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For a while now I've been feeling like our relationship is coming to an end, we're constantly fighting over unnecessary things and cannot tolerate each other's demands. But I don't want to break up :( How do I fix my tumultuous relationship with my boyfriend?
Oh god , navigating rocky relationship waters, huh? Been in that boat more than I care to admit, so let's dive in.
Communication is your best friend. And I mean beyond who forgot to take out the trash. Getting into the deep stuff – feelings, dreams, fears. It's wild how many big arguments are actually just a pile of little misunderstandings. When emotions run high, it's easy to say stuff that stings. Remember, it's both of you against the problem, not against each other.
Don't forget about having your own space too. It's like, when I have a day out with my buddies, I come back home excited to share the stories.
Little things matter a ton as well. Random acts of kindness, a thank you here, a surprise there – they add up. Like, my partner once left a goofy drawing in my lunchbox, and I swear, it made my entire week.
If things feel like they're really heading south, consider counseling. It's not admitting defeat; it's more like getting a coach for your relationship. Sometimes an outside perspective can make a world of difference.
Every relationship's got its own flavor, so what works for one might not work for another. 🌻
You're getting some good advice here.
There isn't enough info for me to feel I can offer anything substantive. Details matter. I'd suggest giving more next time. When I speak vaguely, it tends not to contribute much to a person's specific problem.
I'd recommend you look into Esther Perel. She is basically the preeminent relationship expert on the planet right now. She's spent her entire life and career studying relational dynamics, and she is my favourite person on this subject, and I've heard a lot, believe me. She also speaks 9 languages, practices therapy in 6, has a great sense of humour, and is the most unbiased therapist I have ever seen, in treating both genders fairly and with equal respect.
This is just a short, 6 min video on fights. If you like this, I'd highly recommend looking her up on youtube, etc. She's done some of the most-watched TedTalks, and has travelled the globe helping people and large corporations manage their people problems. As she famously says, "Relationship problems are not problems to solve. They are paradoxes to manage."
https://www.youtube.com/embed/gFPazSsKQMc
Hmmm this is all part of a relationship. At some point we all need to reinvent our relationships. Couple’s therapy could be helpful in this situation or if you haven’t express what you’re feeling to your partner you should sit with him and address the issue and both of you should try to come up with a solution and compromise to fix your relationship together.
Okay luv, here's what I would say:
It sounds like you really care about your boyfriend and want to make things work. Fighting all the time is so draining. Have you tried talking to him when you're both calm and telling him how you feel? Like really listening to understand each other?
Maybe there's underlying issues you need to address, like feelings of not being heard or supported. Compromise is key - look for ways you can both change small things to make each other happy.
Plan some quality time where you just enjoy being together without drama. Do stuff you used to like from when you first started dating. Getting that spark back helps.
If he's not receptive, you may need to be straight with him - say the arguing has to stop or you can't stay in this unhealthy cycle. But give the open communication a real shot first.
At the end of the day you need to take care of yourself too sweetie. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I'm here if you need anything! Stay positive, it'll work out.
It takes two to argue. One person can't do it alone. Rather than compete to see who can make the most demands, reach out to see things through his eyes. Seek clarification and understanding, and never judge what the other person says... if you want that person to continue to share. The longer either of you continues to be self-focused, the less likely this relationship will survive. People don't seem to realize that the quickest way to motivate others to be caring is to be caring. That doesn't mean you stay and continue to be used indefinitely, but show a significant pattern rather than do it once and expect the other to trust a new pattern exists.
Opinion
9Opinion
"we're constantly fighting over unnecessary things and cannot tolerate each other's demands"
If that's an accurate description of the relationship, and I've no reason to believe it isn't, then what part of that is worth salvaging since you clearly don't like each other?
You acknowledge that it's "unnecessary things" that you fight about. Either it's just him doing it and you should walk away from an a-hole, or you're doing it, too. Why are you fighting about things you accept are unnecessary?
You don't want to "compromise with your partner" you want to "tolerate each other's demands"...
Look at how you describe this? It's a toxic relationship. Maybe he is the toxic one, maybe you are, probably you both are, but it doesn't matter, this is just torturing you both.
Relationships are about compromise, communication, and even care. It sounds like you both are the type to not back down from a fight, which causes excitement but it also causes clashing. Sometimes just letting the other person "win" the argument is the best thing you can do.
If you really feel like his demands are unreasonable, explain it to him in a really gentle way. The way you convey your feelings is extremely important. Encourage him to also do the same.
Taking a break can work but so many people default to that, the moment things get tough and all distance does is let the spark fade out.
Remember it takes two to Tango, unless you're genuinely in an abusive situation or he's refusing to make any progress or accept any fault, you both have to work towards saving this. If the care isn't even, it's never going to work.
What do you fight over? Couples develop short cuts into fights over time and it can be over very small things.
I'd suggest the most self aware of the two of you needs to drive the rapprochement. It can be biting your tongue and not responding to what you would have regarded as provocation previously.
It can be power struggles between you. One or other or both of you might be trying to boss each other. That never plays well. It is a matter of stopping it.
Simple politeness is good in a relationship because it routinely expresses appreciation.
I think you are probably the most self aware in the couple so work on these but it will take some time for your partner to catch up. You both have new habits to build.
Start communicating instead of fighting. If a fight starts don't contribute to it. Stop trying to fight him on everything just because you don't like his approach. A relationship is about 2 people becoming 1 team. Every couple seems to go through this because they always make the same mistake of thinking that it has to be their way when it comes to solving a problem. It isn't. It is you AND your partner VERSUS the problem. Not you VS your partner.
Why don't you want to break up?
Why do you want to stay?
There is obviously some major underlying issue that that either don't know about or aren't speaking about. What are his demands that are intolerable to you?
Maybe you don't. Maybe you call it quits, cut your losses, and get out of that relationship.
Learn to compromise and communicate
Take a 30 day break no contact
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