Tell me what you think of these lyrics I wrote?

[DeftSeven]

It's called My Placid Nightmare. Give me any suggestions. I'm open to suggestions

Intro

You are my placid nightmare

My placid nightmare



Verse

I stare a blank sight

Can't close my eyes

I don't have the might

To rid the cement of you

Come and find me

Ill be somewhere

In your nightmare

Rid the cement of me

Chorus

You're my placid nightmare

Look for you in the light

Found you in the scare

My placid nightmare

Verse

I lack the care for a scare

The falsity is the dolor

Red and black color

I fall from the tear

Come and find me

Ill be somewhere

Carved you in me

Rid the cement of it all

Chorus

You're my placid nightmare

Look for you in the light

Found you in the scare

My placid nightmare

Bridge

Chorus and Outro:

You're my placid nightmare

Look for you in the light

Found you in the scare

My placid nightmare

How long will I

Will I picture you

In the eyes of the red

My placid nightmare

She's my placid nightmare

You're the terror of the dream

You're my demon angel

I'm magnetic to the black and red

[heavy5]

I am more of a religious poet but poetry and music run hand in hand. I used to write dark poetry before I became saved. I am going to be a critic but you asked for one so don't get mad. You see man it isn’t just about rhyming words or telling a story or even making sense. Music or poetry is using words that rhyme to make a story that makes sense. You have a decent story but your rhymes are just repeated words and your story doesn't flow smooth. When you said: You are my placid nightmare, my placid nightmare. You aren’t trying to tell anything your just saying words. You should have said: You are my placid nightmare, it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair. (I am assuming this is a scream song so "it isn’t fair" should be screamed) Then you said: I stare a blank sight, Can’t close my eyes, I don't have the might, to rid the cement of you. You should have put: I stare with blank eyes, I can’t stop my sight, and I don't have the might, to rid the memory of you. This is just one small criticism so you don't get really mad but you need to try to use words nobody will think to use or put it in a different sequence. I am soon to be having some of my poetry published and was compared to Robert Frost. I can help you if you need it but only if you can take the criticism. If you friend me we could message back and forth and I can help you make it smoother and help you find different rhyming words. I might be able to let you read one of my poems as well. (Although my poems consist of religious foundations).Good luck on your work man.

[DeftSeven]

Thanks for the suggestions. I forgot to mention that when I write lyrics, I tend to use metaphors and I try not make complete sense like Kurt Cobain and Chino Moreno.

[heavy5]

each to his own form.

[DeftSeven]

This is one of my acoustic songs I'm writing also. I wanna use a low monotone too

[Anonymous]

They feel kind of weird, but it has substance. It's good.

[valkillerbaby]

I don't see those lyrics as bad. Maybe you do need to work a bit on them but I don't agree about having repeats...What I mean is - of course is better if you don't have a lot of repeat and try to include more stuff but in the end all that matters is the music and the performance of the singer - his way of singing it, his type of voice, if it's the right pitch, if it matches the music...You get my point. In the end good lyrics could become amazing when sang properly and to the right music. It's all about calibrating all of these components. Still, I personally liked those but they weren't great to me and maybe you could try to work on them some more. Peace and good luck

[NightBlindness]

Um...hmmm.. Well they didn't make me go 'WOW' and I don't feel the need to listen to the song, they aren't very catchy and I found it hard to imagine the backing music of it.

However I can see what your trying to do, but I think you need to look over it a bit more. What was your muse?

Have a listen to some songs that can give you a bit more inspiration. I don't mean to sound harsh and I'm sorry if it comes across that way. But there is a lot of potential to turn that into something great.

[DeftSeven]

Truth be told I started to making music to this...it was a fail. lol

[DeftSeven]

also this was kind of rushed. I was listening to I Miss You by Blink-182 while writing this and try make something beautiful and dark like that.

[NightBlindness]

Thats one of my favorite songs by Blink0182 :3 I can totally see your inspiration now, I just don't think you've hit full potential yet. Keep working at it though, don't give up because you've made a base to work on now. Lyrics aren't something that you can complete in a couple of hours, you do need a few days to read over them and re-adjust to make something enthralling!

[Anonymous]

It's good but I'm not sure it's my type of song