How should I act around my coworker… ?

[Anonymous]

I thought me and him would be cool! We have a lot in common and I told him that because I was surprised not in a romantic sense…but he seems hot and cold.. idk… he speaks sometimes and other times he doesn’t…he doesn’t say bye….

[HollyK21]

Why don’t you move on from this coworker already? So what if this one person doesn’t want to connect, there’s got to be other coworkers to chat with or other options on the friendship/dating market for you. You keep posting about this it’s like you can’t bear a lack of connection. It’s becoming obsessive.

[Asker]

I just want to know people’s opinions that’s all….

[HollyK21]

You’ve asked about this countless times, It’s more than that at this point.

[Asker]

What do you think

[HollyK21]

I think you should just accept that he isn’t interested in building a connection/friendship and move on. If he comes around on his own one day then cool, until then put your focus someplace else.

[Asker]

Sure Holly. 😄 nice to meet you.

Akasemi is out my head. New victim? 😊

[HollyK21]

I figured it out last night Chels lol clearly you’ve got a new victim and it’s ridiculous. Please get help. This is crazy.

[Asker]

Or mind your business

[HollyK21]

You’re so entitled thinking you can tell people what to do lol if I want to call some crazy shit out I have every right.

[HollyK21]

New victim is fucking wild please leave that man alone. I sure hope he turns out gay, the last thing he wants or needs is someone like you fixating on him. You’re literally dangerous.

[Asker]

Cool 👍 enjoy your weekend! I’ve learned from my mistakes.

[HollyK21]

No you haven’t, if you learned your lesson you wouldn’t be here now doing the exact same shit. You’re already fixating on him, acting obsessed digging into his social media, trying to determine his sexuality. The only difference is he hasn’t done anything wrong yet. What happens if he does? You gonna stalk and harass him too?

[Asker]

No im not. I’m not

[HollyK21]

Chels you’re literally doing it right now. You’ve made incessant posts about this guy and his sexuality same as you did with the other guy. You’ve stalked his social media even down to who follows him, that is obsessive and it’s problematic.

[HollyK21]

You should not be getting close to him or any man right now, you must’ve just started this new job in what the last 2 months? It’s not been long and you’re already choosing a target.

[Asker]

Sorry I’m just trying to move on

[HollyK21]

This isn’t how you do it

[Asker]

Ok whatever I’m moving on

[HollyK21]

Ok attitude.

[Asker]

So you think he’s gay and uninterested in me?

[HollyK21]

I don’t think he’s interested in connecting with you, and you need to keep it just about that. Stop making everything about physical attraction and sexuality just because he isn’t trying to engage. You need to start understanding that not everyone is interested in building friendships at work, I know that’s not what I go for. If a friendship happens naturally then sure but I also recognize that if I go to work and make zero friends that’s fine.

[Asker]

You think he gay?

[HollyK21]

So you’re just gonna sideskirt my comment?

[Asker]

No. I was just asking

[HollyK21]

So why not acknowledge what I said?

[Asker]

Yes mom. I will accept that there’s no friendship

[HollyK21]

Literally all I’m saying is to keep it about that. Think about why you’re questioning his sexuality, it’s because you’re equating him not being interested in getting to know you to being unattractive in his eyes. Rather than just understanding that he may not want to build a new friendship or considering that hey, he may have a woman in his life that he doesn’t want to disrespect by forming new friendships with other women; you feel fully comfortable speculating if he’s gay or straight. To me that is quite conceited, because if you weren’t making this all about your looks then what’s another good reason in your mind for him not to be attracted? Right, his sexuality. You should not be doing that. It’s unfair and uncalled for.

[HollyK21]

If you really want to move on and do better then start putting real effort into breaking your toxic cycles. You chased that gay narrative with the other dude until you were blue in the face, don’t start doing that shit again with a whole different person. Not every man who is uninterested in you is gay, but your behavior makes that the “reason” when it shouldn’t be. I mean you’re looking into absolutely everything even him being followed by a guy with lashes, like stop doing all that.

[Asker]

No I thought he was gay because my aunt said he looked like it by the way he dresses

[Asker]

I may go to another school… I hate being reminded that I’m not good enough

[HollyK21]

Is your aunt aware that we’re in a generation of males who paint their nails, wear bags, long skirts, and are straight? We can no longer equate a random person’s fashion/style to if they’re gay, straight or otherwise. Even where I live, there’s plenty of men who dress full-masc yet you wouldn’t know they were gay until they said it themselves.

If you wanna switch schools then that’s your own personal problem. It has nothing to do with being good enough. Why is it so hurtful that this man doesn’t want to socialize? There’s plenty of other people at work to speak with.

[Asker]

I don’t want to just “socialize “

[HollyK21]

Well, you don’t go to work to find a man and/or make friends. You go there to make money, and then use that money to fund the life you live outside of work — which should be full of purpose if you’re living right. Making friends and shit at work is really just a bonus but it’s not a guarantee and honestly sometimes it’s better that way. You’re keeping yourself out of pointless drama.

[Asker]

You’re right. I hope he finds or has his dream girl you

[HollyK21]

Chels he may already have one, even if he isn’t posting her on social media, you don’t know what he has going on. But in any case, it’s nothing for you to concern yourself with. Your concern should be working on coping mechanisms, not taking things like this so personally.

[Asker]

Right so good for him. I think he might have one too. Oh well.

[HollyK21]

You say oh well then you’re back here in a few days. Try addressing your shit so you can actually move past it rather than doing this act like you’re good with something when you’re really not.

[Asker]

Whatever Holly. You don’t have to keep bringing up his dream girl

[HollyK21]

I don't know what you’re talking about.

[Hardon-Collider]

See the person. Not 'coworker' or 'the one who sits next to me,' but the actual, unique individual standing there. Stop thinking about your role, your job, your needs, and just look at them. See them as they are, right now. That's the only way to build a real connection. Otherwise, you're just building a wall and calling it a 'relationship.

[mysteriousNicholas]

They often say, to be that guy, - don't business and pleasure + 🙏

[mysteriousNicholas]

*don't *mix + gag deleted my word awww cries 😢

[mysteriousNicholas]

I guess some employers aren't fond of workers dating coworkers - shrug

[WhitneySnow]

He still thinks you meant in a romantic sense. He’s probably a wannabe player, which is why he’s treating you hot and cold.

[Asker]

I see him as a nerdy, skinny guy… def not a player. When I say hot and cold not mean but I don't know

[WhitneySnow]

That’s why I said wannabe. Or maybe he’s just doing it because he’s shy.

[Asker]

He does have a shy demeanor but his major is in communication and does radio on the side so I’m confused on why he would be shy and he’s a sports announcer

[WhitneySnow]

Interesting. It’s possible he really likes you. But either way, I’m pretty sure he thinks you like him romantically.

[Asker]

Oh lord… I’m 2 years older than him.

[WhitneySnow]

That’s no big deal! But if you don’t like him that way then you don’t.

[Asker]

I thought he was gay lowkey

[WhitneySnow]

I don’t think he is

[Asker]

How do you know lol

[WhitneySnow]

By how he’s acting around you. Gay men don’t do that. Not saying he couldn’t be bi though.

[Asker]

Oh okay.. yeah I don't know.. but I don’t think he likes me lol

Maybe he’s not attracted to me

[WhitneySnow]

He might be, or he might genuinely be uninterested. But I don’t think he’s gay.

I have to go. Have a great night.

[Asker]

Thanks Whitney!

[WhitneySnow]

You’re welcome 😊

[Asker]

Maybe he has a girlfriend

[WhitneySnow]

Maybe. You could always ask him. But sometimes there are guys who aren’t gay and don’t have girlfriends, they’re just not interested in us except as friends. Just a fact of life girl. I’m sure you’ve friendzoned guys once or twice. I know I have.

[Asker]

Oh maybe he’s not interested

[WhitneySnow]

It’s possible. But you could casually ask him if he has a girlfriend. That’s a normal question one coworker can ask another.

[Asker]

Not if he already thinks I like him lol

[WhitneySnow]

Good point lol

[Asker]

Okay so today a female coworker was very chatty with him today and he was at his door which is right next to mine… they were walking past my door and he looked in my room and stopped and he said something to me even though he hadn’t said anything to me all day

[WhitneySnow]

That’s good. There’s always a chance I’m wrong and he does like you. But don’t obsess over this. One guy not liking you that way is not the end of the world.

[Asker]

Oh you think he doesn’t like? I thought you felt like he did.. my bad

[WhitneySnow]

I’m not sure. My gut tells me he’s not interested, but he did stop at the door and talk to you, and that’s always a good sign.

[Asker]

Oh okay.

[Asker]

Guess I’ll ignore him

[WhitneySnow]

You don’t need to ignore him. Just be friendly. It may blossom into a romance, and if it doesn’t you’ve got a casual friend at work.

[Asker]

He’s 26… a man at that age is looking for bad / hotter women

[WhitneySnow]

Maybe not. You said he’s kind of shy. Maybe he prefers a shy girl.

But either way you should at least be friendly with him.

[Asker]

I don't know I’m feeling he may be gay or figuring out his identity I don't know

[WhitneySnow]

If the only reason you feel that way is because he’s not expressing interest in you, don’t. Sometimes a guy just isn’t into you, or he is but he’s too shy around you to express it. But if you have another reason for thinking he might be gay or bi, you might be right.

[Asker]

I just feel like he could be but omg when a student is getting in trouble and he turns his grown man voice on it’s attractive.

[WhitneySnow]

Yeah you’re defo into him. No I don’t think he’s gay. Just be friendly to him and see what happens.

[Asker]

I don’t want to be especially when I like men 30+…. He still lives at home… which is fine… but he’s still figuring himself out at a man in his mid 20s…

[WhitneySnow]

Yeah but you are. Just be friendly. Can’t hurt.

[Asker]

I can’t lol I think it’s best if I ignore and be cordial

[WhitneySnow]

Ok. Cordial works. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What were you trying to get out of this.

[Asker]

What do you mean? I was just curious

[spartan55]

Why? Who cares?