What does it mean when he can't commit but also can't let you go?

[Milady281]

I have this thing going on with a guy friend for over a year now. We both can't really open up for different reasons and he always said commitment is not easy for him. So everything never really came to any outcome, even though we became really close, physically and mentally. Last night he was standing outside under my window and wanted to talk things out because I was mad at him for being kinda rude for months now, so I pulled back. Then this morning I found a rose in front of my door. We'll talk about it soon but I don't know what that means at all. Any advice?

[D_Bone_Steak]

So you want commitment... and he doesn't really want to get locked down into commitment with you.

So I guess you're wondering why? I can make a series of guesses, but only you will know which guess is most likely correct. With that said, here I go...

Has he been burned by women in his past?
Does he reserve the right to fuck another woman if one pops up? (Is he that kind of man? basically)
What would he be committing to (you) and is that what he really wants long term? Like, are you already overweight and only show signs of packing on more fat like an animal getting ready for a winter that never comes? Have you displayed cheating like behavior, which is a red flag because you'll eventually just cheat if you display those behaviors (clubs/bars/parties/flirting with others/overly accepting of undue interest/attention whore)? This is multiplicative if he's been burned before in that way. If I had a few hundred dollars for every woman I've met that demands commitment and then cheats, I'd be pretty rich.

Do you have trash habits like a substance abuse problem, don't know how to handle your money, can't clean your fucking house, and so on?

I'll stop there, because you get the idea by now... you gotta figure out what it is though and see if there is a way to work it out if you want it to work. Like I stated, only you are going to be able to identify the real reasons. My guess is there is some reason he's not committing, you want commitment though and are threatening to pull away entirely unless you get what you want, and he doesn't want to lose what he does have with you. That could be friendship or whatever, but you know what I'm thinking... us guys love having pussy on tap.

My advice is... if he just can't commit, you will have to leave him to build something with another guy. You could keep fucking with him until you find another man, but let's be real about that... if you're spending your free time with, and having sex with him, what does that leave for a new guy? I mean I'm sure you could meet new guys but you won't have the time/built up sexual need to build anything with a new guy. Is what it is.

[Milady281]

Get therapy no joke

[D_Bone_Steak]

Judging by your reaction to a very logical response... something I said is very true and it triggered some emotions.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

It means one of two things:

1. He's got you as an option if he's ever without a girlfriend. Dealbreaker.

2. He's not ready for a relationship due to trauma/bad experiences. This will always be an issue. You cannot "rescue" or "fix" this.

Either way, I think you need to end whatever this is. Try to get away for a time (vacation, go stay with someone you trust, etc.) Space is a great clarifier. It would good for you to identify what your desires and dealbreakers are in a relationship.

For example, most people can objectively say that they won't date or be in a relationship with someone who won't commit, and that is reasonable and fair. Another thought is that you are single right now. You don't owe him your availability. There's no commitment. He's already beaten about the bush long enough.

I know this is really difficult because it isn't logical, reasonable, or objective. It's emotional and messy. But it will only become more so with more time.

I'd take charge and meet with him for coffee. I'd say essentially four things (tactfully and gently):

1. I don't want to move forward with you (even if things "change")

2. I want to find someone else (I am moving on)

3. You need to leave me alone (This isn't his decision and you don't need his approval)

4. I wish you the best and know you'll find the perfect person for you (it isn't me)

5. No, we cannot be "friends" or hangout or text. I need to move on.

Focus on those things. If he loves and cares about you, he will respect that and allow you to do that. If he is using you, he will argue, beg, question, be sarcastic, accuse you of [whatever]... But the point of this isn't about him. It's about formal closure for you. It's about you knowing you communicated and ended whatever "this" is.

Then, take a break from dating and focus on your own emotional and physical health. It might be 6 months, it might be two years. Establish your own dealbreakers and figure out what you want in a partner without a potential date looming over you. Try to be realistic and don't make an exhaustive list. Stick with five dealbreakers and five preferences.

This is hard, and it's not going to be an easy thing going forward. You'll have to stick to your guns. I wish you all the best and hope you find someone amazing who sees your value.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

*Five things. :)

[CrazyGirl2]

Psychologically speaking, when a man can’t commit to a woman but also can’t let her go, it might reflect a range of underlying issues; It could be that the man has a fear of Intimacy or vulnerability. It could be that he has an avoidant attachment style, where he desires closeness but struggles with the vulnerability and responsibility that comes with a committed relationship. There could just be a fear of failing in a committed relationship or fear of the relationship not meeting his (or your) expectations.

He could be emotionally dependent on the relationship for self-esteem, support, or validation, making it difficult for him to let go despite being unwilling to fully commit, or that the relationship might provide a sense of comfort and security that he is not ready to give up. However because of his attachment issues, he cannot commit either!

It might just be unresolved issues from past relationships or personal trauma can impact his ability to commit or fully let go of the current relationship, or he might still be in a phase of his life where self-discovery and growth, make it challenging for him to make a clear commitment.

There could be literally hundreds of reasons why, but we don’t know him, you do! You likely know the reason already and are simply looking for validation that your suspicions are correct. However we cannot verify your suspicions, again because none of us know him… You do!

The most obvious reason is that he has control issues! He might want to keep his options open while maintaining his control over his relationship with you, which can lead to commitment issues while also holding on to the relationship. But this can be very dangerous, because if he isn't willing to relinquish his “control” over you, that can often lead to domestic violence and stalking (or both) if you attempt to end the relationship but. he is unready or unwilling to let you go! Which is a very dangerous situation to be in. It’s probably time you spoke to him about this, and find out what HE thinks, and where he is in terms of the relationship, and what he wants. You cannot simply go on ad infinitum in a situationship!

Good luck, Laura 🤗 🥰

[CrazyGirl2]

@milady281 Thank you so much for the MHO.

Laura 🤗 🥰

[ohsheeT]

Means that he wants you but really not at this moment in time but he's afraid to let you go because he's afraid that he'll lose you

So what happens is they ended up cheating thinking that they're smart but they always get caught..


Because in their mind there's something they love about you and they're afraid that they are not good enough for you sometimes and that you're going to want more than he can give but these are two different issues so most are just controlling dudes that want what they want when they want it and they think you're supposed to sit around and wait for them it doesn't work that way. He needs to know who he is and what he truly wants if he doesn't then you don't know that either and you're just going along with the ride for the moment but you'll get tired of it too

[DizzyDesii]

Oh that shit pisses me off. My first boyfriend didn’t want me with anyone else but he constantly cheated and I hated I found out so late. Another boyfriend didn’t want marriage nor kids and barely wanted to acknowledge a spoken label yet he wanted me all to himself. After i found out about his pornstar past, I needed a break to think things over. He ended up sexting some girl and I ended up leaving him for some guy who offered me all the things he wouldn't. In early 2023, i trusted this one guy who told me he still lived with his ex because her family abandoned her and he was trying to give her time to get on her feet. But he assured me they were no longer together. Turned out he was actually married to her and taking care of the 3 kids she had by another man before she met him. She wasn't having sex with him nor would she give him a kid of his own, so he met me, keeping that shit secret, thinking he’d get those things out of me. Once I found out, I went off on his ass and in retaliation, he told me they were definitely still sleeping together. I’m so glad I didn’t do anything with him. Long story short, If the guy doesn’t want to commit, run and don’t waste your time.

[victoriaxoxo]

1. Usually it means he/she wants sex without having to put in effort into dating you. Oh also he is allowed to see other people since he’s/she’s single.

2. Very very occasionally, it will be more the case that the guy/girl got hurt and is finding it hard to trust people (also means he will be seeing others since commitment to one person now makes him/her scared of being hurt).

Figure out if there is a backstory. Also ask yourself if the guy is particularly out of your league/thinks he is? Does he go out much? Do you know where he spends his nights?

The rose means nothing.

[HollyK21]

Okay so what is the point of this connection when it’s not going anywhere? Acting under the guise of friendship has become an excuse to keep playing these indecisive games for over a year. You two can hardly say you’re friends because are you ready to be his wingman? Are you prepared to advise him on other women, or potentially watch him be in a relationship, giving another woman what he failed to give you? I doubt that answer is a yes. In which case I think you should use this time to figure out what comes next.


Get rid of this gray area and pick one side of the fence — trying a relationship or solely being friends. Commitment is scary, and you will always have some sort of reservations within your relationship so long as you haven’t healed your past trauma. But if you love one another then you work through obstacles, you communicate when you’re having issues and give it a real shot. If it doesn’t work then that will suck but cross that bridge with you get to it.

[Finchie40]

It means he just likes the convenience of
You , especially if you are having sex with him? He doesn’t want to commit because he doesn’t want to be tied down to just one girl , he likes the benefits of having you while keeping his options open , So if I was you, I would take that rose and drop it in the trash can , the same thing you should do to him

[Anonymous]

Yes. Move on!

Because you really don't value this guy enough to make him feel safe in you. So UNDERSTANDABLY he's not going to commit. He has no reason to. Is thier a chance your effort goes unrewarded? Absolutely! But nothing ventured, nothing gained. At least if you made a full effort you'd have your answer. And you could move on knowing you gave it your best effort. But there is the possibility that he rewards your effort tenfold.

The reason I say move on is you've given him plenty of reasons to distrust you at this point. You already said he was distrustful going in. So at this point you're going to fighting an uphill battle. And I don't sense from your question that you really even want to put forth that effort.

So, I'd move on. Tell him you like, you care about him, but you can't be what he needs you to be and he needs to find the woman who can.

[paledreams]

The important thing is - a 30 year old guy and a 24 year old woman - that's an iconic match. If the couple are the same age or the couple are too wide aka 18 woman 33 man or 30 woman 19 man - those couples are just doomed lol as bickering, arguing,

[Anonymous]

YOU have to choose what you’re going to do. If you feel like it’s a waste of time that’s not going to go anywhere or you feel like he doesn’t want to loose you because you’re a last resort if something else doesn’t work out. Maybe he genuinely loves you and if you take things slow it will.

But you get to choose what you do.

[bobby_bush_eater]

Id say run. Your not his first choice, but he wants to keep you around just in case is probably the case.

I could be wrong but... I doubt it.

Either way don't allow him to waste your time, if you want a commitment and he refuses just because it's "hard" then I would without a doubt say run. He's going to play your heart like a harp

[idonotlikeyou]

That means he's comfortable. He has everything he wants and doesn't have to make any effort. I don't understand what advice you're asking for. Either he takes everything, including the responsibilities, or nothing.

[sage2021]

You are his ace in the hole! Just wants you for sex and you are gladly waiting for him to call and come over and have sex.
Sorry, that's it! Period!!

[ProbablyClueless]

It means that you're dealing with an emotional cripple and you should run for your fucking life because people like that never change and will only serve to be a whirlwind of chaos in your life.

[rosemilk]

it means he's selfish... stop wasting your time. or else you'll keep being in this cycle with him over and over and over again, just like the past year

[handsomebradybreaker]

Many men are commitment averse, so they won't be your boyfriend, but still want a relationship with you.

[Crazzyyworld]

Piggy situation

[genericname85]

it's not that he "can't" commit. he doesn't "want to". as soon as you use the right words, things make more sense.

[LiamJHayden]

It means he wants to make as little effort as possible to get what he wants from you.

[Alex-Snow]

I think he wants to talk... take it as a good sign. Has your sex life with him changed recently?

[Milady281]

We never slept together, I made it clear from the beginning that I won't do that with him when we're not in a relationship. So its been to kissing and cuddling stuff, he also never tried to do more even though he's more experienced. That part didn't change much.

[Anonymous]

It means you’re an option, but not his FIRST option.

LMAOOOOOOOOO 🫵😂

[MyBrainsInsaneReign]

It means he likes having sex with you but he doesn't see a future with you.

[Unknown2o22]

Does he have a girlfriend lol

[NOTHINGEVERHAPPENS]

It means he’s a waste of your time.

[OtterMan68]

One word: IMMATURE

[noohair]

Isn’t this called codependency?