Is it abuse even if he doesn't hit me?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I got into an agreement over some text I read on his phone and ig and snap. I disagreed with him. He was cross faded and all that. He raised his hand to me for arguing. I guess... he then laughed a creepy laugh I never seen and took his keys and drove off. To cool down.

[Skinhead-1979]

Raising hand = threatening behaviour = abuse

My ex has abused me over a period of 11 years; she never raised her hand, she never hit me... nothing physical.

She weaponised love and affection; nothing I did was good enough for her; she destroyed me behind my back; she cheated on me; she withholds my children from me; she accuses me of some of the most disgusting things you can think of; pushed me to suicide and would have left me to die if she could.

And prior to all of this she has groomed me for 3 years; which is also abuse.

[Asker]

I hope you are a lot happier being away from that. No one deserves to be treated that way at all. Groomed you? That's not right!!! Even with all the bad narcissistic behaviors he has since we got married and the cheating and the almost hitting me and driving off to cool down. When we talked about it saying it wasn't worth hitting you. As an apology. I think he never showed the real him until we got married. Since we got married I think he feels he owns me. Makes demands even tho he's done so much wrong. I'm happy being away from him. But sick part is I miss being around him. Sick part after he raised his hand at me. I ran and chased him as he drove off. It caused me to have high blood pressure. Being pregnant it's not safe. I'm Glad you are free from all that mess

[Skinhead-1979]

"But sick part is I miss being around him"

I know what you mean there... I still feel physically/ sexually attracted to her, I still think daily about her (it's been 4.5 years ago that she cast me aside); and, lets be honest, I still love her. Not the woman, the monster, she is; the woman she pretended to be...

She cast me aside when I had outlived my purpose... I wouldn't have left her, no matter what. I run away from almost everything in my life when things get a little bit difficult or challenging, I vowed never to give up on her.

I know she has had a difficult life... so have I... and I feel drawn to people who struggle; NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, can be brought up by trauma. Some Trauma survivors become much more empathetic towards other people, others lose that ability completely.

"When we talked about it saying it wasn't worth hitting you"

That's a typical way for them to say things... It's still about him, not you; he felt it wasn't worth it... not 'I can't do that to her'.

"I think he never showed the real him until we got married. Since we got married I think he feels he owns me."

Yeah, they are the most charming people when they are 'grooming' someone... but once they got their 'prize' you are theirs and theirs to do with you whatever they want. You have no right to complain or resist because you don't matter.

"Makes demands even tho he's done so much wrong"

Same kind of feeling of entitlement.

Yes, being pregnant puts extra risks on everything... Stress, Anxiety, Depression can have a detrimental effect on a pregnant woman's well being and can cause miscarriages.

[Skinhead-1979]

I am, sort of, free from her... Yes, she is not around me anymore; but she has the kids under her full control and I cannot have contact with them; I am still trapped, though in my head; she lives only a 15-20min walk away from me and I avoid many places in town I assume she could be there (though I have become more bold with that now), and all her 'Flying Monkeys' (*) are nearby.

(*) Flying Monkey:

"When people discuss narcissists, they sometimes use the phrase 'flying monkeys. ' Flying monkeys refer to people who carry out the work of a narcissist or an abusive person, and it comes from The Wizard of Oz, in which the Wicked Witch of the West puts flying monkeys under her spell."

[jahaims]

Neither of you are mature enough for a relationship

[Asker]

I think we aren't a good fit. He can't handle ldrs without cheating. The fact he can raise his hand to a woman. Isn't okay. Thank you for your input. I needed a guys view on this.

[HelpfulWoman]

a creepy laugh?
me and my dude have argued plenty. he's never felt the need to raise his hand at me at any point.
runnn

[Asker]

We aren't living together right now due to me having a high risk pregnancy and the fact I found out he wasn't being loyal during this pregnancy. He's never been like that and his boys had a long sit down with him and kept him most of the time away from me.

[HelpfulWoman]

ah so he's cheating too? and you still think the dude is worth your time?

[Asker]

I just know we have a kid on the way and I been focusing on the pregnancy and I'm not out there with him. The fact he did that. I been strongly thinking of not being with him. Because it's not a great environment to raise our girl in. He will be deployed for 6 months after she's born.

[SweetJoyGirl]

Omg…God forbid I ignore red flags before marrying someone. 😭

[Asker]

I didn't see much of the red flags because we are a ldr relationship. Because of his job and me having a high risk pregnancy. I bet their were small red flags of his cheating ways but never his violent side.

[SweetJoyGirl]

Wait wait…are you pregnant?

[Asker]

Yeah we are having our first baby. Next month!😁

[SweetJoyGirl]

I mean, I am happy for you, congrats! 🎉
But…ummm…please be careful with your husband.

[Asker]

We are living separately. I'm having this baby girl in my home town. While he's out there. He says he's doing better and he's not talking to these women. But I have no trust in the situation. I feel he has a lot of demons and things he needs to work on and grow up. For our daughter. When all that happened I packed my bags and I was scheduling to fly home. He was very upset about me leaving. He's going to therapy. While I was out there he was missing the appointments. He's going to also be deployed soon. So I think theirs a lot of built up stress he's under. It doesn't give him the right for his behaviors. But I don't think he could or would hurt me physically like that. I am watching him differently now since then. I apriciate it.