Is my boyfriend abusive?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for just under a year, and in the beginning he showed a little sign of moodiness etc. As the relationship has progressed , he seems to have these outbursts if I say or do something he doesn't like. For example one night we had fallen asleep on the sofa , I stretched when I woke up and my elbow came a little close to his face. He got very grouchy and I said I was no where near you don't be daft. He proceeded to get up, told me ' I'm such a twat and to piss off, and went without saying goodbye. Yesterday he kindly offered to take some rubbish to the local tip for me, we bought my dog and he was distressed in the van so I said I will unload the van if he can walk things to the Skip. He said ' Oh piss off, you're such a twat, I'm going home when we get back.' When I've spoken to him about these outbursts , he said he wants a simple life and I make things hard work. He hasn't been all bad but these outbursts make me feel like I'm walking on eggshells. He did apologise eventually , but says Im sensitive and he doesn't mean it this way.

[coldmarch]

I see you're in your 30s, I assume he is too. Very, very hardly he could change anytime in his life about this, not just because at 30 you're all formed but because this trait of getting random out-of-proportion mad about unpredictable things is very very childish and socially not convenient, that surely caused him problems in his life but he apparently refused to learn from it for all this time. It's safe to say he is not going to learn now... He even says it's your fault because you don't make things simple, that makes you see what is his style to not learn from mistakes: putting faults on the others.
Your boyfriend is "about" to make the relationship abusive but mind that a relationship is made in 2. As much as you allow him and forgive him for these things, and keep staying with him like if nothing happened, you're "educating" him that, everytime, he can be more of a d**c a little bit more than the past time. As much you absorb, as much he'll relax into that, and become more abusive. So it's also you making the rules. So far you're deciding to put the rule that all these things from him are ok for you, afterall, and that he could do that anytime he wants.
I don't think you can have a healthy relationship that doesn't damage you in the long term with a man like this who will not change. But some women manage to cancel their self perception with the time and to be complete sponges of such d***heads, and get used to that. Which still make them have severe psychological issues but they mostly bin them or take meds and survive the relationship with those terms (think about many of our parents for example, or women from non-western countries). Also, do you plan to have kids with him? Ok, imagine a man who gets extremely mad at unpredictable things and make kids walk on eggshells but who never had even the time to build tools to not be overwhelmed by that, and who will have a great chance to become like him as an example, when they need to communicate problems. Afterall, mommy allows... Not saying this will happen but it has relevant chances.
(If it was me, the first outburst would be already a dealbreaker for me, and considering you're not mentioning kids you still have time to look for someone without such issues. The modern world is already enough of a source of anxiety and stress, you might want to have relax at home).
My conclusive suggestion is to leave him, not specifically because of the outbursts themselves but mostly because of the hints that suggest how he won't change about that and is not willing to try (and even trying is anyway a difficult and long change).

[knallpilz]

The question shouldn't be whether or not he's abusive. Not even if you're OK with his behavior (you're obviously not), but what you (both of you) should do about it.
If there's things he's sensitive about, you should care about them. You need to find out, what that it, specifically, though, and that's never easy.
And if there's things he does that bother you, he should care about that too.

Any relationship needs two willing participants. Willing to make it work, I mean.

[supcurA]

being silent doesn't mean agression

[TrillXHippy]

What’s the definition of abusive?

[MountAverage]

Break up.