When a guy says he needs space, what can you do? Am I not understanding enough?

[Anonymous]

I (33F) met this Dutch guy (30M) on a dating app and we've dated twice. We've been dating exclusively (not a relationship) long distance for 2 months.

We used to talk every day, but since 3-4 weeks ago, he told me he needs some space because he feels a bit depressed (work and everything) and doesn't feel like talking to everyone. He basically plays games after work or on weekends.

He would still message me first and asked how I was doing etc, but slowly I found we don't have much to talk about and we stop sharing much about our lives. Last week I was a bit depressed, and when I told me I wasn't feeling good mentally, he didn't ask me what happened, just said hope I'll feel better soon.

I told him I feel a bit upset that he didn't ask about what happened to me, and seems like he didn't want to know about my life at all. And I wasn't sure when he said he needs space, if that means it's okay we don't talk for days..

He said "It's fine sometimes we don't talk for days and we both need some space. I'm so mega tired and a little depressed too. It's getting better but I'm just being very selfish right now and just focusing on me and my thoughts. It doesn't mean I don't wanna know or be there for you, but now I don't know if I can, cuz I'm dealing with some things."

I told him I understand he's not in a good situation, but by not talking to each other, I feel we're getting more and more distant as texting is the only way we get to keep in touch for now. If we're not talking to each other, sharing anything, listening to each other, or helping each other get through, then I'm not sure if we should continue, or I should just give him space by being his friend.

He hasn't replied and read the message since then for 2 days now.

Am I not being understanding enough? But I can't imagine being with someone who said he needs space and not talk to me for days. I don't feel he cares about my feelings. If you were me, what would you do? :'(

Updates

2 mo

Thank you for all your answers. I really appreciate it.

Here's the update:
He still hasn't talked to me and read the voice message I sent to him on Instagram. This morning I saw him post a picture of him and his grandma on IG... And then I found he was playing games with his friend.

I wonder if it's normal that he said he needs space and posts on social media and plays games with his bro, yet still not replying to my messages?

I slowly feel he's giving me excuses when he said he's tired etc :'

[MrOracle]

You've allowed yourself to believe that a LDR (long distance relationship) was a real thing. It isn't. 99+% of LDRs end just like this, because they simply can't sustain the distance.

People used to intrinsically understand that they needed to date LOCALLY, because that's the only way you're going to see your SO often enough to sustain a relationship. But ever since dating apps became a thing, everyone wants to "shop around" for the best possible deal on the entire globe, and so they open their distance up to thousands of miles, so they can "get someone better than I can find locally." All that ends up happening is that they waste a lot of time, energy, and often money, on a LDR that ultimately fails.

My advice is: end this thing, delete all dating apps, and GO OUTSIDE and meet LOCAL men IN PERSON. Yes, that's a lot more work, and I'm not saying it's going to be quick or easy, but it's the only way you're ever going to find anything REAL.

[WindAtMyBack]

There is no relationship and never has been. You need to accept that because it sounds like he already has.

A long distance relationship is not a real relationship. It sounds like you are close enough that you can meet in person occasionally. But eventually one of you needs to move. That takes a pretty big commitment, but that doesn't exist at this point.

You can always wait and see what happens. I doubt if this will go anywhere. I'd keep looking for someone else in the meantime. You don't want to waste a lot of time being "faithful" to someone when it's very unlikely to go anywhere. Even if you are really hung up on this guy and want to give it a chance, at least keep your options open.

[sheikalana]

This is a waste of time. Be realistic with you're self You seriously think this relationship has the potencial to work?

[Asker]

I thought it was possible because I was planning to go back to NL and meet him next month...:'(

[sheikalana]

I'm surprised that you being in your 30s even thought this was possible. LDR only work temporarily given that both of you agree to reunite after X months. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't see your relationship going anywhere. I'm sorry.

[supercutebutt]

Sometimes a gentleman stops craving the touch of a woman and starts craving the touch of another man. :(

[Summeroflove]

It’s why I don’t really date online. When you can’t even see or be around the person. If someone isn’t replying for TWO days. Unless there is something major has came up. That’s a long time.


He’s beinf a coward and can’t tell you what he’s thinking or feeling. Tell him. He can talk and respond or you won’t talk to him anymore.



If he is legitimately busy that’s one thing. But to wait 48 hours

[Flatmanlewis]

Well, he can’t need much more space than he has. Long distance relationships are not true relationships and this means two things. First, don’t get overly attached or too emotionally invested. It can only develop to a very minimal level. Second, accept that as a man he has needs a woman on a device can’t satisfy. At some point he’s going to want to kiss a girl, hold her hand, go to dinner with her, and of course have physical contact. Being unable to provide these things - particularly if he actually really likes you as a person - can be very frustrating. He may have hit the point where he recognizes this and knows he needs to wean himself off of you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you've been very understanding of his situation and respectful of his need for space. However, it's also important for you to consider your own needs and feelings in the relationship. It's concerning that he hasn't responded to your message for two days, especially after expressing your concerns.

In this situation, it might be best to give him a bit more time to respond and then gently follow up with him to see if he's had a chance to think about your conversation. Express that you care about him and want to understand where he's coming from, but also communicate your own needs for communication and connection in the relationship.

Ultimately, if you find that your needs aren't being met and the communication breakdown persists, you may need to reassess whether this relationship is fulfilling for you in the long term. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own emotional well-being.

[RavVid]

Girls like to talk out bad things that happen. Guys don't. I will say such and such happened and a girl will want to talk about. That is exactly what I don't want to do. The less I talk about it the sooner I am over it and life goes back to normal.

For me I might need to go in my man cave for a day or two. If it is 3 to 4 weeks then it is not resolving so it is really very bad or your relationship has foundered and it is more like he doesn't want to talk to you.

I'd suggest you give it a while longer. If it is bad stuff in his life then it may be he can't support a relationship. Neither you or him can fix each others depression.

[strateguy632]

according to book men are from mars this is normal. let him have time alone but if seven days in a row no "converstaions more than ten minutes" at a time, then warn that you will dump.

[Asker]

7 days is definitely not acceptable... It's too much imho...

[Cody2004]

I've had to say this to a few people some people are like really hard to be around. I have a very chilled and relaxed I guess Vibe I sound like a pothead. If I have someone who's way too hyper for instance my friend she is constantly hyper and I guess physical sometimes like she'll jump on me and that doesn't go good with my personality. Obviously I love her she's my friend care about her but sometimes you just need a little break otherwise you'll throw her through a window lol

[Cody2004]

Okay now my opinion has changed because you're quite literally stalking his social media and his gaming account. In my honest opinion here you are terrifying.

[Asker]

He posted it, and I saw it in my feed. And when I log in my Discord, I could see he's playing games. I didn't stalk him.

[Cody2004]

I'm just going to stop this here because you literally said you were checking his messages to see if you read anything. You would get a notification if he did. You come off with obsessed I'm just going off what you gave especially with that update it makes it look like a red flag. I'm just being honest, you're the one looking for the opinion not me. Going to go farther into this because I don't want to get in an argument with somebody online it's pointless. But hey I do wish you good luck but this is too whack for me.

[MackBoy]

It looks like he doesn't care or interested in you because he is playing games and spending time with his friends. i think you should dump him and find someone. if you expect him to reply to your messages, you are getting yourself hurt.

[Gent207-2]

Do you really want to put up with this cycle forever?

RUN

[BonzoInBitburg]

When a guy says he needs space it means he needs space from you. Treat it as the end of the relationship and move on

[Anonymous]

Anything online it's almost always invariably there's another woman in the picture. Women will do this to men as well when she's choosing between two guys. Basically he's letting you both show which is more deserving of him.

[SolitarySolace]

Maybe dont over think it and just leave him the fuck alone? It's not that hard

[DreamLife7]

He doesn't want you, you annoy him, get it through ur skull

[DreamLife7]

He doesn't like u lol. Stop harrassing him

[whistlingwh0res]

he is depressed because he is getting old for sugar mama.

[Anonymous]

On an LDR and yet he needs space? He clearly isn’t serious about you. Not worth the time.

[Anonymous]

I say move on, he's a waste of your time.