Should I send him the short version or the long version?

[Anonymous]

The backstory is a guy I met online over a year ago started acting different and friend zoned me some months after I found out his real identity.

I’m feeling hurt and I want him to know that but also open to talking through the issue if he wants to.

I came up with two different messages I’m thinking of sending. One is really long and the other is more to the point without excessive details.

We still talk regularly.

Which do you prefer?

A. Hey so there’s something that I’ve been wanting to share with you for quite awhile now.

I’m feeling confused and hurt knowing that you continued to engage in sexual conversations with me for so long when you were actually feeling wary of me. It really makes me wonder if you are being genuine with me at all.

As I said almost a year ago, I fully understand if you don’t want to talk now that I know who you are. But feeling like I need to pretend that I don’t know your name and having to wonder whether you’re talking to me just to avoid conflict makes me feel like the connection might not be natural anymore.

I know I can’t change your feelings, but I’m working on cultivating more self-love and that doesn’t negate mine. As much as I enjoy talking to you, unless we can talk this through and change our dynamic, I feel that I’m disrespecting myself by continuing to chat with you.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this!

B. Hey so I wasn’t expecting you to reach out after I left (website where we met) and after some thought, I think I need to let this friendship go.

I’m working on cultivating more self-love, and as much as I enjoy talking to you, unless our dynamic changes, continuing to do so is hurting my self-esteem.

Open to talking about it but also don’t want to bore you with a long message.

Take care 😊

Choice A

Choice B

Updates

1 y

Latest draft:

Hey, so it was really nice of you to reach out here when I left (xxxx), but after some thought, I’m not sure if staying friends is what’s best for me.

I think we’re both harboring some complicated feelings and I have a hard time believing that this continues to be genuine.

Take care of yourself ♥️

[Desi_Butcher]

Take Route B. It's not worth to give him any sympathy or empathy since he's been lying to you or hiding his real face.
Hope you're doing better now though.

[Asker]

@desi_butcher thank you! The more I think about it the shorter my message gets. He isn’t a catfish but I still don’t want to be friends with someone who humiliates me!

[Asker]

@desi_butcher my latest draft:

Hey, so it was really nice of you to reach out here when I left (xxxx), but after some thought, I’m not sure if staying friends is what’s best for me.

I think we’re both harboring some complicated feelings and I have a hard time believing that this continues to be genuine.

Take care of yourself ♥️

[Desi_Butcher]

@septemberintherain I'd even recommend removing the 'take care' part.

[Asker]

@desi_butcher Ouch! I guess it would be more genuine that way though 😅

[Desi_Butcher]

Exactly 😂 @septemberintherain
If you want we can continue to talk in DMs as the comments would get prolonged haha

[Wayneg89]

I think just moving on without sending either is the best course of action. However, if you have to send one I'd say B because it's short and to the point.

[Asker]

@wayneg89 what if I move on and then if/when he asks send B? Is that more impactful?

[Asker]

@wayneg89 we still talk multiple times a week :/

[Asker]

Oops posted a shortened version in another post. This:

Hey, so I was a little bit surprised that you reached out after I left xxxx and after some thought, I’m not sure if staying friends is what’s best for me.
I’m working on cultivating more self-love, and as much as I enjoy talking to you, unless our dynamic changes, continuing to do so is hurting my self-esteem.
Open to talking about it, but also don’t want to bore you with an essay.
Take care 😊

[Wayneg89]

That would definitely be more impactful!

[Nikki1989]

The short version. Most men have the attention span of a knat.

[Anonymous]

I don't think either of them are very long.

I don't think length is your problem.

[Asker]

Any suggestions?

[Opinion Owner]

No. I think the long version lays bare your feelings. I think you pretty clear. Anything else that isn't clear he CAN ask a followup question. That DOESN'T necessarily mean you're going to get the answer you seek though.

[Asker]

You don’t think it’s better to leave room for curiosity to get more engagement from him?

[Opinion Owner]

No. I'm question whether he even wants to engage. Granted this is based on what I've read. I'm speaking from MY point of view. I think it's always best to communicate but communication only works if both people want to. That's why I said I don't think length is your problem.

[Asker]

So then basically it doesn’t matter either way. Should I kinda ghost him and wait for him to ask what’s going on? I’m not one to play games though really

[Opinion Owner]

I put myself out there for the opposite gender ONCE and once only. If she doesn't think enough of me to say yes then she never gets another opportunity.
I can't tell you what to do as I am not you. I ASSUME you've already let your feelings be known sufficiently. IMHO anything passed that you're beating a dead horse. My attitude is if you put yourself out sufficiently, they know your interest. At that point if they want to pursue something with you the ball is in THIER court.
You can you're not one to play games, but that doesn't mean he isn't.
I'm a firm believer in 1. Put yourself out there. Then 2. Match their energy.

[Asker]

I think this makes sense, also as I said I don’t like to play games and I think this person doesn’t appreciate it either. We talk a lot still so I thought about sending more of an it’s over message:

Hey, so it was really sweet of you to reach out here when I left xxxxx but after some thought, I’m not sure if staying friends is what’s best for me.

It’s been slowly eating away at me trying to remain friends knowing that you don’t trust me. While I take full responsibility for my actions, I know there’s nothing that I can do to change that and it hurts me.

I’m working on cultivating more self-love and sometimes I think that looks like letting go. I hope you can understand!

Wishing you all the best ♥️
——-
Does this make more sense given the situation?

[Opinion Owner]

Again your asking me as though your responses is right or wrong. When we are not the same people. I'm a lot harder than you. It might be right for you. But to me it's conceding too much ground. It's giving the other person power over your feelings. I would NEVER do that. Certainly not if I'd already put myself out there. This is why I keep saying I can't answer this. I can put myself in his shoes, but I'm not him. And if he's not interested it ain't going to matter what you say, or how you say it. But if he IS interested (which doesn't sound like it based upon what I've read) then he'll appreciate the longer version because you're communicating your feelings.

[Asker]

This makes sense. I guess there's part of me that feels like I need to say something because last time I really distanced myself and didn’t give him much of a reason is when he started acting differently towards me and it makes me feel like I owe him an explanation.

[bowenw]

I prefer the shorter version.

[Cyrus000]

Neither. Move on, talk to someone else

[In_Trance]

don't bother sending either. move on