Guys, why would a guy turn player after many committed relationships?

[Anonymous]

[razelove]

Looking at your age, it's most likely discovering that the relationships weren't really committed. They were a means to an end. Like I got burned really bad in my first serious relationship, and found myself rebounding a lot, very swiftly.

I called them relationships, but it seemed like none of them lasted for more than a week or two. After realizing that I stopped with the pretense and just played the field until I could stop being bitter and take some of the edge off to be with someone else and want to do so.

I think the phrase is serial monogamy or hypergamy. If in each relationship he was thinking more about his next relationship than the one he was currently in, something may have happened to make him realize that and tear the mask off.

[Asker]

i heard every relationship he had ended badly or him getting hurt i dunno, i just was curious as to why he goes around pretending to love women to try and get in their pants after knowing his past has been committed relationships

[MrOracle]

Perhaps he's come to a realization, and changed his thinking. Experiences can do that (change a person's thinking).

I'm not agreeing with his decision, I'm simply pointing out that if his experience was that "doing the right thing" time and time again resulted in a loss each time, then it's not a surprise that at some point he's going to switch tactics so that he can win.

[Asker]

what is used the tactic of “doing the right thing” to get sex now instead of a relationship, why would someone do that? especially after many painful relationships

[MrOracle]

The tactic is to abandon "the right thing" completely in favor of doing what works, regardless of who he (emotionally) hurts in the process. Again, I'm not saying I agree with this idea, but I understand it. He is tired of losing because he's done the right thing and it was not appreciated or respected - i. e., the women he was with have taught him that doing the right thing is a sucker's choice that will result in a big loss, and he has learned the lesson and no longer cares about doing the right thing. Many, many players were made the same way - they started out as good guys and got taken advantage of, until all empathy for women was gone, and they began operating purely on self-interest.

My position is that he wasn't selective enough when choosing the women, and didn't prioritize the right things, but it's also true that it's gotten dramatically more difficult to find women with the right morals and values over the last 30 years, and in particular the last 15, with the rise of social media. There aren't nearly enough quality women to go around today, and many guys get so desperate that they lower those standards and then get run over. It's a difficult dilemma, and some percentage are just going to do the easy thing - become a player.

[Asker]

well, i actually feel bad for him. i found out he played me after pretending to want a committed relationship (long story short he treated me like his girlfriend for a week and when i told him i wasn’t ready for sex yet he ghosted me and made up an excuse - later found out he did the same to another girl).

Loved this boy so bad (i’ve never been in a relationship and the only thing i wanted was to be with him). He’s already gone, and after hearing him doing the same to another girl i started seeing a pattern, also hearing how he’s been hurt in the past, i just feel like he wasted and lost his chance, with me. (i’m a virgin, never been in a relationship and also i love affection, giving and receiving). I remember crying for over a year because of how bad i wanted to be his. Sucks because now he’s turned bad.

Funny thing i noticed after his last relationship he completely changed his appearance. Went from looking as a normal 18 year old, nice cut, clean shaved, to, crazy “bad boy” hair cuts, slits on the brows, goatee, overweight, change in clothes and piercings.

When he left i told him i would’ve given him everything even if it means sacrificing my own, but i guess it was too late. But…. i’m not responsible for peoples past nor how they decide to act.

[Asker]

i remember seeing him again at some extra classes, i hadn’t seen him for 4 months since he left me so heartbroken (he knows but he obviously didn’t care, had my crying at the fair alone while he left with his friends acting like Narcos).

The guy also has an insane tendency to compulsively lie about anything. He made up that his ex girlfriend made up that he cheated on her and that now no girl what’s anything to do with him, that he didn’t eat bad food (he’s overweight and it’s very noticeable), that i got mad at him when i was drunk (not true at all, he ended up taking advantage of me drunk and i regretted badly in the morning), that he didn’t have bitches (lol), and that i was the best thing that ever happened to him (also LOL).

I went therapy after because the mind games he’d play on me like when he left he told me it was because it was my fault because we made out when i was drunk (him sober) and he lost interest (the guy was begging for she’d the next day, i declined, and then poof, disappeared), constantly lovebombed me i felt like i was being drowned, and his actions never aligned with his words. Honestly the whole experience was horrible, he has an ego problem too, he’d self deprecate himself to gain attention and shit talk all his exes and called then pigs and whores.

[Asker]

sex* instead of “she’d” (autocorrect)

[Asker]

also after leaving me he posted on tiktok that i was “manipulating, a liar, ridiculous, an attention whore” probably because i’d told most of opera what had gone on between us, he’d also post things about love and commitment to manipulate others or / and show a false version of himself to cover his reputation. In a nutshell the guy has got serious problems and has a victim complex.

i’m not saying i’m perfect but someone who genuinely thinks they aren’t a bad person when they intentionally try to hurt someone to get what they want just because they are hurt and want their sexual needs met needs therapy.

[236color]

He was burned by one or more of them. Now he's angry and taking revenge on all women.

[Asker]

can they ever recover, especially if they’re young

[236color]

Yes, but it's hard. This is especially so with all these "Alph male" "red pill" guys out there.

[Asker]

how about the ones who pretend to look for something serious just for sex

[236color]

Oh dear, I'm afraid I have to tell you some hard truth. ALL heterosexual men want sex. At your age, from 14 to 40 it's pretty much all they can think of. "Something serious" sort of sneaks up on you, as a guy.
Virginity, as a woman is a blessing and a curse. There are a group of vocal guys out there loudly declaring they want virgins, many/most of them insecure assholes. Women on the other hand, are sold this bill of goods that their virginity is the only thing that makes them valuable, which is utter bullshit. I'm assuming you live in a modern western nation. If you don't things may be different where you are. Generally the idea of a virgin bride is largely a myth.
Young women that are sold the myth of virginity and it's great importance often have to repress their sexual desire so hard that it can be hard to turn it back on. Add to this young men are sold this myth that theyhave endless sexual options. Neither of those myths help people in getting together. Along with this, economic reality makes it very difficult for a couple to survive as an independent unit, which greatly disincentivizes a young man from making a commitment. Men in their early 20s just aren't able to support a wife, let alone a family.
So what have I got for advice? Oh, dear I'm not sure. Maybe forgiveness, for yourself, for young men stuck in equally shitty situation from their side and understanding that the stories we're told about life are often no longer true, and often never were.

So forgive yourself if you're 19 and not married to the man you'll be with for the rest of your life. Forgive yourself if you make a wrong choice and sleep with someone that doesn't work out. Forgive a young man if he's terrified of making a life long commitment at 21. Forgive both of you if the current economy makes the white picket fence in the suburbs even more of a fantasy than it was in the 50s.
Not much help I'm afraid, but the best I can offer being merely an observer for the last 35 years.

[Asker]

i didn’t sleep with him but he left me when i told him i wasn’t ready. this was the same guy that was lovebombing me after 2 days of knowing eachother and told me i was the best thing that’s ever happened to him after one date

[236color]

Yeah that one isn't worth a second chance.

[jahaims]

He decided a relationship isn't worth the heartache

[Asker]

do guys really think that logically, especially young boys (say just out of HS, 18-19) ? i understand their point (even though i don’t agree with their choices) but i feel like the next guy i’d meet i’d end up falling in love again

[Sameone]

I don't think this is true
Only if he was a boy not a man