So my boyfriend is always asking me questions. Which I understand that he cares, however one answer will trigger into many questions?

[Anonymous]

So for context, if I’m dealing with personal (women things) I’m trying to make sense of the changes in my body, he sees that I’m worried, then will ask, “hey are you okay?” I’ll tell him yes, I’m fine just need to do something important womanly, he’ll then ask, “what’s wrong? Are you hurting? Do you need something? I’ll again in a calmly manner will tell him, that I’m fine, I just need a moment to myself. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do we need to get some stuff?” By this time, I start feeling like I’m not able to move past him without him trying to make sense of my attitude, if someone is asking me so many questions when I calmly stated that I’m fine, and even after I told him that I just need time to do something womanly.. he’ll get upset because I sounded upset. I told him, I’m not. I’m just trying to do something and he’s asking me too many questions. So then, I’m feeling like I’m in the wrong when he tells me that I don’t need to have an attitude. On some cases, if I were to have a headache, he’ll tell me to take something. Let’s say I do take medicine. He hears me groan in pain from the headache softly to myself. I tell him pain reliever isn’t working. He gets upset, clearly runs his hands on his face, sighs very loudly as he closes his eyes and says, “well I don’t know what you want me to do babe. Do you need me to take you to the emergency room? Cause even if we did who knows if they’ll see you at this time. You’ll be sitting there for hours and maybe not even get looked at.” I tell him, that no I don’t need to go to the ER for a headache, I’m just in pain. He will then sigh and say, “well I don’t know what you want me to do. I don't know take more pain relief?” I then again tell him I don’t need him to to help. That I’m fine, he then takes it personal and asks, “why are you get mad at me for? I can’t do anything. You don’t need to be upset at me.” I tell him I’m not and that I don’t have an attitude, I hustle don’t need him asking me a lot of questions.

[Effably]

I am not fond of saying that it is obvious but it is.

He just wants to help. Does not know how. You can just tell him something that would be helpful. Tell him that you've got but that a hug would be nice? A kiss on the forehead? Glass of water? Just being there?

The guy just needs some affirmation and guidance on what to do and that what he does is enough. This is a good thing, just help him interpret you. Figure out what would actually be helpful. Clear, concise communication not just about your ongoing issues but your needs around them paired with an equally clear clarification of what he can do.

Trust me when I say that even knowing a hug is helpful can be enough to make him feel at ease. You learning to communicate that will in turn reduce any worrying.

[Asker]

Thank you, I appreciate your advice. It’s definitely made an impact taking those little efforts into consideration and I’ve seen a bit of a progress.

[bowenw]

He seems to be wanting to help but gets upset when he can't. Perhaps he wants to feel like he is in control. I've had partners like that. The solution seems to be to keep minor ailments to yourself. Hopefully he is not like this in every aspect of the relationship.

[bowenw]

Thank you for the MHO. 😊

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your insight. I have kept many small ailments as you’ve said to myself. Yet, when I do. He gets upset that I haven’t mentioned something. Believe it or not, I’ve had to be the grown up in our relationship. Some issues have risen since this post, where we’ve both been in the same position. I haven’t been able to be given the same time to cope with it as he has. I’m trying to be the level headed on as he spirals. While he does spiral, I try to be supportive. Let him know that he doesn’t have to crunch numbers to check twice or even thrice. I’ve made sure that we have what we need. Sat down with him at the table and have given him the opportunity to relieve those worries as he cries. I’m not expecting a praise or anything. As he got more level headed and better, I still haven’t had the time to cope yet. So as I begin to allow myself to feel the heaviness of what I finally feel come out.. he in turn makes me seem like I’m crazy for expressing myself. I want to cry, I want to fall apart. He starts questioning me. He then starts to fall apart again and at this time I feel like we’re both back at square one. So I have to bury my feelings again and set aside my coping to make him feel secure again. This is how our relationship is like. He is known in his family as someone who is worried and paranoid about things such as money and food (security and stability). With him it’s always (I’ve gone through deaths and this and that.) he knows I’ve dealt with it as well. Yet seems to ignore the fact that he isn’t the only person in the world to have gone through things. I’m more of a, ‘hey, you don’t know what someone has been going through and let’s be nice and understanding. They could be in a hurry.’ While he is a ‘nah, fuck them. They cut me off and we have groceries in the car.’ So.. yes. Sorry for the long reply

[Asker]

I know not everyone has that mindset or is expected to think to the likeness of mine. I just feel for our relationship, it doesn’t help. Opposites do attract, but up to a certain extent. Maybe it’s time to move on.

[bowenw]

Thank you for explaining all that. You definitely seem like the normal adult one in the relationship and he is in his own unrealistic world. If he's not willing to change by whatever means it takes including therapy, I agree that you have to do what is best for yourself and move on.

[DrPepper12]

So many situations can be resolved by either asking or telling "Do you want me / I need you to listen or solve?" It's a MAGIC phrase!!

[Asker]

I have told him even before hand, he’s the type who always jumps to try to solve an issue without listening to the full extent of my concerns. I could be venting about something, and without letting me finish, he will start asking questions left and right. I can physically see those gears turn.

[Staximus]

Well then don't act all dramatic and moan and groan like you're going to die if you don't want him worrying about you or asking questions. If you're in a bad mood he's going to wonder why (due to your poor communication skills)

[Staximus]

A drama queen and a worrier are not a good combination

[Asker]

When it comes to things of a serious degree, I am not one to sugarcoat and moan about it. A relationship consists of many topics and worries. So what you believe is a drama queen is partial to your own opinion. Not everyone cries over spilled milk. I will do whatever is necessary to make sure that milk is cleaned up and replaced. I’ve only expressed my concerns to gather some more insight. Not to be called a ‘drama queen’.

[Staximus]

If you're over there moaning and groaning like you're going to die when you're not then you're a drama queen

[Asker]

Like I said, not everyone cries over spilled milk. I’d suggest also learning about how women’s periods differ from other women. Maybe you’d get a bit more insight. Endometriosis is a thing, so is PCOS. So what you think I could be moaning and groaning about.. maybe don’t call someone a drama queen when you don’t know the specifics about what is going on. You could just answer like the other men in this section who obviously have something insightful and informative to say. That’s how you communicate. Take those as examples. ☺️ thank you sir

[Staximus]

"crying over spilled milk" is not the right expression. That means upset about something that is already over with or can't be changed

[Asker]

It is called an analogy, not everyone understands how those work or how it’s used in the conversation. It’s okay. Besides, as you’ve stated, it has already occurred and can not be changed. It’s the past. Also, there are processes and emotions dealt with “spilled milk”, someone could be upset that it spilled in the first place, others could be alert and take action, or ask questions to help. Anyone could take misery and call it drama. So moaning and groaning as you’ve said, is a statement that lacks substance regarding what is the truth of the matter based off on assumptions made from my question. Empathy is a form of intelligence and while I am not calling you stupid, not everyone has it.

[Staximus]

No, you're using the analogy wrong. Look it up. You obviously don't know what it means.

[Staximus]

You obviously did not grow up in an English speaking country because that is not how "crying over spilled milk" is used at all, ever

[Asker]

There you go making assumptions. But okay, have a nice day and thank you for your comments and concerns ☺️

[spartan55]

Maybe... you are griping about woman problems too much to him.

[ᴍᴀʀʀɪᴇᴅɪsʟᴀᴍɪᴡᴏʀsʜɪᴘ]

You ask him questions too, so he won’t have a chance to ask you.

[In_Trance]

So... what's your question?