"in the years after marriage, love ends and only respect remains?"
Since when does love end, just because you say, "I do"? Where did you hear, or read, that?
The longer I'm with my wife, the stronger our love is! We may not be in the honeymoon stage any more (after 23yrs), but that doesn't mean she and I just "respect" each other. You take that whole idea that love ends and only respect remains and toss that as far away as possible and never take it up again! EVER!
I work as a counselor and you have no idea at how many people are lonely in their marriage, no sex at all, nothing much to talk about over the dinner table and yet they don't want to divorce because they still love each other.
Many people actually end up settling in life. I know society idealizes marriage as something that is supposed to make them feel wonderful and happy. But you need to realize that marriage is not always happy. You can still get lonely. You can end up being married to someone you're physically not attracted to at all. Someone that you haven't had sex with in 20 years.
They still want to stay in their marriages and refuse to cheat. Trust me, if your spouse is unhappy with you they will either divorce you or cheat on you
Some of these husbands love their wives but stay in abusive marriages. When they get miserable , they turn to cheat in order to get the attention and appreciation that they aren’t getting from their wives. But if you suggest divorce , they will never ever divorce
I have seen wives that are 40 years old being married to 60 yr old senior citizen men. She’s no longer physically attracted to him , he can’t keep up with her physically or sexually. Then she regrets her decision of marrying him. She knows it’s in her best interest to find a younger man who can keep up with her and grow old with her.
But she still stays in the marriage because she loves him. She wants to care for him.
Often times , marriage is not always pleasant and people tend to not realize that until late in life.
Actually no, of course depends on your definition of unhappiness. But a lot of people feel too morally obligated to ever cheat, and they perhaps hope things would work themselves out. You possibly suffer from selection and survivor bias, the only people or a huge percentage coming to you have had something in common,
From my experience, many people eventually end up settling. Expectations of a wonderful happily ever after do exist but it’s also quite common for this to not happen.
Just because a couple isn’t divorced , it doesn’t mean they are happy. Many people settle for subpar marriages mid life. Of course things are always rosy and bright when they first get married but quite often things change.
I know the divorce statistics but my argument was never that divorces never happen. More that they don't really "love each other" and that people don't cheat just because they're unhappy.
Usually if man truly didn’t love his wife and couldn’t get along with her , he would divorce her. Often men who settle for subpar marriages tend to still love their wives.
My point is, staying married to someone you “love” won’t always necessarily make you happy. And it’s not necessarily a temporary dip in happiness.
I’ve seen people want to stay married to spouses who they’re no longer physically or sexually attracted to. Spouses who cannot keep up with them in a walk in the park or Hobby wise, completely different energy levels. It’s called settling.
Usually after these couples have survived so many years with each other, their definition of love becomes "caring for each other's well being" instead of excitement/ fun. There are literally 53 yr old women who haven't had sex in 15-20 years because their husbands are too old to fuck. Even though many of them regret marrying such an older spouse, they still really care about them.
Or they might stay because they think back at how much their husbands have sacrificed for them over the term of their marriage. Things such as : my husband worked 2 jobs to send me to medical / law school or he contributed a lot of his hard earned money to help me start up my business. As long as they can get along with each other at the most basic level, then they would stay with them.
Or the chemistry still may be there , but one of the spouses is just not putting enough effort into the marriage or is inattentive to each other's feelings.
Or they might already have kids that they need to raise together. why tear apart a family just to lead the difficult life of a single parent? things might not be as enjoyable as it once were, but its better than being a single parent.
Its also pretty hard to get remarried by the time you hit your mid 40s-50s.
Well, the excitement and fun part depends on the perspective. If you need your partner to make you happy and they do the same with you, and you are codependent on happiness it might not be the right approach. You find the things you like and enjoy, sometimes share them with your loved ones. If you care it'll show, if you don't I guess it won't. What do you suggest they do?
there are some women who stay married to their senior citizen husbands , who can't keep up with them in any way shape or form, simply because they don't think that aging is a legitimate reason for divorce. Despite their lack of satisfaction, growing old is natural and should be expected. Its not the fault of their spouses to be suffering from the effects of aging.
If people were happy in their marriages, they wouldn't be seeking counseling or therapy and confiding in other people about their marital problems. The reality is, its quite common for people to stay in unsatisfactory marriages. Just because a couple won't divorce, it doesn't necessarily mean they are happy.
I didn't say they were happy. I said, they might have to find their happiness for themselves. If they seek their happiness in their partner it might not be as rational. And if they are happy themselves they can then decide how to help their partner or if they can or if they want to leave them
There are many reasons why people do not divorce, like I’ve listed above. There comes a certain point in the marriage where it’s not just the “fun or enjoyment” that matters but caring / supporting each other
It’s hilarious because many young people refuse to stay married to someone who can’t make them happy. Eventually many people realize the harsh realities of marriage life as they get older
Its actually much more difficult to get married at 45-50s than your 20s-30s. Many people find it easier to stay in stale marriages than to go through an expensive divorce, especially if the kids are involved.
I don't think you understand the definition of love. Love is when their well being and happiness matters more than yours. And this type of thing does not fade as couples get older. It might not be as fun or exciting as it once was , but it doesn't mean they no longer love each other.
Sounds more like your personal definition of love. Love is defined as an feeling of affection, affection is defined fondness or liking. My point is if they actually cared for each other, it would show. And if they didn't they would somehow want a divorce, but since they don't want to be alone and have "no options" apparently they'd rather be comfortable with someone they're okay with than find someone else or more accurately spend time looking for someone else when they might not get the chance to come back. That's not caring or love, that's just acceptance. You might not have loved being a slave but you might have preferred not to die, a similar example
if you don't have intense affection for someone, you likely won't care about their well being. I have intense affection for my own children and also my parents. It doesn't necessarily have to be in romance.
Well, the same point comes up.. humans are not that different and I believe that somehow if you really like something you can get others interested in it. I might be wrong, but you can be romantic and often, this all seems on the premise that you can't actually control your feelings you tried.
Lastly, there's a difference between actually caring and "pretend caring" if the only thing that's stopping them from a divorce is they won't be able to remarry easily they don't care, they just are in it because it's convenient possibly.
what makes you think that aging is going to make someone care less about you? if you love someone at 30, you're gonna love them at 50 or 60 or 70. Aging will make things less fun / enjoyable. But it really won't mean that you no longer care about them.
Selfishness is the opposite of love. Love is when your spouse's well being matters more than yours. When you're selfish, you only care about yourself. You ultimately only care about yourself and what you can get out of the marriage rather than to take any look at your spouse's needs.
Oh, aging doesn't make someone care less or more necessarily. It just makes things more apparent, it you really like someone and really like them as a person you would like them more and understand them more as time goes on maybe, if you don't and just like them for certain things it'll become more and more clear as time goes on, you might adapt but you might also feel distant. Your decision just become more apparent as time goes on
Well, yes aging might restrict you into doing less things but you'll also be wiser and smarter possibly
I don’t think true love for someone fades as they age. Unless they have uncovered a terrible character flaw that you didn’t know about early on or if both partners are just incompatible.
Many people eventually settle in life. If you want a happy marriage , go for someone who is compatible with you temperamentally , emotionally, sexually, similar age. Most of these people whining about their spouses tend to have married incompatible partners or partners that are too much older
Depends on the couple. I think many couples get married with the excitement of wanting to get married, but not really actually caring if their partner and them have a great, interesting, and long lasting relationship.
My grandparents were married for 60 years. They loved each other deeply and did everything together. When my grandfather passed away my grandmother was never truly the same after. They were each other's first and only loves, married young. Something to be said for pair bonding and witnessing it first hand. The old timers did it better and we are trying to bring in all these new ideas into relationships that aren't working. If you allow for a natural flow to occur and keep your head and priorities straight the love only grows.
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Who in the hell suggested that possibility? Love changes with time, and it is not the youthful, ardent, passionate, lustful, I-wanna-rip-your-clothes-off-and-do wicked-things-to-your-body kind of love and, yes, it is a more respectful love. . . but it is stil love.
It depends on the lvl of maturity of the parties involved and the foundation of the relationship. Plus it's highly influenced by someone's ability to manage stressful situations and jot sacrifice one's own personal life as this is by far the most influential part that's usually overlooked.
They often seem to have no connection. If you like someone you like them, if you didn't like someone maybe marriage makes you feel restricted. Or maybe you didn't really like a person and grew to really like them.
No, choices to stop putting in effort, choosing to not respect your partner and not communicating ends love. Infatuation is a feeling, love is a choice.
I think of the person I married as a lot of things I think she is my best friend, my wife, my advisor, my lover, my baby sitter lol, my motivation, my chef, mother of my children,
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it's a very masculine language. you talk about your wife like she's your maid
To me, ''love'' is not the silly picture of poetry or soapy movies. Passion and excitement may evolve into something less 'spectacular' - but it's love nonetheless.
@MysteriousDarkness Sorry about that. That's not really what I meant. ... However, there is a little bit of truth to that, tbh; because your wedding is the beginning of the Permanent part of your relationship. Before you get married, it's still uncertain what direction your relationship will take. But now it's set in stone. There's a lot of comfort and security in that, and I feel like it's a solid foundation to build on.
