Would you wait for the perfect person or settle?

[nelly83]

Lets say you're 30 and still single. In the past, you've had many relationships but broken up with all of them. All of your friends are either married / engaged or dating, having kids. Would you still hold the same standards and find the ultimate love of your life (which you can't seem to be finding) or would you settle because having someone is better than no one (dying alone)?

just keep in mind that just because you find the ultimate love of your life, it in no way means the relationship will result in a long term marriage.

[Chris786]

There really is no "Perfect person."
People are flawed so you just find ones that you're attracted to and basically narrow them down until you get to a couple nice, cute ones.
Then just see which one actually likes you too and try to make a connection.
You can find things to love about people even if they aren't perfect.
That's how I am anyway or maybe I just never met "The one" but if I waited around I wouldn't never fell in love or got married or had kids.
It's your choice.

[Chris786]

I never met the perfect person, but I had a whole bunch of really great ones.
I kind of think expecting to find the perfect one can actually hinder some people from making any progress.

[Chris786]

Settling is also a bad word for it.
It's more like you should CHOOSE to love someone who's more realistic for you.

[Chris786]

Actually all the women I was with were really hot so it's not like it was difficult for me.
I wouldn't date someone I'm not physically attracted to just to have kids or not be alone.

[virtue2332]

First off there is no such thing as a perfect person. It doesn't exist. You also shouldn't settle. Any relationship is going to take effort and excellent communication skills. I'd say find someone your physically attracted too that is willing to listen to your needs and capable of acknowledging when they make mistakes and are willing to put in effort to grow from them.

[potatoiswhoiam]

I know I wouldn't. It's one thing to be frustrated from time to time, over not having a person I love by my side, it's a whole different thing to be frustrated with another person and lead them on my entire life. Not ready for such a long frustrating commitment

[nelly83]

have you ever thought about the comfort of knowing that you will have someone to care for you, someone to keep you company for the rest of your life?

Because reality of single life is: you come home to a completely empty apartment every night with no one excited for you to come home. You know there will be no one to care for you when you break a leg or if you can no longer pay rent. You don't have any "Thanksgiving to come home to". If you want to take a walk in the park, its always by yourself.

Just because you found someone you're passionate about, it does not necessarily mean you both will be compatible for life. You may very well date for a few months or years then it breaks off. Now you're single and alone again.

[nelly83]

if you're want to go on vacation, you will be going by yourself. Or its an immense struggle to find someone available to go on vacation with you. Your number of friends dwindle as you get older since your friends get bfs/gfs or start marriage. If you want to have dinner at a new steakhouse, you will probably be eating by yourself. Or you would completely not go because you do not want to go alone.

Your circle of friends dwindle as you get older. Now at your age, it may be easy to have a ton of friends. but its not always gonna stay that way. You might find yourself doing more and more things alone as you enter your mid 30s

[potatoiswhoiam]

I actually really enjoy living alone. I'm not the type of person to wanna be around someone all the time.
As for the concern of how the compatibility might change, that's true, but when you love someone, which we are talking about love here, not some crush or infatuation, you find ways to like their flaws, you both work toward improving yourself and one another. It's truly amazing to have someone who is there because they LOVE you and who you are and what you have to offer and do things out of love. not because you were their last or only option. I don't care if someone waits for me if I'm not excited to see them. It's just burdensome.

[nelly83]

Do you realize that arraigned marriages have a 4% divorce rate while love marraiges have a 40% divorce rate? so according to you if peolpe marry for love, then they would have all successful long term marriages right? statistics contradicts. I think peolpe over erstimate passion. Its not passion that constitutes a survival of a marriage. It is compatibility and the willingness to stick togethor through not only the good times but also bad times. Love is not gonna be a cure all for everything, If you really like your husband but he's bad tempered, manipulative, lies, devious. I'm sorry lady but you're still gonna be miserable no matter how much you love him.

[potatoiswhoiam]

Woah woah woah, I'm not answering for the entire population. I'm answering for myself here. That's just how I'd live my life personally. How the population deals with marriages is none of my concern. I know how I deal with them, that's all that matters.

[potatoiswhoiam]

Also the answer based on reciprocated love, not on one sided love, which I'm not ready to be a part of, as it's just the same as settling.

[nelly83]

hun, just because love is reciprocated , it doesn't mean its gonna last forever. Americans all marry for love here, our divorce rate still remains super high at 40%. why do you think that is?

[potatoiswhoiam]

Well thank God I'm not in america then

[potatoiswhoiam]

Look, if you don't wanna marry out of love, don't. No need to try and change my view, or make it seem stupid just because it's different than yours. I'm not forcing you to marry out of love.

[nelly83]

There are many types of love out there. You don't have to necessarily romantically love someone to care for them. THere is also very strong platonic love too. I'm not suggesting you marry any random dude you don't care about. You can have a very special bond with someone you don't love romantically either. Just because its not romance, it doesn't mean its a complete waste.

Divorce rates in all modern western countries in the US and UK are both very high over the past few decades.

[nelly83]

but there are many people out there who find it very difficult to live a life where they have absolutely no one to care for them or have their backs. Most people are not meant to die alone.

[potatoiswhoiam]

Well I'm not among those people, rest assured. Bubye now

[nelly83]

Well its been proven arraigned marriages have a much lower divorce rate than romance marriages. why do you think that is? obviously this proves romance is not key to a successful marriage. This is a question that will really make you question what constitutes a successful marriage?

[Manduh]

I'd much rather be single than settle with someone I don't see a future with. Idc how old I am. I'd rather be on my own and having the time of my life and focused on my grind that having to settle for someone who's not on the same level I'm on.

[nelly83]

there are consequences to that. such as not having a "Thanksgiving to come home to" or no one to take care of you when you get cancer. or nobody to claim your body if you die of covid. Coming home to a completely empty silent apartment daily or feeling lonely.

[Manduh]

Just because I don't have a husband doesn't mean I don't have family and friends. I have them to take care of me too. I'm not completely alone.

[nelly83]

your brother and sisters will start familes of their own. they will have kids to care for and a household to maintain. they will not always tend to your every need. your parents will also be dead in the future so don't always think you will always have a Thanksgiving to come home to. Your brother might also not invite you to his Thanksgiving. Your sister might also have their own Thanksgiving with her own sperate family. you will end up being the third wheel and nobody's top priority.
Relatives are different from immediate family.

[Manduh]

We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in India. My brother's dead and I don't have a sister. My dad's in another country and I have only my mum with me rn. So in a way I'm already alone. Also, I can take care of myself if I have to. I know someone who had vivid and took care of themselves just fine. She's much better now too. My relatives and friends might have their own family to attend to but that doesn't mean they'll turn a blind eye to me if I'm in need. It's not like I'll be dependent on them for everything.

[nelly83]

Your relatives won't care for you like your immediate family will. Keep in mind that once your siblings get married and have family of their own, they will be "relatives". You won't have immediate family. If you broke your leg, THEIR family and children comes first. You are not top priority. If you lose your job, they will not pay your rent and feed you forever.

[Manduh]

I can still handle myself, thank you

[Manduh]

And it's not like there won't be help at all. People can be helpful too

[nelly83]

yea you can ask your neighbors to pay your rent for you for 8 months because you broke your leg. i doubt they are gonna give you the money though.

[Manduh]

I can work from home. There are a lot of options. It's not impossible to make money from home

[nelly83]

well what if you had cancer and you needed 24/7 care? who is gonna care you? your siblings are all working full time jobs, and caring for their kids. they're not gonna have the time to care for you. their kids and husbands come first.

[Manduh]

Okay what if I was married and didn't have kids because I have reproduction complications and my spouse was dead and I had cancer?

[Manduh]

There will still be people willing to care for me. I can guarantee you that.

[nelly83]

well if you didn't marry, you most likely won't have kids anyways. so there will still be nobody to care for you.

[Manduh]

I beg to differ :)

[Anonymous]

I would keep waiting for THE ONE. If I made it that long being single, I can do it forever if I don’t find Mr. Right.

[nelly83]

Sometimes waiting for the one, means single until death. For some of us, the one probably will never come.

[Opinion Owner]

True. I would be fine with that though. Hoping your special someone comes along though!

[nelly83]

I was waiting for the one too, but over the years, it just never came. Seemed impossible to come. It is my goal to have children and family so thats why i decided to settle. For me, family matters more

[Opinion Owner]

That’s understandable.

[Dave31989]

isn't that what marriage is. settling