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One possible reason is to force you into submission in a cloud of enticing smells. First of all, coffee shops reek of coffee and moldy books, their pages emanating the faint whiff of knowledge long forgotten, intermingled with traces of earthy-smelling compounds seeping from aged wooden beams.
Now, as a girl settles down across from our calculating protagonist, tender strands of rotting seaweed may grace her nostrils, gently reminding her of distant shores and exotic travels while simultaneously tantalizing her taste buds with anticipation. Soon after, waves of freshly ground Limburger cheese undulate around them, evoking images of decadent French cuisine and romantic rendezvous.
A sudden shift reveals itself – sour milk and vinegar make their presence known, tickling her nose ever so slightly. A delicate balance between sweetness and acidity plays like a game of cat and mouse, awakening dormant memories of cherished childhood moments spent sneaking treats under watchful eyes.
Then, quite unexpectedly, a glorious wave of fermented pineapple descends, introducing itself as tropical passion fruit wine. Its intoxicating bouquet whispers tales of faraway islands where vibrantly colored birds sing songs of love and desire. But do not be fooled; alongside it comes a bold punch of blue cheese and overripe avocado, ensuring an element of surprise remains present throughout this sensory journey.
Just when she believes herself acclimated to these captivating surroundings, another layer unfurls – hydrogen sulfide gas mingles subtly merging seamlessly with the previously established tapestry of aromas. It slithers through the air like a snake, drawing attention without being intrusive or overwhelming. At once, visceral recollections of natural hot springs and volcanic landscapes arise, transporting her momentarily to remote corners of Earth's geological marvels.
Now bathed in this symphony of olfactory experiences, let us not forget one final component – skunk spray. Yes, indeed! Our mastermind introduces this audacious perfume as if it were but a common household spice. Yet fear not, gentle reader, for its inclusion serves not to repulse or disgust, but rather to punctuate the entire performance with a jolt of adrenaline. After all, what better way to leave an indelible impression than by challenging societal norms?
That was too much
Write a book next time
I don’t believe the intent was ever to disrespect you honey. It was a topic of conversation that he must’ve felt at least mildly comfortable asking questions about. Was there absolutely no mention of anything sexual even prior to the coffee date? He just made the comment about not having sex with you out of the blue?
No there absolutely no mention of sex prior that’s why I was hurt and confused
Talking about sex is fine but it’s how he asked it/ went about it
Okay, so if he just brought that topic out of the blue then at most I would say it’s very inappropriate. The thing is when I consider the other aspects of your situation that aren’t mentioned here, I just think he felt comfortable to say what he said even though he shouldn’t have. Something gave him the wrong impression, whether it was the pictures on your dating profile or something about the nature of your conversations prior. For example, when you mentioned being a placeholder until he found someone else, I feel like in his mind if he didn’t want a new female friend then what else would there be besides sex. I get your intent behind the statement, but still I believe it helped form his opinion about you.
I’m also not sure why you told him you had sex a year ago when you haven’t at all, what would’ve happened if this came out later? For reasons that I’ll never understand, some men specifically don’t want to date virgins.
To be super clear because sometimes I feel like you misunderstand what I say lol. I use the word inappropriate rather than disrespectful because I don’t think he was lacking respect for you. He paid for the meal, was a gentleman, he just made a statement that was not appropriate.
I think you’re misunderstanding what I’m saying and how I feel about it. We go over this all the time. I really do think you take up for his behavior.. and it’s baffling to me.
Yes, in some aspects he was a gentleman… he did the bare minimum… but what I really needed to hear on that date was reassurance and clarity.. I needed him to really take the lead.
Saying something inappropriate and hurtful is not showing respect to someone on a first date… it’s just not… there were a lot of other things to talk about besides sex anyway… that lets me know that’s what he really cared about. He said on the date that he wasn’t ready for a relationship so why did sex still have to come up? You’re choosing to ignore certain major clues. I don’t appreciate that
In the end he showed me how he really felt about me… especially when he “ghosted “…..
Since when is being called crazy by someone you just met not disrespectful?
Really? We’re going through this again?
Not true at all Chels, I’ve been in your corner from the start and feel like I tell you that I support you at least once in our conversations. The thing is you’re in a space where you just want to be told what you wanna hear, and when I’m not doing that then you believe I’m siding with him when that’s never the case.
I don’t think you realize that people comment how they do because you’re only provide snippets and bits of the situation at a time for them to specifically comment on. If they knew the story start to end the responses would align more with what people were saying the first time or two I ever even commented.
I look at the situation from start to finish, and the fact that he doesn’t say “you’ll be crazy” and instead its “you’ll be crazier”, implies that something about your interactions were making him feel like you weren’t sound minded. He even told you previously that you should take some time for yourself to heal before you try dating.
Then on your date you weren’t even talking. Like yes you were answering but it was so awkward, dude was looking all around unsure of what to say. You really needed him to take the lead and reassure you but it’s not like you were making strides to reassure him and engage as well. It goes both ways.
No, I do not think that was the right time or place to be talking about sex in any shape or form, I’m not even sure why the conversation became a thing and I find it inappropriate for a first date. But I do not think he was intently trying to hurt or disrespect you, and I think that if you truly believe he was that huge of a dickhead you wouldn’t still be hung up on him all these months later. Wanting to get a private eye to look into his life and stuff, you’d do that for a man who allegedly treated you so horribly within those days? Come on.
After such short time and no relationship in place, you’d have more incentive than anyone to wash your hands of essentially a stranger yet here we are.
Okay but put yourself in my shoes..:. Half the things I told you, you wouldn’t tolerate if you were in my shoes..
It’s funny how you really don’t think men are capable of not playing you! What world are you living in holly? Like fr.. these niggas will play in your face…
It’s okay for him to laugh and look away when I ask when he was last intimate? Like he’s trying to intimidate me or let me know he’s screwing other broads? That’s respectful?
Like I’m really not getting your point…
I know babe, I know men are capable of playing us and I’ve been played myself. I believe elsewhere I mentioned that my fiancé is my first real relationship ever, and I met him when I was like a month shy of turning 30. Prior to that it was a lot of men playing games, so I definitely understand.
I’ve already been in your shoes, I’ve had unsuccessful dates that didn’t work for a multitude of reasons but I’ve never gone down this path. I’ve recognized that those weren’t the men that god had in store for me, and left them behind because I was confident in that fact. No matter how they had done me. The only karma I needed was knowing that it’s their loss, like it sucks to lose a woman like me! That’s the mentality I would love for you to adopt because you deserve to feel better already Chels.
The only points I’ve ever really tried to make is that at the end of the day it was a bad date, and he is just a man who things did not work out with. When you speak about this situation with others it’s like it just sounds worse and worse. Now he’s officially a disrespectful closeted gay male who enjoys hard trans porn, treated you like a pile of dog shit under a shoe and only wanted to USE you for sex. He has no respect, checked out a woman right in front of you and laughed in your face. It just gets worse and worse and worse because that’s who you want him to be when he’s not. He was a decent guy who you wanted to love you and help you change. He was supposed to just love you through all your trauma and he didn’t. That’s what this is about.
Because he is all those things! Especially the trans thing…. He’s treating me like this because of that. He should have never made it seem like he wanted to care tho… that’s not fair!
But it’s all good. I’m not into men anymore. If he’s gay im gay. Tf.. I’m done and I’m tired of being treated like shit by men.
Honestly I don’t even feel like that’s something to be thinking about right now. You should take a break from men babe. Focus on yourself and healing, then maybe in like a year or so you’ll feel differently. The thing is I don’t know if you’ll do that. Men are such a focal point in your life, almost everything you do in your free time revolves around them for some reason. Whether it’s plastic surgery, wanting to strip or be a webcam girl, wanting to play men just to fuck with them and chew them up. Every single thing you make mention of for your future good or bad involves men. I would be more tired of that than anything else if I were you.
I’ve always been that way but I wasn’t looking to date him… I understand that I came off as a ho but he didn’t see me as that and he made it seem like that’s not what he wanted…
He just wasn’t attracted to me.
But he only said I should take time from dating because I checked him on something… not because he was trying to give me advice…
I’m still sticking to what I believe. He’s a jerk
Chels, you only hurt yourself and mess up your own image by trying to be what you think appeals to men when that persona is not who you are morally.
I fully believe that you feel so disrespected and hurt because he felt comfortable enough to make those comments based off his perception of you. I believe that because you were so quiet, wanting him to take the lead, he probably thought you were just being agreeable and didn’t have your own mind to carry a conversation with him, even though none of that is true. He may have expected you to be more outgoing or confident and you just kinda shrank into your seat. Sweet girl, you were just too nervous and intimidated😔
In no way shape or form am I disagreeing with you saying he’s a jerk, it is a fair sentiment. All I’m trying to do is address other aspects as to why (all things considered in its entirety) this situation went so wrong. From start to finish and not just based off that date, it all contributed to why it didn’t ultimately work out.
I already know these are not the things you want to hear from me, it’s why you fashion these posts how you do so that the commentary works in your favor. But I’m always going to be straight with you, I’m always going to blunt because I actually DO care about you and have no desire to lie for your peace of mind. That’s just fake.
OKAY BUT! When I tried to act like a hi and be a placeholder.. HE didn't WANT TO TALK BECAUSE HE SAID THATS NOT WHAT HE WANTED… we were literally going to stop talking over the whole placeholder thing!
So in my pea brain I thought he was respecting me because he didn’t view me that way despite him seeing my pics! He never complimented my body in a sexual way…. He complimented the pic of me smiling… so I thought oh maybe he does like me for me…
So yes I feel disrespected because if he never talked to me that way over text then WHY would he be “comfortable “ doing it on our date! That’s what I’m saying…. It caught me by surprise….
I will admit that I was embarrassed by my behavior and that’s why I was quiet because I’m im not like that in real life… I’m not confident.
He did admit that he didn’t like how things started off between us in the beginning
I believe the fact that he DID like you for you (or at least wanted to see what you were like in person) is why the date happened in the first place but it just went to shit.
You put a lot of emphasis on everything you felt he did wrong or what he could’ve done better without much mention of your faults as well, and I believe it’s because of that embarrassment. Not even for just the date but prior to it and after with those phone calls.
If I were in his shoes and I had this woman sitting with me who wasn’t speaking much, wanting me to order her food and not really engaging then I can’t confidently say that I would feel as though we weren’t compatible. I’d feel like she was having a bad time or something was wrong with me to where she just wants to get out of there already. Honestly if tables were turned and he was the one doing what you did, how would you interpret that?
If he were a true gentleman he would have handled it more honorably in my opinion especially since he knew how “vulnerable “ I was…. He asked if I was an emotional person and I said yes.. so he knew certain things and he wanted to know… I lowkey feel like he through all of back in my face… he just did not care enough…..
He only wanted sex or to eventually have sex. That was his priority I’m sorry
He wasn’t attracted to me because if he wasn’t turned off by the “ho part” in the beginning why would he be turned off that I was quiet? Why would he be turned off by me being nice and quiet? That makes no sense
It wasn’t and you literally said it wasn’t Chels! In all caps! Lol I’m not trying to give you a hard time babe but my goodness. Then saying it doesn’t make sense that you being quiet was a turn off, of course it is. If I’m on a date with someone and they’re barely saying a word, like is that sexy? Mysterious? Would that make you feel like ‘wow this person must not be talking much because they’re super into me!’. Come on. He not have ever been a true gentleman but they’re neither here nor there…
** he may not have ever been a true gentleman but that’s neither here nor there**
I’ll let it go. But this has changed me. I don’t want to be Chelsea anymore. She sucks , she’s rejected, she’s not good enough..
He’s not a gentleman because he doesn’t know how to connect with women. He’s better with trans
Ig we just have to agree to disagree… on this… I feel like he hated me and wanted to get rid of me. Fine. He won. I can’t fight if I’m not enough for him
Chels honey that is one man amongst millions, please do not allow him to have you down like this. It is not just about him, it’s deeper than that and it’s gonna take some time and work. But you are a great person, a lovable person, he’s the one missing out!
I just thought I was soo close.
If he had other options he should have just been with them from the beginning… it hurt my feelings when he looked away and laughed after I asked him when he was last intimate…
But you’re right.. I need to let it go fr this time
I totally get that, the feeling of lost potential is disappointing, but that’s why I’ve said before not to set expectations too soon. You can’t help how you’re feeling about this guy and what happened but you do have control over what happens with whoever the next guy is.
I’m sorry your feelings were hurt with him chuckling at your question. I feel like that is a universal thing with so many men, they want to know our body count but when we ask it’s like taboo or funny, as if it shouldn’t matter. There are truly men who think their own count doesn’t matter when it does and he’s probably one of those.
He may have other options at his disposal, maybe not. You speak so highly of him sometimes whereas I don’t see the appeal at all lol and I’m not the only one. Everyone is different.
I mean I don't know nothing about him… I don’t think high about him. But he has qualities I like that’s all. I don’t think he’s all that but I thought we would be a thing
But I truly don’t believe in love. I think lust is so much better anyway
It seems like you thought highly of him since you ranked him as a man of quality, but all the same I understand your disappointment. You aren’t wrong for grieving how you want, I’d just hate to see this be one of those situations you’ve had in the past with men. Where you seem to like them until the next one comes along. There has to be something to that pattern when you think about it.
It’s okay if you don’t believe in love, but that doesn’t matter right now regardless, you aren’t even on the market looking for love at this time. It’s all about you and your healing because it is so necessary, you aren’t in a good place.😔
I mean he’s probably not a quality man now because he likes trans women so that would be a turn off…
I guess he really isn’t coming back right?
Doubtful babe, but that’s ok too.
Can you say something regarding the trans woman regardless of the fact that it has nothing to do with this situation
I didn’t overlook that on accident, you know how I feel about that part and I just disagree.
For one, I don’t think it’s right to discuss, let alone determine someone’s sexuality when they have no way of defending themselves. Two, neither of us have any idea who that trans woman is to him. This would be more significant if he followed several trans women, you’d know something was up. But without that being the case, what if that is a person in his life from the past who transitioned? I personally have one of those, a friend who I met my senior year of high school as a boy, few years later he transitioned to a girl.
Your argument may be that as a straight man he shouldn’t have that person on his account period, but that’s not how everyone thinks. He wouldn’t just disown a person in his life for their choice in theirs. I mean he could but that’s cold af.
Nooo there’s a difference between following a trans woman and following a trans woman who post explicit content…
Straight men barely like to be involved with that type of stuff… it has to be a turn on to him…
You would feel some type of way if your fiance was following a naked trans woman with a penis still attached bouncing up and down… it’s EXPLICIT
That’s their choice though Chels. I don't know if you’re aware just how many people post and sell explicit content of themselves, even as of 2020. I have seen people I never thought in a millions yeaaaars would make that sort of content, even p**nographic, yet there they are. Getting sugar daddies, all sorts of shit just to get some money, and a big bag at that. It’s their choice, who are we to judge if someone we thought would be a librarian now does hardcore stuff on only fans.
I have just as much a right to raise the argument that this could be someone from his past as you do to accuse him of being closeted gay, and I feel much more comfortable going that route so that is what I’m going to do. We don’t know who that is to him and in my mind that is that.
You always drag my poor fiancé into the mix lol man Chels! Okay, well do you believe that if his close relative became trans and decided to start making explicit content, would the right thing to do be disown them? You know that pornstars and people who do similar content have families right? Aunts, moms, dads, grandparents who know full well? Of course they do. All that shit is so mainstream and normalized now anyway, you could go onto tiktok and see people who make that content with their family member as a manager lol it is very much a thing to have someone somewhere in your life who is involved in those worlds.
To be very fair and also clarify, I don’t want to insinuate that my fiancé wouldn’t feel some type of way about that. We’re both Christians and he is not with all the trans stuff which I respect. However, if someone close to him transitioned, it’s hard for me to imagine that he would just cut them off. If he kept them as a friend and they decided to post explicit content, I don’t even think he’d notice since neither of us are on social media anymore.
I’m sorry but you sound absolutely riDONKulous right now… I mention your fiance because YOU wouldn't PUT UP WITH IT!
You are such a goody two shoe or something.. I don't know but god damn it irritates the hell out of me. I really think you are this guys sister or something because you defend him like it’s your honor fr..
There’s nothing I can say to make you believe me. He’s possibly following other trans women but I can’t view all his followers and he keeps a low profile.. which in my opinion that’s sneaky dl behavior
I said what I said…
I bet if you did ask your fiance if he would follow trans porn of a “family member “ “friend “…. I want to know his answer
Because you sound ridiculous….
If you wouldn’t accept it why should I?
Cutting off and choosing not to “support “ their content by following them are two different things and you know that
He is also Christian and active in church.
I don’t think following someone equates to supporting them. I think that would be liking, commenting, sharing, interacting with their content. It’s okay if you think I sound ridiculous, I’m not here trying to prove anything to you, and I’m truly not sure why you think I’m supporting this man so much but if that’s how you feel then alright.
Take care Chels, I’m sure I’ll run into at another point in time❤️
Here you go being sensitive
I’m sorry I mentioned your fiance. It’s just me giving an example. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings…
I have to remind myself that we don’t know eachother well
When you start getting mad at me I gotta hit the deck😂 lol no it’s all good, really! We’ve had more than enough conversations for me to know what I’m walking into when I choose to comment, but I still do it because I care. This is a dark place you’re in, but it’s not always going to be this way. You are a good person and deserve to feel better, that time is coming. You just have to start moving forward, leave this guy behind.
Alright 🥺 I really do appreciate you. I wish I could send you something.
I’m going to try again..
Until next time 😪
Awe it’s no problem really! From one woman who’s gone through shit to another, it’s gonna be alright ❤️
I also think he’s a covert narcissist
Anything’s possible
I’m sorry 😣 I hate myself for not being over this.
Thank you
Honestly babe I think it has to do with your habit of fixating on the same guy until a new one comes along. How did that habit even start?
Yes, I think it has a lot to do with anxiety and ocd…. But it does hurt
I’ve been doing this since I was 13.. but I don't know how that habit started I just know that it gives me some type of comfort or safety mentally.
I just need to hear someone say “he likes you “ “he wanted to love you “ “he didn’t mean to hurt me “… I knew it would end like this. I just didn’t want to be right and I’m trying to change it
But that’s something I need to discuss with a therapist. That’s not fair to put that on you. You’ve done enough 💐
There are things you could use a therapist for, but also work you can do on your own at home. Personally I just made it a point to get as far down to the root of my issues as possible, because often times the answer is there and you don’t even realize it. For example, you say you’ve been doing this since you were 13, it gave you some sort of comfort. So from there I’d look deeper into that, what it can connect to or correlate with. Like even though you didn’t have big issues with your dad, something about that could be what started it all. Get a journal if you can, write it out so you can try making sense of it. Things like that really can help. Also it’s no problem at all Chels! I’m always around if you need to chat. It’s not a big deal🤍
I saw that I could be borderline
Bpd
I just don’t want to know.. so much stigma surrounding that
Honestly babe it’s better to know, I also think it would give you so much clarity and help you understand yourself. Right now you feel crazy in your head because you just have no idea what you’re dealing with. I think it would be nice to finally have an answer.
Yeah maybe
I just know that I hate being me. I truly want to be lusted after… I want to be men’s dream girl. I want to be the woman they masturbate too. I just have to make sure I don’t get my feelings involved no matter what
Why is the focal point still men? After all this, the male gaze is of such importance.
I really do believe he had a gf… he didn’t want to tell me his actual name
He has little social media presence
We went to a place near me not him
Doubtful, I just don’t think the date was going well😔
Can I talk to you for a short time
If you’re busy I understand I’m sorry
Of course! How are you doing?
I’m in another bad depressive episode.
How are you?
Have you ever watched baby reindeer
Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that. What do you think triggered it today? And I am actually on episode one! Not sure if I’ll continue or not, it’s confusing lol
I think the show is triggering me because I feel so much like her
And as the show progresses it really does sound like my story
I’m sorry.. not that I’m stalking him in person.
I feel like her on a lower note
Please don’t relate to that woman lol you are not her. Even if you were still hung up on the one guy, you aren’t stalking him. Yes you talk about him, but not checking up or trying to hunt him down. I think that’s great to be able to say.
I’m saying her personality. I feel exactly how she feels
I do check his social media often I hate to admit it…
Most men feel bad for me.. the last guy I talked to… the firefighter. I was incredibly lonely and I came off as unable.. he knew all along. He felt bad for me and I knew it… he admitted to talking to me bc he felt like I was lonely angry and insecure. Which is true.
I feel the intense pain that she felt when letting him go, the trans situation and my jealousy.
I feel just like her
Was this guy before the African one or since him? Gosh I’m so sorry you’re having these experiences. You aren’t someone to pity or feel bad for, you’ve just got trauma that needs healing fr.
Yes this was a year before the African guy..
I thought I would’ve eventually ended up with him.. we were going to be friends with benefits but we were busy. I was still in school and he was on probation to become a ff … he came during a time I needed him most. Ofc things started off similarly to the African guy.. but we had talked for months off and on and never went out. I believed him when he said he was busy… he always said that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he always told me “I want you to be happy “ “I hope you find what you’re looking for” “ I can’t give you what you want “ ect…”I’m not ready for a relationship “…. I really believed him. I thought he cared and may have actually wanted to eventually be with me.
But really he didn’t. I was just hard to get rid of because I was unstable and drunk a lot.
In the end I did jokingly threaten to kill myself bc I knew things were ending. He said “I care about you even if you can’t see it “ yeah right
The same month we stopped talking he entered into a relationship and he married her 4 months later… they are married now
Expecting a child …. He eventually blocked me on facebook even tho we never followed eachother
He did admit to having a soft spot for me.
The reason he said that I was lonely angry and insecure is because I told him that I hope something happened to him on the job. It was brutal what I said but I knew he was pulling away bc of someone else
But he doesn’t matter… I just really want to understand why my feelings for the African guy haven’t gone away. I desperately want it to. I just think I am in love with him
I’m sorry. Just needed to vent. Hope you have a great weekend ❤️❤️❤️
Sorry I just got off work! Now I’m free☺️Man, How long ago were you dealing with that guy and for how long?
Oh okay, I don’t want to bother you. I’m sorry
He truly doesn’t matter anymore… I’ve gotten over him.
Do you think I’m in love with this man?
Awe Chels it’s not a bother at all! I don’t think you’re in love, there wasn’t enough time for that. But I do think you’re fixated. I feel very certain you were telling me a while ago that once you like a guy, you pretty much are on him until the next guy you like comes along, whenever that may be. This says more about your attachment style, and if I were you I’d be trying to figure out what made me act this way with men in the first place. Something started it for sure
I deeply do think I like him… even though I shouldn’t bc he showed me how he feels about me
What’s there to like about him at this point in time? You haven’t spoken in months..
Looking at his social media.. he’s a church goer, he went to a good school, he’s nice looking.. he’s seems respectful and he seems respected
“Seems”, keep in mind that a lot of this is the image you’re creating of him and not what he’s actually bringing to the table. You don’t know what kind of partner he would of been, but god knew. I genuinely think rejection is often times protection.
You know often times I think about the men in my past and how those things didn’t work for one reason or another. Then I think of my fiancé and how much he aligns with what I want, if I’d wound up with one of those other men I would’ve missed out fr. When you’re going through it, it can seem like this is a major loss but once you get to the right person, you’ll realize why it didn’t work with the rest.
Yeah but remember I told you that I wanted to be a sex icon and that I wasn’t looking for love anymore after him
But I do think what he thinks about me hurts and his actions
I remember you said that and I completely disregarded it, because it isn’t what you want. Look at how harsh you took the African dude bringing up a sexual topic, feeling like he disrespected you and whatnot. That’s who you are at your core, not a sex icon.
I ONLY felt like that because I THOUGHT he didn’t want me to do that or the thought I was better than that.
I sext men ect… it just hurt coming from HIM
Chels I feel like the person you’re trying to be is such a contradiction to the woman that you are and I really hate that it’s All behind a man. Why do men get to control so much of what you do? Even wanting to be a maneater, or be a sex icon for them, it’s all with men in mind and not your betterment.
No it’s about empowerment
Why does your empowerment always have to involve a man though?
It honestly doesn’t
I’d like to say it doesn’t, but all of your resolution’s and actions that you mention involve men. It would be better if whatever you choose to do never doesn’t involve them at all.
I’ll share some good news. I lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks from trying to focus on my weight loss goal.
But do I feel sad by him tho. It’s like deep down I really think it was about sex even though you tell me no but I do… he’s a player.
Who wants to be with a man who thinks you’re dumb
7 pounds in 3 weeks is dope! Hope you’re doing it in a healthy way for sure🤍. When it comes to him and the whole sex thing, all I’ve said is that I don’t think it was is sole purpose. Sure he wanted it at some point but that’s so many of us nowadays.. there was a reason it didn’t work with him, even if you can’t understand it now.
I just truly feel like shit.. I feel depressed… just about how he went about things and not wanting me.. he just didn’t care
That’s what hurts the most. He doesn’t care
There just wasn’t enough time for all that Chels, it was two weeks. What I’m really wondering is what caused all this, and why you fixate on one man until the next one comes.
You’re not understanding why it hurts but okay 😭 maybe I don’t understand
True, maybe I don’t understand why it hurts so much, but I do think you’re in a place where you should want to understand it better. With my mindset I couldn’t imagine feeling this way over a man I knew so little time, but I also didn’t go through the things you went through to get to where you are now. I’ve had more than enough tribulations but how I handled it was different than you, but why? Was it out influences growing up? Our relationships with parents? Or however that one man hurt us that stuck with us forever? There’s a reason to all this.
I mean you’re on a date with a man and He’s on his phone, isn’t trying to tell you his real name, calls you crazy, sneaks glances at the waitress , no compliment, no kiss…. That hurts coming from a guy you want to be with
Its like you’re validating certain things now when before it “seemed like” he wasn’t telling you his name or “felt like” he was sneaking glances at the waitress. The truth keeps getting more and more lost in such a simple situation, babe. Even when you say you wanted to be with him, that was not a known fact in the beginning. You said you didn’t want anything at first and you two would’ve stopped talking then and there but he kept talking to you. Then there’s the aspect of him saying that you were just agreeing with him, but it was stated that he wasn’t looking for anything serious which you co-signed. So why would he know you wanna be with him? Now he’s not a perfect or faultless person, I’ve said as much, but when you’re retelling this story you aren’t being 100% factual. You also rarely ever next to never share the things that you did as well, if I didn’t already know you probably wouldn’t want to tell me at this point in time. It’s just gotten so messy, messier than it ever should’ve.
No I kept talking to him and he’s not perfect because he wasn’t trying to talk me things about himself during our talking stage and he even didn’t reply to my text for 2 days then said “sorry super busy “…. So no there was some inconsistencies
I don’t think he was wanting something serious he was pretending to want something serious… he’s playing me… not trying to tell me your name on a date just screams “not serious “…. Or “I have a girlfriend “
Your logic with some of these talking points, I don’t think you realize the irrational thought process here. Not with everything of course but some things. Like him not telling you things about himself, honey I just think it was awkward, he didn’t wanna talk deeply anymore. I think that all during the date the tone was being set, paired with what all led up to the date, by the time it came for questions he was like nope😭. It’s too bad the date went how it did.
What was the name he gave you in the beginning? I couldn’t imagine you talking to a man not knowing his name, but what about it would make you think he’s lying?
He gave me another name and I knew Craig wasn’t his real name. Ain’t no African name Craig. Craig is a hood name
He said there are Africans with English names… true but they’re usually biblical… not crackhead Craig
And I asked him the first time if that was his name he said yes… but I literally had to ask him twice “what is the name your mother gave you “
He was really acting like he didn’t want to tell me.. like he said it all low and ish…. I didn’t like that bc what’s the big deal…
But when he told me his real name it’s true.
Lmao nooo Chels not crackhead Craig!😭 man I don’t know, I’m high school I knew an African named Aaron and toward my mid-20s was friends with one named Christopher. It’s rare for sure though!! The African I dated was named Mohammed, which makes more sense but hey, some parents try to Americanize their kids lol
**in high school
I’m sorry I’m cracking up😩 you asked him twice then said what’s the name your mother gave you? Lmao I just can’t!😂 that’s great fr
True BUT THAT wasn't HIS REAL NAME!
Tf he lying for? I get safety concerns! But we’re on a date … I need to feel same and know who I’m talking to….
There’s no facts to back that up though babe, your only defense is it doesn’t “sound” African. Honestly what if that’s one of the things that put him off? You insisting his name wasn’t his? Nobody thinks my name is Holly when they see me, it’s too simple, not a “real” name.
Don’t get me wrong it was funny! At least in my mind it was lol but it could’ve put him off, like why does she keep asking if my name is Craig?
Okay but Holly… it’s not his name… he told me his real name…. He does have a pretty cool name though.. but I understand that it’s a unique name but I still think it’s sneaky
Did you remember the name he told you before? If that’s the case then I would’ve called him on it during the date, like didn’t you say your name was Joe? What made you not ask?
No I knew that wasn’t his real name… I kept asking until he told me … I didn’t “keep asking “ annoyingly but I knew his name wasn’t Craig..
I should have asked why he lied and why he didn’t want to tell me…
I just took that as another sign of his lack of interest and didn’t pursue it further to ask more questions bc why wouldn’t he want me to know if he were actually “interested “
But I thought I would just forget him after the date so that’s why I kept quiet and it backfired on me because it’s eating me alive on why I didn’t stand up for myself or ask questions.
Shoulda could've woulda’s will eat you up for sure if you let it. Instead of I were you I’d be learning from the things I wish I did, make sure I do it next time. That’s really all you can take away from these things, learning experiences.
**if I were you.
You’re right, I feel like I’ve been saying that, like during the date he was forming his opinion and ultimately wasn’t interested. If he was keeping his name from you, maybe it was so that you couldn’t connect with him after he decided to cut ties. I can’t know for sure, we could spend more time trying to figure it out or just let it rest. I say go with the latter.
True, but it really makes me feel like such a lame… I feel like he’s indirectly saying “I can do better “…
He thinks I’m an idiot or stupid.
I’ve been called dumb my whole life… sometimes I’m afraid to talk and ask questions out of fear of looking dumb…
Like when he said Africans can have American names… I was going to ask “is that due to colonization or…” I just felt that was so dumb to ask
But I did see him look at me when I wasn’t looking but not in an endearing way… it was more like a up and down look…. Like “mm okay..”
Maybe that’s something to work on babe. You set yourself up for failure if you go into a situation intimidated and not confident. It’s horrible to be in your head second guessing everything you wanna say or being quite because you don’t wanna say the wrong thing. You’re just way too hard on yourself, especially when it comes to men and it shows outwardly. I feel like the date could’ve gone a lot better if you’d engaged more, and spoke openly without worrying about your questions and topics. You should try not to internalize other people’s opinions the way you do, it doesn’t matter what they think of you or your intelligence level, their opinions aren’t your identity.
I really don’t think he wanted to talk to me tho
Tbh I didn’t see the point of meeting up after he said that he wasn’t because he’s not where he wants to be
So I think he just wanted a purely sexual relationship
I truly don’t understand why he isn’t truthful with me. Like I asked if he has a degree in computer and he says yes…. I look on LinkedIn and he has a bachelors in mechanical engineering…. So at this point I feel like I was a joke to him…
But people lie on LinkedIn
For all the things he was dishonest or lied about, he’s wrong 100%. But so much of your talking points are the conclusions you’ve drawn in an effort to understand. I don't know if you realize that sometimes when things end with a man, it’s not going to make a whole lot of sense, it just didn’t work out. You could ask me today why I didn’t continue seeing a man who checked off majority of my boxes and seemed to align perfectly with what I wanted in a partner, and I’d say I don’t know. There isn’t always an in depth, multi-layered reason.
With the African guy, I genuinely feel like he went on that date with you to see how he felt in person and ultimately decided you weren’t the one for him. It’s totally fine if you can’t relate to this, but I know personally I have gone on a few “benefit of the doubt” dates. My fiancé was one of those guys I had doubts about because of his flat texting style it seemed like we’d have no chemistry, but in person it’s a completely different vibe and I learned he’s just shit with texting lol. It could be the same for the African, where he wasn’t getting the best impression of you over the phone so decided to meet up and it didn’t go well. There was no good reason for him to be untruthful other than not wanting to connect with you, which yeah we can say is a bummer but rejection just isn’t fun no matter how it hits.
So I messed things up… but he talks about sex etc
Honestly I feel like you both messed things up, it’s not just all on one person. Hindsight is 20/20, so there’s no use dwelling on what either of you could’ve done better or differently. Same as it’s pointless to lament on how you feel like he sabotaged the date on purpose, not wanting to be open with you, etc etc, to me it’s all ultimately equivalent of you saying ‘this isn’t fair’. Not fair that he didn’t do this or that to make the date more successful, not fair that he didn’t remain in contact and continue the connection. You wanted this to be the right one, you feel cheated that it wasn’t. But that’s just life, babe. You just gotta trust god that this was for the better and mean it when you give him that trust.
Yeah… I wanted him to be…
He didn’t think I was good enough for him… you’re right it’s life…
He wants nothing to do with me ever again
Chels, you’re the one telling yourself you aren’t good enough. He isn’t the first guy that you’ve done this to yourself over, which is another reason why I say whatever you do next shouldn’t involve a man or the male gaze whatsoever. Like if you’ve been wanting to take a trip to Jamaica and you go with some friends, that’s for you. Or even if you wanted to take pole dancing lessons because of how great a workout it is, that’s something for you too. I just think men should be all the way off your radar right now in general, it’s for the better.
Okay , I understand.
I’m just struggling to get over him still… it’s not the fact that we are not talking but the fact that he really doesn’t want me in his life in any way and he could care less to be in mine..
Him demeaning me… okay I get your point about him speaking sexually.. but him demeaning the way I dress and calling me crazy was extremely hurtful.
When you say I don’t understand why you’re hurt, maybe that is true but it’s because how you’re feeling is confusing. You’ll tell me you want to be a sex symbol to men, then do this, where you talk about how extremely hurtful it was for this man to have sexualized you in any kind of way. Maybe this is a sign that the road you’re thinking about traveling isn’t the one that represents the woman you either are or are trying to become.
Question, how come you never respond when I ask if I’m correct about you mentioning other men? And how you said you’d continue to like one until another came along who you liked more? Because I feel like that is a super important aspect as to why you’re so hung up on this dude you knew only two weeks.
What do you mean mentioning other men? Don’t get me wrong those things are for me … the pole dancing, sex icon ect…
I just feel so depressed … but I do feel like this one is different because I “felt” like he actually came correct and it wasn’t built on anything negative like the last men…
I was in a situationship with a man who had a fiance and I had not no idea. I had caught feelings for him … I was happy to be with him. I’m not proud of that time… but he loved her and I knew it. He called me her name without realizing it. That’s how I knew… I became so bitter. He still wanted to be friends etc and I tried but it was too much having to pretend that we didn’t have feelings for each other. Me alone wasn’t enough to make him stay. He said he loved me. A man never told me that
I blocked him….. I became depressed started drinking…
That’s when I started talking to the firefighter… and he wanted sex but felt too bad for me to fuck me… he didn’t want me to catch feelings after
So I thought maybe I found something real. I thought he could see through my facade and wanted to love me.
He called me her name a lot
Hey everything okay?
Hey! I’m doing all right love, how about you? Happy Saturday!
Happy Saturday ❤️ just checking!
You’re the best for that☺️ how’s everything going?
It’s going lol I’m slowly talking to someone else sexually
Although I’m glad you’re talking to someone else, you know I’m gonna keep it super real, and I feel like it’s too soon. I just don’t think there’s been adequate time for you to heal, then be talking to him sexually, it’s outside of your character in a way that I worry it will make you feel worse at some point. What happens if you start actually like him, only to realize he’s only interested in the sexual aspects? If this is what you want to do you know I’m not judging, just offering some perspective💛
**then by
Ik this is way tmi but I asked if I could practice oral on him.. he’s nice, he’s attentive, he cares
Is that something you actually want to do?
Like in a genuine way
Not really, but I need to feel something. I’m tired of feeling like nothing
Sigh, sometimes I just really don’t know what to say, babe. It’s like at heart you want love but looking for it in all the wrong places and all the wrong ways. This man you’re talking to is not genuinely caring and attentive, he’s familiarizing himself with you so you two are comfortable and not strangers when the link up happens to give him that BJ he’s expecting to have practiced on him. The sad thing is that once you catch feelings (because I can already tell you’re on your way), you will put yourself right back at square one, bitter and mourning the loss of this man. There will inevitably be a loss Chels, because you’re going into this under the guise of having casual sexual encounters, nothing serious. You’ve gone through so much pain trying to get over the African guy, why on earth would you ever put yourself in a position to be hurt again? I just don’t understand it, it’s like you refuse to do right by your own self.
Oh no, I don’t have feelings for this guy and I’m not attracted to him. He’s never even brought up sex with me.. I was the one who told him what I wanted…. I’ve been talking to him ever since I stopped talking to the African guy…
He was my drug plug first… but he has also been talking to me and he’s been there for me.
I want this. I call him daddy and it feels good to. I barely talk to my real dad..
TMI but I also want him finish on my face lmao 🤣
But I wasn’t messaging you to talk about this. I just wanted to say hello
I’m troubled. I really am and I don’t think there’s anything you can say… when something hurts me deep I have to deal with it the best way I can.
Thank you always ❤️ xoxo
Even if you don’t like him yet, once you’re intimate with him i feel like it would set you off. It was bad with the African and you two never even did anything, imagine opening this door…
I’m sorry I just have to be honest and say I don’t think this is the right path at all, you haven’t even gone to a therapist or dealt with your trauma. I know it’s been difficult trying to find someone, but I hope you’re not just giving up on the search altogether. Your mental health and overall betterment is worth it.
Anyway I’m really not trying to lecture you, obviously I’m no professional but I say what I say because I genuinely care and feel like you’re steeping back into this cycle of avoiding your pain by finding another man to focus on, who can potentially hurt you again. I’d hate for you to add another bad thing to your list and be worse than you’ve been😞 I just hope you don’t do anything you’ll regret and watch out for yourself.
Anyway thanks for checking in, I need to do more of that with you as well! Im here for support if you need me❤️
Random question by the way but have you ever had a serious, sit down conversation with your real dad about your feelings over the years? Has he ever addressed his downfalls or apologized?
I literally got extremely hurt by a guy that I really feel is possibly in the closet and I’m not saying that because he rejected me.
He’s trying to find the perfect girl that just doesn’t exist… okay I’m not good enough for him but he’s also in trouble… he can’t find the perfect girl bc his soulmate is probably a man… you truly don’t think so?
He has some things on his twitter in the past… gay jokes and friends joking with him about being gay or in the closet but it’s “jokingly “….
I just don’t know if there’s a answer I’m looking for or if I still have feelings for him
My dad is weak and strange. No thank you.
I know how you’re feeling Chels, I understand fr but I just don’t think you should be entertaining this man and talking about giving him oral. I want the best for you, but this isn’t it.
Even if he was weak and strange, you deserve a conversation. I think you need one too, just for closure that you never got.
He did give me the “closure “ over the phone and I was upset
He doesn’t want anything to do with me
What closure would I get exactly? He said he wanted sex eventually.. he told me he’s stressed with work and he has larger priorities to worry about…
I can’t imagine what he would say to me next… he will probably be meaner
I’m talking about your dad babe
I’ll consider it but I’ve had some animosity towards him over the years
Besides the fact that he felt I was unstable he was going to still go out with me? Basically proves that you can be crazy as long as you’re hot.
I disagree about the African guy, and don’t wanna get into that again. As for your dad, I just think a talk with him would be good because your relationship with him contributed to who you are now. I believe you mentioned that he was busy with his “new family”, and even though you saw him you felt left out. Now in current time you have an anxious attachment style. Imagine what a difference it could make for you to understand his frame of mind at that juncture of time in his life.
My dad wasn’t a bad dad. I don’t think he caused my attachment. I have a lot of issues with my mother. My dad wasn’t an absent father at all and I’m grateful for that. I feel like our issues started in my early 20s.
You think what happened in your 20s has something to do with this? It doesn’t have to start at childhood you know.
No not totally but I feel that it did put my foot on the gas and become wild… it escalated those feelings. I will say that
I won’t talk about it anymore. I’m getting tired but the pain still won’t go away
I’m experiencing the narcissistic discard and that’s why it’s so painful.
To he feels indifferent and to know that I’m super easy to let go of is hurtful
You can talk about it all you want! I’m here to listen, you know that. Everyone handles this sort of thing differently and you’re already having issues so it just makes the whole shit worse. I’m sorry.
I am a victim of his narcissistic behavior holly. I’m upset with how he discarded me
But ofc you’re going to say something to back him up.
I just wanted to say that. That’s all.
I never back him up, I just feel like you misinterpret what I say as defending him when I often reiterate with you that this isn’t the case. What value would our conversations have if I was constantly backing up everything you say about him, even when it isn’t fully accurate or fair? Don’t you feel like that would be fake on my behalf? I can’t help that I can see where things went wrong on both of your behalf’s. Now I’m not sure if I can call him a narcissist, I didn’t interact with him personally to pass that judgement. But based off what you say, it just sounds like a connection that didn’t work out.
I hate that you use the worst words to describe how things ended. You weren’t discarded and thrown away like trash, he walked away from a talking phase that wasn’t working for him. People should be able to walk away from a bad connection and not be so harshly condemned and vilified like this…
So ghosting after a date is just walking away right? Demeaning me regardless if he was comfortable enough is okay? It’s not to me.
Ghosting and then having the audacity to say certain things that he knows would hurt my feelings or hurt me
Ghosting in general isn’t ok, and I’ve said as much many times before. That wasn’t the right way for him to go about it. What I’m talking about is just the basic aspect of not connecting with someone and being able to walk away from them without hellfire on your heels.
As for demeaning you, Chels I feel like you just throw me for a tailspin all the time when it comes to your sexuality and how you want men to perceive it. How can you be degraded and uplifted at the same time? Hurt for one guy making you feel demeaned but willing to have conversations with another about what you’d like to do for him sexually? There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be sexual or perceived as some vixen, but you can’t pick and choose when this perception gets to be applied. You always carry it the moment you put it out into the world, and I believe that’s an image that deep down you don’t want men to have.
My point here is, your outrage, hurt or pain shouldn’t be limited to just that African guy when it comes to your sexuality and how men comment on it. You should have that same boundary for other men, and right now you’re showing that you don’t.
Me being a perceived “sex icon” has nothing to do with being who you made me believe you were in the beginning. He KNEW what I “was” and still had interest without disrespecting me ever? Until the end….
No, he switched up.
Yes because now I know I’m not worth it honestly so now I feel more comfortable with wanting to ejaculate on me. Why not
I don’t know love, I can’t think of anyone I’ve known for such a short amount of time that I felt I had a deep understanding of their character. He had no time to show you this person you believed he was in the beginning. I think you just set an unrealistic expectation and was disappointed when he didn’t meet it. He didn’t “know” you, you didn’t know him. And yes, you are absolutely worth a lot more than a drug dealer ejaculating on your face, and if that’s where you’ve lowered your self-value to… I just don’t have words. I wish you didn’t feel that way.
I didn’t set any high expectations… I just thought he came correct and wanted me for me. I thought he liked me and had enough care to be gentle with me
He discarded me for someone else. That’s what men do… they get mean to you when there is someone else.
Babe, they were high enough. This was the man you wanted to love you despite everything, stick through it all, be different, see something else in you, be gentle with you. Each thing is an expectation. I don’t care how fine the man is, how established in life or mature he is, he is a mortal man and has to earn any sort of expectation from me. This is a standard you should adopt as well.
This was two weeks of interaction, such short time to where I feel there doesn’t have to be anyone or anything else other than a bad date. I just think you’re trying to create a deeper reason, a “why”, even after you got on the phone and has that closure conversation. That’s why I ask why it can’t just be simple for him to walk away.
Yeah you’re totally right… I did jump right in…. But I felt that way after the fact… I felt he was genuine but ofc that was too early to tell
I agree but I do feel like he treated me bad in the end…
The day before the date he said he felt I was “unstable “ the next day he used the word crazy….
So he knows what he’s doing and he wasn’t careful with his words
That hurts holly.. and I don’t understand why you can’t see that…
I would have appreciated him saying “I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with you because you may become unstable or you may become attached “
My attachment was his biggest issue because he didn't want me…. No man that likes you cares if you get attached
In some ways I understand, in other ways I don’t, and this is mainly because I don’t feel like there was enough time to establish the connection for you to be this hurt over him.
Now I’ve definitely been hurt by a man during a dating phase, even felt hurt after a few dates and if not working out. I just haven’t experienced the sort of attachment that you’re feeling in such a span of time. And that’s ok, I don’t have to understand because you don’t need me to co-sign how you personally feel.
I guess in my mind, I don’t believe he hurt you that deeply. I think it’s a compilation of other shit and that was just the cherry on top. Sometimes all it takes is that one bad thing to send is over the edge.
You haven’t bounced back from this because you haven’t received professional help, I also think that’s why you’re stuck in this state of fixation, you just don’t know how to move on from this.
No holly I wanted to be with him. He found someone better and treated me like shit
That really impacted my self esteem to know I mean nothing to him and I’m easy to let go of…
He doesn’t want me in his life
You don’t know he found someone better, or at all. This is an assumption, babe. It’s ok if he didn’t want to continue, it wasn’t a long time. For as much as you think I don’t understand how you feel, I can’t understand this deep of an impact after such short time unless you had other trauma already.
He was never serious…. Not wanting to tell me his name… lie about what he does…. Why lie? So effortlessly at that… you’re missing some key points about him
If he “liked” me in the beginning he would have been honest
No one is serious that quick, Chels. At least not mature adults who know how to navigate the dating phase in a healthy way. I believe he was interested, explored the connection and ultimately made his decision to cut ties based off you two’s interactions. More specifically the very awkward and unusual date.
The fact he said you were unstable or that he didn’t wanna make you more crazy was completely uncalled for, but if that’s how he felt then it makes most sense for it to contribute to his choice.
Now you know I don’t mind talking about all this with you, I just think it’s a hurtful topic to keep rehashing. You aren’t speaking positively about yourself when you speak on him and I actually think it’s gone more and more downhill. Everything you’re saying just sounds like this was a lengthy relationship where he did you as dirty as any man ever could. It’s just horrible, and we don’t make any progress trying to understand each thing that happened in those two weeks.
I want you to rise up out of this, become a better version of you, but you have to want that as well.
What’s happening with this other guy? For the most part it sounds like he checks off important boxes for you with what you want from men, so why are you still hung up on the African? You know this guy way more, and he’s the one who’s actually in the picture right now while the other has been long gone.
He ghosted me… but I don’t feel hurt like I do with the African. I really wanted to be with him
You literally didn’t say anything about him demeaning me and calling me crazy,..
Nooo he ghosted? Shit why? I’m sorry Chels.
You probably won’t listen to me but please use this time to just be single for a bit. Don’t even deal with men and focus on healing right now, getting better.
I have definitely commented on him saying he thought having sex would make you “more crazy”. I believe we had a whole conversation on that actually lol there’s so many comments between us not even just under here so I wouldn’t even know where to reference it. But I do remember talking about both that and him calling you unstable.
I know the next question naturally would be like what’d you say Holly? I don’t remember verbatim but basically, I agree that it was wrong for him to call you those things, I’ve always said that. But what can we really say, you know? People are entitled to feeling how they feel. I don't know why he thought these things about you, but it’s the impression he got and I think it contributed a lot to his decision.
I get that you wanted to be with him, I believe you still do. To which I’d say this has just become unhealthy. Some days you condemn him, others you miss him and wish he stuck around. But you have to let it go.
I’m saying that he didn’t care enough to use better words… he used unstable the day before and even said “no offense “…. So why wasn’t he careful the next day… that’s what I’m saying… men are careful with making sure they don’t hurt your feelings… they usually care… so I knew he didn’t gaf when he used the word “crazy “… that’s a hurtful word to be called.
He knew what he was doing.
But he didn’t know you like that yet Chels. This is why I talk about you having too high of expectations, because how was he to know your triggers? Or what words hurt you and what words don’t?
I expect my fiancé to know when to be careful about what he says to me. I expect him to know how sensitive I am and how to have conversations with me that aren’t hurtful. He understands me now, but it took time for him to gain that knowledge and we will always have to work on it because new things are bound to happen, making new things for us to discover and learn.
You seem to have these expectations with someone you didn’t know. You expected this man to know how to handle you on your very first date within two weeks. You expected him to know you were hurt by him calling you unstable, or that it was demeaning to mention sex whatsoever on the date. You expected him to align with your idea of what men should and shouldn’t do.
That mindset should truly be actively unlearned. I promise I’m not bullshitting when I say I had ZERO expectations on my first dates. Mainly because it’s like setting myself up for disappointment if they didn’t live up to the image of them I created and I wanted make those men earn their fucking stripes.
I am not easily impressed or easily obtained, and you shouldn’t be either. You should’ve walked into that coffee shop with your head high, best outfit on, confidence outwardly through the roof even if you were a nervous wreck inside. You should’ve shown your power as a high caliber woman, engaged in conversation more and let him see what an amazing woman he’s be missing out on if he messed things up. He didn’t get a chance to experience that and I wish he did.
He KNEW ! Stop it!
He asked me in the beginning if I weee sensitive, but THAT doesn't MATTER. He was careful with what he said the entire time WHY did it change
You’re not listening to what I’m saying. At all.
He knows what he said was wrong and hurtful. Like stop it… you don’t have to know if someone is sensitive or not to know that certain words are harmful especially if he’s never used them before
Chels I’ve spent nearly 200 comments here and elsewhere LISTENING to you, so let’s please not do that. I don’t know what else you want me to say. No, I absolutely do not think he knew how to handle you and the fact that you not only expected him to, but lashing out about it just isn’t cool. You are the one that needs to stop.
I personally believe that truth should not be harmful to you. Why? Because if it’s false then why does it matter so much? I could give a shit what some dude I knew a few days has to think about me, my personality, what I wear, what I think, like who is he in my life? Especially on a first date? You and I can’t relate on that level because I would never ever walk into a brand new situation and handle how you did. I’m not even saying that rudely, it’s just a fact.
**that his truth
🥺😢 okay holly
I was supposed to be the sensitive one here lll I’m sorry Chels, not trying to hurt your feelings whatsoever. I’m blunt with what I say and I know it can read differently, but it’s coming from a genuine place. I can’t make you not care about what the African guy said, but I’m trying to instill in you that if he’s wrong then it shouldn’t matter. He was so new, his opinions or words shouldn’t matter or be so impactful, and I think you should do the work to reverse how much it has affected you. Words have power, so take the power away. Fun fact, I went on a date with a man who said my lips would look amazing on something other than my straw. On the first date! I got up and caught an Uber home, he blew up my phone with apologies and I blocked his ass. That is what you should be doing next time, you can have so much more control of the situation and how it goes.
I was just soooo surprised by that… I didn’t think he would say that to me. He could have just said I’m not feeling it… why was it hard to do that… why go the extra mile of trying to demean me
What extra mile?
Answer this: was he wrong?
No BUT I still have feelings. How you say things matter… especially when it comes from someone you want
And don’t forget he said all that to tell me he didn’t want a relationship… yet he was still open to sex… really?
If he’s wrong, it shouldn’t hurt your feelings and that’s my whole point here. I know that rising above takes a certain frame of mind, this is why I say to start building yourself up, so that you can be in a place where a man’s opinion doesn’t mean shit, at least not a new man. I have wanted men in the past and it didn’t work out, but I had to really trust god when he took me out of situations and away from certain men that I thought I wanted. I would love to see you have that same faith. You said your dads a preacher, you should have more faith than this.
I’m not mad at him telling me the truth.. I told you what the firefighter said…. It’s just how he said it… made me feel like he didn’t care about my feelings. That’s all I’m saying… why couldn’t he say “I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with you because I don’t like you in that way and I don’t want you to get attached because you’re not the one I want “….. he didn’t respect me and don’t you dare say it’s because of how perceived me bc that’s not the truth…. He never talked down to me before why now?
You can’t answer that
As women we will always appreciate a more gentle approach from men with what they say but that isn’t always what we get. Yes, he could’ve said something more flowery and sweet but in the moment it was just a dumbass comment for him to make, babe. Have you never said something that in hindsight you could’ve worded better or not have said at all? Like I was saying, he didn’t know you very well so while for him the comment was a joke you took it personal, and he didn’t notice. Of course you’re going to say I’m taking up for him but Chels I’m a regular ass person who would probably handle a date exactly like him. I don’t tie the same emotions to these things that you do, I really hold back completely until they are actively showing progression or consistent interest. This is just some advice on how you can handle the next situation in the future.
You are definitely making excuses for him. He wasn’t joking at all. No playful tone.. he didn’t even look at me when he said it
And you’re the one not being listened to.
You are definitely doing a great job today taking what I say out of context and making no reference to anything else I say except what you choose to comment on. Why out of that whole paragraph you felt the need to say I’m making excuses for him? Like you don’t want to hear me at all sometimes.
I can’t trust you, him or anyone because I constantly feel gaslit.
I’m crazy and I misunderstand things 🤷♀️ okay. I’ll just accept that I’m those things
My god.
It is what it is… we agree to disagree on it. He really didn’t care, he wanted sex and he thought less of me..
If that’s what you think, that’s fine babe.
Like you said I’m not content with how things ended and I’m hurt by it. Hopefully I can move past this.
It just hurts to know he doesn’t want anything to do with me and again his words hurt
But I should tell him to tip you lol he's a liar
Couldn’t even be honest his name or job
You should tell him to tip me? I don't know if you’re trying to push me away but these comments, saying you can’t trust me and shit that’s pretty messed up. Anyway it’s a busy day, I’m getting off here for a while.
Sure holly
I’m just going through the motions again. It comes in waves. Enjoy your day
I know. Take care for now💛
I think I need to send one more message to end this madness…. I know it’s crazy, I’m crazy, he thinks I’m crazy… this is crazy… I think maybe I need to
Absofuckinglutely not Chels! Lol I have so much love for you but I don’t support that! Let that man go babe this is horrible.
There’s nothing to end with him, it’s been over here’s no madness. It’s only you in your own head making yourself feel crazy.
**there’s no madness
What’s so bad about it?
I’ll do it and get therapy later
I don’t feel like I can talk you out of that. I really wish you wouldn’t, I don't know what purpose that serves you.
It was two weeks Chels.
I’m incredibly disappointed with this decision
I expected this to come from Holy Holly lol
Lmao why do I have to be Holy😭
You’re supposed to be pumping me up to do this.
Absolutely not! Why would I pump you up to do this? What do you gain? Because you already got closure and you didn’t accept it. Nothing will make you feel better but having him. You have to leave him alone.
He’s not straight… can’t be
…… girl, what’s that have to do with anything right now?
You just wanna argue huh lol is the topic you thinking he’s gay or has a girlfriend?
I’m doing it… idc anymore
Ik it’s crazy and I should leave him alone. He’s probably going to call me crazy… if he already thinks I am anyway then what does it matter
He needs to know that I’m not some punk bitch.
Will it make me feel better? I don't know but at least I can say that I shot… he’s done nothing but demean me… but I think he needs some demeaning and devaluing back.
So ridiculous and childish Chels. Do what you want.
Ridiculous maybe but how is it childish? Is he not childish?
Childish for sure because you are not trying to move on. You can never convince me anymore that you’re trying when you are doing your damndest to hang on and be bitter.
If you feel like you’ve made any sort of healing progress, this will just toss you all the way back to square one. I mean what will you say? “I know it was only two weeks, one date and it’s been months since you’ve even thought of me but I’ve been suffering from your rejection all this time and you’re an asshole for walking away. An asshole for not loving me through my bullshit and you had no right to be disinterested. In fact, you were a jackass for your comments on the date, I’m still not over it and I also think you’re gay by the way! Fooled ya! Oh and I saw your ass at that grocery store with a woman, I didn’t see your face but I KNOW it was you! Sorry it wasn’t enough last time that I blew up your phone, had my friend cuss you out but I really needed to hear from you, and I needed to talk! Thanks for the closure, I know you didn’t want to make me feel bad but you still did! I’m still not over you, I really want us to try again despite all this shit I’m saying and how much I’ve come to hate you!”
Looks accurate to me.
Mmmm no.
So remember when I Texted him last time pretending it was the wrong person… well I was going to apologize and say whoops sorry I thought you were so and so and just add in some other pieces
I’m not bitter Holly… but he did me wrong
Sorry Chels, that was a very sarcastic comment on my end, I’m not trying to make you feel any kind of way. I’m just so fucking frustrated and disappointed because I don’t know what else you want from this man. You have already acknowledged your past how this is just the final straw, on top of other shit you haven’t dealt with yet. So to me, it’s not fair to make him solely responsible for 20+ years of your accumulated hurt, depression, anger, and poor sense of self worth. You wake up focused on him and lay your head down just the same, day after day while he’s living his life, moved on. How fucking embarrassing and creepy would it be for you to pop up AGAIN, still not over him. Go ahead and give him that god complex, let him think he’s just THAT bomb he has you sprung for months afte one date. He will think you can’t get no one else.
Oof… maybe you have a point…
I just can’t handle being worthless to him…
But he did say we can check in every now and then…. I did then so I can now?
Because it’s true. What you’re looking for, you won’t find with him. If he was the tip of the iceberg then nothing will make you feel better except professional help. You don’t know how to deal with your feelings on your own anymore and you’re spiraling. I doubt you are talking to anyone close to you IRL about this, so you’re in your own troubled mind making this situation worse and worse and worse. In reality you should be giving this much time, focus and care to your own betterment, but it’s like you gave up. It’s hurtful to me that three months ago in February you were doing a lot better, going to the gym, working on yourself. Now it’s nothing but ways to get back at him, as if you’ve abandoned your own journey. I hate that for you so much because you have so much potential Chels.
He did not mean that and you know it. That was a consolation prize.
Because it’s not okay to hurt someone Holly… I just can’t accept that that he intentionally tried to hurt me … and I don’t feel like I deserved that type of treatment.. I get I’m not perfect and I have issues but why would he try to connect with me emotionally and then dump me as if I’m nothing…
He wanted to know about past relationships.. he wanted to talk to me safely whatever that means… just for him to not give af about anything I shared… when it was already hard to trust him…. I’m just so hurt by that more than the rejection itself… like why… what’s so wrong with me that you have to stoop that low to hurt me
He’s not the source of your hurt Chels. You need to deal with your past shit and heal. Stop making him the sole culprit of why you are where you are and feeling how you’re feeling.
He didn’t stoop so low Chels! I mean damn you’re acting like you were together for a long time, engaged and he cheated with your sister or something. You are putting that much hurt into him saying sex would make you crazier or the comment about your dad. I’d be saying fuck him if I were you not be down this bad over some words. Words that you say are false and don’t agree with by the way.
I just didn’t expect him to treat me that way… that’s what I’m trying to say… I’m just still in denial idk…
That’s why I feel like it’s necessary to send it
Didn’t we have a conversation about expectations before? And you said you didn’t have any? Well, here is an example. You expected A, got B, and your dissatisfied. In the future, I wouldn’t expect anything from a man in such a short frame of time. That’s not enough time to know his he washes his draws correctly and wears new ones every day let aloneee gain any real indication of his character. YOU gave him a character, you stuck him in a box and that’s your fault. Don’t do that shit.
He did stoop low!!! It doesn’t matter now you’re invalidating how I feel just because it happened in a short time
He stooped low, you stooped low too. There are no winners or saints you were both fucking wrong. Except you don’t wanna look at how you were wrong because it’s too anxiety and embarrassment inducing. You wish you didn’t do xyz, or that he didn’t do xyz. Shoulda could've woulda!
I only reacted!! Omfg … okay. I’m done.
I won’t do it… nobody can take this pain away
Thank you!! I am glad you are deciding not to do it. Therapy will help, you need professional guidance because this is bigger than him Chels and you know that. Rather than focus on him focus on yourself fuck a man.
Whatever he got his karma… in the hospital and stressed at his job… wish it was more but ig that’s good enough
I was doing good before him! I was not thinking about NO NIGHA.. I had got over the other one… 😭
Sorry if I have to get on your ass and be mean, it’s out of character but sometimes people need firm responses and now you are not making the biggest mistake of your fucking life.
And you’re gonna do fine after him babe! But that can’t happen while you still have to teeth sunk in him. Let him go for real and watch the change.
I can’t shake how disposable I feel. That’s the hardest thing I’m dealing with..
You don’t have to apologize. I understand… thank you 🥺
I understand how you are feeling and I’ve never taken away from that, I’ve said before how you feel is valid but what you’re doing is not. If you feel disposable, I don’t think he’s the sole cause. Please re-read that, he can have a part but not the SOLE. You’ve got to start healing Chels you deserve to feel
Better.
And no problem, it’s nothing but love even when it’s the tough kind💛
If you really feel like he wasn’t trying to hurt me then why did he?
Because he doesn’t know you like that babe. He doesn’t know your triggers, what will hurt you or what won’t, there was no time to learn that about you. What’s more is I bet on that date you were sitting there either stone faced or trying to smile/laugh on occasion. Basically everything other than looking upset. So if there’s no indicators, and you didn’t tell him something bothered you right when it did, then how would he know? You’re sitting there haha and kiki-ing, everything other than being like why tf would you say that sir?
You don’t have to know someone to know that certain things hurt. I don’t believe that
You can only speak for yourself in that Chels. I know I wouldn’t know jack shit about what hurts someone or doesn’t after 2 weeks if they didn’t specifically tell me. Stop being so self centered in your way of thinking.
So I have to know someone for a long time to know that something hurts?
Stop gaslighting me and making it seem like I someone doesn’t know what they’re doing
That’s not gaslighting, it’s you being self centered Chels. You can’t expect people to handle things how you would handle them or how you think it should be handled. I feel like that’s a basic thing to understand. I’m sorry but if I say something and it secretly offends the person yet they don’t tell me, I’m not gonna know.
Hey Holly.. hope your morning is going good 😊
I finally found a therapist.. I’m nervous to talk about it…
But just wanted to let you know
❤️❤️✅
That is amazing news Chels oh my goodness!! I’m so happy you found someone, is it virtual or in person?
Virtual
And she’s not crazy expensive
Not bad :) let me know how it goes!
I’m Kind of confused on why I need it… I feel like this was just a matter of different opinions on this. I just don’t know what I would talk about… besides the fact that it sucks
Sure this could be a topic in therapy but I think it’s bigger than that, and hoped she helps you open up to talk about those things. They may have a deeper effect on your life than you realize.
**hopefully
Oh okay
I am quite obsessed with him 🥺I can’t believe he don’t want me
Oh well
I know, that’s why I’m hoping this will help you move past him once and for all 💛
Was I the one who fucked things up
I think you both played your parts.
I think he had a girlfriend or someone else but okay
I’d rather not get into that again if that’s ok.
Yes… I do wish I was enough tho
Intrusive thought but I really could use a line of coke 😭
What’s going on right now? Are you just nervous or something?
Im scared she won’t help me.. like it will be the 7th unhelpful person
Try not to set your expectations too high just yet. No matter what, remember she’s a human just like you, and there’s always the chance that she won’t say the things you need to hear. It’s a risk, and just in general it can be hard finding a therapist you’re compatible with. Fingers are crossed that this woman is the right one, but if she’s not it will be ok. There will always be another person, and hopefully they’re the one that works best for what you need.
Okay 😅🤍 thank you 🥺
No problem babe! Here’s hoping it goes well💛
I can’t take it anymore Holly. I did it. I sent the text
I didn’t deserve that treatment and you know that.
I’m not a nobody.
I just hate myself. I wish I were dead. I just can’t believe this. I can’t take it
Well, what did your text say?
Everything I told you about him. Dl, trans, jerk everything in the book
If the goal was to make him think you were somebody, this wasn’t gonna do it.
Well, I guess that’s that then Chels. Jesus Christ.
What does it matter? If he thinks I’m nobody anyway
Because now you look foolish. I don’t know what else you want from this man but congrats on giving him another opportunity to pity you and laugh. I wanted you to avoid that so much, and disappointed.
If he devalued me and discarded me.. what does pity and laughter do? Like seriously
Just a thought
It does nothing for you, that’s for sure.
It’s called getting your lick back
It’s not fair that I have to sit through this unnecessary pain for 6 months
I didn’t deserve that
Okay and what happens when that doesn’t pay off Chels? He may not answer or say shit to you besides more fucking pity. Yeah that’s gratifying, having a man turn his nose down at you as if you aren’t already feeling low enough. There’s no lick to get back in this situation and I’m hoping a professional can help you see that better than I can. This shit is embarrassing and shameful. Never in my life would I show a man I knew for 5 minutes that months later I’m still down bad over him. No way in hell.
It’s about him doing me wrong and I’m reminding him… I’m saying what I should have said earlier
Smh, I don’t have anything else to say about it. This was embarrassingly low Chels I just cannot deal.
Hope you feel a lot better now hun!
What about him?
I didn’t send anything but I really really want to
What about him? I imagine he’s moved on with his life. He’s probably forgotten about you and will be shocked to see yet another message from you. Then he will think back, have an aha moment and remember you, those two weeks and that one date ages ago, then feel bad for you all over again. Wonderful.
I don’t have anything else to say about it Chels. I did not want him to have another opportunity to see you like that.
So why are you saying you sent something then? What’s the point in that?
Why would he not remember me
I don't know so that you could let me know why it’s a bad idea
You could’ve just asked me if I thought it was a bad idea, because I would’ve had the same “hell no” energy either way. As for why he wouldn’t remember you, for the average person they would not. Mainly because it was a short time, several months ago. It’s not “normal” to be hung up like this how you are, so long after without much having happened to cause this. In a way, I think you’re making the things that did happen super big and dramatized in your head to justify having the exact same feelings of hurt and resentment that you did months ago, if not worse.
Well… yeah… half a year ago huh…
He really played me… taking two days to reply… he was always a jerk Holly… he never liked me. He never wanted anything but sex … he tried to flip it.
I don’t feel like he “really” played you at all. The worst he did besides ghosting was saying that he thought sex would make you more crazy, and the comment about if your dad knows what you wear or whatever. All I can do is put myself in your shoes and genuinely ask myself how I would handle that situation, and no matter how many times I repeat that routine, I can never understand how what happened was so deeply devastating and hurtful. Maybe it’s because I choose to date an entirely different and I’d never let a man i knew for such short time get to me that way. Or maybe it’s because my sense of self is much different than yours. I don’t know, I think we will always have a disconnect when it comes to understanding, and it’s simply because I wouldn’t do what you do, or have done. When I’m giving you my advice, it’s with a bad bitch mentality that I feel like I’m trying to make you see within yourself and you reject it over and over. I want you up here with me Chels! It’s so much better.
I agree… I do need bad b mentality.. but I just don’t see myself that way… nor do I feel that way…
Men start to change and be mean to the woman they are lying to …. But him possibly struggling with his sexuality is a real thing too that you’re overlooking
So how do we get that mentality instilled into you? So you aren’t giving so much of a fck about any of this so soon?
About his sexuality, and him being in a relationship, here’s how I feel at this point in time. As I’ve said, I’m fine talking about whatever with you, that’s what I’m here for, but my question is the “why”. Like we have talked about his sexuality and his relationship status so many times. We’ve picked both topics apart, and in the end ultimately just do not agree.
I just feel like I can’t wrap my head around why he had to devalue and discard… I feel that’s narcissistic
This is where the disconnect happens for us hun, because I just can’t understand “how” you feel so discarded and devalued by the interactions that you mentioned. Have you dealt with men in a serious way before? Like maybe not a boyfriend but someone you’d go on dates with, hang out with, etc? Don’t worry I’m not asking for any condescending reasons.
But I told you that I don’t want love anymore. I hate that I’m not who he wanted
But for now on I’m a maneater
Yeah but I don’t understand… they even wouldn’t say anything like that…
So not really. Maybe that’s why this guy stuck out so much.
Okay so You’re not who he wanted, oh fucking well Chels. There will be men who want you and men who don’t. Just as there will be men you want and don’t want, we are humans. I’d personally rather focus on the ones that do want me, if I were you. Unless you’re gonna say you don’t have options then that can contribute to this as well.
I don’t have options as far as guys that I actually really like and connect with and want..: it’s rare for me to want somebody so much tbh…
But I am looking for men who can join my onlyfans tho…
And you don’t really care anymore to connect with men that you could actually want, which is fine. But in a past-tense perspective, maybe that’s why this is so hard. You haven’t had options as for the sort of men you want, then you come across one you want, he didn’t want you back and now you can’t let him go. That is a scarcity mindset. You wouldn’t be so upset that he doesn’t want you if you had an abundance mindset and told yourself there will be others like him who want me, vs you won’t find that again so it stings that he didn’t want you.
No I think I genuinely liked him but you’re right…
You put a lot of emphasis on me not being the girl for him… has it ever occurred to you that he’s 37 and he’s still not with anyone… the fact that he’s on tinder… no social media presence..
I can’t be the issue here… you put so much on me making it seem like I’m the big fuck up here and undermining everything he’s said or done as if it’s not much…
There’s so many signs that you downplay… I’m sorry…
He’s not the man he thinks he is
That was one of my talking points in either our first or second ever conversation. Except my point of reference with his age was that it could contribute to why he wasn’t serious or settling down. See, at the time I didn’t have the full scope of who you were or what was going on, I’d almost been dismissing this as an older man with a younger woman, and while you wanted to get serious, he didn’t.
In a way, I still think age plays a hand. When you think about it, he’s already been through a lot of the most significant dating experiences he could have, he understands women and has a certain approach. I’m not saying he’s savvy when it comes to women, I don’t know his character. Still, I think having a certain amount of experiences or even few but major relationships, he has his own approach to women now.
Who knows what he’s looking for truly, in present time.
Also, I put so much emphasis on your wrongdoings because you refuse to do so yourself in several instances. A lot of growing as a person and a woman is having some deep moments of self reflection, being real with ourselves. Taking accountability even when we don’t want to, even when it’s hard. I give you a mirror in each conversation we have, and make you take a look at yourself and your actions. That is why we clash, and that’s what you fight me on.
You don’t think I haven’t took accountability? I’m going to therapy
I can see the things that I could have did differently but I don't know what accountability you’re talking about in this situation…. I've just reacted to his jerk behavior
Going to therapy is amazing and good for you In an overall sense. But you’re not going specifically for what happened with this guy. When I talk about accountability, it’s about where you went wrong in THIS situation. I can’t mention someplace you went wrong without you immediately countering it with what he did, if he’s in a relationship, if he’s gay. You can’t say “I did xyz” without “well he did this, you never talk about that Holly”.
Because I don’t feel like I did anything wrong or hurtful so that’s why I’m confused
Like honestly what did I do? What part do you think I need to take accountability
Are you kidding? I’ve noted those things several times in this conversation alone.
…. Mmm no. In all seriousness I don’t feel that you did… just the placeholder thing
Well aside from the placeholder comment, calling him a liar wasn’t cool, being mute on your date, not really engaging or ordering your own food, blowing up his phone, having your friend cuss him out, whatever else I’ve failed to mention. These are missteps, faults, things you could’ve done better or differently.
I personally don’t think those things are bad. I called him out on his shady behavior because it was shady… and I didn’t want to go on a date with someone that I felt was hiding something or he wasn’t being honest. That’s my safety
Those other things… I’m just a shy person and I don’t feel I have to take accountability for that but I should work on it,..
I know I’m wrong for blowing up his phone and having my friend curse him out. I should have took his no response as not interested
Okay, you personally don’t think those things were bad and you don’t personally have to. From an outside perspective, those things absolutely contributed to why things ended how they did. You make excuse after excuse after excuse, everything but acknowledge those things were not cool, just as the things he did weren’t cool. Okay you’re trying to be safe, whatever Chels, these were still wrong.
…. I truly don’t think those things contributed to why things happened… I don’t think he ever liked me and I don’t think he ever wanted something serious etc
If you don’t think those things contributed then you’re either in denial or too ashamed/embarrassed of those actions to take ownership of them. I personally don’t understand how those few things he did got so blown up and hurtful but I do not personally have to understand why you did what you did or feel how you do. That is me looking outside of myself and realizing not everyone is going to feel how I feel or do what I think should be done.
Yes, you absolutely have to take accountability for your shyness when it caused you to be essentially mute during your date. You don’t think that was awkward for him? If you won’t step outside of yourself and consider how he could’ve felt in those moments, then that’s just selfish.
I started going mute after he asked me when I was last intimate. Then the devaluing part… I felt he only wanted sex so that’s why I didn’t feel it was necessary because in my head I knew we probably weren’t going to go on another date..
And that was not the right move. In hindsight, you should’ve spoken up for yourself, placed some boundaries and did so in a way that made you the most comfortable. I’m as shy as they come, but I also understand that loving myself is respecting myself and expecting men to do the same. It also means standing up for myself even when I’m afraid, uncomfortable or anxious because I avoid confrontation like the plague, I hate it. But it’s necessary.
Then for that to be your excuse, you thought he only wanted sex so it’s ok to have went silent, is not good enough. No matter what your justifications are or were, none of it changes the facts that at that date he was sitting there trying to navigate a very awkward situation and woman. If I were you I would hate that too but there’s nothing else to do but learn from it and do better. If I sat recounting my shoulda could've woulda’s I’d be single and bitter right now.
Heavy on the “if I sat recounting”, because that is what I would personally do! Let me clear that up now before you stomp your foot and say I’m calling you single and bitter😩
I went on the date thinking that we were coming to get to know each other and see if we would be good idk… I was just in denial and disbelief honestly… stuck … bc I couldn’t believe it.
What was the point of the date honestly?
I do think the date was a good opportunity to get to know each other, and you both messed it up. You for being virtually silent and not engaging as much as you could’ve, and him for making making you feel disrespected with his comments. Neither of you can take back what was done, it is what it is and it’s over babe.
I’m hurt because why would he even want to say something he knows he can’t come back from…
That’s why I conclude that he has someone bc whyy
Why did he not care about my feelings
He can clearly come back from it because you still can’t get over the man after only one date nearly 7 months ago Chels. That says a lot about the impression he made on you, the fact that you can tear him down but simultaneously want him to want you still. It’s outrageous babe. Then you expect him to just magically know he’s saying hurtful things when you don’t tell him as much. And please don’t say it’s common sense, because I personally don’t even understand it. These feelings are so extreme and unwarranted in my mind. You’re entitled to the feelings but they don’t have to make sense to me.
Stop being ridiculous and oblivious to the fact that someone knows when they are saying something hurtful! If I were to call you crazy on a first date why would that not hurt you and like I said he knew what he was saying because he was careful with his words the day before
****if someone were to call crazy on a first date
I was thinking of two scenarios at once and put it together accidentally
If I were to call someone crazy that would be intentionally bc ik the word crazy is hurtful
No one is going to call me crazy on a date because nothing about my actions or character can even suggest as much. He didn’t just say that out of the blue, it came after he’d already said you were unstable or should take some time to yourself before dating. We don’t have to know his reasons for it but that’s the impression of you he got.
And nooo Chels, sometimes people do not know what they’re doing is hurtful. If I were to tell you that when you lash out it hurts me, are you going to say you knew that your words towards me were harsh or agree that you even lashed out? Probably not. You will justify it, say you were expressing yourself, speaking out of emotion or whatever, and probably hurl some shit at me further, maybe drag my poor fiancé into it. You have a very hard time taking accountability babe.
Yes but he also gave me the impression that he cared about my well-being.. oh and he did say that Holly… he ASKED me how to talk to me… so you really think I’m going to act like he didn’t know what he was doing?
Fuck that. He did. I was under the impression that he cared enough to protect how I feel
I think I’m really going to send the letter. I’ll just use the check in here and there excuse
I think what I’m going to start doing from now on is pointedly reference each time you set your expectations too high, so that you can understand what I’m talking about. You got the IMPRESSION he would do xyz, and were disappointed that he did not meet that expectation. You were under impressions that you created in your own mind. Okay so at some point he asked you how to talk to you and didn’t do exactly that, who cares Chels? You are acting like you’re not human at all and have never had a human misstep or fuck up, mind you you have made a ton. If I said “talk to me as if the sun shines out of my ass, I’m very sensitive”, and the next time I see the guy he doesn’t do exactly that, I’m sorry but I’m not gonna have a meltdown. I’m not going to care at all after 2 weeks! Same goes for him he calls me crazy, or slutty, like is it true? If not then why would my feelings be hurt? I would have to care a whole lot about his opinion of me, and after 2 weeks I promise I couldn’t give a damn. Not how you’re giving a damn at least.
I don’t even know why his opinion of how you present yourself sexually matters anyway, you’re all geared up for only fans and recruiting men.
Fuck it Holly. I’m sending that text. I just need to get my lick back
I’m going to let you see what I wrote when I’m done typing it out….. one point I will make is that “maybe if the Bible wasn’t so far up your mother’s ass she would accept that she has a deeply closeted son who fetishizes trans women and has possibly already fucked one. You don’t like women… you’re attracted to them but deep down thats not what you really want. You’re a complete narcissist who really deep down can’t accept himself. I feel sorry for you.”
That’s part of it… the most important piece of this
You do what you gotta do Chels.
How does that sound Holly? That’s what I’m askin
Like shit Chels, it sounds fucking horrible and childish. I can’t believe you.
You are down baaad… like bad bad I could never relate.
Like Chels this is embarrassing I’m actually concerned.
About whatttttt?
How am I down bad?
You think you’re so better. Whatever Holly
Well I have t wanted to say if because I’m not trying to make you feel any kind of way but this is embarrassing girl fr. I’d never ever let a man see me sweat like this let alone get a message from me six months later. I am the prize! Hello! I’m a bad bitch. Aren’t you? No?
**well I haven’t wanted to say it
I don’t think I’m better than anyone Chels I’m trying to bring you up here! Because this shits hard to watch I don’t keep any women around me who think this bad of themselves.
Not really no
No? Well why not?
Can you just help me with this letter please.
No I don’t think I’m a bad bitch. You’re mixed.. life is easier
How is what I said terrible?
The letter is fucking pathetic Chels I would never help you humiliate yourself like that. And please don’t do that colorist bs my life is no cake walk. I just hold myself to a certain standard, I hold my friends to that standard as well as hold them accountable for their bullshit and I expect the same from them. Like I said, I don’t keep women around me who do this. What do you want with his pity? Is that your lick? For him to feel even more bad for you and think you’re even crazier? Stop it.
Why on earth would he feel bad for me? He should be mad!
Why not? Gotta be pretty hurt and down bad to dm this dude after 6 months over 3 weeks and a date. I know I’d pity the person for sure.
Sorry two weeks! Two weeks Chels.
You think calling him closeted and gay is supposed to be some sort of epic diss when it’s fucking not. These are two inaccurate statements that’s you’ve overthought so much you’ve validated and confirmed these things. For the average person, that is not a diss if it isn’t true. Just like I wouldn’t be offended over his comments when they’re not true.
He is closeted gay tho
So why did he reject me?
His parents were visiting for some time and when they left he was searching for sex… this was a sexual quest
Anyway.
Wym ‘anyway?’….
Anywaaay moving on. When’s your first therapy session?
Hollyyyyyyy
It’s Tuesday
I’ll send it to him then start a new….
So in a few days! This is exciting, good for you.
🥺🥺 I don’t believe the message is bad
He’s gay!
I’m convinced you either don’t want to send it or trying to have me talk you out of it because I don’t know why we’re lamenting about you potentially sending that shit. You know I don’t agree with it, I think it’s embarrassing as a woman and I’d never ever do that, but that’s me. If YOU wanna do it, go right ahead Chels. It has no effect on my life, the most I can do is show you some sort of support after you send it because I already know it won’t do Jack shit for your self esteem, sense of worth and will absolutely not “get your lick back”. He’s gotta care about you to feel as deeply bad as you want him to feel, and I don’t think that exists. Sending that message will only incite pity, he will feel bad that even after your closure phone call, 6 months later you can’t get over him. And you’re hurling accusations that would ensure that door is closed right and locked, like fuck a future “check in”. But again, that’s for you to experience.
What could I possibly do to make him come back or just realize that he made a mistake …?
Nothing Chels he isn’t interested. That shits weird stop it.
Weird how?
Nothing some voodoo can’t fix
Why are you treating me as if you agree with him that I’m not good enough for him and as if “no he’ll never want you “
I’m not a nobody
It’s weird, point blank period and if you wanna be a weird bitch and not a bad one then go ahead but those aren’t the women I keep around me or socialize with. Like that shits humiliating and the fact that you’re even asking repeatedly “how” just shows either your lack of awareness or your desire to argue.
There’s no way on earth you can call anyone oblivious when you act like this.
Sometimes I just have ocd.. it’s not intentional.. but I’m having anxiety about it again so I tend to ask questions
You’re lamenting, and about to do some weird embarrassing ass high school shit. If you wanna send it go right ahead babe I’m done trying to convince you of otherwise.
I have high functioning anxiety so I get it but these questions you’re asking me aren’t going to get the result you want. You keep asking about the message or threatening to send it, like what are you wanting me to do Chels? I can’t make you not send it and I’m not gonna fight you tryna convince you of otherwise. I’ve never seen a woman so eager to tear herself down.
Oh no I wasn’t threatening to send it… ok that’s all on me. I just don’t understand why I’m so bad
“Fuck it Holly I’m sending that text, I need to get my lick back”
“I’ll send it to him and start anew”
“can you help me with this letter please” “I don’t believe the message is that bad”
So you’re either joking and I just can’t tell since it’s through text or you’re trying to gaslight me, because how are those comments not threats about sending the text? It’s like you’re trying to antagonize me so I’ll keep trying to talk you out of sending it and that’s messed up. Sorry for caring about your well-being but this isn’t fucking funny to me. I’m so upset with you Chels.
I don’t know why you’re so bad, I’ve been trying to understand for a long time and just don’t. But like I said, I think there will always be a disconnect because I’d never be like this over a man, so I can’t relate.
Oh I’m sorry. I won’t mention the letter anymore
You do whatever you have to do babe
Hey love! I just remembered you had your session on Tuesday, how did it go?
Hey Holly, I was just going to reach out to ask you something… it went well. I feel like she listens and I felt comfortable… she just asked questions ect…. I feel like I was telling her everything but I feel like I need to deeply unpack how I feel. I feel like I wasn’t able to dive deep… but ig this is day one…
I feel like I don’t understand what I’m supposed to share or I don’t understand how she’s supposed to help me with this situation
I feel you Chels but remember you aren’t speaking with her just to specifically talk about that. Open up about the other things, even if they troubled you in the past. It could help make sense of why you’re feeling this way now.
What much can she do if I haven’t been diagnosed?
I could be totally wrong so don’t quote me but I’m pretty sure therapists can diagnose although it may take a while. In any case, try giving her a chance. Maybe the first session wasn’t what you hoped it be, you may not have even gotten much from it but hopefully as time goes she’ll be able to help in a fundamental way.💛
I just don’t want to be here anymore Holly. I want to do that assisted suicide thing
Oh Chels, I’m sending you all the love, hugs and prayers. You have such a beautiful spirit, don’t let hardships take that from you, especially not a mortal man. I know you’re hurting a lot right now, I’m more ways than I could imagine, but if I can be the optimist here let just say that this time in your life will not last forever. My 20s were rough, almost all of the pain and hurt I experienced were caused by men, and you could probably say the same as of now. You just have to start living for yourself, take a serious break from dealing with men and commit to doing the work. You can rise from this, I know you can, but it won’t happen if you don’t step away from men, that means only fans, stripping, anything where you degrade yourself just to feel wanted by them. It’s not worth it.
I just don’t think you truly understand. I’m really just tired. Tired of failing, tired of being unhappy, tired of not being enough. I really am exhausted and there’s nothing else to it
Failing, being unhappy, these are things you can turn around babe. You’re absolutely right, I don’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I know you can get through it. Where are your friends in person? It’s Saturday, maybe you could all go out and do something, get you out of the house!
I finally know what I’m going to message him
I have it in my notes
Nobody wants me as a friend holly. You’re only my friend bc you pity me
I’ve never ever pitied you Chels, I just relate to you, I struggled with a lot of what you’re going through so I just get it and that’s why I’m always here for you, I really hope you can understand that. I’m not even saying you’re a great person or any of that to make you feel better, I just genuinely believe it from an outside view. You are not your circumstances and you are not what any man has put you through.💛 as for the message, I thought you said you didn’t mean that or weren’t sending anything?
I feel so tempted to send it. I just want him to know that I know that he loves chicks with dicks and he’s nasty and dl
I shouldn’t be the one feeling bad about myself
But you feeling bad about yourself is bigger than just about him honey
True Holly but he still needs to pay. I still feel the need to get my lick back. Even if he doesn’t care I still did it
So you did send it? If so then what did you say?
I didn’t send it… saving it for a day I get upset again.
I’m still tweaking it..
: My apologies.. it took me a minute to realize that I deleted the wrong “Craig” out of my phone some months back. I think this number belongs to the Nigerian guy who I believe is secretly in the closet.
I think if parents didn’t have the Bible so far up their ass, they’d either accept their son is gay or he’d feel more comfortable.
I think the reason why you’re having trouble finding your “perfect “ partner is because your soulmate is a man or a chick with a dick.. more so a chick with a dick.
Again my apologies. Wrong ‘Craig’ this the down low and dirty Craig from tinder 🤮
How does that sound? 😃
I’m gagged Chels I don't know what to say about that😭 You’ve been fixating on sending this for a while and no matter what I say it just keeps coming up, so if you really feel the need to send that message then go ahead babe. I’m not gonna stop you.
I’m lowkey scared to send it but … I gotta do what needs to be done.
I wonder if he’ll ignore me, block me, try to call me and raise his voice at me or say something mean back.
I just need buttons to be pressed
How does the message sound though?
You already know how I feel about the message, no matter how you write it I think it sucks and I wish so much you’d just move on from him and that date already. We’re damn near into June Chels, how exactly do you think that’s going to make you look? You say you’re so offended and hurt over him even using the word crazy, yet ready to do something like this. I could not imagine a man that I went on one date with many months ago, popping up in my dms and throwing all that slander at me out of the blue. I’d be concerned for my safety to an extent because of how angry that message is after so much time has passed, and hardly any time having known him. To even realize that he’s still thinking about me and progressively getting more mad and resentful of me even after all this time is disturbing. I’d block that man, and hope he doesn’t dig up another route of contacting me, in which case I’d probably consider some sort of restraining order to keep them away. But that is just me and how I would respond to such a message.
Alright… you gotta point even though I have no interest in stalking or finding other ways to contact him. That’s too much work
But I do need to relax… I just have a hard time getting over how I felt he treated me and I want to press buttons in return.
What are you saying? That im crazy and he’ll put a restraining order on me?
How hurtful Holly. I’m blocking you for that. You think low of me. I don’t need this
I don’t think you’d do anything like that babe, I’m just saying that is how I would personally feel if I received that kind of message after so much time.
You know I respect whatever your choice is and like I said, you’ve been fixating on this for a long time so if it’s what you feel like you need to do then I’m not judging. I would just much rather help you find ways to move on than to encourage any kind of thing that keeps you stuck in this dark space, which includes sending that message.
I get it, you want to press his buttons, get your lick back, you want him to feel even just a bit of what you’re feeling. The thing is, he won’t hurt how you want him to hurt because there was never a chance for him to develop such care for you.
I am not a professional by any means but I feel like the place you’re in psychologically isn’t something many people can relate to. Like your fixation and hurt over this doesn’t make sense to me, and won’t make sense to him, so he wouldn’t fundamentally understand where you’re coming from in order to give you the reaction you’re looking for. It’s as if you are experiencing heartbreak over a lengthy relationship and not many can understand “how”.
I just don’t understand why he had to hurt me that’s all… he just discarded me
I really thought you could see passed his bs
What do you think would help you move past this Chels?
The damage is done… I just wanted to feel like a human with feelings even if he didn’t feel the same way.
I don't know
You can feel like a human with feelings and give him nothing to do with that.
He lied Holly. He did. Nothing was genuine
About what?
I’ll just say he showed his true colors and intentions regardless if he didn’t want to sleep with me
I took an assessment today…. She gave me one…
Oh Chels that’s great! How did it go?
Or what was it for?
She said I’m possibly on the spectrum for autism… but I don’t think I’m autistic but maybe neurodivergent adhd
Well hey, I’ve self-diagnosed myself with ADHD and I don’t think you have that… lol, I’m kidding! Kind of🫣 so is there like a time frame for when she’d give you the results?
Wait you think I have it?
It was just a little jokey-joke love lol
I don’t believe it lol jokes are usually truthful
What kinda jokes you be telling Chels?
So I see that there’s an apartment in Georgia that says he still resides there yet he’s been here … and there’s a girl who’s also living at that residence… what could that mean
When we talked I asked him if he’s from Atlanta bc he had an Atlanta number. He said he used to live there.. I asked him when he last visited. He said he just came back from “visiting family “… but his name is on that address and so is the girls
I’m trying to figure shit out
You’ve got to be kidding right now.
What?
Well I always search guys before I go in a date with them. I cancel my account after but I got a balance that kept coming back up.. so I went to check it out and I just saw it when I looked back at the account
What I do?
Yeah you went back to the account and down the rabbit hole, I just think you should leave it alone babe just close it and be done. This isn’t going anywhere good.
I want to know 🥹 it says associates.. I think they shared apartments
You don’t need to know Chels or does absolutely nothing for you or your healing process. You’re making steps to move forward but keep trying to leave your foot stuck in the door rather than close it.
I really miss him Holly. And I just wonder why he hates me so much.
Strongly dislike where he didn’t want to be friends
What’s to miss Chels? It was no time?
The company ig
The text
I just don’t feel good enough. I wish I could just end it. Just slit my wrists
I think she gave me some really good advice. I struggle badly with hygiene.. I have a hard time doing basic things like brushing my teeth or showering … (ik gross)… but she told me to make a list and cut it and put it in a jar.. then pick
It’s helping a bit…
He won’t be the only guy to come along, give you company, conversation. You say you don’t feel good enough, but how do you know that he was? Okay so he has a good job, “gentlemen” (to an extent), but what else tells you fundamentally that he is high caliber and better? There’s nothing you’ve ever said to me that made him sound worth all this. That’s why I think these feelings are deeper than him, he’s just the one who was the last straw and that is why this is so difficult. I really like what your therapist suggested and what I’m praying hard for is for you to find patience and grace with yourself Chels. You spent your whole life building up to this person you are now, it’s gonna take much more therapy than one session to really start feeling the impact and healing. This is a hard time in your life babe but it will not always be this way. Give yourself a real chance.
Maybe I’m just disappointed in who he is…. Who I want him to be or who I thought he was doesn’t add up… but then again is he actually a good person who just needed to be a jerk to me because he doesn’t want me….. he’s following black female doctors, lawyers… nurses… high end girls and the I think the girl I saw him with is a nurse. So it’s like wow I really wasn’t good enough for him… I wasn’t smart enough or pretty. I’m in denial…I just don’t want to let go because I want him to see my worth but deep down I know he’ll never see me as good enough. Men don’t hurt women they value
I don’t know if you realize how much of a projection this thought process is. Because you don’t currently feel successful in life, you feel like that is what he thinks of you as well when I doubt that’s the case at all. If you don’t feel like you’re successful then start doing the work to become what you want to be. I know that was my frame of mind, to have a flourishing career and shit on the men who took me for granted. Nothing would’ve made me happier than to know that they could potentially see me LIVING. Vacations, luxury, success, I loved the idea of some asshole who did me wrong to come across my social media, see all that and regret having ever taken me for granted and missing out on such an amazing person. I’m still working on it except now it’s just for me. And if you’re wondering if any of them regret ghosting or losing me, as of now two do and they sought out my information to tell me as much.
I feel successful. I’ve accomplished things.. I’m proud of. I have a good paying job doing what I like and I’m educated… I have a good savings…but I would like to be happier… I would like to focus on my dreams. I’m just not happy with myself
I do need to work more on myself
How bout this, set a big goal you want to accomplish within the next 5 years, and figure out how you’re going to make it happen. When you’re laser-focused, you won’t have time to focus on men. Like I would fill Al my time with trying to accomplish my goals:
Do you think he’ll regret losing me? 🥺 I want to prove to him that I’m worthy… Ilol never wrap my head around how bold he did me… how jealous I feel knowing that there’s some other girl he’d rather be with, respect and want…. How he wanted to hurt my feelings to lift hers up…
It’s like I can’t accept that I’m not that girl
I’m not the girl he wants
Growing and maturing is realizing that the guys you think you want to want you, it doesn’t even matter.
It does matter. He was wrong as hell
I mean nothing to him
So if you mean nothing to him then why does it matter?
Omfg 🙄
For real, if you mean nothing to him then why does it matter? Because he means so much to you?
And if he does mean so much to you then ask yourself why. I just think the idea of him matters and not so much the actual person. You built him up a lot in your head Chels, almost gave him an identity that he didn’t live up to, but that just circles back around to me saying to expected too much of that man before he even got a chance to prove it. I understand you thought he was this and you thought he’d do that, but that was you gassing him before he even proved he deserved it.
This man really tried to play me and you’re over looking and downplaying that fact… the fact that he had someone. She’s probably out of state but something is off and you don’t see it
So what does being played mean to you?
Being tricked or someone presenting themselves a certain way to get what they want from you…
I think he was looking for a side chick
I always thought being played meant taking advantage of someone but I can see that route too. In this case though I guess I’m just not sure how you were tricked, like you thought he was a certain person and built up a certain image of him without making him prove he is that person and that is your own bad babe. Like if I met a guy online and because he presented as having money I expected a lavish date, then I meet up with him and it’s an Olive Garden of course I’d be disappointed. That isn’t a downplay either, it’s just taking ownership of my own disappointment. Like I can’t be mad if I didn’t have a certain expectation. Make men WORK for the pedestal.
No , I felt like when he asked me “what’s the safest way to talk to you” or “you shouldn’t punish everyone for someone else’s sins” or him wanting to know about my past relationship and how it ended… it’s not that I put him on a pedestal but I took this as a guy who “seemed” to possibly be genuine or make me feel like he “cared”.. but he didn’t.. he was just saying things to get what he wanted and how he did me in the end just proves it…
What had you said for him to tell you that you shouldn’t punish everyone for someone else’s sins?
I had to look back at the messages but I told him that I feel like he’s indeed trying to fuck and that he thinks he’s slick
He replied:
I'm not sure what you've been through, and I entirely understand if you've dealt with people like that, but it's important to not make everyone suffer for someone else's sins
But he’s the biggest fucking sin and manipulator.
I’ll be super honest babe, but that sounds like you made a rude accusation and he gave you some fair advice. Take that how you want but that’s how it sounds. If at that moment you genuinely felt like he was trying to be slick and fuck then that was your cue to dip, instead you chose to continue on because you took that advice as some sort of declaration of deep care.
It would be one thing if he’d applied that to himself, like “I shouldn’t have to pay for every man’s sins”, but his advice and use of “everyone” sounds like a generalization.
Well I just wasn’t sure but this is why I said that hold on
am a hot girl wannabe. Me
Lol you're already hot so the rest should be a walk in the park
Lol I'm glad you think so - me
You're happy I find you attractive? Lol isn't that against what you want here? Lol
I'm just accepting a compliment lol there's no harm in that. I know my limits and I will let you know.
Lol fair enough
Lol I think you're trying to be sneaky.
Lol far from it
Just making sure you're not getting excited lol
Excited in what way?
joking with you
So you basically proved my point. You really are trying to fck. Why can't you find someone who wants the same thing?
Can you point me in the direction of where I proved this point?
You wanted to see if I'm "excited?" Really lol yeah ok
This is your proof? Lol
Yes and I'm sticking behind
Can you point me in the direction of where I proved this point?
You wanted to see if I'm "excited?" Really lol yeah ok - me
This is your proof? Lol
Yes and I'm sticking behind it
I like how you put a quote around the word excited to support your 'evidence'
It is evidence and you think you're slick.
Play with somebody else. You are indeed trying to fuck.
Whatever you can delete my #.
Just got out of a meeting. It seems there's been a mix-up in communication and the way you're handling it seems a little rushed
You made an assumption and decided to stick to it without seeking clarity
I did not suggest anything sexual from my response to you when
The word excited did not carry any sexual connotation but you read it that way
I'm not sure what you've been through, and I entirely understand if you've dealt with people like that, but it's important to not make everyone suffer for someone else's sins
Edited
Okay, so what do you want? You asked for my number... I want to make sure we're on the same
Chels… with this context, I genuinely have to say this whole thing was messed up on both ends. Yes, we can say he was wrong for things said on the coffee date and making you feel disrespected for his comments, but the way you handled the conversation through text was not much better.
Now I’m not sure what was said prior, but for you to accuse him of being sneaky and slick, then stand ten toes on that or “sticking behind it” wasn’t cool either. Like before he asked for clarification on it, I wasn’t sure what you meant by excited either and I think it was a fair question to ask that you turned into a sexual statement. This whole commentary was riddled with your fears of being sexualized and disrespected, from saying he proved your point, play with somebody else, you think you’re slick… it’s defensive, accusatory, unfair, unwarranted misinterpretation of a single word. The way you handled that was a mistake.
Whatever you say…. He just wanted to fuck
And I’m standing behind it
So you really don’t think anything you said was wrong? It was all appropriate and fair?
Not for trying to get a buster
He did mention in the rejection “plus I don’t like how things ended “
I mean he said “I don’t like how things started off”
Well, if you won’t hold yourself accountable then I will. You’re completely playing the victim and doing your damndest to justify it. Not cool. Until you take ownership for your part in this then you’re never gonna heal honey. This is tough love.
What does it mean when he said he didn’t like how things started in the beginning
Was that just an excuse
I don’t know what was said in the beginning babe..
He means the situation I’m telling you about now… that all took place in the beginning of our talking stage.
I wouldn’t be happy about that start either Chels, you threw accusations at the guy and then doubled down on it.
I think it was an excuse for him to throw in there. If it were really “that bad” he would have stopped talking to me then
He didn’t say it was “that bad” just that he didn’t like how things started.
Either way… it was an excuse…. He could have stopped talking to me. Pointless to bring up
And you could’ve stopped talking to him too honey. You need to take accountability.
Why would I stop talking to him if I felt like he was trying or idk…
Because if you were already accusing him of things then clearly something felt off to you at that time.
Whatever you say literally
You think they lived together? If he’s here in Dallas why does it say that he’s in Atlanta… they shared 2 addresses together… what do you think?
Even tho he used to live in atl
“Whatever you say” is very dismissive Chels. Your biggest driving point in why you’re feeling how you are is because you felt disrespected by his words on that date. So why is it fair for you to feel that way over his statements, when yours were disrespectful too? Like in my mind, I can absolutely equate his “you’re just saying that because I said it” to your “so you really are trying to fck”.
Both were shitty accusations and rude in general.
You can’t keep justifying all you said because you felt like the accusations were fair and you were trying to protect yourself, but his were so outlandish, disrespectful and degrading.
And before you ask, YES, I am absolutely ignoring your last two questions because fuck that Chels. We are not sleuths and I’m not going to sit here pointlessly picking through his information and life with you. I don’t care who she is and you shouldn’t either. I won’t encourage you to do it and I will tell you it is WEIRD as hell if you don’t stop. Take it how you want, I’m drawing the line.
Because I feel like he’s a predator….
I can’t help it… like I literally just want to know if he has a girlfriend so I can tell her that he’s a piece of shit. Wouldn’t you want to know if your man is a cheater?
At this point I don't know what I’m going through… I wake up sad and thinking about it or him… my day is determined by what I choose to hyper focus on about HIM. I just think he’s a predator and I should have got my tea tested bc I felt drowsy after
But I don't know if I have ocd or limerence… I feel like my therapist isn’t fully understanding how obsessed I get…. Every time I tell a therapist they don’t say much… I focus on other things but I come right to it
I already know this is Limerence, I told you as much, just like we already agreed that this is a deep fixation and obsession.
It’s hard to take accountability for those things because who wants to be accountable for that? It’s a tough pill to swallow but it’s all part of some much deeper stuff. Next time you speak with your therapist, don’t be afraid to put emphasis on how far this has gotten so that she can really help you.
I’m sorry love but cannot encourage or help you keep digging into that. You want to figure out who this woman is so you can tell her that her man is a piece of shit, but do you know how bad that will look on you? To tell her you spoke for two weeks, went on one coffee date, and he ghosted. For the average person sure we can say it was messed up but it wasn’t “that” bad. On top of that let’s play devils advocate and say he is in a relationship now, I would say that’s completely fair given the fact you two have no significant history and your encounter was 7 months ago.
You’ve got nothing to work with but anger and resentment honey, and that is something you’ve got to work on and heal within yourself. I wish I understood what you were going through but I am hoping as you have your sessions, she’s able to help you better understand it. Hell, even if somehow our conversations help you see some flaws to correct then that’s a win.
I see the part I did wrong but I still think he’s a predator and a piece of shit who wanted to play me…
But I feel really sad at the same time and just can’t accept the fact that he didn’t care about my feelings at all and that he had a girlfriend
It’s not fair to say it’s not “that bad”…. It is that bad to me and these few months of feeling pain about it can tell you that.
It all still kind of hurts and sucks.
A predator, that’s a new one and I don’t even think you believe that. He got nothing from you. You’ve called this man every derogatory name in the book yet you still miss and want him, that’s how I know you don’t believe the things you’re saying.
It is absolutely fair Chels because what he said was no better than what you said.
Whatever you say Holly. I don’t think you really hear me half the time. I just think you want to be right or have the say in the conversation without really taking in what I’m saying and the information I told you about him.
It’s not about being right or wrong; you just aren’t saying sensible things babe. Like what exactly makes him a predator and why would you still want him or miss him if you genuinely felt he were one?
Because I miss the feeling of him possibly wanting me
But he didn’t…. He never wanted anything serious in the beginning
Why would you want a predator to want you and why do you think he is one? You keep avoiding that question.
Because I think he wasn’t honest about his intentions and I wasn’t sure until the end. I don’t have much dating experience and the reason this hurts so much is because I thought he came correct… some things I just wasn’t sure about
The yellow/ red flags:
Him taking two days to respond
When I started to show interest he backed off and when I ask him about it he says “just being careful “ I admit that I didn’t know what I wanted and he did say that he was confused.
I think what really got me is him not asking me a lot of questions about myself but he wanted to know about my past relationship…
He always wanted to know certain things about me but when I asked him certain things it’s like he avoided it or didn’t answer it…. And I feel like if a man has nothing to hide and if a man was interested he doesn’t mind being questioned. It’s not like I’m asking him about his salary.
He probably did come correct, but just because a man respects you doesn’t mean he’s trying to lock it in. Dating phases are meant for you to explore your options, go on dates and potentially find your match. Once you open yourself to dating, that means acknowledging the fact that things may not work out. I don’t think you were ready for that outcome and therefore, probably weren’t prepared to date when rejection does this to you.
By definition a predator is person who ruthlessly exploits others. Exploits: make full use of or derive benefit from. So when we take these definitions into account, along with the fact that he got nothing from you, ghosted and received no benefit, you weren’t exploited and you were not preyed upon. The most I can give you is that he wasted your time on that date and gave you false hope, which you are absolutely entitled to being upset about.
I’ve always said your feelings are valid, it’s your behavior that is not. I can be on board with the heart of this, which is you felt deceived and you thought he was going to be ab&c. But I can’t get behind you once you start saying you were preyed upon because by definition and fairness, that just did not happen.
You’re right, if a man were interested he would want to know about you, ask questions and progress. But he could’ve decided on that date that he didn’t want to progress, and although it’s hurtful to hear, it’s true. He was fed interested, which is why you didn’t get the questions or actions that would steer your date into a positive direction. You also did not contribute much to the conversations or talk at all really, so as a whole the date just tanked. Maybe he could’ve done more but you could’ve as well.
**he wasn’t interested
I’m saying he didn’t ask a lot of questions over text about me…. He did want to talk on the phone in the beginning but I said no
Honestly babe he may not normally be much of a texter. You met through a dating app, so exchanging some conversation that way is to be expected, but that can wear off quickly if generally they prefer in person, phonecall or FaceTime conversations. He even asked to speak with you on the phone instead.
He is not the only guy to do this. I remember when I was in the early talking phases with my fiance, he basically only texted me to set dates and check in through the day. I didn’t know what to make of that because I was used to men carrying on conversations through text. Then again, those were the men who made minimal effort and ultimately disappointed me.
You lack experience with dating, but I do think that those experiences are what resulted in how you handled things with the African guy. In all honestly you probably shouldn’t have even been on the apps and healing, but you ran across this guy who you wanted to give him a chance but you came at him the wrong way. You were dealing with a grown man, not some young punk trying to sext and disrespect you. I believe that once you realized this and tried showing interest, the damage from how you accused him of just wanting to fuck and telling him to go get that from someone else had already been done. You act as if he wasn’t allowed to feel any kind of way about what you said to him, or I don't know maybe you just didn’t consider it but you offended him as well. That’s why he corrected you with that lengthy message saying that he didn’t know what you’ve gone through in the past but you shouldn’t punish everyone. That was some solid advice but also speaking from a place of offense.
Screw him. Grown men don’t want trannys and grown men don’t ghost…. so no
Anyway, I found someone to practice oral with.
You doing okay today?
I’m struggling today. I’m sorry
Enjoy your week holly. ❤️
Don’t be! Sending you love Chels it’s gonna be alright💛
But I don’t think that was being a man
I don’t think you really believe that. I’m going to give you far more credit than to think you’d still be so caught up over a man you genuinely believed was all those bad things. I mean what sort of woman would that make you? To still be so obsessed with and wanting a guy you think is closeted, trans loving, and predatory?
Tbh I just don’t want to be here especially since he doesn’t want to talk to me.
Maybe I’m just in denial
I really can’t believe you think that’s being a man. Real men communicate and they are straight forward… good men or men don’t make you feel bad about yourself nor would they want to… they’d let you down in a respectful way.
Chels I truly, truly hate that you feel this way over a man. Men in general. Like he doesn’t want to talk to you so you want to end it? Over a man you knew two weeks? I don’t understand it.
Because ik he’s the one for me. I really felt like he was going to be my first deep down
He’s a closeted, trans loving predator though Chels, right? Not the one for you.
Right. I don’t understand 🥺 just in denial and can’t let go
You’re being ridiculous.
How so Holly if it’s true
He’s not a man nor is he innocent. You’re the one being ridiculous for thinking that
Of course none of that shit is true Chels, I was obviously being sarcastic.
Ik that but I’m saying that he is a bisexual trans lover and a absolute fucking jerk
The ONLY reason I still have feelings is because I miss him possibly wanting me
You’re soooo wrong about all of this
Out of all the male opinions why would I believe yours? A soft girl who seems to give people the benefit of the doubt.
You’re not a man so I can’t trust your opinion or thinking process about him.
he's gay, he was trying to get laid and he did me incredibly wrong.
I will agree that there are things I need to work on with myself and the parts I played
But you can’t make me believe that he was genuine bc his actions showed in the end… if he cared he wouldn’t have acted like that
I’m not trying to make you believe a single thing. You have your opinion I have mine. He’s not gay, closeted, trans, or predatory.
Cool, if you can’t trust my opinion then don’t ask me shit.
Screw you Holly. You should’ve married him instead !
y'all would be perfect 👍
I’m asking you question so that you can get it! You’re the only person in LA LA land about this person! He’s the devil himself
Ik you’re mad at me and I’m kind of mad at you but I hope we can squash this. We will never agree on this. You’re wrong and it’s okay to accept that Holly isn’t always right…. But this isn’t about right or wrong… I’ll put my ego aside and say…. ………
sorry. 😞
Oh please fucking miss me with that backwards ass apology Chels! There is no wrong or right in this situation it’s good or bad and what you did was bad! What you’re doing is bad and what you will continue to do is BAD! It is Wrong as shit and getting weird! Fuck sake it’s like I’m talking to a child and not a grown ass woman. I’m going to take you on what you said because if you don’t trust me then I’ve wasted my time long enough. Take care of yourself you won’t be hearing anything else from me.
I’ve already apologized and took accountability for literally everything you said I needed to. I’ve looked back on my mistakes and I do realize where I went wrong but I do think that you’re stuck in your own way of thinking.
You won’t hear from me ever. Thank you for your help and good luck. I wish you happiness and peace.
I will admit that I’m going to miss our talks but it’s time to let go now.
Thanks again ❤️
Opinion
2Opinion
he could be interested but a jerk per default
What happened?
1. “I’m scared to sleep with you because you’ll probably be crazier “ … but not saying that he’s that good at sex but implying that I’m already crazy.
2. He asked me when I was last intimate and I tell a year ago… he says something about me using dildos.
3. I ask him when he was last intimate and he just look away and chuckles lowly…
4. Sneaking looks at the waitress.
Ended up ghosting after too
Yeah okay that gives off such bad vibes. I'm sorry to hear about that.
He might have some issues or... I don't know, wanted to feel superior or some shit.
I once was on a date where the guy seriously said my bloodline should end with me because I said I liked Hawaiian pizza... I was a fool back then and didn't see it as the red flag that it is - because he apologized about that.. I was a fool.
I hope you get over such a guy and move on
Yeah, I don’t know what his problem is… he may have issues. Covert narc, big ego.. I don't know but it hurt me deeply because I wanted to be with him. You see someone as the moon and stars and they see you as nothing
Part of me feels pity for him… part of me feels like he’s gay deep down and can’t connect with women or he’s been hurt badly or he has low self esteem… and there’s nothing I can do about that because I’m not who he wants.
I think what your date said was a very unfunny joke… could have been funny if you guys were close… but guys are known for saying stupid things like that.. ugh. Men.
It's a shame when you were into him, but just... glad it seems like you're pretty clear about the situation.
I'm sure you'll find something much better!
I know now that he loves testing boundaries, and mostly trying to step over them and pushing them as well. So yeah... Should have left him back then, but I was too forgiven and didn't see the truth.
I forgot to mention… he asked me “does your dad know you post those pics “…. They weren’t inappropriate but they are “sexy”… I didn’t know how to feel about that comment
Damn, so he just looked down on you for real.. that's so sad
Yeah… it hurt because I admired him.
But it’s whatever. He follows explicit trans content on social media
I understand that
Don't cry over spilled milk..
You sound over senceitive
How do I sound sensitive?
Read what you are saying to other people you sound sensitive
I know what I said…, he’s a jerk
People say stuff all the time shouldn't leave it to bother you.
I’m sensitive when a guy was literally a jerk? I’m guessing you didn’t see all he said or did.. maybe you’re a jerk too
I'm a bollocks
Remarks such as?
This one baffles me a tad.
1. “I’m scared to sleep with you because you’ll probably be crazier “ … but not saying that he’s that good at sex but implying that I’m already crazy.
2. He asked me when I was last intimate and I tell a year ago… he says something about me using dildos.
3. I ask him when he was last intimate and he just look away and chuckles lowly…
4. Sneaking looks at the waitress.
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