Suffered from lots of abuse in the past... How to get over and move on?

[Anonymous]

My mom has severely abused me , physically and emotionally. I am now in my twenties and I am pitiful. If she is displeased with me or even comes near me , I instanty squeeze my eyes shut or cower.. expecting some cruel treatment. It has become some kind of reflex and its embarrassing when it happens infront of others. How do I stop this? Please Help!

[Purple_daisy]

First of all, you should not be embarrassed or ashamed of your reaction towards your mother, you've done nothing wrong; she is the one in the wrong 100%, no one ever deserves any kind of abuse, especially from their mother. The first step I think would be to cut her out of your life if you can (move in with a friend, family etc), she is not good for your state of mind at all; being afraid all the time is still abuse on your poor mind. I can't suggest anything like super specific that will cure you of your reactions from that trauma, everyone is different, and it takes time to heal. If you leave, don't do it to run away from your problems, but to face and overcome them so eventually you can say they didn't get in the way of living your life to the fullest. If you have any other family or friends that you're close to, then surround yourself with them, knowing you have the love and support of others may help decrease the fear of your mother. Honestly, you are not alone, not only do thousands of people go through the same thing, but they overcome it and kick it in the ass; but there are others who succumb to their abuse and give up, which is heartbreaking. A lot of this depends on you, that only you can work through with yourself and begin to heal your heart and mind. There are also so many chat sites out there with specific chat rooms dedicated to people talking about abuse. Maybe talking to someone who understands what you're going through at the deepest level will help you. My last piece of advice is therapy, time, and patience. Everybody could use a therapist, they aren't biased and have a clear view on the situation, and they're good at making it clearer for you to see and what next step is best. Also, it will take time to recover from the years of abuse that your mother subjected you to, and so that also requires patience. If you're not completely past it in a week, don't get discouraged. Just never doubt your self-worth, your importance or anything based on what thoughts your mother has drilled into your head; even if you completely screw up, you NEVER deserve to be treated with anything less than respect and love. Don't be ashamed of your reactions, you are so strong to have survived all the bullshit your mother put you through, so many would've given up and ended their suffering a long time ago. You WILL get through this, and you WILL live a long beautiful life, you just have to make it to the end of the tunnel. Good luck with everything :)

[Asker]

This almost made me cry. Thanks for your kind words and advice. I know I am strong and I am gonna keep on fighting until I win. I love my mother very much but she also scares me and I guess this is one of the reasons why my dad cheated and they fought day after day. If I ever have a child, I will do my best not to subject them to this kind of abuse.

[Purple_daisy]

No problem, I'm glad that you are determined to keep on fighting. I know that many people may not understand how you could love your mom after how she has abused you, but she's still your mother, and people put a lot of sentiment in that word. Just remember that just because someone is blood, that doesn't mean that they're family; family are people who love you unconditionally, they support and comfort you, and they don't intentionally hurt you. I'm not in your situation, so I don't know all the details, so it's for you to decide how your mother falls on that spectrum. I'm just thinking that maybe your mother doesn't deserve your love, when she doesn't give you the love and respect that you deserve from a parent. A child isn't supposed to fear their parent, so when they do, there's something very wrong with the situation. Remember that even if she apologizes or is nice after she hurts you mentally or physically, that doesn't excuse what she did, it doesn't make it ok.

[Purple_daisy]

And maybe if you have a good relationship with your dad then move in with him? You need space from your mom, the way she treats you is unhealthy and you deserve so much better. I think you will be a great mother, because you know how not to treat your children from experience; everything that you never got from your mom, like respect and affection, you can give to your kids.

[Asker]

thanks, soo much. I am definitely on it.

[Purple_daisy]

No problem sweetie :)

[Anonymous]

Talk to a psychiatrist. You also need to accept yourself so that what she says and do won't affect you. No can make you feel inferior unless you allow them, so don't let her. Get rid of toxic people in your life. Have confidence in yourself but you need to work on yourself

[Asker]

thanks, I do hope I can

[Opinion Owner]

Just believe in yourself and be the person you want to be.

[Asker]

thanks very much for your advice

[Marvin92]

You get away from her. You start your own life and enjoy it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Those people were born failures and will die failures. They get pleasure from causing pain to others. When their casket is lowered into the ground and no one is there, who is the failure then? It's a big step to go out on your own but judging from your situation you have always been on your own so it shouldn't be hard for you to do. The longer you put it off the worse it will get. You can do it.

[Asker]

you are right, i need to end this

[joeb73]

find someone who who specializes in abuse. and stay away from her by all means possible by moving out and never going back

[Asker]

I would if I could but I am unemployed

[dudeinohio]

You are an adult now... no longer legally under her control. You have the upper hand now.

You do not need her approval. You are your own person.

You could also get therapy to help.

[Asker]

I think I may need therapy :(

[dudeinohio]

Yeah.. hope all goes well :)

[Asker]

thanks, me too