no worries, I wish you luck on your journey
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