I was not born like this. In myTake we are not born with social anxiety. It's something that came about in our reasoning. Really we are just scared to let people see our soul. I cried writing this post. I have overcome so much and I just have to let you know you can also.
It started in 5th grade. I switched elementary schools and I was bullied all the way up until 8th grade. The first couple of school years, really 5-6 were the toughest! I had lotion slapped on my arms, because I suffered from severe eczema. The lotions were cheap and scented irritating my skin even more. I had hair gel thrown into my hair, one case, it had aloe in it. The aloe made my scalp itchy, I was scared to let mum know. Letting her know would mean she'd contact the school and that always made things worse. They made bets on me, and not just any bet. A group of girls came up to me at recess and told me that she had to slap me. While she didn't slap me, I sat there alone by the basketball court upset.
In high school, I made a few friends. They enjoyed my wild and quirky self. I felt that I could be free. It was short lived. while my friends were part of the in crowd I was not. Then something happened my junior and senior year. I started taking AP classes and Honors classes. Sometimes I was the only minority in the room. I didn't make any friends although I wanted friends in these classes. It is funny how life worked out for me, I didn't see my friends at lunch. I had to eat lunch alone, the few friends I had were on a different lunch schedule. I defaulted to hiding in the library. I was too embarrassed to be seen alone.
I experience depression in College. I started off at a really expensive private institution. It was too expensive, and I could only afford a semester of it. I began working and attending community college. It was hell. They wouldn't talk to me because I was different. They were downright rude. So I took a vow of silence. Two semesters later, I transferred into state college. I was excited. I thought I would make friends but I didn't. Again I dreaded group work. I was a lone female in a high stress environment. I became a target for people's frustrations. It was hell and I wanted to be invisible. I attended the counseling center, but it didn't do much for me.
I decided I wanted to go abroad. I went to France and it was hell again! I spent 30 days without meeting anyone. I was away from my family and my depression began to kick in again. The other exchange students speculated about me. I had all my classes with them but not once could I speak to them. I was not in, something I was familiar with. They didn't like me for an entire month. Eventually, the warmed up to me and I forgave them but the entire trip was almost ruined.
Coming back from France to finish my senior year, I was exhausted. I was worn out and couldn't function properly. I was depressed and it needed to be treated quickly. I was hospitalized twice in a suicide unit. My professors were cruel, and only left me with the option to withdraw. My one friend that I had made on campus, was inconsiderate and I stopped talking to her. She was very judgmental of my situation, I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Something changed this semester. This semester was a do-over after my failed suicide attempts. I'm getting a lot more attention from guys which is great! I think I'm so close to a real boyfriend. I always thought I was ugly, I was so critical of myself I couldn't enjoy my imperfections. I'll let you draw the connections, to where I never could accept my image. But attention is not what changed my life. I started to speak up for myself. I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN HOW, OR WHAT HAPPENED, BUT IT WAS A JOURNEY. I felt my soul reach out of me and cover me deepest fears. In that I became less susceptible to others frustrations and treatment. While I am still learning to be less anxious, I have a voice. I can let people know that I am happy being myself.
It was a long journey. I did not think I could receive any peace in life. Things changed from thin air! I let my voice be heard when I want to be heard, not when someone commands me. While I''m still shy and timid, I can embrace my unique nature."