Why are debates fun with some people but toxic and draining with others?

[DishLady]

I've been arguing with a guy who acted SUPER INTERESTED but then would pick fights, cool things off and come back again full throttle. In the end it became difficult to mention pretty much anything bc he was very vindictive and belligerent, which made me react by walking away and going silent. It felt like a continual boxing match, which was draining in the end. Now I just tell him I don't have the bandwidth to argue with him.

But other people I'll "argue" with ALL THE TIME about some philosophical point or some technical "why"/"how" thing that gets resolve OR gets shelved till we can each research or ask other members of our mutual work/scholarly/social group for data and clarification. It's actually FUN to have those debates. It's not something I could do with that one guy, despite the fact that we had both agreed to be "just friends" and nothing physical ever passed between us... I don't know why it's so... nasty and awkward. It's not my usual energy at all. :(

What do you guys think?

[Anonymous]

many factors for me. When I'm right about something, know I'm right, and bring proof to the debate showing that I'm right and it's not an opinion, and the other person has nothing BUT their opinion, which is based on nothing factual, but they refuse to accept that fact, it kills me a little inside. When you're able to go back and forth with someone with different opinions, while both people listen and bring up their own good points it's not too bad. Some people like discussion, and some people will refuse to admit that other views can exist besides theirs.

[DishLady]

The one guy twists facts around and starts in with overly reductive thinking that never adds up. I don't like it. I've argued with tons of people (as part of my job but also whenever needed) and it's never like this.

[HawkPerception]

As long as people are respectful of others opinions, it can be fun. It doesn't matter whether the person is open-minded or not if they're disrespectful of your opinions.

However, there are some things that can be debated and some things which are facts. If someone tries telling me 2+2 is not 4, I'll just call them stupid. If someone says astrology is real, I'll ignore them and probably change the topic. If someone says the world is flat, I'll already know they're uneducated and take my leave.

Politics and philosophy are topics you can debate because they're based on opinions rather than facts.

But the issue is, when there are conflicting opinions, especially when they relate to your core values, sometimes it can be extremely hard to remain respectful. For example, if I'm debating morality with an Islamic man, and he says the penalty for apostasy is deservedly death by stoning, I'd get pretty damn annoyed and think he's a dumb indoctrinated sheep.

[Circushowcowboy]

For me the difference is in whether the other person is open minded. When people have 0 intention of ever changing their mind even if a point is brought up they didn’t know/consider, then it just feels useless and draining

[DishLady]

I think honest more than open-minded.

[Spencer10]

I think its how you debate. If you listen and discuss in a respectful civilized way a debate can be energizing.

[DishLady]

@Spencer10 Agreed, and I'm the same with everyone, but the one guy would push till he got on my last nerve and I'd walk away.

[Spencer10]

What else can you do really?

[DishLady]

Nothing. I actually spotted him yesterday by accident and just looked away.

[Spencer10]

If a debate becomes just arguing its time to walk away.

[DishLady]

Agreed.

[OlderAndWiser]

Some people view a debate as an opportunity to win rather than an exchange of ideas, and for those people, “losing” Is unacceptable.

[William7489]

The great debates you seem to have I would guess are with people who are willing to listen and hear you out respectfully when you’re making your point. They don’t interrupt and they’re not overbearing or try to be intimidating. That’s the way it was for me I could disagree with someone and still have some of the greatest conversations that were thought-provoking.

[SixFootSexy]

Some people are very good at holding ideas loosely and others are very sold on their own opinion, spend very little time entertaining the opposing side and constantly use logical fallacies to support their "facts"

... and quite insufferable to hold a discussion with.

[worldscolide]

If they are fun you're debating someone who actually wants their beliefs challenged and want to learn. If they are exhausting it's because they want to be right no matter how wrong they are.

[exitseven]

Sometimes when you argue with liberals it can be like this

https://www.youtube.com/embed/uLlv_aZjHXc

[loveslongnails]

You've never brought FACTS to an argument in the last 10 years, at least not with me OR the other critical thinkers on here. When you are presented with them, you run the other way, call they fake news without verifying them, or just don't respond at all.

That last point is really your best option, because the more you DO respond, the more racist, fascist, rapist supporting BS flows from you.

[exitseven]

@loveslongnails I bring nothin but facts. You just do not belrve them because I did not get them from the NY Times.

[loveslongnails]

You have NEVER brought facts to the table... N E V E R, because you get your news from the 17% accurate Fox Entertainment Network. You also believe whatever comes out of the White House, or Pam Bondi's mouth.

Every time I challenge you to VERIFY the information I give you, nothing happens. Nothing. You refuse every logical step and just spit out misinformation at EVERY turn. On top of all that, you're an admitted fascist who believes anyone who openly opposes Trump should be silenced and jailed. That's who you are. You would know a fact if it crawled up your ass.

[loveslongnails]

typo... you WOULDN'T know a fact if it crawled up your ass.

[LiamJHayden]

Debates with calm people who use facts are fun. Debates with those who resort to hurling insults are not.

[AgentG111]

Depends on the debate topics

[Cidknee]

Perhaps it's chemistry.