I’m writing this because I’m confused. I know its going to be long but I will appreciate any opinions. Good or bad.
I met a nice guy about a month ago. Since meeting we have been inseparable. We hang out all the time. He says and does things that makes me believe he genuinely likes me a lot. He puts in as much effort as I do. He makes plans with me in the future and even showed me to his mother.
But two days ago, he told me to not get too attached to him. The reason is because he still doesn’t know what he wants and he doesn’t want to hurt me. I was very confused by this because I assumed we would eventually get into a relationship.
After having this talk he still came over yesterday and we talked more about it. He opened up and said it’s because he has been hurt in the past and still has trauma/doubts because of it. And he also told me that he has been holding himself back from getting strong feelings for me this whole time because he doesn’t want to get hurt again.
When I asked him what he wanted now for us he said he doesn’t want to commit at the moment. But he still wants to hang out with me because he has fun and loves the affection we have for each other. However with no feelings involved.
But I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to commit. I know for a fact he is not a player. He was a 21 year old virgin before he met me. And he doesn’t even talk to other girls only me.
I’m in love with him and I’m trying not to do anything stupid so I lied and told him that I didn’t have strong feelings. I just don’t want to pressure him.
Mainly I want advice on how I can get him to stop putting up shields and allow himself to fall for me. And I know that it could just be too soon but how can I make him want to commit to me in the future?
Should I also stop hanging out with him as much? I don’t want to feel anymore heartache but I enjoy his company a lot so I want to try to make it work first.
Have to admit, I almost skipped this over and didn't read it as it was pretty long, but I came back to the tab later and have to say, girl, I am impressed. I think you sound like one of the more mature, or maybe kind, young women on here.
I would advise you like this: You don't need to abruptly pull back in an attempt to lure him back to you. But you should probably heed his message that he is not in a place in his mind where he can commit to you right now. He has made his preference and intention known. Now it is up to you to decide how to react. You should do both what is best for you and him. You don't owe him all that much yet, being that it's only been a month, but there's no reason to either give up, or dive full in and expect him to quickly catch up to you.
Are you implying that you and he had sex, it's his first, and he wants to keep having sex, but doesn't want to commit? He can do that. But you'd better be sure, in your mind, that he is being honest about all this, and he's not currently or planning to sleep with several other girls on the side. That would make this entire thing a whole other animal, right? But by the sounds of it, he's a bit shy, a bit timid/cautious, and he's finding some amount of solace in being with you. Yes, I want to make it clear to you, guys at this age are an absolute flight risk. You come on too strong, express too many feelings and hopes for the future with you two, and you can absolutely scare him off. Life is not about expressing yourself, every thought, 24/7. So you both can continue to spend as much time together as you both like (that can be a combination of him initiating AND you initiating. This is not the 1950s and you are not at a dance. Be an active participant in relationships.)
The only way that this may quickly go awry is you becoming too attached to him (maybe you already are.) He's right - after one month, you two are still getting to know each other and you two may just have very different temperaments, where you fall head in, and he is cautious. He may have said that to you because he already sees that you are becoming "too" attached to him. He's worried he won't reciprocate, and that you will become "too" emotional, and he's not emotionally prepared to deal with that. So keep a lid on that stuff. That's my advice. It's your call if you want to have sex with him. If he's getting that from you, he may push the limits of you and your generosity, and honestly do what many guys do - avoid the emotional responsibilities of what comes with that. And that's not ok. Not with someone like you, who knows what she wants.
Be a friend to him, be a support to him, and if you desire be a lover to him. He should appreciate this low-pressure situation you have created. And he may very well eventually decide he wants more, he wants what you want. But beyond that, you don't have to give in, satisfy all his needs, and not get yours satisfied. But... be realistic. You also must keep a cool head, and take a page from their book. There's no need to rush any of this.
When someone tells you they’re not as interested as you are you should believe them and base your reaction on that. If you’re wanting more than the friendship he offering I wouldn’t assume that because he *seems* into you it’ll eventually go there when he has said otherwise. It’s ok to walk away from a situation that doesn’t fulfil us. Instead of the pseudo relationship you’re in maybe take a step back from as much contact, seeing each other as much and if he asks why be honest. You’re more invested than he is and want to maintain a bit more distance so your feelings don’t get more involved
He actively told you why he doesn't want to commit, you're just not hearing him because internalizing what he said might mean the end of your relationship as you know it and that scares you.
If you want to be an ally to his trauma and just be there and wait, hoping he eventually breaks down, that's up to you, but that also isn't your job, on top of probably not being good for either of your mental well-being. He may or may not decide the half-relationship you're granting means he doesn't actually have become emotionally ready, and you may become impatient or resentful that your time isn't being rewarded.
If he is not into you, don't fight for his attention. Know your self-worth. There is going to be many men who will chase you instead. Perhaps now you should focus on yourself first before dedicating your precious time to men who does not deserve it.
It sounds like he likes you but he's afraid and he's pulling away. Considering his trauma, that's natural. With him you just have to give him some time, all you can do is reassure him.
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