Why does my coworker ignore me?

[Anonymous]

My coworker ignores me from time to time, especially around other colleagues/friends, like responding with one word answers in a very unenthusiastic/passive aggressive tone, which he doesn’t do with anyone else. However, at other times during the day/next day he is very attentive to me, and we joke around together. Basically he plays hot and cold. Why does he do this?

Now I am ignoring him because I feel hurt and I don’t want to talk to someone who doesn’t seem to respect me as a friend…and he tries to talk to me/says hi to me still occasionally, despite me very obviously giving him the cold shoulder. What does this mean, why does he do this?

[DoggyDude]

So, everyone has moments when they are more or less ready for social interactions. It may have nothing to do with you at all but might just be the temprement of that individual at the times you choose to speak to him. It is a bad idea to try to judge how he interacts with others to assess how he is with you, because there's so many reasons.. I'll list just a few:

1) He might have long history with other people meaning he finds it easier to speak with them
2) Others may understand the types of interactions under which he thrives and focus their interactions with him in that respect
3) Your questions themselves might be complicated for him (it can be hard to judge for a person who is relaxed what question might prove complex for someone who is less relaxed, and cultural interperataion plays a role as does personal history).

So, starters, this may be noting more than his nature.

That said, I can suggest a whole heap of possible reasons someone might react this way, but it is like me guessing the weather (plausable interperatation of the possible, but not scientific or reflective of any metorlogical knowledge). Still lets see:

1) The things you say to him might be turning him cold. Some people don't see the affect of what they say as they can be one and the same people who would be fine if someone said it to them ( a good example of this is 'odd greeting', some people think nothing of making jokes right out the gate like 'hey down there!' [to short people] or "what's up dog"; other people find these over familiar or common, it needs good judgement to know which to use with what person).

2) The fact you start ignoring him because you feel he's disrespecting you might be entirely why he's cold with you; The 'I don't need this' factor. Guys have a term for this if it applies, its "high maintainance" (again not saying this applies but its always a possible reason, and you sighting ignoring him because of his behaviour leans into that idea).

3) He likes you, and when he does something he thinks that should promote closeness or otherwise allow you to become better aquaninted, you, possibly without knowing make him feel your not getting him or feel your reaction is highly unfair towards his. Leaving him feeling umbridge by the afternoon at your over time interactions. The next day, after a break from you feeling ready for a reset. Maybe had some better interactions and more enjoys the day.

Whats the answer? Need to relax and just don't try to second guess how his reactions are. If your feeling his interactions are something negative, politely end your chat with a smile and go talk with someone else. If you do this, and assuming he's interested, over time he will seek to improve himself without need for your assessments and also better like you for not seeming yourself judgmental to his interactions.

[Asker]

Thank you for the detailed answer - I sometimes think maybe it’s my lack of reciprocation that makes him not want to talk to me, which I don’t deliberately do, but I realise afterwards that I could have been more enthusiastic when interacting with him.

[DoggyDude]

It's always tricky when you like someone, I find personally I tend to fall apart quickly when I am overly interested. Get too much in my head, doubt everything, try to minimise everything. It's a huge negative, and being aware of it, doesn't always allow one to change that (but it does help me setup more to hopefully not have it impact things early enough to get to know people to give life a chance).

In the end, we have to hope, for the areas we may be a weak communicator / indicator, the right person will be strong and help us be our best selves (way easier to say, harder to follow, but I know its right).

The most difficult thing is remaining relaxed when everything is going amazing! It's way too easy to get more and more doubtful as things get more and mor real. The longer you can keep your head space one of cool, carm collectedness, the better. Putting that another way, if I could relax and not worry too much I'd find out way more about the possible (and it would evolve on its own terms). As we age, the temptation to rush gets bigger, its always a mistake to rush, but never a mistake to take incremental risks with someone whos reflected truly they care.

[DoggyDude]

Oh when I say cool, calm and collected; All the while, smiling and if the other person isn't obviously indicating back, just try to cheer there day with a joke and always have them remember that about you; Cool, collected a lovely smile and enouraging :).

[Anonymous]

Maybe he does that to show he doesn't want to be your friend , maybe something else 😆

I agree with other comments work is for work

[Anonymous]

You really shouldn’t label people’s moods and tones based off your own feelings and your own interpretations of what someone’s behavior means. Unwarranted, mind you. It’s way too often people assume someone is feeling this or that rather than having the balls to just ask, or just talk. Be direct. He doesn’t know you’re feeling anything you’re feeling because you don’t vocalize it, then you walk around sulking, ignoring him as if he should just magically understand your feelings in the first place. It comes off as very passive aggressive and possibly why he ignores you sometimes, because you’re in your feelings.

[SugarSugarplum]

The only time I have ever done this to anyone is when they tend to chat too much, eating up my productive hours and making all my projects late. I'm not saying this is you, but maybe dial up the coworker and dial down the "friend" aspect a few notches.

[Booklover_90]

Not everyone at work is your friend. A co-worker of mine found that out the hard way. Anyway, go to work, do your job and go home. Don’t wonder why someone doesn’t talk to you or acts funny towards you. Unless he’s harassing you and/or interfering with your job performance, let him be.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. You shouldn't have workplace relationships anyway.