What to do when a guy thinks you’re crazy?

[Anonymous]

It’s hurtful… it’s like they don’t want to love me or I’m not good enough

[TheRealPepperPotts]

First of all, I'd just like to clarify: You said "it's like they don't want to love me", but then you talk about a specific guy. Is it one guy? Or is it most guys? Because that makes a big difference. If it's one guy, just let him go. It's kind of an indicator that he isn't interested if he doesn't want to sleep with you (an exception would be if his hesitation is related to more conservative values).

If it's a pattern, it may be that you are too clingy or suffocating in a relationship. Which that particular guy translates to "crazy".

I noticed you said, "It's like they don't want to love me, or I'm not good enough". That makes me inclined to think that you are feeling insecure about yourself as a person. You may be unintentionally projecting those insecurities onto him (or whoever you are dating) whenever he doesn't affirm that you are good enough. Let me ask you this: What evidence do you have that you are not good enough to be loved?

[Asker]

Guys I’ve talked to but I’m talking about a specific guy at the moment

I only feel incredibly hurt about it because I felt like he was the emotionally mature one. I didn’t even want to talk … I told him that I would just be a placeholder until he moves on… but I made it clear that I didn’t want sex nor was I looking for something serious… I feel like he was the one trying to figure out why and he said he didn’t understand the whole placeholder thing.

I looked at it as him seeing me as something else and I felt he cared “I thought “… for example I told him I was protecting my emotional well being (big mistake)… and he ask me what’s the safest way to interact with you… or when he said you shouldn’t punish everyone for someone else’s sin… so I thought oh maybe he’s fr… maybe he does want more

But he got me good. Men are deceiving. He wanted me to believe he was a good guy

[Asker]

He said he was scared to sleep with me because he was scared I’ll be crazier… he definitely wanted sex eventually

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I am going to point out some things based on what you shared. It may feel uncomfortable or unkind, but that is not the way I intend it. Please know that, and if you don't think it's on track based on all the information you have, then don't worry about it.

You mentioned that you want to just be a placeholder, and yet you are keeping tabs on this guy like it's something more. You have the expectation that he will move on, and you communicated that you aren't interested in anything serious. But when he tried to understand your perspective, I think it touched a chord in you and made you feel like he cared. Then, you started behaving differently than what you communicated with him and now he is confused about what the relationship is.

My guess is you got hurt really badly. Now, you are afraid of connection and are trying to protect yourself from being hurt. What I think is that he is your placeholder, not the other way around. He actually wants to try, and you are shutting him down while at the same time you are sending signals that you want connection.

That being said, if you can be honest with yourself, you might actually be able to communicate with him that you are afraid of being hurt. He will likely reassure you that he wouldn't do that. However, in relationships, you will be hurt, often unintentionally. If we understand that the other person loves us while at the same time they are a human being who cannot read our mind, it helps us recognize that we need to communicate what we would like. Just my thoughts...

[Asker]

Okay so no that was the beginning…. I don’t feel like he was genuine and I felt like he was just being sneaky to have sex. I felt reluctant… but I DID tell him I was willing to take things slow with him and then that’s when I feel like he pushed back which made me believe that he wasn’t serious…

I asked him about it and he said “I’m just being careful…” but I feel like he was starting to take hours to respond, or a couple days, he wasn’t telling me much about himself after I said that I was willing to take things slow…. Then that’s when I started to feel emotionally unsafe because I genuinely thought he may have wanted something…

I did confront him once about him taking hours and not sharing details… that’s when he said that “I don’t deserve that and you should take time before dating “

[Asker]

We started having communication issues and we talked on the phone… that’s when he said “no offense but you come off as unstable “

So we decided to meet up and we did the date…

On the date I kind of felt like it was okay… he’s the first date I’ve been on with a guy. I felt nervous and embarrassed tbh.. not confident

I feel like he didn’t want to pay for me … we look at the menu and he goes to order and I pull out my wallet bc I didn’t think he was going to pay tbh… then he ask “what do you want “… I tell him I don't know and then I say “I’ll get what you get” so he orders different things…but he is still a gentleman and he brings our stuff to the table etc.

Then he ask me “what do you want “ I don't know and I tell him to go first. Then that’s when he says “I’m not ready for a relationship because I’m not where I need to be”… then I say something similar and he says I’m copying him… he wasn’t happy

But as the date when on he said some things that were different

Like “I’m scared to sleep with you because you’ll be crazier” or “does your dad know you post those pics “ or “when were you last intimate… then joked about me using dildos….

So he sabotaged the date or he just wanted sex

[Asker]

Then he ghosted me

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I think (back to your original question) we can't control what other people think. What others think is informed by their experiences and education. This guy will form his opinion about you based on what his experiences are. But him seeing you as crazy is just his perspective. He can't possibly see the whole person that you are based on his tiny exposure to you, just like I can't. You will drive yourself mad trying to unpack why people see you the way that they do and trying to control it. That's why people say to "be yourself". What they mean is to start being who you are, not what you think people want. You'll find your true people then.

That being said, I think you might consider therapy. I say that kindly (I've done it, am doing it. It's so helpful, even for "normal" people, ha). Therapy is simply a safe place to process your thoughts and occasionally have them challenged in healthy ways. You just don't seem confident or ready for a relationship right now based on what you've shared, and I think it would be really good for you to develop yourself a little more and find out the person you are. You might find it helpful to see a doctor and make sure there isn't a hormone imbalance you are dealing with, too. I only say this because I've been there, and hormones (or lack thereof) can really mess with our minds.

I think you need to take a break from dating, work on processing your trauma and insecurities, and build non-romantic relationships and support IRL.

[Asker]

Wait… so he was trying to use me? Right? …. I’m not the problem

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I'm going to move on now. I wish you luck with your future relationships!

[Asker]

….. how is that helping? Saying I need therapy… but he’s the one who was being slick

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I don't think I can explain it. You seem offended, and I think I will just make it worse if I keep at it. You've already concluded he is being a certain way, which is fine. You would know best. I am just presenting an option that will help with how hurt you are feeling, because that is awful. I know therapy has a stigma, but it shouldn't and that is not the way I intended it. It's like if you had a broken arm; I'd say go to the ER. You are in pain, I wanted to help. But I don't see the same things you are seeing based on what you wrote. Maybe he is a jerk. Much of what you said is what you are feeling and that's valid. I would say he seems immature, but is he evil and horrible and wicked?

[Asker]

I think he’s possibly narcissistic… I think he knows what he said hurt me… how did he go from calling me a bit unstable to crazy… how did he go from saying “I’m hot” and complimenting my face pic (smiling) to just judging how I dress in photos.

He just really hurt me because I thought he came correct and I don't know why I thought maybe he wanted to love me.. and I just thought he was a man. I was attracted to how he talked to me. I was under the impression that he was mature and level headed and understanding

I never thought he would be so cruel nor did I think he would ghost or not be empathetic

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Do you think he was trying to gaslight me? ↗

Is this you asking this other question, too?

[Asker]

Yes one of 30

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Oh, honey... Listen to your friend @HollyK21. She cares and she is right on the money. You need to process this with a professional, not us GAG users. I hope you find healing.

[Asker]

She’s not right on the money. That man just wanted sex.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

OK, so just end the relationship?

[Asker]

How can I end something that hasn’t happened… I just felt that way but I trusted him at the same time

[Asker]

But it’s whatever he’s 37 and I’m 26… he’s possibly gay.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Hope you figure it out someday.

[Asker]

I think the trans woman he follows is proof. She post explicit pics

[HappyWoman34]

He’s making excuses because he’s not interested and he’s too spineless to be direct. Sounds like a toxic arsehole. I’m sorry he hurt you. You’re better off without him. Red Flag City.

[deus_ex_sisyphus]

slash his tires then call his boss and say you saw him with his wife lmao (jk). Feel it out, maybe he's teasing you. Or, he is distancing himself hoping you dont show up at his window in the middle of the night

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Send him a thank you card.

[Xia1994]

Heheeee lol 😂

[coachTanthony]

Find a guy who doesn’t think that would be my advice

[DishLady]

If guys are calling you crazy -- like lots of different guys -- then there's something to it and you have to self-examine to see what you're doing that leads to that unappealing title. Are you too restrictive or jealous or needy? Does your personality fluctuate from positive to negative so it seems irrational to them? Then you're "being crazy" in their eyes.

[Asker]

Yes…. Maybe…. I get very jealous… attached…. I just want reassurance 😔

[Xia1994]

Like sometimes he could be right may be you’re crazy some people really are crazy let’s be honest but on the flip side he could be projecting may be he’s the crazy one orrr may be he’s joking or using that word as a synonym for eccentric it all depends on the context 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Don’t know. Not w out some real information. A lot of people say oh well just leave him he doesn’t deserve you or he’s just making excuses. But your question says “they,” so that implies more than just a single man. As much as people don’t like to look at theirselves, that’s what you need to do. Do these men have legitimate reasons to think that? If you stepped outside of yourself, really looked at yourself from an outside perspective would you say you have real issues?

[ProbablyClueless]

You've gotta start by taking a step back to look at what you're doing objectively. Because that's how he's seeing your behavior. Guys call girls crazy when they're acting really inconsistent and forceful.

[Asker]

I agree I do have “mood swings “ but I only get angry or act irrationally when I feel insecure or emotionally unsafe “

Looking back I feel gaslit…. Like I felt like he wasn’t trying to tell me about himself and I felt he was leaving things unanswered… so I checked him on it because he took hours to reply

He says “oh i thought I pressed send sorry I was out with friends” then he says “you really should take some time to yourself before dating “

[ProbablyClueless]

This is a really sucky lesson that I have needed to learn and relearn multiple times; People do the things that they want to do. If they aren't doing it, it's generally because they don't actually want to.

He's not gaslighting you, you're just forcing his hand to tell you something that his body language is saying that he doesn't feel like telling you.

[Asker]

No

That’s being deceiving

[Asker]

I agree I do have “mood swings “ but I only get angry or act irrationally when I feel insecure or emotionally unsafe “

Looking back I feel gaslit…. Like I felt like he wasn’t trying to tell me about himself and I felt he was leaving things unanswered… so I checked him on it because he took hours to reply

He says “oh i thought I pressed send sorry I was out with friends” then he says “you really should take some time to yourself before dating “

[ProbablyClueless]

I'm not sure what else I can add to this conversation. But I'm happy to answer any questions you have.

[Asker]

Why did he say “does your dad know you post those pics?

….. like why was he trying to devalue me

[ProbablyClueless]

He probably comes from a controlling, male-dominated family background

[HappyWoman34]

He sounds emotionally controlling and abusive. You dodged a bullet. Go out and meet a nicer man. When you’re ready.

[Asker]

Yes he comes from a different country and he has a very religious mother…

[JacobJordan]

Ask yourself why they think you are and likely realize because you are acting unbecoming of a woman and then change your attitude. Or get mad and whine about men this and men that and then change your attitude.

[ManInChains]

How is it hurtful to be called crazy? There's no context behind the word crazy it could mean both a good thing and a bag thing it could even be neutral.

[David94358]

Well are you crazy? Can you give some examples of what you did or said that made him say that?

[Asker]

If saying I wanted to be a placeholder or but I don't know I feel gaslit

He said he was scared to sleep with me because he didn’t want me to be crazier.

[David94358]

This doesn't make sense, do you have examples of what you have said or done?

[Asker]

I agree I do have “mood swings “ but I only get angry or act irrationally when I feel insecure or emotionally unsafe “

Looking back I feel gaslit…. Like I felt like he wasn’t trying to tell me about himself and I felt he was leaving things unanswered… so I checked him on it because he took hours to reply

He says “oh i thought I pressed send sorry I was out with friends” then he says “you really should take some time to yourself before dating “

[David94358]

Seems like you should take his advice then and take some time for yourself before dating.

Him saying you are crazy is because he thinks you are acting crazy.

[bobby_bush_eater]

Self assessment of your behaviors is probably a good start.

If you think you've behaved well then asses him after that.

Don't be rash/emotional, be analytical (I know it's easier said than done)

[SeriouslyNotSerious]

Then show him crazy! Handcuff him while doing a naked lap dance. 🥳

[PapaJedi]

😱😮😯😯

[TommyMountainFigure]

If you like him, prove him wrong!

If you dislike him, prove him right!

[sheikalana]

Do nothing. Let him be. You don't need to stay in touch with someone who thinks you're crazy.

[Anonymous]

I'm have a massive crush on somebody who most people would think we are both "crazy" if we got together.

[SotiCoto]

You probably failed to communicate something clearly.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how to answer this question without more facts. Let's start with this... WHY does he think you're crazy?

[Lessthanaveragr]

I don't think you're crazy, you're a female, so obviously your batshit crazy.

[driven159]

Then you move on very simple if you don't then you might be crazy

[Kingofkings1992]

Accept that he thinks you’re crazy and move on.

[whistlingwh0res]

He is a whore and he thinks he think straight as a whore

[Anonymous]

Maybe you're crazy, most women are crazy nowadays and men don't wanna deal with that nonsense.