What does it mean when a guy says you confuse him?

[Anonymous]

I asked a guy friend out to grab drinks. He initially said yes and started texting more enthusiastically then he's ever done in our whole friendship. I asked where he'd want to go and made a suggestion and he was super excited about it. We talked for a few days, and I started getting in my head thinking he might ghost me. (I had an unhealthy past relationship). I told him it was okay if he didn't want to get drinks anymore. I was scared of being hurt. He told me not to worry so much and that he can't always reply right away. Things only got more tense from there. Then he told me I confuse him and that he was starting to stress out a bit. He said he needed space. What does this mean? What confuses him? Any input would be very much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Gee.. I wonder "I asked him if he wanted to go for drinks"..." i said, it' OK if he didn't want to get drinks anymore".

Just because you thought the conversation was floundering didn't mean he thought so. And you were deciding that for the both of you and giving him an excuse to cancel. Yeah, that would confuse most guys. We can read what's on your mind. Especially with no body language clues because it's over a text.🤣

[Asker]

Okay, that's a fair point I'll admit. 🤣 He did act genuinely excited at first. I'm still confused why he said "you said you wanted to be friends and we are " I will admit I've probably given mixed signals, but it's only because I don't know what he wants and I get anxious.

[jayhams]

It means literally what he said. You confuse him.

[Asker]

How though? I genuinely don't know what confuses him.

[jayhams]

I'm not him how would I know. Ask him how you confuse him.

[Asker]

Okay, well why would he act excited about it and then flip and say all this? He even told me, "you said you wanted to be friends, and we are."

[jayhams]

You are asking me questions as if I am him. Just because we share a gender doesn't mean we share thoughts.

[Asker]

I was just asking for any input that might give me clarity. I figured other guys might have some insight, or at least know what confuses a guy.

[jayhams]

Guys aren't universally confused by the same things. The most confusing thing in that situation is probably that he doesn't know you are bringing past trauma into the relationship. If he doesn't know your trauma he wouldn't be able to identify that.

[Asker]

That makes sense. I've shared only a little with him. I guess my biggest question is, why would a guy seem really into going out, and then get so different acting? Like, would it have only seemed like a platonic invite to him? I guess to me, asking to get drinks seems pretty straightforward.

[jayhams]

Just be more blunt and don't expect someone to know something just because you know it. Just explain the situation to him for what it is.

[Asker]

I understand that. I guess what I'm asking is why did he seem so excited/into it and then go distant and ask for space? Backstory: we've known each other a hand full of years and he always looks for me in crowds, hangs around me, has held my hand, told me he thinks I'm cute, told me we should go out sometime, always hugs me, says we'll never be close friends and he has enough close friends, etc. When he's done flirtier things I've frozen every time.

[jayhams]

Sounds like you both either give to many mixed signals so neither of you want to be vulnerable and make a clear move or he is hoping to just hookup with you.

[Asker]

It just confuses me why he was so excited at first and started texting more and being extra kind. I brought up a place we could go and he was like "Yeah! Okay! I haven't been there in awhile that sounds good." He also wished me good luck on my hunting trip. Little texts that didn't used to happen. His biggest thing was he said I message too much. We didn't even get to talk, emotions were high and it wasn't productive. That's when he said "I'm starting to stress a little bit. I just need space for now." I'm so hurt by it, because I didn't mean to upset him and push him to that point.

[jayhams]

You shouldn't be hurt because someone has different needs than you. Everyone is different. Also he doesn't seem to be emotionally healthy or a good communicator so that plays a role.

[Asker]

I'm hurt that he ever agreed to it. I'm also hurt that he told me I message too much and confuse him and to just give him space. It hurts my feelings, because I'd never purposely hurt or upset someone. I know I get anxious and message too much at times. Usually I keep it under control now. An abusive past relationship has left me with some trauma triggers that I work on every day. It's hard to explain to anyone. I feel ignored/like I'm being given the silent treatment when someone takes a long time to reply or forgets. I just wish we could have an honest conversation and talk it out.

[jayhams]

An honest conversation to talk it out would definitely be helpful. Your trauma is also causing you to blame yourself. Realize that is the way he is. It isn't a you thing. Some other guy might think you don't message enough. If he had another relationship he would probably think she messages too much too.

[Asker]

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I messaged him last night to see if he'd be willing to talk. He hasn't read it yet, but he works on the road all week so I'm trying to not make any assumptions. He usually explains things to me, like how he can't always message back right away, or that he's out with the guys and that's why he didn't reply right away. I don't know why, he just always has. That's why it threw me off when he wanted me to leave him alone. He's never talked to me like that before.

[jayhams]

Good luck. Like you said try not to make assumptions and if this makes any sense you can explain what you feel and how you feel without letting your emotions guide your actions. An objective point of view will get you far.

[Asker]

He said we're still friends, but to stop overdoing it. He also said he has too much going on right now, and it's best to just leave him alone for awhile. This was the first we really talked in a month. I don't understand why he's still wanting to be left alone. Are we really friends then? I'm getting no explanation and I'm confused.

[jayhams]

Tbh I would just move on. He sounds immature in the way he communicates and he isn't ready for a relationship.