Should I get married to avoid loneliness?

[shaysh87]

All my life I suffered from unbearable loneliness. When I was in school, i never had any friends due to being painfully shy. Then when I became an adult, i outgrew my quietness and became an extrovert. Somehow I found it extremely difficult to make friends. I did manage to find a best friend who ended up betraying and dumping me after she met her boyfriend. Nobody wants to be my friend because all the adults around me arealdy have established social circles of friends. They do not need any moer friends. I tried befriending my coworkers, we are all good acquaintances but nobody wants to grab a coffee outside of work.

I haven't had any luck in my romantic life either. I had a lot of men fall in love with me that I couldn't return feelings for. The very few men that caught my heart either didn't like me back or had character issues or were simply too old with kids. I'm turning 26 this year.

There have been so many years where I have longed just to have someone all to myself. Someone to be there for me when I feel lonely, sad, down, depressed or take care of me, to go grocery shopping with, someone that I won't have to worry about running away from me. The loneliness has become unbearable. Its so bad for my mental health. I also want a baby anyways.

[nolabels]

I've been married for quite a long time.
I thought I was mildly lonely when I was single, but it was never enough to bother me.
Marriage has been terribly lonely.
I think if I were still single, I wouldn't be lonely.
Marriage does not always mean the end to loneliness.
For me, it was the beginning.

[shaysh87]

So why you stay married if you didn’t have any connection to your wife?

[lycanthrope3]

Get a dog

[lycanthrope3]

Thanks

[Jz8edbzks]

I think so.

[Jz8edbzks]

Thank you

[Fireguy17]

you will in all likelihood not be happy with someone else until you are happy with your self first. You may need to see a professional for help with this, it probably won't fix itself.
Once you are happy with yourself then you can be happy with somebody else. Otherwise you might just find it a temporary solution to a lager issue.

[shaysh87]

How is a professional going to make me less lonely?

[shaysh87]

do you really think therapy once a week is going to help me feel less lonely?

[Fireguy17]

It couldn't hurt to try, it may take a while, and wouldn't you like to try something like that to get better?
Not that there is anything wrong with this site, but I don't think there is an easy answer to this, and we probably are not qualified to answer this.
It will have to come from with in.

[shaysh87]

developing strong relationships / friendships is the only thing that helps with isolation. Therapy talk one hour a week is not going to make someone less lonely. therapy is not the magic pill that cures everything. you tout around therapy like its fucking a wish fountain. why don't you use your brain?

[Fireguy17]

therapy can get at the root of why you feel this way, and then you can work on it.
It isn't a magic "pill" that will cure you in an instant, but with the right person it can't hurt.
Looking back at what you posted it seems like you are unable to have a strong lasting relationship, so if you are unable to do that, how are you going to develop a strong relationship that will help you with your feelings of isolation?
Just offering my thoughts on the matter, you are free to do what you wish.

[shaysh87]

because it gets harder to make friends as you get older. People already have their own set social circle of friends. They don't need more friends. If it were so easy to make friends then nobody would be lonely in this world right?

and no, therapy won't find out why its so hard to make friends. because reality is, if other people aren't interested in befriending you, you can't force them to befriend you. You also can't change your personality. You shouldn't change yourself just for other people to accept you.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Thats the main reason I want to get married (to have a best friend that sticks around).
I can't find a girl who is single and shares my interests/hobbies though :l (drawing, gaming, etc.)
Well, at least not one who's an atheist and drug/acohol free anyway.

[shaysh87]

why have you given up hope on romance?

[TheSpaceGnome]

I'm not sure what you mean by that.

[shaysh87]

you said you wanted to marry your best friend.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I don't have a female best friend yet that shares my interests/hobbies, but yeah, thats what I want.

I dont see how thats giving up on romance.

A wife to me is just a best friend that I find attractive and commit to and do everything with.

[shaysh87]

im planning on just marry some random guy that I do like but not romantically love.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Basically thats what makes me fall in love.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I couldn't marry someone if I didn't love them.

[shaysh87]

there's platonic love then there's romantic love.

[TheSpaceGnome]

A woman who I'm best friends with, who shares my hobbies, interests, views, talents, and personality, and I also found physically attractive, and she loved me, would result in me developing romantic love feelings for her.

[shaysh87]

your standards seem quite low. my standards are quite high: i need a guy who is witty, funny, spontaneous, mature, no character issues (very few guys have this).

[TheSpaceGnome]

All of those are subjective (one person's witty or funny is another's boring or dumb) and they all fall under "views" and "personality", so I actually covered all of that in what I said.

I could write out specific details, but it would be long, and that just invites being called out by random users for being picky.

So I'll just post examples of some of the qualities instead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqjXztGAnTg

[TheSpaceGnome]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj5qggy-fAU

[TheSpaceGnome]

www.youtube.com/channel/UCggHsHce2n3vvbJf_8YKrMA

[TheSpaceGnome]

I want someone smart and multitalented.
A gamer, artist, and musical composer, one who likes anime, and astronomy, and paleontology, and sci-fi and fantasy. And doesn't want any kids

[shaysh87]

its easier to find someone with those qualities that you're looking for compared to me. I've never ever been able to find someone with what i am looking for. I might've only encountered it twice in my life but he had character issues.

Some people do not need funny partners. Some people just want someone they can connect with. It doesn't sound like humor is a necessity to you. Because reality is, very few people are genuinely funny.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Easy? where are you or what sites do you visit where thats easy to find?

Also humor is important, but typically if she met all that other stuff, she is going to share my sense of humor, since what a person funds funny or unfunny stems from their intelliect, interests, views, etc.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Humor is one if the most subjective traits a person can have, most people are funny, but only to people like them.

[shaysh87]

Humor is largely not subjective. Sure, some humor is subjective but most of it really isn't. If a guy is funny, trust me, he's not gonna have any shortage of women coming after him.

And quite honestly, most people are not humorous. Humor is a very rare trait.

[shaysh87]

Humor is subjective but only to a minor extent. From my experience, a funny guy , can very easily get a woman to fall for him.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I would say it's to a large extent.

But that aside, I've made women laugh hysterically before.

It got me nowhere though. Same for most of my funny guy friends, they are still single as well.

I'm honestly more interested in how you easily find those other traits in women though.

[shaysh87]

humor is only subjective to a minor extent. Its is from my experience that whenever I meet a guy who is funny that I can really fall for. He ends up always tells me that he has never had a problem getting girls. There are guys who can make crowds of women roar in laughter. While there are guys who can make 1-2 women laugh. Its the guys who can make crowds of women laugh that wins all the ladies, not the guys who can make 1-2 women laugh.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Only difference between the 2 are money and advertizing, plenty of professional comedians are not funny to a lot of people, and the crowds are typically made up of 99% fans.

[shaysh87]

@thespacegnome

hun, there a lot of genuinely funny guys who aren't comedians at all and never strived to be comedians. Its the guys who can light up a room full of women to laugh that are the genuinely funny guys. The guys who can only make 1-2 women laugh are not seen as "funny guys" by society's standards.

I have seen guys who have absolutely no humor who are married. There are a lot of people who do not look for humor.

[shaysh87]

[Only difference between the 2 are money and advertizing, plenty of professional comedians are not funny to a lot of people, and the crowds are typically made up of 99% fans.]

plenty of comedians aren't truly funny. but there are also plenty of funny guys that are not comedians.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Thats also true, but it doesn't negate my point.

Either way, This conversation really isn't going anywhere.

[shaysh87]

most guys really don't have humor. it doesn't negate my perspective either.

[shaysh87]

its not only about having subjective humor where you can only make 1-2 girls laugh maybe every 3 years. its the fact that most guys cannot make ANY girl laugh AT ALL

[TheSpaceGnome]

You're projecting.

In my experience that has not been the case.

[shaysh87]

I don't think humor is that subjective. Humor is largely universal

[TheSpaceGnome]

I don't agree.

[shaysh87]

a lot of people don't look for humor when they are looking for love. i hope you realize that too

[TheSpaceGnome]

I'm sure people have their own preferences, I'm not going to count the number of people who have each one.

[shaysh87]

most people do not have humor. and most people aren't necessarily looking for humor as a requirement when looking for love.

[TheSpaceGnome]

You haven't seen nor met most people. How would you know what they are looking for?

[shaysh87]

I have seen a lot of people over many many years of dating both from online apps and in real life. Trust me, every "funny" guy that i fell for, always had another woman chasing him.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Thats still an extremely tiny fraction of the population, and they all are the result of one person's dating bias and sense or humor.

[shaysh87]

i've been on over 45 dates with 30+ guys over a span of 5 years. My experience is way more extensive than yours

[shaysh87]

I might not be able to count for every guy on earth. but i have a pretty good idea of how things / attraction works

[TheSpaceGnome]

You don't need to date someone to know what makes them laugh.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Also in a 5 year span I've talked to waaaay more than 40 women.

[TheSpaceGnome]

And even then it's too small a sample size.

[shaysh87]

@thespacegnome

I didn’t say “talk” to 40 women. I went out on 45+ dates.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I saw, and? You think that years of knowing people is somehow less informative than going on a date with them? Are you not an open book with your friends?

[shaysh87]

I’m a very experienced dater. I can tell right off the bat there is potential between us within less than 10 minutes.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Takes 3 years to actually get to know a person.

[shaysh87]

Nobody is gonna date you for 3 years to find out there’s no potential.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Not date for 3 years, be friends with for 3 years, then I'd know if I even wanted to start dating them, because I'd know them as a person.

[TheSpaceGnome]

dating a stranger is just stupid.

[shaysh87]

it takes wayy longer than just 3 years to get to know someone. you won't truly know someone until years after the wedding. when you're dating, you're putting your best foot forward. Best way to get to know someone is to ask their siblings of what your significant other was like as a child / teenager. Not hobbies , interests but rather temperament, ask them what ticks him off, what his flaws were.

Dont date them for 3 years, ask the people he's lived intimately with for 30 years.

[shaysh87]

but chances are, if you still don't know if you like someone by the 3rd year, you probably will never like them. Either the chemistry is there or its not. You don't wait until the 3rd year to find out that there is chemistry.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Again, I said be friends with, not date.

And being someone's friend for 3 years is definitely long enough for me to tell what kind of person they are.

[shaysh87]

For me, I can sense incompatibility since I have developed such a good intuition / gut feeling after going on so many dates. If that's the case, I don't bother pursuing him because it'll just be nothing but a waste of time. I also have a pretty good gut feeling if I know that there won't be chemistry between me and a guy (even if I had never spoken to him).

[shaysh87]

what my point was, you really don't need to be friends with someone for 3 years to finally realize there is chemistry. If there is chemistry, it is usually apparent in the first date. Or if your date was super nervous, it'll probably be the second or third date.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Chemistry for me = intellect/hobbies/interests/views/personality/habits/looks

I can get all that info in minutes, but it takes 3 years of hanging out with a person daily to see if those are lies.

[shaysh87]

Chemistry is all about personality, not hobbies or interests. Chemistry is when you really enjoy talking to someone, there is a place of excitement, passion and "high" that they take you.

and no, it takes wayy longer than 3 years to get to know someone. To the inexperienced eye, 3 years might seem enough. But trust me, it takes wayy longer.

[TheSpaceGnome]

You contradicted yourself.

You said I don't need to be friends for 3 years, but then also said a first date would be a thing.

Sorry but no.

No solid longterm friendship = no first date.

I won't even say I'm interested until I've known her 3 years. Even If I think she is drop dead gorgeous, I won't let her know i think that until I have her completely figured out.

[shaysh87]

and the top reasons for breakups, is not about the lack of chemistry. Its the lack of compatibility. Breakups are usually the result of flaws that were overlooked on day 1.

[shaysh87]

[No solid longterm friendship = no first date.]

hun, no woman would be interested in being friends with you for 3 years so that she can eventually go on a date with you. People start dating when there is chemistry after the first 2-3 dates. And within those 3 years, she can easily start talking to other guys and start dating them

[TheSpaceGnome]

"Chemistry is all about personality, not hobbies or interests."

Hobbies and interests are a person's personality, so I disagree completely.

"Chemistry is when you really enjoy talking to someone, there is a place of excitement, passion and "high" that they take you."

Yes, and that stems entirely from shared hobbies/interests/views/sense of humor and nothing else.

You seem to be under the impression that it's possible for me to have chemistry with someone outside of that, it's not, If they don't share my hobbies and interests, they are too boring to talk to and chemistry becomes impossible.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Any woman who agrees with you isn't worth my time.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Also I've had female friends hit on me after 5 years before.

[shaysh87]

Chemistry is not the same as hobbies and interests. Two people can have chemistry even if they don't have too many similar interests.

It does not take 3 years to ask someone out on a date.

Seeing all of this non sense, I'm not surprised to see you single at your age. Its the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard.

[shaysh87]

I have dated people in the past where we didn't have too many simliar interests. I dated one guy for 3 years, where we had some but not a lot of common interests.

[shaysh87]

You can have all the same hobbies in the world, but it doesn't necessarily mean you with have chemistry.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Having the same hobbies and interests allows for the possibility of chemistry if sexual attraction and other compatibilities are met.

No shared hobbies/interests means 100% chance I won't feel any chemistry.

[TheSpaceGnome]

If she doesn't share my hobbies and interests I'm not going to stick around long enough to stay friends with her, let alone date her.

[shaysh87]

[Having the same hobbies and interests allows for the possibility of chemistry if sexual attraction and other compatibilities are met.]

chemistry is not about sexual attraction or hobbies. Its about both personalities at play, enlightening each other. You can have all the sexual chemistry in the world, but if there is no personality chemistry, then there won't be romance. You can share all the common hobbies and sexual chemistry in the world, but if there is no chemistry of personality, there will still be no romance.

Friends share common hobbies. Hookups / friends with benefits share a lot of sexual chemistry. But for romance, it takes chemistry of personality.

[TheSpaceGnome]

personality = hobbies/interests

[TheSpaceGnome]

If you have no hobbies or interests, then have no views, and as a result of that, you have no personality.

They are the SAME THING. I'm not dating some basic boring person.

[shaysh87]

[personality = hobbies/interests]

friends have same hobbies and interests. does that mean you will fall in love with all your friends?

[shaysh87]

you don't seem to understand the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I think you are missing the point (though I'm not sure how).

1. No, I'm monogomous and super straight, once I have a girlfriend, I can't fall for a second woman unless the first dumps me, and more than half my friends are guys, so "all" is a nope.

2. A woman has to be my friend, and be physically attractive to me for me to even get romantic feelings.

3. In order to be my friend long term, shared interests/hobbies are required.

I'm not confusing the 2, but I'm not going to have romantic feelings just because the person is a close friend or is sexually attractive to me, they have to be both, or chemistry won't happen.

Thats extremely rare, I'd be lucky to find one.

[shaysh87]

you said, that having similar interests was the key part to falling in love. So would that mean that you would fall in love with all your female friends? because the reality is, friends all have similar hobbies. You can't be friends with someone where you can't do anything together with them. Hobbies are what bonds friends. Hobbies are not what bonds romantic love. There is a huge difference between friends and romantic lovers. And obviously similar hobbies are not what leads to romantic love. Similar hobbies leads to friendships. Friendship is not romantic love.

[TheSpaceGnome]

"you said, that having similar interests was the key part to falling in love."
it's part of it, a requirement, but not the entire thing.

" So would that mean that you would fall in love with all your female friends?"
No, and tbh I think you aren't actually reading what I'm typing.

I already answered, my answer has not changed.

[slatyb]

Can you get counseling? That could help. Marriage won’t magically make you happier. A bad marriage will make your life infinitely worse.

[shaysh87]

counseling is not the answer to loneliness hun. if one cannot make any friends, one will be lonely regardless of how much therapy and counseling you seek.

[shaysh87]

im not planning on having a bad marriage. i would be grateful enough to have someone that is willing to be there to support and care for me.

[TheSpaceGnome]

A good marriage would make me a lot happier, counseling would just be annoying.

Never understood why anyone would wanna sit their venting about how horrible their life is going to some therapist who isn't going to help fix any of it.

[shaysh87]

@TheSpaceGnome

i expected someone to say therapy or counseling as a solution to everything. Therapy does not help at all. It just band aids the problem but its really not a cure

[TheSpaceGnome]

Yup, therapy is the answer people give when they are offended by someone else's preferences, or they want to seem helpful when they can't help, cuz ego.

[slatyb]

No one plans on having a bad marriage. I didn't, but I had one. At the end of it a therapist helped me quite a lot.

[Relux47]

Well I must say that I can relate to you but I don’t think you should get married to avoid loneliness

[shaysh87]

what else am i gonna do? i can't make friends.

[Relux47]

If you decide to get married to avoid loneliness then it might not feel right cause it’s not really genuine or maybe it will. Do things that you love and try to find people who do those things as well. Try something new that would get you out of your comfort zone.

[shaysh87]

What makes you think marriage must include romance? As long as we get along , enjoy each other’s company, care for each other , want to have kids then everything will be ok

You keep idealizing romance marriages. Do you realize almost half of all romance marriages end up in divorce?

[Relux47]

Don’t put words into my mouth 😐 I’m trying to help you out since you’re so damn lonely by telling you things TO DO SO YOU WON’T FEEL LONELY

[shaysh87]

You don’t know how hard it is to make friends once you are an adult.

[shaysh87]

Especially once you’re out of college

[Relux47]

Trust me I do know 🙂. I don’t have any friends and since I don’t really talk a lot it’s difficult for me to make any, I hung out with my coworkers during the summer mainly because that’s something that they do every summer during summer camp after work. I’ve mentioned hanging out with a guy that I work with and a girl coworker. He says he’s cool with but then it never happens. I know he’s in school and has a girlfriend so he’s doing his own thing. He’d mentioned that he went to this girl’s house (the one that I also wanted to hangout with)… that really bothered me

[uncutfun]

No, get married for love.. I know it hard , u just have to have Faith

[Anonymous]

you can also be lonely in a marriage...

[shaysh87]

You’re only lonely in a marriage if you don’t want to be married to them

[Opinion Owner]

boy do you have a lot to learn...

[shaysh87]

no i don't. im not extremely young and naive. Marriage takes two people that are vulnerable and open to connecting with each other. You're only lonely in a marriage where you both never communicate, are not vulnerable, are only staying married to go through the motions, don't tell each other anything anymore, never do anything fun together.

[In_Trance]

Absolutely not

[shaysh87]

i have no faith that i will find the love of my life any time soon