Do I have a right to be worried?

[Anonymous]

My husband of 6 years has been texting a female friend (she has a boyfriend) our children are friends that's how we all know eachother. He has been very secretive with he's phone lately so I decided to have a peak when he was sleeping to which I found quite a few exchanges of messages on whatsapp, they are casual messages asking how eachother are and what they have been up to etc. There was one message that did concern me and that was him telling her that he is always in my bad books and that I have lots of washing and chores for him to do. I don't know why he would talk to her about that kind of stuff as they aren't that close of friends. She has seemed to be initiating the messages but he always replys and sometimes there has been lots of messages. It's not every day but I still feel quite weary of this she is younger and attractive too. Any advice will be appreciated ty

[SteveSmith1985]

I am not married myself (full disclosure).

I would say, yes. You have a reason to be worried. (or at least I would be worried if I were in your shoes).

I don't mean to say that I think your husband is having an affair.

What I mean is... this seems to be a budding 'inapropriate' relationship with another woman. He may not have done or said anything at all that 'crosses that line'. But... I think your instincts here aren't sending you 'alarm' signals for no reason.

First, if you've been married for 6 years, and no other friendship with any other woman has made you feel uneasy like this... that's not something to ignore.

Second, "very secretive with his phone lately" is... clearly not a good sign. Particularily the "lately" part. If he had always been secretive with his phone... then ok. But "lately"? Why? What's changed?

I think it's weird that the TWO of them are friends... when your link to them is through your kids. This is a "couple's friend". This is a friendship you and your husband...(I donno) "share"... you're "couple friends". So him secretly becoming better friends with her... by himself is suspicious as hell. Also, does he mention that he's been talking to her? Like casually and off-hand? Because if he isn't, then that suggests he knows it's wrong.

Now, the CONTENT of his message about being in your bad-books is not itself worrying. That's super-normal marriage bitching. But (and I think this is what you meant) it's a BIG problem if he is confiding in another woman about the difficulties in his relationship with you. THAT is always a bad thing that leads nowhere good.

ALTHOUGH to be fair, I don't know if that one single instance of him bitching counts. It's on the border-line for sure... but it's if he starts TALKING to another woman about your marriage (and the things about it he's not-as-happy about) that's when you're getting into a bad situation.

I... don't want to make you worry if you shouldn't. Keep in mind I only have this tiny snapshot of you, your marriage, and your situation.

I do, however think you have good reason to be worried. Not that something IS happening. There are signs of a budding major problem... about to bloom. Somehow, you need to nip-this-in-the-bud.

[Asker]

Thank you very much for your advice, I have always been very trusting in he's privacy with he's phone and other social platforms. He does see her and her partner every week when our children attend the same club. I did think maybe I was being slightly insecure as she is younger and attractive, my husband does the club situation as I am at home weekends sorting other things out around the home. He hasn't told me he has been messaging her. The last messages were a while ago but them interacting every weekend does make me slightly worried. I will have to talk to him about my feelings but thank you so much again

[Gent207]

I've seen this pattern before as a married man myself it never leads to anything good.
Yes at the moment he's walking the line between "venting" and "emotional adultery" (which is adultery in my opinion regardless of whether you meet in person or not).
The fact is as a married man he should not be chatting and venting to this woman behind your back and purposefully trying to hide it from you. Which demonstrates both his guilt and his intentions.
I would confront him about it and let him know that if he loves you he would not hide things from you.
Oh and one last thing - what husband vents about doing basic chores? Yes annoying especially when one is nagged about it (not that I presumebyou treat him poorly). But it frustrates me to no end such complaining about one's fundamental duties as a husband.
P. S Yes I do see my hypocrisy

[Alwayreckles93]

I would be concerned if I was in your place. I mean your husband he is a married men he has no business message this married woman. That's how all infidelity starts with just a message. What I find interesting why isn't your husband message this ladies husband or try to be friends with her husband invite him to watch a game or go out to play basketball? Your husband shouldn't be giving out details about chores and things like that.

[Anonymous]

sounds like an affair waiting to happen. i suggest you talk to him about why he's being secretive lately.

[Guy13]

From what you said, there seems to be something to worry about. I’m not shy so I would say, let me see your phone…here are my concerns.
I would gladly give it up BECAUSE I would rather have a happy partner than a distrusting one.. with doubting eyes 👀.
-One will learn much about the other. See his maturity level…🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

[Asker]

Thank you so much do you think this indicates he is looking somewhere else?

[RuthlessAggression]

Why girls let their boyfriends have girl "friends", I do not know. I'll never understand why girls LET THEIR BOYFRIENDS HAVE FRIENDS

[qusai_jo]

who start sending him or her?

[Asker]

She seems to be the one initiating most of the conversations but he will carry the conversations on most of the times. He also had been replying very quickly. From what I quickly see he had initiated conversations twice she had wished him a happy new year the date was new years and he had replied a week later saying sorry he was at he's brothers for new years (we were) and then he messaged her to thank her for our sons present for he's birthday but I did see he had messaged her partner to tell him thanks so I don't see why he would have had to message her too 🤷🏻‍♀️ he also attached a picture of our son wearing the blanket she had brought him saying he is snuggled up in it already. But no picture to her boyfriend just a thank you. I don't know weather I'm reading too much in to this as her profile pictures always look so sexy and hot it makes me feel awful.

[qusai_jo]

loool i feel a Jealous lady here if you dm me if you wanna talking more

[Asker]

Maybe your right but I can admit I'm jealous the young lady is young and very beautiful. She is thin with a amazing body and my husband is messaging her back and forth, the messages don't involve anything sexual or any kisses but I'm still quite weary

[qusai_jo]

i under stand about your feeling