Why does my boyfriend act different when he’s drunk/high?

[Anonymous]

When he’s not sober he says things he don’t mean to say when sober like we should have a baby and I want to be more serious with you and doesn’t call me childish he treats me like a completely different person and wants sex more often and is nicer when he’s drunk. When he’s sober he treats me like I am dumb and calls me childish and doesn’t want sex as much. I ask him if he’s drunk and he says no. He’s definitely lying right? Why would he say those things when he’s drunk/high?

Updates

1 mo

And he says we should have kids together during sex when he’s drunk but when he’s sober he seems not sure of my future with me. Why? I shouldn’t believe him when he says he wants kids with me during sex?

[Master_Debator]

Because he's drunk/high... now I will read what you said...

This is actually pretty basic... He's obviously losing his wits when he's under the influence. More judgmental while sober. This is a guy that's going to make some bad choices while fucked up and then blame those choices on being fucked up later.

And I hate to break it to ya... but he doesn't seem to like you much unless he's fucked up.

I'll put it like this... you probably are dumb and childish when he's sober. I mean he's not fucked up so... what do you expect? You don't think your as smart as sobar men do you? Outside of guns against violent men, drugs and drink are the great equalizer between men and women on the intelligence game. You need to remember the vast majority of women are just average... if he's above average in intellegence... Your good intentions and trying hard is about the best you can do.

Now he might be a retard too, but it doesn't sound like it. It sounds familiar. Remember there is more male retards in the male population. But... this sounds like my above average ass has had to deal with type of shit.

A good heart and just good morals will probably make it work but if you try to play vile with someone like me and he's male like me... you're playing with a rattle snake that will fuck you up. One day he will be sober enough to hate the shit you do... if you try to be some sort of man yourself and even if he's still drunk or high he's going to realize it eventually... He might not physically do anything... but who said to most pain can only be delivered through physical force?

You either have good intentions or you don't and even then... prepare for at least a little bit of abuse. He does have a bad habit.

[Summeroflove]

Don’t know generally it brings out someomes true colors

[Asker]

How?

[Summeroflove]

Lowers your inhibitions. When someone tells someone horrible things when drunk….. that’s what they really think. Those impulsive thoughts….. without the filter you just do it.

[Summeroflove]

Generally speaking.

[Asker]

What if he’s nicer to me when he’s drunk?

[Summeroflove]

Maybe he’s a good person?

[lightbulb27]

Because he never dealt with his childhood trauma and now you are dealing with it at this stage of your life... of which you have limited time left to make offspring.

short answer... he's probably afraid. Answer, he needs to "man up".

if he's engaging in mating/reproductive activity with you, you are going to be in deep #@#!@#% if get preganant without his emotional buy in. you are dealing with a child man... as you say it... a boy. why mate ith a boy, it makes no sense.

so stop and work this out and then move forward.

[Asker]

Ok so you think that he could have borderline personality disorder?

[lightbulb27]

too little information to judge. Alcohol scews up the nervous sytem... as does other drugs as does sugar or any food allergy or chemical reaction. Caffeine will do it. I cannot judge based on that.

But it's extreme swing. It tells me he has harbored emotions... ones he does not feel safe exposing unless medicated. That is a counselor... pick your counselor... God, licensed one, books/videos. If he wants to solve it he will, but most humans want to ignore the deeper learnings that are controlling them. Those that want to confront it, will succeed in time. Maybe you can motivate him.

If not, you are wrestling with an anaconda and will be very painful having a child that needs you and he isn't "there" for you... emotionally, financially, physically... because he runs from his feelings.

That's the essence of "man" and I'm confident you know all this.

So start digging into his past, peeling the onion on that human. It's as good an opportunity as he will get. PS, this is all normal, these issues turn up in close intimate relationships.

[Asker]

What do you mean by that? His moods switch one day he loves me next day he doesn’t and he drinks a lot. This sound like BPD?

[lightbulb27]

what do I mean by what?
I cannot diagnose him. Take him to a pschologist... but their viewpoint is very narrow in my experience. It takes a well rounded look. the problem with us humans is we don't see oursleves very well. Our experts in the system are also limited.

You are largely... not relevant. He is wrestling with his feelings and emotions that come up which he cannot rationalize, just knows they are there. The drivers of them are burried deep in usually... his relationships with parents, siblings, and other traumatizing events. If he was in war as example and had head injuries, that be a factor. But still, if he loves you and life and the vision, he wouldn't have this back and forth or have to medicate to get there.
Putting a label on it is nice... then what? That just leads to some DR prescribing a drug to stop his brain from doing that. The real issue is what is going on... that ansewr is in his sub conscious mind and life experiences... possibly ones he doesn't remember ATM.

I had my bouts that sounded like this, but I never was into drugs, so I learned lots.

Why isn't he out here asking questions like... "I'm messed up, I can't move forward without blah blah"?

Lastly, how in touch is he with his emotional self while sober... e. g. operating on his own brain and body chemistry?

I can think of reasons he'd act like that, but I'm guessing and projecting. I'd rather avoid that and let you sleuth it out or him explore it.

ps I'm married now and my profile is accurate.

[lightbulb27]

want to engage offline about it, is ok with me, or here. I just don't like talking to anons that much. It
s an interesting case, probably real, but much better when can see a real person, real history online etc..

[Asker]

Yeah I followed you follow me back I will pm you

[lightbulb27]

I see no way to do that, maybe ou are too new. I'm 10 GAG years old... lol. I'll give it some time...

[lightbulb27]

you may have to post more questions. not sure what's going on.

[Finchie40]

Sorry to hear you are with someone like that , that should be your answer to dump him , for the simple fact he needs substances to be nice to you. and unfortunately it’s going to get worse if you choose to stay with him. Alcohol and drugs can make someone happy and horny , that’s why he is nicer to you , but when sober , is his a dickhead

[Asker]

Yeah unfortunately and he said because of my autism and how I communicate and don’t understand things because of it he don’t wanna be with me long term. I don’t wanna be single forever because of my autism. Why are guys like that? I tell him I’m high functioning all the time and there are people worse than me. I don’t understand since I’m so high functioning he would say that.

[Asker]

What do you think?

[Finchie40]

He sounds like a disrespectful douche bag , dump him

[OneViewpoint]

Seriously? You have no awareness of the impact of alcohol and drugs on human cognition and inhibitions? This is pretty common knowledge.

[Asker]

Yeah I have awareness of it but why does he act nicer when he’s drunk? Usually some people it’s the opposite

[OneViewpoint]

He's losing his inhibitions. His real thoughts that he's normally keeping hidden are stuff you happen to like. Some people are angry assholes and that's what you get when the lose their inhibitions.

[molonski2]

He has a seriously problem , and is abusing substances , in this case the truth comes when he is sober , that's the real him..

[Asker]

He is abusing what substances?

[molonski2]

Booze , and who knows what.

[Asker]

Yeah how do you know that?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he has a problem. I've definitely abused both of those substances, but I don't seem to get any withdrew symtoms and dont have issues taking long breaks. You should ask him to take a break to see if he does have problem.

[Asker]

Yeah definitely so it sounds like he’s doing drugs? He fell asleep on me today and didn’t know why he was so tired and said “we are too different.” He was a completely different person yesterday. Why he like this?

[Opinion Owner]

He probably has other issues that cause him to use maybe?

[Opinion Owner]

You said he was doing drugs.

[Asker]

No I said he drinks and smokes weed but weed don’t cause him to act like this so what caused him to act like this?

[Opinion Owner]

Both of those are drugs. People can develop substance abuse and dependency from both, especially alcohol.

[Asker]

Really? That’s why he fell asleep on me today and acted normal yesterday?

[Opinion Owner]

Maybe? He could just be an asshole. Those both made me tired, the biggest reason I use them.

[Asker]

So why do you think he treated me normal yesterday and today he treated me like I was mentally challenged? Very weird

[Opinion Owner]

There could be a lot of reasons. The bottom line is he should never treat you in such a manner, regardless of his drug use.

[Asker]

Yes you are right. But it’s definitely drugs or alcohol that cause him to act like this right? You know because you had a substance abuse problem.

[Opinion Owner]

It caused me some irritability at times, but I never had issues after a day or 2. The issue gors deeper that just drug use. That is just an easy excuse to cover for bad behavior

[Asker]

Yeah so what is his issue?

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not qualified to say such a thing. I don't have enough context, and I'm not a therapist.

[Maddie248]

Just keep him drunk and high 24/7-365;and problem solved

[Asker]

Lol he’s not serious when he’s drunk and he’s lying when he says he’s not drunk right?

[Tomislav7]

Maybe he's able to be himself with alcohol as it lowers mental walls that we all put up for 1 reason or another. I come across very straight when drunk, as im not feeling like im living under judgement

[jazzy34]

Why are you even with this clown? No ma'am, break up with him NOW. There are more men in the world.

[Maggie77]

Probably he’s showing you he’s real though not the preforming one.

[Asker]

What do you mean by that?

[Maggie77]

When he’s sober he’s trying to show he’s confident. When drunk or whatever he’s showing he’s true self. They say drunk words are sober thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Being drunk changes people’s personality

[Asker]

How?

[Opinion Owner]

Like the way you described. Radical personality changes.

[beefcakebradybatson]

He's intoxicated and free of inhibitions.

[Asker]

Free of inhibitions how?

[beefcakebradybatson]

When he's intoxicated, he speaking his innermost thoughts and doing things he wouldn't do sober.