What should I do about my boyfriend's urge to bring up past arguments to "fix" things between us?

[Anonymous]

Whenever my boyfriend and I have arguments, sometimes he acts like he's moved on from it, but the next day, out of nowhere, he says things like, I want to discuss yesterday, I'm still mad at you, to which I often reply, well you should've solved it yesterday instead of catching me off guard and pretending you've moved on. His reasoning is that he wants to make sure all our arguments are solved and things remain "fixed". Well, he can also do that by solving problems then and there instead of pretending he's fine and then throw it at me the next day completely out of nowhere. In short, avoid being passive aggressive. What do I do about this increasingly difficult and annoying habit of his?

[Oliverlogan263]

Hey that sounds really frustrating. Arguing is already tense enough without him dragging things out. My advice would be to talk to him and set some clear boundaries.

Tell him when you're fighting, you want him to be honest about how he's really feeling in the moment instead of pretending it's fine. Then you can work it out before moving on. Rehashing stuff the next day just makes it way more stressful.

He probably thinks he's trying to resolve things, but bringing it up later out of nowhere isn't actually fixing anything, it's just causing more problems. Be straightforward and tell him that.

If he keeps disrespecting your boundaries after you explain how it makes you feel, then that's not okay. But give him a chance to listen first. Relationships take work from both people. Hopefully he'll understand where you're coming from if you communicate how his behavior is affecting you calmly. Stand up for yourself though - don't let him keep walking all over you with that passive aggressive crap.

[genericname85]

well if your boyfriend brings up past arguments, that means these arguments aren't over and the problems that exist in his mind have not yet been properly solved. that is a caution sign that you should not ignore, cause these are things that will kill your relationship. these are things you should work on if you wanna last. what you're doing right now is looking at the holes in your boat and complaining that your boat is sinking while not doing shit about it. he is actually trying to fix the holes and you're not helping at all and instead wanna shift the blame for these holes to him. which fair enough it may actually be his fault but in a relationship, both partner have to pull the rope. if one lets go, that's when it fails.

[Caroline91]

People process things at different speeds and in different ways. It sounds like he needs time to sit with things and then come back around and finish the discussion. My husband does the same thing and I appreciate that he addresses it instead of letting it fester or letting it go before it is resolved for him. I'm sorry you take it as annoying. Why do you think that's passive aggressive? It's exactly the opposite and he is showing mature behavior. He's not being annoyed with you, but is actually communicating well. I hope you will come to appreciate his efforts and things work out well for you both.

[ShellyB]

I think it is better to talk it through late than to never talk it through, but, it would be best done at the time of the argument so it doesn’t drag out or feel deceptive like you are saying. So for now I would talk it through as much as he wants but after that, I would ask him “can we do that when we have the argument so it isn’t hanging over our head later?” JMO!

[DishLady]

Guys like to "fix" things... but some also like to harp on your flaws to gloss over their own.

Having said this, it's fine to discuss something that you argued about the day or two before -- tbh sometimes it does take a guy an extra few days to process something... and sometimes this will happen to you. He's not THROWING it at you -- you're being dramatic. Calm tf down and hear him out. Guys "fix" stuff -- and when you forget, replay the themesong to Bob the Builder so you remember... (So simple...)

https://www.youtube.com/embed/HdVg-2jn2OU

[Chazmatazz269]

Break up with him. You’ll be doing both of you a big favor.
“Yesterday” isn’t SO far in the past that you should feel blindsided by the fact that he hasn’t reached your same level of satisfaction with whatever degree of resolution you reached. He also doesn’t owe it to you to resolve things exclusively on YOUR timeline. If your response to his desire to properly resolve issues just makes you angry that he didn’t do it when YOU wanted it, you are diseased and you need professional help he can’t offer you.
I don’t even know the guy and i’m certain he deserves better.
Break it off. The sooner the better, for his sake.

[OfMiceandMen]

I had this in the female version. It was really difficult to stay positive and move forward from old arguments. She would rehash them all the time, even arguments that I thought we'd resolved and made-up.

Eventually, I said (with reluctance) if she couldn't let them go we should call it quits and she couldn't get past them, so I had to end it. She was great, loved her very much but I wasn't going to go over things again and again.

[Yannae]

"Well, he can also do that by solving problems then and there instead of pretending he's fine and then throw it at me the next day completely out of nowhere"
Throw this at him. Or next argument and he says he's fine "Are you fine or pretending to be fine only to bring it up the next day? Cause that habit has got to go."

I always try to solve things on the same day it happened and the next day we are cool.

[SotiCoto]

So... he needs a bit of time to figure out the correct solution to issues, but you're all caught up on sorting things in the moment even if it wouldn't be done right...

Sounds like you're the problem.

[BoopBoopBeep]

Tell him first. Then dump him because holy F that sounds exhausting.

[stvigor]

Make sure you and him both agree with the terms to change when comes to what both parties disagree about respectfully. Then cuddle buddy his a**. Lean in to life learn to allow him to trust in your answer the first time

[jahaims]

You are asking your partner to communicate only the way you do. You are immature

[GzRooster]

Actually fix what’s wrong and not just talk about it

[Finchie40]

Dump him , he sounds like he is a manipulative

[MrDaveAPSI]

Do the same back

[soe11]

Leave him.