Men & gray hair and what that means in dating?

[Wolfsreign]

I am curious and would like feedback from the men here. My relationship is a little bit complicated, the gist is we were together about 12 years ago, had zero contact in those years. We've reconnected and have been together since March of this year. During this time he's been dying his hair and beard, he doesn't like me seeing it gray I think, yesterday I asked him why is he worried about it? (He'd asked me if it looked better? I've never even commented on his hair graying) He replied with "I don't know... this was how I looked when you met me.."

I am truly lost here... Normally I can kinda see things from a man's perspective but this time I'm drawing a blank. I mean it's been 12 years.. we've both aged. I'm certainly not as skinny as I was, or as energetic either.. logically I am aware that we will both look differently than we did 12 years ago. Please help me to understand the reasoning behind this. lol

[Lliam]

Women do things to remain youthful looking, like coloring their hair and wearing makeup.

For some men, the only sign of aging is balding or graying. So I can understand trying to remain youthful by dying hair.

I started getting a few gray hairs in my early 20s when I still had long, rock star hair. I would just pull them out.
I got a haircut for a job when I was 26. By my early 30s, the sides of my head from my temples back were gray. Other than that, I was in great shape, full of energy, had a full head of hair, and my face was youthful.

I didn't let the gray bother me. I told myself it looked sophisticated.
And it didn't stop me from getting girlfriends.

I didn't want to dye my hair with home products and it didn't occur to me to go to a salon. Besides, I had been working for the same company since I was 26 and people would have noticed that my gray was suddenly gone. They would have given me shit.
So I figured that there was nothing I could do and I just had to accept it.

But I think quite a few older guys must dye their hair. I've known some old men who definitely do. I guess it's insecurity and a refusal to accept aging.
And in your boyfriend's case, he wants to be as appealing as possible because he wants you to like him.

Once he feels secure in your relationship, you can always reassure him that you think he's sexy and his gray hair isn't an issue for you. For example, there are lots of sexy movie stars with gray hair.

[Finchie40]

Some of us guys’ including myself have a hard time accepting gray hair , I started getting some gray hair when I was 27 years old and I was like No way in hell am I walking around with gray hair at this age. So I would dye my hair on a steady basis , as I got older , I started to not really care as much , but I still will dye it if I feel it’s too gray , it’s hard getting old and accepting being old. I always tell myself when I am 60 I won’t really give a shit lol I am 46 now and I am back and fourth with it people usually assume I am a lot older if I don’t dye my hair , So how old is your husband or boyfriend? If he is under 50 years old then he just doesn’t want to look old , if he is over 50 and still dying his hair , then he might be going through a midlife crisis

[Wolfsreign]

He is 39. So I guess just not wanting to look old maybe? I don't know when he started getting gray hair, or when he started dying it either. I haven't asked him since he seems a tad sensitive on the subject. At least from my perspective anyway. lol

[Finchie40]

It sounds like he just isn’t accepting the fact that he is getting gray hair and not accepting the fact that he is getting older , that’s why it’s a sensitive subject to him. I am pretty much the same way , I hate my gray hair especially when I see a picture of myself or I look in the mirror and I feel so old lol

[KpopMusicFan]

Nothing wrong coloring hair. My boyfriend colors his hair. He wants to
Look good.

[Anonymous]

He wants to look as good to you as he did 12 years ago

[MrOracle]

Most men (virtually all men who aren't - at least - in the top 10% of men) are constantly given the message that they aren't good enough for women. Not tall enough, not handsome enough, not rich enough, not fit enough, not popular enough, not socially connected enough, or whatever.

I'm guessing he feels that pressure, and he's afraid that if he doesn't match your expectations from 12 years ago (plus whatever ones you've added since then), then he won't be able to hold on to you. Obviously I've not met him, so this is just a guess, but it's likely right.

Maybe you need to tell him that you like that he's keeping himself up, but that he doesn't necessarily need to take it to that level where he's dying his hair. He's not Steven Seagal, after all.

[ICanSmellTheCosmos]

Sometimes, when we start to go grey or bald, it's a sign that our youth is leaving us. Like women, men can have a hard time accepting the aging.

I began greying at 17, and you can see how advanced it is now. I've considered dying my hair also. Feel like it makes me older than I am.

[Wolfsreign]

I'm not sure how Gray his hair is honestly. We're the same age. But as far as I can tell it's only a salt and pepper kinda look now. I guess that's where I'm a little different. The aging process doesn't bother me. You can't stop it, so why stress about it? Plus it's counter productive because stress adds to graying sooner and looking older from it.. lol 🤷

[ICanSmellTheCosmos]

Even the most logical people have their illogical blind spots.

He'll come around to the grey eventually.

[Wolfsreign]

Even if he doesn't that's okay. I'm just not sure how to get it across that I honestly didn't see it myself at first at all. To me he didn't look any different than when I met him. I don't want to insult him. Or dismiss his efforts to look good for me.. but I'm not sure how to respond. 😞

[ICanSmellTheCosmos]

I don't know either. I wish y'all the best, though.

[NamerOfStars]

Bodily insecurity isn't limited to women. It's usually stronger with them, but not exclusive. That's probably all there is to it.

[bowenw]

Probably just vanity. Suggest he shave off the beard if he wants to look younger.

[Wolfsreign]

He isn't vain. I've dated a guy that was and he doesn't even come close to being vain. lol

[bowenw]

He probably just wants to look good for you to help win you over.

[Wolfsreign]

That makes more sense.. due to our history. Thanks for the input.

[bowenw]

I hope it all works out for you.

[DrPepper12]

It's for him to understand, not you. This is how he wants to present himself and his identity to the world.

[exitseven]

A lot of guys want to look younger. They are really not fooling anyone

[RedInnocent69]

Nothing. People grey at different rates. I had guy (and girl) friends that started to grey in their 20s.

[noohair]

Many men are vain. They want to recapture their youth. He probable measures his worth by his virility and he knows he is not young anymore.

[EnjoytheDay777]

It's not totally rational, but I know a fair number of guys do it

[Anonymous]

Understand what?