Is my boyfriend intentionally abusive?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend got heated because he doesn’t want me to go to my best friend’s bday dinner tomorrow. He started calling me a bunch of names and said he’s gonna punch me in the face and ring my neck. I have done wrong too but I have never called him names or threatened him. Later on he cried his heart out to me, apologized and asked if I thought he was emotionally abusive, I said no. What I didn’t say was I thought he was verbally abusive, but is he doing it on purpose?

[bluetoblack99]

He is threatening violence. This is very dangerous and in a matter of time he will fulfill his promises. Unless you got violent and/or threatened violence first he has absolutely no excuse for this shit.

This is not love. Also this is NOT absolutely NOT masculine energy (so many women get that wrong it’s disgusting). This is controlling behavior and you need to leave right now.

Make plans to move your stuff out when he isn’t around. Move somewhere and you call him and calmly and yet very directly tell him you are moving on. Tell him he crossed the line when he threatened violence and you are not going to tolerate that. Do not rationalize his behavior. He loves himself not you. That’s why he’s afraid of leaving. His apology was crocodile tears but crocodiles kill people.

I hate guys like this. They make all men look bad. But what I hate even more is this controlling behavior secretly turns so many women on.

[Asker]

No, I’ve never called him a name no matter how much we’ve argued and I’ve only screamed once at him when almost every time he’s raised his voice. Thank goodness we don’t live together we live with our parents still. I know all men aren’t bad but after him I don’t think I’ll want another relationship for long time.

[bluetoblack99]

Well get the fuck out of this. No most guys aren’t like that. But guys like him “excite” women with their drama. It gets the flight or fight response going and unfortunately that ties dangerously close to sexual head rushes for many women.

The fact you even posted this question tells me you are hoping “he will change”. He won’t. He will only get worse. You should gotten the hell away from him the first time he lost it.

[cheapshotbob]

yes he is ding it on purpose to get you to stay with him he sounds more like needs to ba taken too the wood shed. guys like him are nothing but trouble you need t get away from him before it gets worse which it will.

he is a user and cares nothing for you , and you can question me all you want but the simple fact is that if he is throwing a fit over a birthday party for a freind what do you think he will do if you get married and go to your familys for a party? you do not need a guy like that at all.

i have seen girls older than you go to the hospital due to guys like your boy friend which i dont think he is acting like one. you need leave and not look back

[bluetoblack99]

I agree guys like this need a visit to the guillotine. But more often than not women are secretly turned on by this shit. They mistake his abusive controlling behavior with strong masculine energy and it’s disgusting. I bet a million bucks there were signs of this earlier but she choose to ignore or misdirect them as “love”. A part of her wants to rationalize this bullshit. If she was thinking straight she would of left him immediately the first time he lost his temper with no provocation. In the meantime she passed up dozens of opportunities from “nice guys” who would never do this crap. But those guys are too “boring” so “follow your heart” right? It’s better to feel the adrenaline rush of being threatened vs being bored for far too many females.

I’ll never justify this this piece of shit guy’s behavior. But this IS a two way street. I’m so fed up with women who stick around for the abuse and then when they finally get out of it they want to blame ALL MEN. But they are part of the problem themselves.

[cheapshotbob]

@bluetoblack99 yeah thats how 80% of all feminists every where start there feminist journey

[bluetoblack99]

And it’s “all men’s fault” and patriarchy. Bullshit.

Women are attracted to these shitheads like a moth to the flame.

[MzAsh]

What he is doing is wrong, whether he means to or not. He likely has anger management issues, or control issues at best. At worst, this could be a symptom of a more serious mental health concern. Regardless of what it is or whether or not it’s intentional, the two of you have to get to the bottom of it so that type of verbal interaction never happens again.

[bluetoblack99]

Next time it won’t be a verbal altercation but a physical one. She needs to leave but she won’t because this abuse secretly excites her.

[MzAsh]

I wouldn’t go as far as saying it excites her. Abuse victims are often robbed of their self esteem and the resources needed to leave properly and quickly.

[bluetoblack99]

But there early signs women ignore or miscomprehend as masculine energy. They think the controlling behavior is a sign of a real man. When in reality the guy is extremely insecure in the worst way possible.

No I’ve seen women openly admit that they find controlling men sexy. Well look where this leads. Look how much time and energy she lost ignoring “nice guys” who would never do this shit.

This is not a completely male problem. Women do enable these guys and it’s disgusting.

[MzAsh]

Those are mentally unstable or damaged thinking women. No woman in a right, healthy mindset is going to find that exciting in any way. And I’m seeing too many men interpret it as that while making excuses to be assholes. We’ve got to make it abundantly clear that no matter what, that behavior is unacceptable and anyone drawn to it likely needs professional help.

[bluetoblack99]

He threatened violence with no provocation. It’s a no brainer to leave IMMEDIATELY. But she hasn’t left him and is posting this question looking for a way to rationalize his bullshit.

I’ve left women for similar problems. One time I got a phone call from a girl was just started dating in the middle of the night. She was in the hospital on suicide watch. She got in a altercation with her ex and then tried to take her own life. I was supportive when I saw her but when I drove home I immediately decided I wanted to be no part of that shit. I may be a nice guy but I’m not that nice. I will never be some girls safety net, ATM or punching bag.

He crossed the line of no return. Why she can’t see that is beyond me.

[MzAsh]

Abuse alters the brain. It’s called battered spouse syndrome.

thoughtcatalog.com/.../

[bluetoblack99]

Again this guy threatened her without provocation. That is CRIMINAL. That is a THREAT.

Why are you trying to dance around this with your wishy washy bullshit. She could easily get a restraining order if she wanted to. Women have successfully filed restraining orders on guys for lesser reasons.

Also for having a change in brain structure from abuse. Well I personally was raised by an emotionally snd sometimes physically abusive mother. I was also viciously bullied in grade school (some in middle and HS but I started to fight back). I know what that shit can do to your brain. I’ve seen my mother get violent with my dad and the impact it had on him. He never once initiated the fights too. He also was afraid to hit her back because she was one of those bitches that would cry victim when a man hits back to defend himself. She knows the legal system is on her side.

But does that mean I personally will tolerate fundamental abuse from women? No and fuck no. I’ve walked in the past and I’ll walk again if necessary. I don’t care if it means I’ll be lonely. I will not be a victim.

I have been unfortunately taken advantage several times for being a “nice” guy I still have never stuck around a woman who starts to physically, emotionally or financially take advantage of me. Also as a man I don’t get any sympathy for being “a victim” if it does happen to me. Men get scoffed at for being chumps when it happens to them.

She’s not married to this guy. She doesn’t have kids with him. She’s young and I doubt she’s been in a relationship with him for very long. She’s trying to rationalize his crap but I guarantee you if she sticks around it will only get worse. Guys like him don’t change.

So quit trying to justify her decision to stick around.

[MzAsh]

I’m not trying to justify her sticking around, but it’s important to never judge someone in her situation, even if they do stick around.

[modelUN242]

Wow, your boyfriend sounds mean, you should break up with him if he continues. What's his problem? Are you going to cheat on him? Well, I don't know about your history, all I can say from this is that it's not good.

[Asker]

No I’ve never cheated, it’s just always been a fear of his so he made me block any guys I had that could’ve been friends so I couldn’t cheat. But it doesn’t matter to me because I never wanted to cheat anyway, after him I’m done with guys for a while.

[modelUN242]

Okay then, your boyfriend is just crazy. Yeah you should take a break.

[broken_heart_at_48]

Yes he's abusive unless you know he's joking. You should ask yourself why he doesn't want you to go to your friends? Is it in anyway controlling or anything like that and is this the first time he's acted like this towards you? Does he seem to get upset easily or act aggressive with other people? I mean there will be signs that this is a problem and you just have to be honest with yourself. If he has an anger problem it's not worth it you should end your relationship and move on. This is coming from someone that has had anger problems my whole life and even though I don't and never have beat on women I've been in trouble a hand full of times with the law for violence and was locked up a couple times. It's not worth it plus even though I know not everyone with anger problems hits women but too many do so as a dad I say end it find a guy that knows how to deal with his anger in a safe and healthy way. I wouldn't want my daughter to date a guy like me.

[SomeGirl88]

I don't know about intentionally, but he definitely sounds abusive. The guy is emotionally unstable. Trust me, any man who acts like this is not worth your time. I am speaking from personal experience.

[Asker]

Very emotionally unstable, I think it’s because his mom is bipolar but he’s never gotten diagnosed for it.

[SomeGirl88]

Bipolar or not, it's not acceptable. It's an emotion regulation issue. A 3 year old can throw a tantrum because he doesn't have the words to articulate his feelings. A 30 year old man-child on the other hand, there is no excuse for it.

[limitedstuff]

No I don't think it was on purpose. More like on instinct. Clearly he has anger issues or trust issues. That sounds like a child having a tantrum to get his way.. I understand getting upset but name calling then crying about it? Very childish

[Asker]

You’ve nailed it. I told him I’d wait for him to be done with his temper tantrum and he said he’s not having one because I made him that angry.

He acts so immature sometimes then he wondered why I flinch around him after he’s said all of that.

[limitedstuff]

Well I can only hope you ask yourself. Why am I with this guy? If no good reason then you shouldn't be with him. Since you also know he's got temper tantrum.

[Asker]

Honestly I’m afraid of the break up because I’ve tried breaking up with him multiple times before but somehow got roped back in. This will definitely be the last time I’m done putting up with this.

[limitedstuff]

Think of yourself first because you decide your decisions. Not him. You don't have anything to be afraid of. Just be confident and believe in yourself

[Asker]

This is very true, I’ve put him ahead of myself soo many times it has to end. Thank you!

[Vulskanik]

Yes he’s doing it on purpose hun he knows full well what he’s doing. I had a similar situation only mine was suicidal and if I didn’t do what he wanted he would off himself. He never did. They know exactly what they’re doing I would break it off with him before your too caught up in their manipulative lies to get out and he actually becomes physically abusive.

[Asker]

That’s crazy because when we first started dating and got into fights he said he’d kill him self and held a knife to his throat on video chat, then one day I just let him act out and eventually he stopped because he realized I knew he wasn’t going to do it.

[Vulskanik]

Mine took the knife and cut my name into his arm 🙄 because we had an argument and I wouldn’t give in because I knew what he was doing. He would guilt trip me into staying in the relationship and was extremely clingy. I was in it only for about a week so it didn't get bad enough to where your at but had I stayed any longer it probably would be the same exact situation. After I left his ass we stayed friends for about three months because I was still scared. Scared of what I don’t remember really but when I got out of being his friend as well he became mean, cold, sadistic. The side that he had “hidden” even though I saw it for what it was back when we were a thing. It’s not going to get better hun I’m sorry but you’re in a really toxic relationship. If you break up with him after this don’t even keep him as a friend because then they’ll be clingy as fuck.

[Asker]

Wow literally everything that you said is true and I’m in that exact situation. It feels very toxic and I am afraid of what he’ll do if I break up with him but I know we will not last so I have to end it. Thank you for your input!

[Vulskanik]

All I have to say is it’s his choice what he does after you break up. If you choose to go that route just remember you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. If he chooses to hurt you call the cops. Also I would buy either pepper spray or a gun just in case he does choose to go that route. If he offs himself just remember he was the one that put the gun to his head or the knife to his wrist, not you. You protect yourself first hun. Those kinds of people are either traumatized or want to be controllers. Try to avoid them as best you can in the future if you want to break up with him. Either that or ask him to go to therapy.

[say4f]

He should never treat you like this. He should be able to control his anger and temper while being around you. Talk to him and if things don’t work out, i suggest you find another man who treats you better.

[djmzes]

Simple

[slatyb]

It doesn't matter whether it's intentional. He's abusive and you need to get the hell away before he becomes physically abusive.

[BellaBlake]

Either way, any kind of abuse is unacceptable. Please leave him before you’re trapped in an abusive relationship. You deserve better.

[Thaly]

Yes because he isn't able to identify that he is abusive and need to ask. People don't say that when you want to go to a dinner

[Jeyvaughn]

Yes, he is. And asking you about it may be an attempt to cover it because he's aware that he is. Regardless of the circumstances, threatening physical violence is always uncalled for.

[DCooper]

Doesn't matter if it's intentional or not, you shouldn't have let that go so easily. That's a behavior that screams for a correction.

[Dinosaursandanime65]

You will know but you need to know if his last is having affect. Well you don't need to but do you. It's like hanging from your back with one leg completely removed, the other cut in half, one hand cut off, and no head.

[GreenGold1992]

Break up with him, it'll only get worse if you stay with him.

[Danny_dan92]

Emotionally abusive is the same as verbal.


There is physical abuse and emotional abuse

[apollo3000]

Hard to tell. Male or female friend - to flirt with others or not?

[Cherokeehp]

No. He’s intentionally abusive. Run away ASAP.

[asshole_]

Yes, he is

He must be a trump supporter/republicuck

THEY HATE WOMEN

[Anonymous]

no out of anger and frustration. he has a temper