Is it a good idea to tell a guy you need some space for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Is it a good idea to tell a guy you need some space? Also for him to have some space too to rethink things? I know I’ll miss him but I need at least a couple days with out talking to recharge and to figure out my feelings and if I’m ok not talking to him

Updates

1 y

And if he cares do you think he would at least send a simple text to see if I’m ok? Because I know I would

[SteveSmith1985]

I can give you some advice for this. First of all: Yes, it is a good idea to tell a guy you need some space.

If you feel like you need some space, then it's definitely right to tell him, and to take a few days to get the space you need. Don't feel guilty, or badly about it. It's ok to need space.

If he cares about you he will understand. Also, if you explain yourself as thoroughly as possible... he will understand. So you want to ideally quell the fears he's naturally going to have about this, by pre-empting them (as much as possible, depending on your reasons for needing space)

So you want to make sure he isn't thinking that you're breaking up if you're not thinking about that. If it's honestly you, and not him... make sure to tell him well enough that he doesn't think it's a bullshit line.

Tell him how long you are going to need. Overestimate if you want to be cautious, just do end your break when you tell him you will. Tell him an exact number of days. (or however long you need. but tell him exactly).

You need to basically avoid any misunderstanding. He needs to know where you're coming from in asking for space. If you're thinking something over before making some sort of decision, let him know that's the reason. Just avoid him misunderstanding what this means or why you are doing it.

Your update. I'll be honest. Your update annoyed the hell out of me. This is a great example of one of the uniquely feminine logic that, drives any guy insane.

So, you are saying you need space. You're going to tell him you need space.

Why in the hell, would you expect him to send you a message to show that he cares.

How does that make sense?

You have explicitly said "I wish for you to leave me alone please. I need some space" (no problem there).

But secretly (you won't let him know this) you are going to be upset/hurt, if he respects your wishes and leaves you alone.

That's insane. That doesn't make any sense. Not in any world does that make sense.

The right thing for any guy to do, when a woman tells him to leave her alone... is to leave her alone. Period. In pretty much any circumstance, this is true. As a guy, I know that if a woman says to leave her alone. I need to leave her alone. No matter what. My attention is unwelcome and unwanted (at least right now).

If it's a woman I care about, then I can show that I care about her, by respecting her telling me to leave her alone for a while, because she needs space.

It's bullshit, if secretly; the girl wanted me to NOT leave her alone. Now she is hurt because I didn't send a message... after she specifically asked me not to.

You are not the only woman who might have an utterly nonsensical expectation like this. That doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Men are taught to listen to a woman who says "no" or "leave me alone" or "I need you to stay away from me for a while."

Men are not taught to read minds.

This expectation is setting an impossible trap your boyfriend is going to fail, unless he doesn't have enough respect for you to listen to what you're saying.

Your words should be congruent with your expectations. Otherwise, you end up feeling like he doesn't care, and that's entirely made up in your mind. You set the expectation, you get hurt when he doesn't meet it. He has no idea any of this even happened.

I think that update part needs to go. But you should definitely tell him you need space.

🙂

[Iron_Man]

That Sounds like you’re ready for a break up maybe if you’re trying to fix it? You need to talk to him to communicate figure out how to fix the problem.

[Asker]

I did, but I feel like he’s acting a little distant anyway. Maybe to rethink if he even wants to still deal with me. I’m always having anxiety. Why isn’t he reaching out? Why isn’t he calling you now as much? Do you know what I mean? But then part of me feels like maybe I will be doing him the job so he doesn’t have to be the one to break things off. Probably to think about if he even wants to continue this or not or if he just wants to be by himself, or look elsewhere

[Iron_Man]

You need to talk to him face-to-face, and give it a shot and address your concerns not just Quit and assume things

[HollyK21]

Everyone’s different but I don’t think this is a good idea, mainly because I feel like when it comes to dating and relationships you should be either fully in or fully out. Saying you need a break or space basically leaves the other person on standby. There becomes like this unspoken expectation that while you figure out your feelings, the other person is to maintain theirs (aka not losing their romantic feelings you). Unless explicitly stated otherwise then they shouldn’t explore their options with anyone else, essentially reserving themselves for however long it takes you to sort your feelings. They’ll have to weather the emotional distress of waiting days, weeks, maybe even months for be picked, waiting all that time for a “maybe”. Then when all is said and done, you may ultimately decide that you don’t want to be with him at all, rendering all the time he waited pointless. I don’t think that series of events is fair at all, but then again I feel it’s only applicable if the guy really likes or loves you. What if he doesn’t want to wait? What if he’s like “I know it’s you right now and I’m not going to wait for you to know if it’s me”? Now I’m sure there’s layers to your situation and I’m sure you have your reasons for wanting a break but maybe this is just a sign of the end that you are only prolonging.

[Asker]

I just feel like in my situation with him. He is so hot and cold, but it’s not his fault. It’s up to me if I want to stick around and deal with this. And maybe if he actually wants this Relationship or not. To sort out feelings. I have pass trauma, and I don’t want to bring this into something new even though things are going a bit. Well. I told him I have a negative way of thinking and I can be negative energy to people so I don’t want people to be around that or deal with me but I figure I need space so I can figure things out and just to see if I’m OK without him being in my life. Kind of like I need to gain strength if that day were to come with him or anyone else. Also, I think it might be good for me because I have a bad attachment style. That’s just not healthy for me or anyone else. We’ve had long conversations about the concerns and stuff that I have but I still can’t get past my trauma

[HollyK21]

My advice? End that and focus on you, your healing and your personal growth. Then when you’re ready — and I mean you have a much healthier version of yourself to bring to the table — try dating again. Companionship, loneliness and all those feelings that come with wanting a partner, should never supersede or take priority over the work you haven’t done to heal your traumas, and it will always, ALWAYS show. You sound like you know there are things within yourself you need to tackle first and I applaud you for having that self awareness. But now is the time to act on it. If I were you I’d call it quits with that guy, don’t call it a break because it could both leave him hopeful and also be a distraction for you because that’s how you rush your process. You’d be more focused on trying to get back to him than you’d be on making sure you’re really healed. So take it off the table entirely for now and see what happens in a few months. No expectations, no waiting, just seeing if your paths cross later down the road when you’re better.

[bowenw]

It's best to do whatever is best for you. I agree he would text to see if you are okay, especially if he is your serious boyfriend.

[Alex-Snow]

Sure it is. If he cares about you he will let u chill and have some space. Are u living with him or having sex with him? Has that changed at all?

[Sam1133]

Yes please go ahead space give you time to rethink