I wish my boyfriend were hotter. Does that make me a bad person?

Question

When I first started dating him, I told myself that I didn't care what he looked like. He's overweight and hardly ever makes it to the gym. Plus he's always in shorts or sweats and a t-shirt--I've never seen him wear anything nice. He puts absolutely no effort into his appearance at all.

But I'm the kind of girl who goes to the gym a lot and dresses nice. I always try to look my best for him, and it hurts me a little bit that he won't do the same for me. I love him a lot, but I recently realized that I resent him because he isn't as attractive as me. Am I being a bitch? :/

lollipopsforyou · Accepted Answer

In my opinion you're not a b**ch at all, you're just being honest. Of course you want your boyfriend to be hot for you, and you want him to be healthier and take pride on the way he looks because you obviously care about appearance and I don't mean it in a bad way, I mean, you obviously like to look good and specially for him, and you as well as many of us girls know how good it feels to take care of the way we look and dress and our body and stuff.

I really think you should talk to him about this, like tell him you feel bad about him not trying to look attractive for you if you do it for him (that way he won't be offended), or if you don't want to be that direct you should ask him to go to the gym with you or go shopping together and let you choose stuff for him.

Anyways, you have to be honest here, is the problem only that he doesn't take care of himself or you're really not attracted to him, like at all? (Because to be honest, I think if you were, you wouldn't care that much about how little effort he puts in his grooming because you would still think he is hot) and if this is what's happening and being physically attracted to him is something that matters a lot to you, you should be doing some serious thinking. And if this is the case, I'm with you in this, I really think the only difference between a friend and a boyfriend is physical attraction. But if it´s just the grooming thing, I think you two can work this out.

My advice here is that you be honest to him and to yourself, you'll know what to do. And don't feel bad about expressing the way you feel. Best of lucks to you :)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You did it to yourself. You knew he was a fat slob when you began dating him, but you decided to punish your vagina by entering in a relationship and having regular sex with him anyway. He's a guy so he probably thinks it doesn't matter what he looks like. I bet if you gained weight and stopped dressing cute he'd have an issue with it, but doesn't see anything wrong with his appearance. I mean, you lowered your standards enough to begin dating him when he looked like that, so I can see why he wouldn't care.

You guys are just not compatible. You have different lifestyles. You take fitness and sexual attraction more seriously, and he thinks it's OK to be fat, sloppy, never work out and not look good for you. Let me guess, you fantasize about someone else during sex too? I think you should just let him go. Guys like him are what the friend zone was made for.

SunshineLelek · Accepted Answer

Bitchy? Nope.

Your unapologetic, sincere, unanonymous honesty is very refreshing.

You tried giving it a chance knowing that you weren't 100% attracted to him and now you're realizing that his carelessness towards his appearance is having an effect on how attractive he is to you, yeah? Doesn't make you a bad person; you're just honest.

cheesesteak7 · Accepted Answer

F these people that say "no". Yes. It makes you a pretty bad person. You basically:

- lied/are lying to yourself

- are shallow, superficial, and pretentious

- are implying a guy who wears t-shirt and shorts isn't good enough for you. Seriously?

These are all signs of someone of low character. None of these are virtuous at all.

I think how you are wording things is what is really a significant point here. You're really describing two separate things - his actual physicality and his style/appearance (but I guess some girls think those are the same thing..."clothes make the man" right? So stupid, really.).

"I wish my boyfriend were hotter or as attractive as me" are the words of a selfish, shallow C-word.

"I wish my boyfriend cared more about his appearance or put forth the effort I did," is actually reasonable and fair.

Don't like his chubbiness? Talk to him about it. Wish he had better style? Bring it up or buy him some clothes. But wanting him to be "hotter" or match your goddess quality beauty? Then you should probably look elsewhere. The gym should have plenty of hot meatheads fit for you.

One love!

GoodManDave · Accepted Answer

Perhaps you resent more that he's not putting in the effort to be seen as physically attractive more than resenting him because he's not "genetically" better looking.

It's not bad for you to want him to look his best. It's not so good if you're resenting him for not looking like a Calvin Klein model. It's not horrible that you're frustrated that he won't make as much of an effort...

If it's a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker. However, there are things you can try first; like inviting him to the gym with you or distracting him with "action" dates to help. Going clothes shopping with him (don't do a complete makeover, but... just... little things on occasion).

Another very small factor is whether or not he's always dressed this way. Did you meet him when he was in sweatpants and dressing more lazily, or was he well dressed, making an effort, etc when you met him? In this case, perhaps there was some kind of thing that made him more "sloppy" when dressing.

But keep in mind there may be a lot of reasons why he might not seem to bother much.

mrbluesky · Answer

You'd be a b**ch to just leave him right now as the situation is. If you care about someone, you have to be willing to work with him. I'd start by buying him some decent clothes yourself and asking him to wear them. It might sound like a lot of work and perhaps an unfair requirement, but it may spur him into purchasing some nice clothes himself and wearing them. Getting him to the gym is not going to be easy, so I would suggest bypassing this with athletic dates. Try going disc-golfing together, it's fun and it's not too exercise intensive at first (google local disc golf areas near you, the discs themselves are cheap and courses are free). Then move on to something more athletic and slowly make your relationship more physical.

If you put effort into getting him to look nicer, he should adapt and change. If he doesn't after a period of time (perhaps a few months, not more than six) offer an ultimatum, "if you don't start taking care of yourself it's over," and if he doesn't do anything, stop the relationship. If however you dump him right now simply over something that can change, you are a bitch.

Anonymous · Answer

Based on what you say about him, I actually don't think your being a bitch. I think its reasonable for you to be unhappy. Now if he was making a solid effort to look good and you were mad because he was a 9 instead of a 10, then yes, I would be calling you a shallow bitch.

To be honest though, you should have figured this out before dating him. It's your fault that you didn't make this analysis of his personality early on. I think this tends to be a pretty common problem with women. They date guys who they know aren't really that attractive, under the assumption that she can change him and make him more physically attractive. My sister does this all the time. She dates guys who are nice and treat her well, but then as soon as they start dating, she's trying to change everything about his appearance and sometimes even his personality. This makes me question why she is dating him in the first place if she's going to change everything.

standUP · Answer

I dated a girl for two point five years. At first she was taking care of herself still overweight that didn't matter to me because she was taking care of herself and dressing nice. as the months went by so did her care for herself. before I knew it there would be a pile of snacks around her as the this showered slob would be on the couch as I got home from work.

I lightly brought it up to her that I would like for her to just taking better care of herself. she choose to ignore it... As time went by my attraction to her and her slobby ways wore on me and. It just had to end..

Today she's bigger then ever.

emptypackofsmokes · Answer

I'm going to choose to focus on your needs instead of blasting you for finding your boyfriend unattractive. It sounds like you're now incompatible with your boyfriend. It's possible that you weren't all that compatible in the first place.

A couple things to think about:

*You need to ask yourself how long you'll put up with your boyfriends dysfunctional behavior.

*Focus on your short term & long term goals & determine if he can be a healthy participant/supporter of them.

*If you REALLY love him, HELP HIM be healthy! Help him dress well! Go shopping with him for fun, go on walks with him etc.

Good luck! :)

Gustafsone12584 · Answer

From what your saying, he just doesn't seem to put any effort into himself, and that your pretty much falling out of the whole chemistry/love with him... I don't think it's a problem, and it doesn't make you a bad person. We all want our loved ones to be more proactive when it comes to there well being.

On the other hand, have you been trying to encourage him to take more action? How long have you been in a relationship with him? From what it sounds, it doesn't seem to be a long term relationship, because of the fact that your just noticing his actions, but of course I could be wrong.

In my opinion I think you need to talk to him, tell him you care about what he looks like. Of course I'm no guy, but I'm betting it's a little bit of a turn on, when you see a guy well dressed. I know for myself it is. It shows who the person is, that they care about themselves. Anyway I hope what every I've said helps.

MrAtticusLebowski · Answer

On face value, yeah it sounds pretty shallow. I wouldn't go as far as to call you a b**ch though. Understand, you've open the door on this type thinking. Don't be upset when you do find the more attractive dude and he feels the same about you.

So why exactly did you start dating him? is he funny, smart, rich...do you two just click together?

Talk to him, let him know how you feel. Like I said though, it might eventually bite you in the ass.

Traxxus · Answer

See this is exactly what happens when women say looks and appearance don't matter in a relationship...

Anyway no you are not wrong for thinking this way. He is being lazy based on what you mentioned and that is bad. I mean you can accept a persons faults but I think he is trying to get away with too much here.

But instead of wishing tell him what you told us and tell him that you don't like the way he is carrying himself out.

Meedo · Answer

No you are not a b**ch . It is stupid to think that once one got a partner that they take them for granted.

My advice is talk to him honestly. Tell him what you told us . So he could shape up . Otherwise you can't force yourself to get attracted to someone.

Anonymous · Answer

It sounds to me this guy just has a personality flaw that needs brought to his attention. I don't think you should leave him quite yet. Talk with him about it. He probably has no idea how much this is bothering you and has no appreciation for how hard it can be to be physically attractive. If all else fails then resort to reconsidering your relationship.

markacealps · Answer

Its not like that, you have already tried and told him but he is careless about himself and about you. You can not do any thing,if you really like keep trying with him, but if you want a better boy, look around you again , may be you get someone of your choice. I think you must get a boy friend of your choice.

Tractorbeam · Answer

You're a bad evil girl,and you need a severe spanking for it.

It would be a good idea to explain to him that he could be really attractive if he put a small amount of work into it.You enjoy seeing him look good,just like he should enjoy your appearance.

desidoll · Answer

No but you shouldn't be dating him at the first place.Stop listening to hypocrite people who said look doesn't matter.It matters a lot to almost everyone.

YouthfulPallor · Answer

It seems a tad shallow. But ultimately you have to decide whether you're okay with it or not. You're the one who has to live with him.

dirtyblondeforever · Answer

You may be unhappy with him, but I believe you're using that excuse to cover up something deeper, that you don't want to admit

Anonymous · Answer

It depends on your perception. If you believe in the human race and becoming better as a human and creating better baby humans, then it actually makes a you a good person to not like a fat lazy unhealthy person.

It's good thing to have higher level of thought and say looks shouldn't matter so much, but we can't deny our instincts. And I think we can agree that being healthy is a good thing, so being critical of something unhealthy is not bad.

Cromartie · Answer

No. It's too bad you went and decided something stupid like appearance doesn't matter.

mikewnaz · Answer

as a fat man I like that you're giving him a chance.  ask him to dress nicer or buy him outfits. I think in the longrun your better with him...

aMuse · Answer

Heh, if you think you're got all sort of options for hot guys lol sorry could help myself then go land a hot guy...

laseredandpierced · Answer

I could absolutely never be with a gyt who "out no effort into his appearance at all" (your words). Obviously, you deserve better.

Kai2013 · Answer

a little bit. lol but I mean you can mention it to him and maybe he will realize it.

ChristopherLosRivera · Answer

Not to him but to yourself because you didn't listen to your instincts, trying to be morally righteous and sh*t. Leave him, if you don't commit to your happiness then you won't achieve it.

abundantlyrich · Answer

What attracted you to him in the first place? if it isn't about the looks.

kangaru · Answer

Dressing up is a form of respect for the other person. Have you speak to him About it

Anonymous · Answer

You have standards sis and that’s good. Don’t settle for what you don’t want or you’ll just be a jealous miserable girl

Anonymous · Answer

"but I recently realized that I resent him because he isn't as attractive as me." That's not love. Move on and find someone you respect.

Anonymous · Answer

It sounds shallow but how much does it bother you? If it is a major deal than you should just tell him you two are not compatible.

Anonymous · Answer

That's why you should only date attractive people. If people try to ignore and look past somebody's looks eventually you can't do it anymore

SaltandVinegar · Answer

no that's reality, force him to go to the gym and see if he improves

Anonymous · Answer

And this dude gets girls like you and not me? FML I am not Chris Hemsworth, but I am not that bad, geeezzzzzzzzzzzz

qwer1234 · Answer

I'm sure he thinks the same.

DodgersGM · Answer

No, not at all. You're just being honest.

Anonymous · Answer

Shallow, but honest at least.

Anonymous · Answer

Maybe you should date somebody hotter than.

I wish my boyfriend were hotter. Does that make me a bad person?

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