When do I leave if he doesn’t want to commit?

[Nevaehashlee]

I’ve been with the same guy for four years, we’ve had our ups and downs and he has 2 kids I have one from separate relationships, he was married I wasn’t. He says he’s to scared to be in to a relationship because of his past and his kids are demanding but I want more out of the relationship and have told him multiple times. When do I call it quits? He’s still “technically” married and seeing a councillor to overcome these issues but we have nothing to show from our four years together. We did live together but he chose to move out and buy a house for himself and his kids (not including me) so I purchased my own house, we now live apart and I want to be with him but I don’t want this relationship I’m currently in. Please help.

Updates

+1 y

Technically married means they seperated 9 years ago but are not divorced.

[PrettyPriya]

What do you mean by "technically married"? That could be one of the biggest issues. With that not truly in the past, it is really difficult to commit and look to the future. It sounds from your details that he is trying to get counseling help. That is a good first step.

I would view that as him wanting to work on himself and his future... which would include you. I would not give up on this. I know four years is a long time but you obviously still have something for him.

Is it worth throwing that all away? Has there been absolutely no progress? Have you thought of going to counseling with him and working on it together?

Also, I really would like to know what technically still married means. That could be the one giant roadblock holding him and your relationship back. Also, take into account the children factor. You don't want to get into something and then subject the kids to a back and forth.

[Nevaehashlee]

Technically married means they seperated 9 years ago but are not divorced.

[PrettyPriya]

Good god. 9 years and they still are married? What the hell is the holdup? You'll have to excuse my ignorance because I am likely not from the same country and don't know how divorce works there.

[Nevaehashlee]

Exactly my thought! It’s not that hard obviously they are there for the kids but still married and making excuses like having a family private health fund together is cheaper and joint bank account for that fund, is rough on me, she’s moved on and is in a new relationship and joining all their stuff together but he isn’t with me. I’m getting to the point that I feel like love can’t cut it anymore and is it worth it…. So confused and ready to give up.

[PrettyPriya]

Ok, so that is a lot more information. I suggest using the update box and copy/pasting that in there for other users. That changes a lot.

If she has moved on and in a relationship, he has to also. They both need to get their acts together and end that marriage. Nine years is ridiculous to still be clinging to things that should have been sorted by now, kids or no kids.

I think also maybe go to a counseling session with him and explain to him and his counselor your concerns. They are valid and I think he needs to make a decision to either man up or risk losing the relationship.

[Nevaehashlee]

Thank-you appreciate your advice.

[PrettyPriya]

You are welcome and good luck to you.

[TacosRAwesome]

Should have left when he told you about his commitment phobia Bs.

[Avicenna]

If there’s no prospect of you getting what you want out of the relationship after four years, there’s no reason for you stick around, and it’s unfair to everyone anyway. I’d end things now.

[Guy13]

Then terminate the relationship. Perhaps, such an action will resonate with him. Be prepared for it to crumble forever...

[Guy13]

Never divorcing is the ultimate sign that on e is still attached. There is no feasible way that a new relationship can be constructed in such an environment... don't care how good the fit seems practically. He is still grieving. Make sense to you?

[nspencer]

Immediately in fact it’s years overdue. You deserve someone that loves you and puts in the effort and until then love yourself! Also the fact he is legally married is a HUGE RED FLAG. RUN!

[nspencer]

Actually I should have said love yourself always but that means cutting toxic people out of your life and only associating with the right people.

[FilmGuy93]

You should have left as soon as you discovered that he's not down with committing to you.

[JPresidente]

He's stringing you along. If he hasn't done it by now, he never will. I'd move on now.

[Wise4myage]

Now, but you should have left sooner.