I woke up this morning feeling a little sick..
You might think that would be a particularly bad morning for me, but it really isn't. It's pretty much an average morning for me. Overall feeling a little sick is a normal state for me. I've gotten used to it. I don't usually eat anything in the morning. It's mostly, because I have no appetite and eating usually makes me feel worse. I'll only eat if I know I won't have time to eat lunch and I need to have some sustenance.
Appetite overall is a big problem for me. I don't feel comfortable eating in public and lose my appetite. I can't fully enjoy eating in good restaurants. I usually just want it to be over with. Worst are long trips in a group, when I don't have any appetite for the entire trip. Eating just becomes a chore I need to do to not ..pass out of exhaustion or something.
Now, before I continue I guess it would good to talk about,
What is anxiety?
Most of you have experienced it and experience it in a regular basis, but to explain anxiety disorder, I'll have to explain anxiety. As a physical feeling anxiety is easy to explain as the feeling you get in your gut when you lean in your seat a little too far and feel like you're going down now. It's from the extreme of the spectrum, but that's the feeling.
What if it didn't go away?
That's anxiety disorder. It's constant, always there. There's of course also the mental aspect, but physical symptoms are usually easier to understand. It's stress, it's the feeling of someone looking at you, it's the feeling of having no time, it's the feeling of unease, feeling of too much worry, being self-conscious of everything, constant self-doubt, irrational fears...
What does having a social life feel like then?
Anything and everything that happen in my social life, take over my mind and my life. If there is an event or any social gathering coming up, I'll start stressing about it minimum day before, but bigger and more unknown the event is the longer before the stress starts. It affects my appetite, sleep and my ability to concentrate and gives me muscle tension and indigestion problems. Before starting to take sleeping pills, I didn't have a sleeping schedule and quite often just couldn't sleep.
The closer the event is, the more it takes over my life to the point where a little bit before it I can't do anything else, but wait for it to start. I'll think I won't have time to eat before the event even if it's hours away. Most often I leave early just so I don't have to wait in my apartment anymore.
Once I get to the event/gathering it gets a little easier, mostly because used to being social, but the feeling in my gut doesn't go anywhere. I stress about everything I do and say and what people think about it. I feels like big brother is constantly watching me. Anything that is too far from my comfort zone makes me freeze and I've come close to having panic attacks. It doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself, but I'm never truly comfortable.
Anything social is exhausting for me and it doesn't take long for me to want to go back to my apartment and be alone again. No matter, if it's old friends or even family, it sucks the energy out of me. The amount of social life have is completely dependent on the motivation and energy I have to stand the symptoms.
It's impossible to rationalize
No matter how hard I try. I know what I'm feeling and thinking are completely irrational, but I can't get rid of it and it still dictates my life. I've been battling these feelings for well over a decade and it's getting tiring. I know this is possible to cure and now I'm finally trying, but it's hard to imagine. These feelings are all I know.
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