Why is my male coworker suddenly messaging and working with me daily?

[Anonymous]

A male coworker, who I have romantic vibes with for 6+ months, has been messaging me everyday for the last one month, creating reasons to work with me everyday. Before that we worked for 1-2 weeks in a month. We are on the same team though and attended all team meetings so we did sort of meet everyday. During the last month, he has been finding reasons to get on video calls to work together and has become visibly flirty. I like him back so I do not mind the recent turn of events. He is a senior and skilled at his work so its nice working with him. About 2 weeks ago, we ended up indirectly expressing our romantic interest in each other, being mindful of the workplace. We work remotely. I got to know this last Friday that he is changing teams so he will be moving to a different department from next week. I used this opportunity to give him my personal number since I could tell we both were being very restrictive in our communication since it was on company platform earlier. I also told him that we could not find time to discuss about some work topic that he had offered to teach me 2-3 months ago. He immediately shared his phone number and asked me to book time next week as he will be transitioning to the new department and will still be available.
I would like to understand why he accelerated things in last month. He definitely knew when he started reaching out to me that he was going to leave the team but I got to know last Friday in formal announcement. Also, it is a bit strange because we both know we like each other but neither has said it directly. What does his daily reaching out mean? and how to act with him? We have been mostly talking about work and shared light humour and banter here and there.

[WhitneySnow]

He really likes you but he’s not positive you like him back

[Asker]

Thank you, actually I did make my interest clear to him last week through several mutually understood ways, although these were non-verbal because it was company chat so had to be careful. However, I am confident he understood my reciprocation of interest because I echoed his words back to him that he had said with the romantic undertone to me. Also, he will stay within the company so I had no reason to share personal number as company chat will still be there but I did share personal number because I knew we both needed to get off the company platform. I think he got that hint too. I also told him I enjoyed getting to know him and I'll miss him. Should I be expressing more so he knows for sure? If you could advise, I'll be grateful. Thanks.

[WhitneySnow]

Be as direct as you can without getting in trouble with your bosses. Guys appreciate directness.

@Still-alive what do you think?

[Still-alive]

i see mutual interest there yeah. somebody needs to ask somebody out here lol. if he hasn't done it yet i suggest you go for it yourself anon. that for sure would seal the deal of you liking each other and willing to escalate at least to the talking going on dates phase. so yeah the next move here is someone asking someone out.

[Asker]

@whitneysnow
Thank you for your advise. It means a lot. I’ll surely be direct with him.

[Asker]

@Still-alive
Thank you for sharing your opinion and advise. Means a lot! I think he and I feel relaxed to act and be direct now that we are not on the same team. I’ll be sure to make a move as and when situation arises soon.

[WhitneySnow]

You’re welcome!

[Asker]

@whitneysnow
If you dont mind, can I DM you? There are some details, due to being lengthy to write that I didn't include in my question, but I think it would help if I could share and get your opinion on it. If you feel I write here rather than DM, then that also works. Pls let me know which is ok with you.

[WhitneySnow]

Let’s just talk here. But not tonight. I can’t stay.

[Asker]

@whitneysnow,

Thank you. I’ll leave it here. Please advise when you can.

So, he and I have been working for about 8 months on the same team. It was mostly remote and I met him in person about 2 months in. I had already started looking him but he’s the one who expressed interested non verbally when we met in person over 3-4 days. We later went back to working remote as that’s how our company works but teams meet every few months.

Anyways so we continued to work together and after a month or so, our manager mentioned someone to him in a team meeting, which I thought was a roommate. Our interest in each other was becoming mutual but within decent and professional limits because we were careful about workplace. We talked only of work.

[Asker]

Anyways, so he returned from a vacation in March and when we were in a team meeting, he mentioned his girlfriend while gave me a romantic cue. It’s later I understood that he did that to manage the senior manager optics in the meeting. I immediately stepped back because I didn’t want to give him wrong idea that I’m fine being side option. I actually ignored him for a month straight in meetings and picked work that had nothing to do with him. I’d say it was a bit hostile grey rocking. He was upset and tried hard to regain the connection in a decent manner but I didn’t let him.

After 1.5 months of avoiding him, he reached out to me with a project that he invented just to work with me and had got prior manager approval, so I couldn’t say no but I replied very professionally in chat while he was trying to talk in friendly way and break the ice. I didn’t let him and the project got stalled. This was in early April.

In early May, I saw him sad in a team meeting call and then decided to normalize things as I felt he was going through something so I messaged him and asked with question. He got us on a call right away and he answered my question then he offered to help me with something, even going to the point of suggesting I book an hour with him every week to work on things together. I agreed.

[Asker]

@whitneysnow,

Later I went on vacation and after I got back in end of may, I didn’t message him for two days. From third day onwards, he reached out to me everyday, creating reasons to work together whole everyday. This went on for whole of June as I wrote in the question description. He recently moved to a different department. Also, he have mentioned his girlfriend since February. I gave him my number because I felt it was right opportunity to open a non work channel in case we want to talk about personal things. He’s also asked me to book time with him after he’s back to work on something that he had offered to help with in May.

He’s now on vacation. I actually had looked him on on Instagram many months ago and his profile is private but I did find his sisters profile. I found out that his sister is visiting and she posted a photo with him and his girlfriend but only his girlfriend is tagged. He has disallowed or removed his tag on it. He hasn’t liked that photo. Also, his sister posted few more photos but it’s only the two of them in those and he’s tagged. His girlfriend is not tagged in any of the later photos. He doesn’t know I have found his sister’s profile.

I saw one of those photo yesterday so thought that I should give the whole background and ask you how to proceed with this. In the last month, he and I worked together, we actually grew close and clearly communicated our interest in each other but it was done subtly. Throughout, he never crossed any boundaries of decency and I also acted within my limits. Given so this, I can’t ask him out but I can continue to be warm and see what happens. We have great chemistry and respect each other too. I’d really like to have your advise. I’ll be grateful.

[WhitneySnow]

He’s definitely interested in you, but he may still have a girlfriend. Just ask him straight up if he’s still seeing her and judge from his response if he’s telling the truth or not.

[Asker]

Thank you for sharing your opinion on this, and apologies you had to read through that wall of information.
So far, we were restricted to company chat or meetings so nothing directly could be asked or told, however, he did ask me if I felt reassured or had uncertainty and I did tell him I felt reassured. This was in between work related talk but I understood exactly what he was trying to check with me.

Anyways, coming to your point. Now that we have shared numbers so we have personal channel open. And I’ll soon be able to ask directly what you have suggested.

Thank you again! Your opinion and suggestions mean a lot to me!

[WhitneySnow]

You’re welcome! Good luck

[Asker]

Thank you! I send best wishes your way!

[Asker]

@whitneysnow
I need your advise please. He got back from vacation a day early last Wednesday and he completed a work task that we were doing together and tagged me there and wrote “done, thanks (my name tagged)!”. He also had reacted with like on my comment on that work task which i had left for him before he on vacation. So i DM’ed him and wrote “hey! :) I thought you were getting back tomorrow. Hope you had a great vacation and got well deserved rest. How are you?”.
I wrote this on company chat rather than to his personal phone number. And I wrote personal so he knows it isn’t just about work for me with him.
Before he went on vacation, we shared numbers and I’d told him time ran out and we couldn’t work on something that he had offered to help with. He immediately told me that we could book some time after he’s back from vacation.
He has not replied to me yet and he’s now joined the new team. Knowing him I know he never responds to personal question on company chat as he did the same many months ago but at that time, he did reach out to me after few days to talk about common work task. Now we don’t work together but he knows he had created another opportunity for us to meet online after he got back from vacation.
I am thinking of waiting for his reply as that will indicate his interest is still there but I’m confused if I should message again to bring things back into comfortable work related talk and ask to set up the call to work on the thing together. When he actively built the connection with me whole of last month, it was through work chats and calls, most were unnecessary so I could tell he’s genuinely creating reasons to build connection with me.
I’m confused if I should message him or wait, and so I’m reaching out to you for your advise. Please help.

[Asker]

@whitneysnow
To add to my above message , we work in IT so I understand his hesitation and caution about avoiding purely personal talk on company chat since everything gets recorded. However, things had progressed a lot between us through subtle indirect conversations between work talks on video calls and messages earlier, where we clearly understood mutual interest. I should have messaged him last week on his number but what’s done is done I guess. Please help me if I should wait for his reply or try to message again to set up the work call that he had created as a bridge.

[WhitneySnow]

Just wait for his message for now. If he’s interested he’ll reach out to you.

[Asker]

Thank you so much sharing your advise. It means a lot! I’ll wait for his message.

[WhitneySnow]

You’re welcome!!

[Asker]

@whitneysnow
Hi, I wanted to follow up with you and ask for your advise. He got back from vacation two weeks ago and he has not messaged me directly so far but he’s trying to get my attention indirectly. He moved to different team two weeks ago but still attended my team meeting two days ago, which he didn’t need to as he didn’t do any work in my team since his move. He and I were both off video and on mute since the manager was presenting the content. At the end of the team meeting, I typically unmute myself and say thanks which I didn’t because I had noticed he was there and I don’t know why but I felt unmuting and saying even a word would let him off the hook. He did unmute himself and said bye. A day before that he posted in my team chat that he was looking for help if someone could review his work. I did similar work with him before he left the team but I stayed quiet and someone else on the team replied to him and gave the help.

This may sound silly, but there’s another girl at work who has the same name as his girlfriend. For months he never reacted to her posts, but after that meeting he reacted to one of her technical posts with a red heart. Another person had also reacted with red heart before he did. Also, he reacted with red heart on someone else’s post also before her post. Since we’ve communicated through subtle, nonverbal cues for months, it caught my attention.

[Asker]

@whitneysnow
Continuing from the details in above message, Do you think I should keep waiting for a direct message from him? Or should I message him myself to clear the air and ask if he’s still with his girlfriend? I know that may not be the best idea, but I’m looking for clarity

Knowing him and all that I’ve understood about him recently, I’m confident that he is hesitant of talking on personal matters on company chat but he is likely to reply if I start it on our personal phones via text. He avoids any personal talk on company app out of caution. We work in IT and there are horror stories of girls complaining about guys out of revenge and getting them fired. Most guys are super careful when it comes to workplace relationships, and so I’m sure that he will not initiate anything from his side on our personal phones unless I do it. However, given the chance, he will engage in work related conversations on company platform and then use the same to subtly progress things. There could be a chance that he might be called in to work with me and few others in coming days since we are completing a work he had started before he moved to new team. Also, he still has a reason to message me if he wants because we were going to have a meeting after his vacation to work on something that he had offered to help with.
I think I wrote a lot but wanted to share the details. I’d be grateful if you could guide me please.

[WhitneySnow]

Message yourself to clear the air and ask about his girlfriend

[Asker]

@whitneysnow
Thank you! I’ll do that as soon as I get the opportunity in coming week

[WhitneySnow]

You’re welcome

[Asker]

@WhitneySnow
Yesterday morning, he tried to get my attention indirectly in team group chat (too long to explain here probably but I could tell it was intentional) so I messaged him later on his personal phone number. I just wrote “Hey Tim” because my earlier message on company chat that he hasn’t answered was personal where I’d asked him how he was doing so on his phone number, I kept it simple no-pressure message. He hasn’t replied yet. What do you suggest I do? Knowing him, I think he will try to regain the communication but only via indirect moves on company platform or use work reason to reach out to me.

[imemma12]

see how things go