How to deal with mean people who comment on your looks as an adult?

[Anonymous]

There's a guy at my university who keeps bullying me. It started with him making fun of my appearance out of nowhere. I remember I was getting in and he was sitting in the stairs leading to our classroom with a guy and a girl. He said: "you look so weird, you scared me!" I didn't mind it. The girl later told me that once I got in he started making fun of my hair saying that I grow snakes in my head like Medusa. I've very wavy, almost curly hair, I'm the only one with curly hair in my class. Further he also had commented that my skin tone is ghastly pale and scary (we're not even White).

We were having a party at university and I was sitting with two of my friends. He complimented them and then he looked at me and said: "please don't wear black, you look like a witch." I am not used to receive these types of blatantly mean statements so I was too amazed to answer. Few days later I saw he had made comments on the post I made of my dog and another guy from my class has replied. They were all ciphers or inside jokes, I didn't realise but I understood that they were being mean.

It's been just few months and I wasn't expecting adult bullies. Acting like teenagers won't make sense. How do I handle it?

[SteveSmith1985]

You had every right not to expect adult bullies. At least not ones who, as you say... are acting like teenagers. Young teenagers.

What usually does the trick, is that the bullying isn't socially acceptable. I am... really perplexed as to the way nobody around you seems to notice that this guy is being an asshole to you? For example, his behavior should have made the two friends of yours that you were sitting with; think he was a loser. They would come to your defense.

How to deal with it? What is hard about this, is that its a social dynamics situation. Usually, everybody would be on your side, (everybody. Strangers who you've never talked to, but who hear/see how this guy is bullying you. Everybody).

And soon enough, he would have no friends, and his social situation would make his continuing... seem ridiculous. He would be the outcast... trying to make fun of you for being weird, scary, etc.

This situation really is ridiculous. Bullying just... isn't seen as ok once you're out of high school. "The crowd" doesn't find any amusement in that kind of bullshit, and usually makes that very clear.

I do not know what your relative social positions might be. But ideally, his treating you badly should result in people he wants to be friends with... not wanting anything to do with him. If that's not realistically something you can bring about, then you're gonna have to fight back.

I am not saying to punch him in the face (unless you decide you want to. And you've thought that throught. In that case, I support punching him in the mouth.)

You are probably better to fight with words.

I realize that it is not in your nature to fight with words.

But if you can't box-him-out socially; you are going to have to do the metaphorical version of standing up to your bully.

So you have to do this according to your own style and inclination. But you CAN do this. You don't have to suddenly become an insult comic. You just need to figure out some weak spot of his. Some insecurity or nerve. Something that actually bothers him. (There may be a bit of trial and error. But usually it's going to be... something to do with being sexually inadequate. It can be related to him having a small cock, being impotent, being a virgin, never having a girlfriend, not knowing how to talk to girls, etc). It doesn't have to be about that sorta thing. It's just usually an easy go-to.

It can also be some broader comment about his behavior towards you. (again, looking for that nerve).

It could be something about him being insecure and trying to seem (what?) cool by being a bully. As a fucking adult?

Basically, you're looking to find the one thing that seems to kinda actually get to him. Be as mean as you can be, without making yourself look bad (so... don't make fun of his dead mother or something like that).

Otherwise, don't hold back in how mean you'll go. If it's accurate, all the better. But it doesn't have to be. (a guy who doesn't have a small dick will still get upset if he THINKS you think he has a small dick).

But you are best to deliver it simply. Succinctly. And like you're bored. Like you are annoyed that you have to waste the energy even engaging with this idiots bullshit at all.

You need to do one of two things as an end goal.

1. Take away all the fun he gets from being an asshole to you.

or

2. Make it more trouble than it is worth to him (in how much shit he catches in response, from you) to want to say anything to you. Make it not worth it to him, in terms of how unpleasant you make it for him, when he bullies you.

If you start responding back. Every time. And you don't seem to even care that he's doing it... he shouldn't have any reason to enjoy doing it anymore.

If, for example, you can say the exact same thing (even if it's not that golden 'nerve-shot' you want ideally). But you have to say it every time. Every time. Like you're bored and just want him to fuck off... but don't care all that much anyway. How long do you think he'll want to keep doing it?

It is no fun to keep making comments to someone who answers the same thing every time. No matter what it is. Because it gets boring. quickly. So pick something.

*Make his life more difficult if he chooses the bullying comment/action. And/or take all the fun out of it. *

Those are the two ways to deal with it. If you do one of those two things (whether you do something along the lines I suggested, or something totally different. It needs to end in one of those two outcomes. If it does. He'll fuck off).

I am so sorry you're having this experience. You shouldn't be. Because... adults don't get bullied like that. They shouldn't get bullied at all. But when they do, it sure as hell doesn't look like that. It's a subtle, unspoken, power-dynamic thing. This is some literal schoolyard bullshit.

Or just hoof him one good kick in the nuts (but not in class). He won't expect it, and he will think twice the next time he decides to say something. You can be immature too. Just don't get yourself in trouble.

This fucking guy is such a loser. How do other people not notice? That's your original problem. That's what would usually save you from idiots like this. They feel they can't be that way... because they can't! Nobody would like them.

[Anonymous]

Well you can do as a lot of people would suggest by just ignoring it. But the mentality of a younger person vs a much older person of different. Your mentality isn’t quite there like a lot of us older people who don’t give a shit. So I get you just can’t ignore it. You can’t avoid him unless you move to another school that’s for sure. But what’s not to say if you did there’d be another bully there. So what I use to do was go w it. He’s hoping to get a reaction out of you to initiate a feeling he gets a high from. So when you feed into it, it just fuels the fire on his part that he knows it bothers you so he continues w it. When I was younger I was overweight, still somewhat am lol but when people would clam me fat, I’d say really why didn’t you tell me sooner. In reference to your pale skin colored I would have said maybe you should put on some shades then I don’t want to burn those beautiful blue eyes of yours. You’re giving him a response he’s not expecting. Sure he may think you’re weird now but chances are he’ll just move on or start calling you weird. I had a patient call me fat boy the other night lol I said so I’m assuming we won’t be friends. He looked at me weird, didn’t say nothing then rolled over and went to sleep.

You could do as one person suggested. Keep notes of times, dates, etc, but that may just make it worse. But by reacting the way you are to his comments it’s just fanning the flame to make it that much bigger.

When he said you look weird, you scared me. You should have said yes you should see me when I first wake up. The thing too is you have to be comfortable w who you are, your appearance to say things like that. So that may take a little time too.

When I was younger some older man made a comment, could call it racist or whatever. He found out I was Native American. He didn’t like me. He said what, you’re not drunk yet? I said no it’s too early we usually start drinking at 5. He wasn’t able to get the response out of me that he wanted, so he didn’t say a word after that.

[Asker]

Actually, I'm not pale. I'm just lighter than people around me. So technically I'm more coloured than a very White person and lighter than someone with olive/wheatish skin. It's like pale honey or golden. My grandmother says I've milk and turmeric skin, the colour that would come out mixing little turmeric in a glass of milk. Unlike most people around me, my cheeks and nose turn pink in sun so they often comment on it negatively.

I understand your point. I just don't know how to handle bullying. I gotta be more resilient.

[Opinion Owner]

Sounds hot lol sorry but the description does.
I get it. Took me a little while growing up too to be more resilient. But I think too what put a lot of things into perspective for me was realizing a lot of people are going through a lot more worse things then I am. So I have to be thankful I’m doing well. I mean just say thank you when he makes a comment like that then co to us on your way. Thank you have a good day. But put a smile in there. But you really have to be happy when saying it cause a person can tell when it’s not genuine. Some people might respond by saying is that all you have. I thought you were more original than that.

[alice55]

I never hard someone in my life making a mean comment about my appearance so I don't know, I guess just ignore them?

[Anonymous]

[Asker]

Lol, I wish I had mastered that art

[slatyb]

This is bullying. Keep notes of where, when, and what was said. Then tell your advisor.

[Asker]

Yes, I think I'll do that.

[slatyb]

His actions are almost certainly a violation of school policy and could result in his expulsion.

[Anonymous]

Learn to give as good as you get. If he tries to get physical with you, then taze the pr*ck.

Don't an easy target. Bullies like easy target that don't fight back.

[Asker]

I think you are right. I probably appear as weak and vulnerable and that's giving him the opportunity to bully me.

[Anonymous]

Curly and pale girls are my type, so he is very wrong.

[jahaims]

By being an adult and not caring what others think

[Asker]

Sadly enough, this trick does not work with loud verbal criticism. It doesn't also work when he makes excuses to sit beside me and stare at me with hateful laughter in his eyes and everyone can see why he's so eager to be around me all the time.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Can you avoid them?

[Asker]

No, I have to meet them daily. Last week one day the person who was sitting beside me in the class left midway and in the next class he got up to sit beside me. He' enjoys being mean so much that if I miss one day he asks my friends when will I return.

[ChicoFromThe305]

How about if you just don't reply or react to anything they say, they can't really continue if you are basically a wall

[Asker]

I basically did that for the most part. He didn't care, he would do anything to mess with me.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Have earphones on so you don't gotta hear their shit 😂